Feb 2011 - it's all about the shred

[reastie]

welcome everyone

Morning all, deb at your day yesterday, bless your girls being good on the trains. Agree its good you managed to have a heart to heart with dh and hope he sorts himself out. More importantly hope you are looking after yourself, you have so much on at the moment, big hugs.

wiggles at 'strip club' and good luck for your shifts next week. You wont need to shred!

suzy I would have a little kip at your mums if I were you, forget doing anything useful! Hope and ledkr had good night?

emski do you use the kindle a lot then? I thought it might be wierd reading from it, as reading from a computer screen hurts my eyes after a while.

dd is sleeping and I've been nice and let dp have a lie in. Realised we didn't get any pics of us dressed up all posh together on fri, boo. (I don't actually mind that much as i felt a bit of a fatty, yes I know, the shred starts soon...)

It was a bit of a drama, my PiLs are awful too, they came v close to ruining my wedding, took a good few months to forgive that one. SiL suggested I stayed at their (PiLs) house for the rest of the show, when she said this to MiL she went all stiff and angry looking and changed the subject! I'm just a non-person to them, the woman who looks after their grandchildren all the bloody time, they don't care about me at all. It'll be a long time before I speak to them again after this weekend. God bless my SiL she is lovely though.

Was v interesting with DH. I'd said that he didn't need us there with him at the show (it doesn't finish till monday). He said he did, he needs us and he cares about me. I said he didn't show it at all, no affection, no time spent with me etc. He said he protects me. I said it wasn't enough, I needed more than that, and if he doesn't start giving it he will lose me. (brave, eh?). Then he started talking about how he feels a failure, he isn't providing for us (was made redundant 5 years ago and has not earned properly since), can't put a roof over our heads and is basically consumed with despair. This is the first time he's ever confessed to feeling like this, I see that as a big step forward. Me taking the girls home was a really big thing as he did NOT want us to go, and normally I just go with what he wants, this time I stood up to him, and it precipitated all this.

Deb i really think you have turned a corner but i also think he is depressed-trust me im a nurse - Does he have probs sleeping or with his appetite?
I doubt he would see a Dr but he ought to. I also think that you showing some strength will change things for the better,not only will he respect you for it but in a way it will take off the pressure he feels to look after you and the girls if he sees you are ok without him. My dh has always said he never feels "safe" with me s he knows i can cope alone and would do if he took the mickey. Stay strong-ish and seize this opportunity to show him you are a strong woman. Pils sound really nasty,i can imagine mine would be the same,blood very much thicker than water,they still enjoy laughing about bils ex gf who was very upset when they spilt up,i find it very distastefull

D didnt go back off untill 8.30 so i was up by then eating croissants fruit and yogurt. She is totally self settling now,im so chuffed,she just sings and grumbles herself to sleep.

Isnt it funny how these dh's have all been so odd? I reckon when we are on mat leave you become a bit taken for granted and maybe abit boring? Dh would rather watch the tv than chat to me. at emski-ill fall inlove with someone else. As i went out last night all red lipstick and high heels i joked i was off to "attention seek" and fixed dh with a stoney glare,he was very pleased to see me back last night

Ponyo,I only started using the kindle last night and love it already! I may start neglecting children for my kindle!
Debka, i second what Ledkr said re dh. I think a few of our dh's are struggling a bit. I suppose there is pressure on the main earner whilst we are on mat leave. I know my dh just wants to look after us and provide for us and if he felt he couldn't it would really mess him up. I hope you feel youve turned a corner now.
Ledkr, i just have to find someone else to fall in love with now!

em-Justin Timberlake is rather nice,oh and the guy who was on prison break with the tats,i bet they wouldnt take us for granted

Ledkr, they would treat us right!! I'll have Justin, you have the guy from Prison Break......Just have to break the news to dh now. Do you think he would notice if I was gone???!!!

debka i agree with mama ledkr, i am sorry you have to deal with this, but i believe you have turned a corner by you being so strong. I hope you both manage to talk it through and work things out. Im at your pil's for you.

suzy and ledkr im glad you had a good night, and hope your not suffering too much today.

