April 2009 Episode 14 "Operation Kill is standing down."

[AuldAlliance]

Voici FWs!

Auld loves to hang out with BA online, so she should probably start to do it in real life as well and then she'd be all sorted. But not dressed in Burberry,

I am going to pick my steam generating iron up in a minute. I am impossibly excited. The ironing basket is 6ft high at the moment and I want to conquer it (although to be fair I usually plead joint problems and DH steps in).

Hello all

Hope all is good, sorry haven't posted in a while been feeling horrendously rough with ms all day sickness and work has been horrific but I've turned my mobile phone off today and have busied myself outside with K and sorting out some more house bits (we are almost completely decorated and moved in!) so feeling a bit better about everything.

Auld, I second what Puzz says, I am snappy constantly and I have DH, my sister and mother round helping most of the time and DS1 is clearly the best little boy ever . Why not ignore the lists of things tomorrow and just do something nice with the boys?

Boff, good that your colleagues are feeling the same (well not good but you know, better than you feeling frustrated alone!)

Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend, I have a very tired, hungry child crawling all over me so better go and make his dinner.

Have any babies arrived yet? xx

What do you mean BB? Are work not being sympathetic?

It's hard to explain really, we have been really busy with a launch for a nightmare client and the workload is only getting bigger for me which is fine but not when you are feeling so rough (and enough people know at work for them to be a bit more aware). Am hoping once I have my scan on Tuesday and it is out in the open with everyone work I can slow things down a bit or at least I will feel more comfortable speaking out about it.

How are you and the girls?

everyone at work!

Oh scan on Tuesday. Cool, will you find out the sex?

We are ok. Ellen's chest has been quite bad but she seems to be improving.

We are having our rotten porch torn down and replaced which is a bit of a pain as it is very very noisy and my next door neighbour has a heart condition. Last time we made noise (bit of drilling) she showed me her chest scar and I felt terribly guilty.

I wonder if we will hear from Vezzie/Gingersarah soon.

Work sounds rough BB take what time you can.

Puzzle- :(

Dh offered to make me lunch...I hate accepting now days as if I say, yes that sounds lovely...I get food about an hour later...in my current state that is just too long; if I want food I want it NOW! Tho I know he's just trying to help...I have to squirrel away food somewhere so that I can manage to 'wait' for him...

We're waiting for news of babies here too. Beside Vezzie we have another friend who was due on Friday... and another friend (the control freak one) who still has not had hers...

Sorry to here about Ellen, are they giving you anything to control it?

Sorry to laugh but I can't believe she showed you her chest scar - talk about knowing how to play things!!

Bebe - snap, when I am hungry I need food that second and DH takes about 45 minutes to prepare even if the cooking only takes 10 minutes.

Puzz, probably not. DH isn't coming as he is away with work so I am taking my sister. Didn't with K and I was really pleased but this time I am more intrigued...

Yes, she has Beclometasone and Salbutamol.

In hindsight it was quite funny. DH was REALLY grateful it was me she whipped her nightie open at and not him.

I'm very excited this morning. DH was out with Ellen yesterday so my Mum and I spent some time discussing his 40th next year. She is going to have the girls for the weekend so we can drive the Nurburgring.

Ooh puzz, that sounds exciting. When are you going?

Do they help her, I remember having the brown inhaler with the pump thing and salbutamol and salbutamol helped when I was having an attack but the brown one didn't really do anything in terms of controlling the actual underlying issue.

I am feeling slightly happy today managed to drive all the way to London without being sick so small victories...

I'm glad you are feeling relatively better.

I assumed the brown was helping as we didn't have any hospital admissions over the winter compared to the frequent admissions the previous year.
And when we reduced the dosage she seemed to get worse. I know that it probably takes a period of adjustment but she was suffering so we have upped it again. We will wait until the weather is better to reduce it again.
We are still hopeful that this we just disappeared sooner or later. All the medics seem to tell us that this is probable.

DH is 40 in June next year so late June or early July depending on when the weekend falls. My Mum has collected an absurd number of airmiles over the years so she is sorting out flights and accommodation. Which means more money for champagne. We have never left the girls overnight so I think we need to start doing that soon so they get used to it. I am ridiculously excited. If I count the months when Ellen was in utero then we have not had a night to ourselves since July 2006.

Oooh evenmore exciting - how nice of your mum!

Fingers crossed she does grow out of it, it is very probable.

Ooh yes, the first few nights I left K were awful (for me, he didn't care!!) and now I look forward to the sleep and lazy mornings...

I am feeling much, much better today (I realise I have probably just jinxed it) really want to come off the anti sickness tablets soon but when I don't take them I just feel really unbearably rough!).

seriously considering telling dh Meg and I are going home.
But then I'm not sure how I'll handle having her 24/7. And then he'll want to follow when we really need him to be on this job and making money.
Just not happy (know he isn't really either tho) and find myself slipping which is really not good; I'm not deal well at all.

Bebe, what do you want to do? Forgetting DH for now and his work, what do you want to do?

