October 2011: Gaining teeth but still losing sleep.

[sassy34264]

hope this works! the pressure is on at 3.30am!!!!

Thinking of you ed

Forgot to say el - glad you managed to find out for definite about the allergy and have other options now x

Ed- thinking of you. I hope everything goes smoothly. Your DH sounds more reasonable today but I agree that he probably thinks disappearing for a few days will be enough. I hope he takes this seriously and can quit the heavy drinking and smoking. xxx

i agree with bb3 that c may regress etc,. but i think you should be a bit prepared for dh to do the same.
he might surprise us by kicking his ass into shape,. but he is just as likely to go the other way and drink, smoke more. i think he suffers from depression (i cant always recall as i think there are about 3/4 dh's with it) but if he does he may sink further.

what i would remember ed is - you cant fix this. you tried and he didnt listen, so it will not be anything to do with you if he does get worse. these are his problems that he needs to fix himself.

dont let ANYONE put the blame at your door, if,. he does get worse.

bb3 how you feeling?

Yeah better, still feel rough but functioning again today in the sense that I can play, feed and function with the kids without wanting to curl up in a corner and sleep. Just cold and headachy now so big big improvements. How was dh's appointment today?

BB glad you are on the mend

Sassy also wondering how your dh's ear is now. Sounded pretty sore.

Gosh Ed, am thinking of you this evening and hoping everything is as okay (as it can be anyway). Hope you have suitably shocked him and he starts to sort himself out, it's an awful lot of alcohol since Friday! I would (for me personally) find the joints particularly hard to tolerate, I hate anything like that. It sounds like he has been given so many opportunities in the past. What would the priest do/tell him though? Would he actually tell him he drinks and smokes?

Fuzzzy P's daytime naps and very "organic" she just has them when she wants and I work around that. Once I figure out what time they are I arrange my day accordingly. I know some people put them in their cot and leave them to it but they never really happened for me! Her current nap times are around 12.30pm and 4.30pm I wanted to try and do a later bedtime tonight because of her late nap but DH thinks that will put us back a step. HOWEVER she is now wide awake in her cot but rubbing her eyes and farting so not sure of the way forward at the moment. By the time I have figured it out we will probably be on a different phase

Thinking about you, C and M this evening Ed. Hope everything is ok.

Thanks for all the support everyone it means a lot, sorry I don't remember who said/asked what
Re: dh regression I am aware that this could happen ad it's just a risk I'll have to take I would shoulder some of the blame inwardly. I have already explained to him that I'd love for him to turn his life around possibly with a view to starting again if that's the right thing to do, I just hope it's motivation enough.

Re: the priest we used to support this priest with the mass at local hospital helping sick patients attend etc we stopped this when the priest moved to a parish, it was around then that dh's depression really escalated so he wants to speak to the priest to see if he can devote some of his time to something similar to feel helpful and positive. This particular priest is very good at helping you understand your emotions also so could help him with this too.
My biggest fear is the effect this will have on C, I am expecting tantrums bad behaviour and potty training regression.

I did get the suitcase down, and I'm going to talk to him and say that we should split for a month then re evaluate, but what do I do in the meantime re access to the kids?

Good for you Ed, sounds like you are being sensible - hope you are able to feel as calm as you sound. You need to do this for DH's sake as much as anyone else.

I've no idea where you stand legally with regards to access to the children, what would you be comfortable with?

sassy you were right he's refusing to move out despite being handed the suitcase!
He has now said that teetotal is the way to go, and e wants to spend time talking to each other every night and if I still want him to he'll move out on Sunday.
I feel totally shitty and need my own peace and space, but I won't leave the kids and there's nowhere for me to go with them.
I said about just splitting on a temp basis for a month or even a week he said if he leaves he can't see getting back in so he's not leaving.

Can you tell him you can talk on the phone? That you need your space? He needs to be teetotal and then come back, not work through his alcohol issues in the family home?

Sorry you're going through this Ed

oh ed. so sorry that my voice of doom/cynicism/jaded keeps being right.

unfortunately ive lived a little and read a lot, and although they can surprise you, a lot of people dont.

changing the locks is the way some people go, but unless he's violent, which i know he's not, he could take you to court and you could get in trouble.

you have to decide what you want. and TAKE CONTROL of the situation. the worse thing you can do is have him calling all the shots- which he is doing. he's also once again makinh promises that he cant keep.

once you have decided what it is you want- for him to definately go. or to make him get counselling while he is going teetotal etc then you need to put some wheels in motion. go to the cab or better still ring a solicitor and get their free 30 mins consultation about where you stand on getting him out and financially if you do split up. give him deadlines and see how serious he is about it. ignore what he wants and start sating I WANT.

really think about posting in relationship thread. they've heard this time and time again and probably have some solution to getting him out.

if id asked my dp to leave and he was refusing, id lose a lot of respect for him. and i wouldnt be above a little emotional blackmail either. like, how am i supposed to respect you, when ive asked you to leave and you wont. where's your pride/dignity. or, it's going to be very hard to repair this marriage if you keep showing me how selfish you are- cos its all about him.

he wants to drink/smoke, he wants to stay. he's even telling you when HE'LL go- sunday. he should be bending over backwards trying to keep you happy- but he isnt is he? why?

bb3 &jnice

the 1st draining of dp's ear hadnt worked, it had just filled up with blood again. so they have done it again and stitched a padding either side of his ear to apply pressure and he has to go back fri! he's staying in an hotel till then, as the comute to telford is too long- 13 hour days.

thanks for asking. x

ed you are being incredibly strong and sassy is right, things need to be on your terms, not his. Trial separation is a great idea, will give him time to sort himself out. He needs to put you and his family first. Does he admit that he has a drink problem or does he just see it as a normal thing/way to unwind?