I haven't spoke to DF yet, he is still in bed, he didn't get home until 5 am so will no doubt spend the rest of the day in bed. He is supposed to be going out tonight with an old friend. I just feel so alone at the minute, i can't speak to my parents (long story) and all my friends are too busy with their children and babies.

you can speak to us Jane love,he is being a selfish prick,there im not being so nice now. Did he go outthis much before? Ihave only just realised its bank holiday havent you got any non baby friends to go out with?
If not i prescribe blockbusters,nice bath then sofa and chocolate (i prefer the going out option myself)

led, if you're getting the guy from Prison Break, if it doesn't owrk out with DH can I have yours please

I agree, I think he is depressed, he has no joy in life at all. Can't imagine in a million years him owning up to it and going to the dr, but hey, miracles happen.

jane i'm so sorry you feel alone, I wish you had friends and family who could rally round. Do come and talk to us if you want, we love you.

ledkr In the past i would have been out with him until 5am and taking advantage of the holiday weekend but im not in the partying mood. He doesn't normally got out this much, but he does like his saturday in the pub with the boys which i don't mind as i used to like going out with the girls or shopping. I know i have to speak to him about how im feeling but i don't want to nag him, i want him to want to spend spend time with me, not because i told him to.

He seems to have "got over" Zoe's death and is back to "normality" i feel like i am dragging him down and holding him back because of my grieving.

Men do seem at opposite ends of the scale when it comes to grief dont they? Also you have both reacted in different ways,you want to be dignified and quietly remember Zoe and deal with your grief whilst planning your future whilst he wants to party and forget,however i am sure he is as grief stricken as you are. If its any consolation yours is probably the healthier reaction.
i remember my mc (not comparing btw) everyone was nice but then after about a week they all jsut got back on with life but i still felt terrible,i couldnt tell anyone cos i felt like i was making a fuss so i can only imagine how frustrated you must feel after such amassive loss.I remember about 2 weeks later it was my birthday and people vivted with presents and i just sat on the sofa crying.
Do you think you are isolating yourself in an attempt to punish yourself or that if you smile or laugh again you are forgetting ? This would all be talked over by any decent counsellor,have you been on the bereavment boards today,i bet they had the same experiences.
Dont forget too that a lot of the dh's on here are acting like fools and thats without the awfulness you are both dealing with.

ledkr I am feeling ok today, i think it was the birthday party yesterday that set me back. I have had a talk with him, he is sorry and didn't realise how i felt, which i suppose is my fault because i didn't tell him.

He is staying in tonight and we are going to have a nice take away, and cuddle on the couch with a film. To be honest im not that keen on posting on the bereavment boards, as some of the ladies on their have it much worse than me and im embarrassed about venting on there.
I'm not isolating myself, i do make an effort to go out and see friends and family and just to have some me time, i was just having a down day.

Thank you so much ledkr you have no idea how much you have helped me today, you truely are a wonderful person.

Hi all, well I have done the shred first time today I also weighed myself on wii fit and am going to weigh myself again in a month. Shred was full on, found some bits easy (ish) and some exhausting. I didn't know who Jillian was before I did it but quite like her, she's not too annoying.

jane glad you have had support from ledkr and others today and hope you enjoy your night in on the sofa with df. Re: bereavement boards not saying you should post on there but don't think you can't because others have it 'worse', that doesn't matter at all. Not being flippant - hope that makes sense and you see what I'm trying to say. What film are you getting?

ledkr did you say you're on level 2 of shred now? Havn't even watched it yet.

dd is making a noise so better go, oh in Sainsbos earlier huggies nappies are a third off she £6.65 for 64 I think?

And PIL are visiting this fri (joy!) so will have some funny/annoying tales for you all soon...

jane hope you are OK ledkr had some sound advice. All I can add is my support really, honestly have nothing but admiration for you, what happened to you is the worst nightmare any of us can imagine so no reaction can be wrong. You manage to go on each day and still be here for us, your DF and friends, you amaze me and I'm glad you are in our gang xxxx sorry am so shit at expressing anything emotional so forgive my rubbish way of putting things.
ponyo bring on the PIL tales need a laugh.
Got to whinge I'm afraid girls. Basically my little sis (age 22) suffers from rheumatoid arthritis and has had a bad reaction to some meds. She had the same thing nearly 3 years ago but they said it was a mystery infection not the tablets so have put her back on them. Now we are in the emergency docs, she has the same symptoms which hospitalised her for over a week last time. Been waiting since 1 o clock for them to help her, she has had a shot to stop her vomiting and we are now waiting for bloods to come back (they've been sent to hospital). She's asleep and I'm just so stressed. Can't get hold of my mum, DD1 has told me that Cass is napping NOW so that's her routine fucked, DP is not bothered at all. I know this may not be the place to rant but my whole family have left me to deal with this, I'm worried about my sis, my friends keep texting me to see if I'm still going out tonight (obvs not) and basically I could just scream. Not helped by the fact I haven't eaten since 9am I guess. Please someone give me a virtual face slap as I feel a bit hysterical but have to act calm cause I need to keep my sis calm as poss. Waaaa :(

