Feb 2011- a bit late, but we're finally in post natal!

[debka]

Welcome everyone!!

Don't know what's gone wrong in the debka house.

Sabine is slowly wasting away.

Her big sister screamed for an HOUR in her bed at naptime, then all the way through bath and bedtime, would only let Mummy come near her.

D bloody H has been on his bloody f-ing computer ALL DAY whilst I struggle to look after both girls, make sure the house is at least hygienic, do the washing and feed everyone. I am really upset. I never swear and I just did. I told him I was cross with him for being like that, he said nothing, just carried on doing whatever it is he's doing. No wonder DD1 doesn't want him near her, all he does is nag at her and tell her off, it's me who puts in all the effort and is bloody kind all the time. Don't know who I feel more sorry for, the girls or me, we're all neglected by him.

OK rant over and now the bloody man has TURNED OFF his computer and come and sat with me so I can't even keep sulking.

Oh, yes I can, I smiled and was nice and said it was nice he was coming to sit with me and he said grunt, watching TV. WHILST EATING THE BAKEWELL TART WHICH I MADE FOR HIM BECAUSE IT'S HIS FAVOURITE- but no thanks, nothing like that.

I've been making the effort for years it seems like, I just cannot be arsed any more. I'll care for my girls and give them my love and affection, he doesn't deserve it.

I'm in tears typing this. My life really stinks today.

Elle, I am lucky having tomorrow to myself, but dh will be away for work from 5am Tuesday until Friday night so I'll have the two boys all by myself! Have to say I'm not as worried now. He was at work from 5am til 7.30pm this Wednesday and I managed ok, just had to be more prepared and got up earlier than the boys! Glad your managing ok by yourself, at least your proving to yourself that you can do it!
Dont mention cheesecake! I've been eating terribly the last few days, I just can't be arsed to eat healthy food!

Evening ladies! jane bless your dp, mine is the type who feels useless unless he can "do something about a problem/fix things" if you know what I mean, I think a lot of men are a bit like that (stereotyping ) and get a bit flappy if there isn;t anything they can do. Sounds a bit difficult about all your friends.

I look and feel like a big fat whale too, my rubbish eating habits have not been helping. Really need to get the wii fit out next week...

at kneecaps!

ledkr glad you're feeling better now, will you be venturing back to the gym I'd be using it as an excuse not to tbh :)

The bloody cat is doing my head in so can't concentrate, need to put dd to bed soon too, but I;ve found a cute poem I;m going to post later when I'm not distracted!

deb really sorry to hear that. He sounds like he's being an arse. Will be back in a bit to post more xxx

Debka Giving you a hug, a quick hair stroke and a little kick up the backside, all with love of course. You need to start taking care of yourself right now. You are already taking brillant care of the girls, Sabine is not wasting away, she is finding her groove weight wise. On Mon if you are still so concerned bypass the HV, ring your GP, demand an appt and make a lot of noise, I know you're concerned about being pushed/pressurised onto formula but you are strong enough to stand your ground.

Your H is being thoughtless, neglectful and selfish, I could go on but only you know him. Stop making the nice cakes, well for him anyway, if you think you can rub along being civil then that's your choice, but none of this is your fault, if he's making you cry there is no excuse for this - it doesn't matter how hard he is finding things, you are his wife, you don't need to earn his love and respect, it should be there.

Please keep posting even if its just to rant, you are among friends, good friends here and we will help, support and listen to anything you want to say xxxxxxxxx

Thanks wiggles. For the first time I just wish he'd leave. I'm sitting here crying and he's in the chair next to me completely oblivious.

.

Deb, poor you. He really is an arse isnt he? I just never know what to say cos i know you are so loyal and really want your marriage to work. I was in this type of marriage as you know and i am so glad it ended as i would have been wasting my life being so unhappy,I did concentrate on my dc's and friends and my career as well. I made a little niche for myself and was ver4y independent,this helped when we broke up cos i knew how to exist without him whereas a friend in the same situation didnt even know where her own p60 was I know its silly but have you tried to ask him what he actually wants and tell him how you are feeling. So sorry if im sticking my oar in but im so passionate about this for obvious reasons.

Debka I agree with Ledkr, I've been married for almost 13 years and me and Mr W have been through some really tough times but I have never ever doubted how much he loves me. You need to build up a life for yourself, we all need do even within a marriage. Take pride in your beautiful girls, know dd1 was a bit of a nightmare today, but dd2 told me she hated me twice yesterday because I wouldn't let her have a fourth ice lolly!! And as for husband, think about what works for you but you also have two girls who will grow up to be women and you need to be clear about what kind of relationship you want them to see. I'm sorry if you think I'm overstepping the mark, talk soon xx

It's ok ledkr, I wouldn't have posted if I didn't want an oar sticking in!