If it does mean that you want to come home, could he come back every other weekend to be with you?

I don't really know tbh. I want to stop feel so anxious all the time. I feel like I'm going to implode half the time. Tho I'm not certain that being back home by myself (but with Meg) is really going to help that either because she'll be my responsibility 24/7 and I'll have no relief from it at all. I'm simply not coping with the language or the people and being in unfamiliar places all the time...yet I cannot seem to shake myself up to DO anything either. I freeze if I have to try to call people; I cannot find information out online. Meg can't do anything because there aren't playground facilities that really work for toddlers, the stuff in the apartment is not ours, and not child friendly so she's limited in play when indoors too.
Every week I wake up and think God how am I going to manage this week, tho I am getting through them so I should just stick it out. It wouldn't be the same if I wasn't preggy I know because I'd not be so hormonal, stressed, worried abt having to/needing to talk to people/doctors.
I keep thinking that I really should have never got married, had kids and moved to any foreign country let alone this one (if only for this short time). I keep thinking ultimately I would have been better off simply pining after the different life and marrying some farm hack with no goals and no desire to do anything...

Him coming home every other weekend would just be too expensive tbh also. If we're not here I'm positive he'll just quit.

It's not helping that literally everything I do, if I move anything, touch anything, try not to do anything... gets a scream and 'no! stoppit! NO momma!' from Meg with tears and 5minutes of tantrum...

Oh yes, know that feeling - although thankfully we are having a break from that particular phase at the moment and he is back to being human again. Although also thankfully K's speech isn't that good so we just have screaming tantrums rather than the telling off!

Does DH have any other work options in the UK?

Again, I am probably over stepping and I apologise but I have lots of friends and family that have suffered from depression and to be honest, it sounds to me like you are heading that way and it will only get worse unless you take steps to resolve your issues. I personally think you need to take the time to think about what is going to make you happy, and if that is coming home, DH will support you. It's not helpful I know and a very difficult decision but you haven't been happy since you got there. I know it's not that simple and easy for me on the outside to have a view on it.

I am well aware that I'm very close to slipping properly into depression. I feel very similar to the way I felt when I was a teenager and suffered from it only I still am having good days occasionally... I'm not sure that going home is actually going to stop it it either and that is the problem. The difference there is that everything will be familiar and in the right language so talking to dr.s etc won't be a problem. BUT I know I cannot deal with Meg like this from 7am until 8.30pm all week long for 4 months. I just don't have the energy or the strength.
I keep thinking if I hold on and the weather gets properly nice and somehow we'll manage to get everything sorted so we'll feel comfortable. And then maybe the anxiety will lift and I'll be able to sort myself all out and feel happy again...but I really really worry that if I feel like this now what will I be like after the baby is born? -dh is thinking we won't have the money for him to take time off after the baby is born which means more time by myself but dealing with a toddler and baby.

I would second what BB is saying as it sounds like depression to me. I also think that every day you should force yourself into central Munich (if it's near enough) to one of the better play parks, or to a swimming pool, or bilingual playgroup. You do sound awfully cooped up to me.

Can he not take paternity leave?

Could you ask DH's family to help out with meg if you do come home? What does DH think about it all?

It's a horrible situation to be in and by no means an easy thing to contemplate but just think about what you really want and what will make those good days more frequent...

I'll be honest; I cannot cope with Meg on the train and the few times we've been in to Munich (on the weekend granted) I've really hated it. People push and shove, and don't help or wait a moment to let you struggle with your pushchair on lifts, or escalators to get out of their way on trains. I get yelled at at least once a week even around the apartment for who knows what...I guess because they feel Meg's not dressed correctly or something.

I really don't feel like Munich is the family-friendly place people told me it was. I cannot figure out what they mean tbh as there seems nothing to be done with toddlers. And when the weather is rainy... well there's nothing at all to do especially on Sundays. We must be missing things, but cannot find the information to tell us where to go or what to do.

Dh's family helps with Sister's kids and really have no time to help, in part because at home we're 1.5 to 2 hours away (which to me seems little -but apparently to them is a lot)

DH is self employed so 'paternity leave' simple means no money coming in for us.

Dh knows things are not good, but he keeps saying the same, maybe when this happens or that happens... tho he's pursuing some jobs already for when this one is up. However I am feeling criticised by him more lately too (tho I know it's not intentional), house is never clean enough, I'm always tired, and he feels he's picking up a lot of slack... I've not mentioned going home yet because it's only today that I felt the sudden desire....
is it just escapism? trying to avoid working on the problems here?

he's escaping by day dreaming about cars we cannot have and monstrous touring bike rides he can't go on, and camera lens' he wants...

The government will pay him paternity leave if he is self employed.

I am going to be brutally honest - I don't think you are trying to avoid it, I think you are seriously unhappy there, I have done for a while to be honest, but you needed to accept it yourself (which I think you are doing). I think you need to work out whether it is where you are, what you are doing or something else that is making you unhappy and work on it before it gets too much for you. I do think you need to take steps as soon as possible to make things better, because clearly seeing if it gets better is not working for you.