I'm just out the gym. Face currently this colour haha! I am so unfit it's a joke! Can anyone point my in right direction to core work? I done 30 sec plank x 4 times and some sit ups/push ups. My mum had S so she is on her way over and I'm going to take her in swimming
What's everyone else up too?

Always forget something! sassy ouch to dp ear!!! Fingers crossed this time is more successful!

fuzzy he won't leave at all "before Sunday" we'll see if he would even leave then he thinks we should be trying harder/again whatever, he had now admitted that he has a problem, but I'm not sure if he is just telling me what he thinks I want to hear. He got up with kids this morning and had housework all done for me getting up, so he is trying I'm just not sure it will last. He has agreed that he'll go teetotal and cut contact with toxic friends, priest has gotten back to him and he's meeting him on Saturday night, it will be interesting to see if he can stay sober on old firm day on Sunday.
Basically I'm now going with it till Sunday, then I don't know what, but I've already told his mum everything and I'm pretty sure his sister knows by now too so the next time he sees them wont be pleasant!
I told him about my EA with my ex (this happened year before last) his reply was simply that he was sorry that he wasn't there for me to talk to and he's glad I had someone.
Heads up my arse ATM and don't know if I'm coming or going on top of everything I've still not got my car back from the garage they've had it nearly 3 weeks now so I'm still struggling with both kids in a 2 door corsa, really just want to go to sleep and this to al be over when I wake!

fuzzy you shouldnt ask me gym questions! i can talk for britain anyway, but when its my favourite topic........im off on one!

you asked for it!

there are 4 muscles that you need to work to get a good core:
1, rectus abdominis
2, external and internal obliques
3, transversus abdominis
4, erector spinae

the exercises for 1 are curl movements- bringing shoulders approx 30 degrees from the floor and reverse curl movements- raising the hips and lower back from the floor, by moving bent knees towards your body.

exercises for 2, are side bends. sit on the floor with a medicine ball (pick a weight) and raise your legs up off the ground a few inches and then turn side to side and touch the floor on each side with the ball. also side planks.

exercises for 3, are planks and pulling in you stomach as far as you can and holding it.

exercises for number 4 are, back raises- lay face down on a mat, hands behind head and lift your torso and head up. superman exercises- lift opposite arm and leg up.

i would ask a gym instructor to show you correct techniques, so you dont do more harm than good. but i must warn you, that the majority of them are downright rubbish. see if you can spot a good one.

Ed is the Corsa a courtesy car or your spare car? If it's the former I presume you have kicked off at the garage for a more suitable car. Doing the housework today isn't going to help long term though and I bet he is not still doing it by Sunday either! Glad you told his Mum. Have you set a time for Sunday? If not that would be a good idea so you are not left wondering, but make sure YOU set the time.

Sassy has DP had his other interview?

BB3 hope you are feeling better now.

Mama how is blw going? P had steak last night but she just seemed frustrated by it because just sucking it didn't seem satisfactory and the same thing has just happened with her celery lunch (she had tuna and muffin too), not really sure how else she could eat steak at the moment though.

Fuzzy enjoy the swim, wish the sun would flipping shine.

x post ed

im slightly confused. are you seeing if he can be sober/pot free/helpful until sunday? or are you getting on with it till sunday and then telling him you still want him to leave?

please tell me if i over step the mark, and i completely expect you to take on board things that we are saying that you agree with and ignore those things that are too painful/hard to do. so no worries if you tell me to bog off!

its just that, from where im sitting you are sending out mixed messages (totally understsndable by the way) and he is clutching at straws, trying to please you etc. but he wont be able to keep it up. and you will be back in this situation again at some point in the future. its up to you how many times you want to go through with it. i spent 6 yrs putting up with violent abuse until i finally left- so i knew its not easy.

all i will say is, if you definately want him to leave, whether its for good or just for him to get better, i think you need him to believe that it is over. and it will only be back on, when YOU decide that he has got help and proven himself. 1 month will not be sufficient time for this. i wouldnt give him a time limit to review the relationship. it would be open ended until he could prove himself.

you are on the addiction ride with him, going round and round in circles.

cheshire yes he had it friday. they told him they would let him know by mon, tues, but he's still not heard. it took them 2 weeks to tell him he had a 2nd interview after his first though, so they dont seem to move fast.

jacob and isobel have problems eating steak and pork now at 20 months. its quite chewy for them and takes them ages.

eva has tried so far- apple, pear, banana, mangoe, carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, parsnips, baby rice, sunny start (weetabix for babies) and yoghurts.

ive got butternut squash in, but never cooked or eaten it before. anyone got any good way to cook it tips?

Maybe I will just sod the steak then, she has tried loads of other foods and chicken, mince and fish she loves but I was just trying to give more meat varieties. I am veggie so can't remember how chewy steak is.

Why not roast the squash and have it in rissotto? That's what DH often does with it.

oh i love risotto. but i really meant for eva. just want it by itself. then i can purree it.