Oh no MizK that sounds horrible, your poor sis. Can you let your dp sort out C tonight, if he's buggered up her routine let him deal with it, you have enough on. And get yourself something to eat, even if its just crap from a vending machine, better than nothing. I don't know much, well actually anything, about rheu arthritis so all I can say is hope your sis is as well as she can be very soon. Look after yourself, unmumsnetty hugs xx

Gosh miz k how awfull,firstly calm down,she's in the hospital and she has you with her. As for baby,i was freaked out a few times as her routine was f'd up by dh or trip out,but i just carried on with it the next day and she was fine.
If you were meant to be out anyway then dh was on duty so let him flippin deal with it all,even if you dont go out when sis is sorted go to aquiet pub and have drink and a bite to eat and take the Sunday papers,dont go hoe until dh has put her to bed. I do hope everything is ok. Keep us posted.

jane you are most welcome,i have had so much shit in my life i kind of know what id need to hear iyswim. I completely know what you mean about the bereavement threads,i know its not as bad but i cant go on the clappa website (cleft palate) cos it makes it all too real and i cry,which is weird cos in normal life im not that concerned. I also dont like reading about the speech and hearing probs cos D is unlikely to have them an if she has ill deal with it at the time.
Have a lovely cuddly evening.

Ponyo-I didnt shred today,i feel exhausted and needed to rest abit.Will be on it like sonic tomorrow tho.Will probably do the L1 for a few more days cos im stil up and down with how i find it. I am cutting carbs tomorrow tho,ive got that bloody wedding in 4 wks and Disney in between so i need to shift a bit more,my tum is so flabby it doesnt even look like my body

Evening,

Just back from Oop North so have only read the last few posts...

Jane You are so strong, you amaze me. Enjoy your cuddly takeaway.

MizK Try not to worry about C, she'll be fine. Sometimes more important things happen and right now you need to be there with your sister. Just ask DP to give you regular updates.

ponyo Well done on shredding. I've had the weekend off but will be back at it tomorrow.

Have had a bit of a weekend of it and am tres glad that it's bank hol and DP is still around tomorrow. R has her first cold and spent most of last night cat napping on us when not throwing all her milk back up. We're back home now and have used some saline spray on her, popped a cushion under her mattress and got one of those plug in things with nice smells. She's dozing now with White noise on but if I take it away she wakes and coughs and splutters. Poor little button. Needless to say I'm also starting to feel snivelly!

so much to say

jane I agree with others re: men dealing with things differently. you carried and grew zoe all those months and then gave birth to her - your body is recovering from all that still so you are reminded of zoe all the time. i think ime men can switch off easier or distract themselves. that doesn't excuse him of course. i hope you manage to enjoy your dvd and sort things out.

miz my cousin has bad rhu arthtritis too - infact, i think she had a bad reaction to a drug she was on and they thought it was something else to what it was iykim. make sure you get something, anything to eat and don't worry about routine - in the grand scheme of hings it'll be fine for a day out of routine. of course, it's easy for me to say as i know i'd be the same as you

deb in complete at PIL - does this thred have the worst PIL? I think so . I really hope you can sort things out so things are better at home. Thank goodness for good old mum.

choc poor R :( btw i read somewhere to tilt a cot you should put books or sth under the feet of one side not bulk under the matress but forget the reason why

wiggles love the piccie of the girls on their tums

Well, alice got a live bee down her back today (as in stuck between her skin and vest) . Was with my mum and we were both screaming and trying to rip her clothes off to get it off. luckily she wasn't stung

sure there's more i missed

jane hope you have a nice evening, you deserve it. Different people have different ways of coping, but try and make him see your point of view/feelings or at least give you the support you need. I'm so glad you are able to come on here and 'blow off steam' a little - keep talking!
deb wow, sorry things were so hard for you but it sounds like you did an amazing job, and kept things together. Hope the heart to heart helped, he should realise by now that something's got to give. Good luck!
ponyo bring on the in law stories, we have some lovely ones on this thread. I have a wedding to go to in July with DP's parents and his brother - we have major history, will tell you all one day . Am dreading it, to put it lightly! Oh well, maybe i'll have some more stories to add...
I'm home alone with the baby for the first time tonight - ahhh! DP has gone to Poland for a training thing, and am praying the ash cloud doesn't get in the way of his return.
Well done to those shredding, and to those having days off one little chocolate bar won't hurt get back to it!