I've tried talking to him but he either goes silent or turns it all on me. I'm not perfect but everyone who knows us can see that it is 90% him. I just don't know what to do, I can't see an end to this bad patch. Thing is, if I did kick him out, say, I'd cope fine but he'd just fall apart. We're all he's got really. Maybe I just need to get tough and tell him to buck his ideas up or he can go.

Actually, maybe I should tell him what I expect of him, rather than just having a hysterical rant. Some ideas-

• Him to listen to me and ask about how I am
• Him to try and be affectionate towards me, give me a hug or a kiss at least once a day
• Him to play with the DCs every day to give me a bit of a break
• Him to turn off his computer in the evenings and sit with me, and maybe even TALK to me

Sounds like a bloody miserable marriage doesn't it, where I have to ask him to do these things. But they say men need things spelled out for them, don't they?

Deb I agree with wiggles and ledkr. He's sitting next to you when you're crying and not saying anything?!

I don't know you (well) or your h but it makes me think, if it were me, how long would I be prepared to put up with it for? Could you ask him to move out somewhere for a few days?

Your girls have you, their kind loving mummy, and thats so important and shows you're doing such a good job. Sorry I'm waffling a bit but just hope you're ok and keep posting if it helps xx

wiggles thinks she's the new mama but my crown remains firmly in place haha.
Seriously Deb,feel free to tell us to butt ou,i would never want you to feel as if you couldnt open up for fear of us telling you what to do. i stayed in a very violent relationship so could never judge anyone I just cant bear to think of anyone so unhappy because of a mere man. Hes probably crying out for you to put him in his place men are alot like kids imo.

wiggles you're right about my girls seeing it, it bothers me a lot. It's a balance of being kind and civil but not letting him walk all over me. I just wish they could have parents like mine who openly care about each other. Having said that my dad drank to excess for many years and neglected her, she stuck with him and kept loving him and he's been dry for 4 years now and they have a happy marriage.

If you're all hes got he needs to start appreciating you, and that might only happen when faced with losing you.
That list is a good start, yes to spelling things out for men :) And its not like you're asking lot of him either, if these things work it could be the start of building your marriage back up. If not, well it might be the answer you need.

Oh debka it sounds like you've had a rubbish day. You should definitely focus all your attention on yourself and the girls. Any chance of a treat tomorrow for you? DH can either join you and be happy or stay at home and you can have fun without him. Maybe a change of scenery will do you all good - we have a fab local park that has tearooms with good cake. I bet DD1 would love to feed the ducks or something like that.

Oh, and in the meantime I'll share my

I'm glad there's some truth in the kneecaps business. Maybe we can keep checking them on a monthly basis and see when they appear!

wiggles I work at Cadbury so fortunately I don't crave chocolate too much. Now talk to me about cheese and crisps and it's another matter!

I'm so glad of you girls on here, thank you :)

ledkr you made me smile, quite an achievement today! I'm off to bed now to read and try and relax a bit.

Enjoy your evenings everyone.

Deb maybe you could write to him as it sounds as if he has atough time with emotions. Can you be affectionate to him?Or would he reject you? I have just told dh that unless he is more loving towards me i will start with the attention seeking behaviour ie come in at 5 am with a lovebite stinking of drink he ignored me as he is playing lego

elles are you in brum? Im thinking cadburys

Ledkr budge over on the mama bench, will ya

Debka Ledkr's idea of a letter is a good one, as is your list, it'll give you something to work on/work through, enjoy your book xxxx

Oh Deb...
I agree with everything that has already been said by the others. You shouldn't have to put up with his behaviour!

Has he noticed that you are crying?

ledkr I am indeed in Brum. I can practically smell the chocolate from my house :)

No wiggles it my damn bench!!

Deb do a letter and we'll all sign it,like alittle petition.
Does he have friends? I feel a bit sorry for him,he has some emotional probs,a letter is less embarrasing for him and hes less like;y to be defensive,tell him you cannot be expected to put up with him for ever like this.Maybe he will think then.

I can understand you not craving chocate so much Elle. my sister went to Cadbury's world once (I've never been myself) and she said that after a while the smell of chocolate makes you feel a bit sick, although she's not a chocoholic like me!

ElleB Chocolate, you live near a chocolate factory and you work for chocolate people, damn you, damn you to hell, I wasn't that much of a chocolate person until I had dds, crisps eaten with chocolate, alternating bites that's my favourite but it has to be a very specific type of crisp native to NI and of course Dairy Milk.

wandering Don't get me wrong, I ate more than my fair share while I was pregnant! You don't even get much chocolate at Cadbury World...most people complain about it.

Enjoy your book deb and hopefully you can wake up tomorrow and tackle your DP.