debka how are you doing this evening? Hopefully this will be the start of better things for the four of you, esp if you and h keep talking, I agree with ledkr (quelle surprise ) a little strength goes a long way, Mr W has confessed that he finds it slightly unnerving that I can just muster through without him, he has also never recovered from a conversation we had where I told him I had plans and what know what I would do if anything ever happened to him - it was just one of those light hearted what if conversations and I think he was quite disappointed that I didn't tell him I couldn't face the day without him and that I would hide away in black mourning clothes until I was about 80!!! Bear in mind that he can't bloody well dress the girls without me

jane hope you are having a relaxing evening and a bit of a cuddle, can only second what others have said xx

MizK hope your sister starts to get better, and hope you've managed to catch your breath and get something to eat. Chocoroo Hope you and R get some sleep. Byron you and K will be fine, my bil still isn't talking to us, we have had a refreeze after the slight thaw at the christening

Well woke up this morning feeling terrible and have a desperate cold, snuffy nose, sore throat etc, generally feeling v sorry for myself but still managed to wheeze through shredding but am really starting to find Jillian a tad annoying and if the bloody green goddess behind her is a beginner then I'm bloody Penelope Cruz

Hi everyone!

Damn, took me so long to catch up that I've forgotten what everyone has said .

Reastie, Omg I hate wasps and would have had an absolute fit if that had happened to one of my DDs. I remember being in the park one summer with dd1 in her pushchair with loads of wasps around - que loads of shrieking and running with the pushchair from me and the friends that we were with looking like this . Glad Alice didn't get stung! I have a scar on my face from when I was stung when I was about 5.

Jane I'm so sorry that you've been having to sort through Zoe's things. It's so bloody unfair. I'm sorry that your DP has been behaving how he has - do you think that it's his way of coping? I don't want to make excuses for him as obviously I don't know him.

I'm so chuffed for you that you've decided to ttc again and will be very excited!

Needto great to "see you"! Don't leave us again ok!

Well Lottie had her first night in her big girl room and... Well it didn't make much of a difference Tbh but DD1 is delighted to have her in her room . She keeps saying, "can Lottie still sleep in my room tonight?" bless her. I'm still amazed at how much she has taken to her little sister - she loves her so much. I thought it would be the other way around - such a relief!!!

I'm feeling like the worst parent in the world tonight. DH was holding L on the sofa and he slipped off and bonked his head on the coffee table. I just held him and cried then started crying again when a little lump developed. DH feels absolutely horrible. He seems to be fine but I'm keeping a close eye on him tonight. It's such a horrible feeling when something happens.

americanexpat Olivia whacked tapped Anna on the forehead today with wand, by accident (fingers crossed) and I bumped her head while putting her into the car . It's horrible - you get a real sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when they get hurt. At least they can't blame you yet, Olivia loves to use the phrase "Mummy you hurt me" this is usually when I've nearly dislocated my shoulder stopping her jumping off the sofa, bed, window sill, she's going through a superhero phase

Well think I've crossed into a flu ridden fever induced state of mind, am flicking through the music channels, and got distracted by Michael Buble and thought mmm, wouldn't say no I used to be cool, I used to go out after work at 4 on a Friday and not come back until Sat night, and now I'm oogling the same men as my mother (sobbing into my wine tea )

americanexpat Im sure L will be fine, try not to beat yourself up about it, these things happen, babies are tough little mites!

wiggles get a grip woman, Michael Buble is a twat! Hmm i might let you away with it and hope it's only because you are delusional through a fever!

Hope you feel better soon.

mizk im sorry to hear you DS is ill, i hope she is better soon. Hope you are ok too. How was C, did she sleep ok last night?

reastie Oh my god, i would have freaked! I HATE bees and wasps (I am allergic to wasp stings) I bet poor A was wondering what the hell was going on and why mummy and gran turned into mad woman.

debka hope you are ok.

Things are so much better now with DF we even managed to dtd for the first time after giving birth. ledkr you were right (as always) he says he feels "normal" when he is out with friends. I am so glad we are good again, i realy do love him, he is my rock.

hope everyone has a fab day!

Jane so glad things are better for you and df, but have to second your thoughts on Michael buble!
wandering thank you, it's good to be back.
Ben has started rolling over, exciting (pfb emoticon) but scary. Does anyone else have the problem with their lo in that they have no volume control? I swear the neighbours must be able to hear Ben shouting/ singing or whatever he thinks he's doing!
We're off to look at a new flat this morning, hate the thought of moving again but the house we rent is on the market. Hope everyone has a good bank holiday!