Thread 50 - Covid GCSE Cohort - New Year of Adulting

[OrangeSpicedBun]

2024 here we are... our young people are still getting used to adulting and we're still doing that adulting thing ...it's tough !

This is a support thread for our young adults post GCSEs 2020, regardless of their educational setting, and their results ( or life updates for those who went into work or have had results earlier). It is respectfully requested that all are supportive and helpful to each other. If you want to start a debate, e.g state vs private, uni vs employment please don't within this thread.

Some of us have been here since first thread back in yr10, some will be new. Everyone has been friendly and helpful in the past. Everyone is welcome. It is hoped this will continue. We were previously on the secondary board and then further education, now we shall be here in 'Parents of Adult Children' gulp

Our DS/DD may continue down various pathways ( employment, apprenticeships, higher ed). Experience is that everyone is welcomed wherever, whatever their child is doing we have some in work, gap years , apprenticeships etc too. Lots of contributors with different experiences and always sympathy and advice to be had.
Previous thread
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parents_of_adult_children/4922401-thread-49-covid-gcse-cohort-the-nights-are-drawing-in?page=10

Oh no @craggyrat ! Poor DS.

Oh, that's rubbish, craggyrat! Poor DS.

Glad to hear you're on the mend, Shimy. Will you have ongoing side effects from your illness and surgery, or is it more of an acute condition that has been cured?
I have Crohn's, so have a bit of experience with bowel issues.

We are still trying to battle our way through the situation with DS and the ex. So frustrating and draining; school are trying to press us into pursuing it with the police, rather than simply dealing with it by excluding her.
Lots of emotional upset with D D too, after the boy she was seeing got the wind up about continuing their relationship, in light of being offered a placement year in Oz.

I feel a bit emotionally wrung out by everything, if I'm honest.

@EwwSprouts Agreed. That is the worst uni experience I've ever heard of as well. Poor poor lad! couldn't he transfer somewhere else?

@craggyrat Oh no! some people are just rotten to the core. I hope it wasn't a brand new one? not that it makes much difference, second hand bikes cost shit loads these days.

@Alwaysplayspicc Sorry to hear about your Crohn's. I used to work with a gentleman who had Crohn's and I remember it was quite hard for him. Is this why you're having surgery? you poor dear I you're not in too much discomfort ? Mine was an obstruction of the intestines, so not exactly long term but caused by adhesions from previous hysterectomy healing over and blocking the bowels. So I'm praying it doesn't happen again. I had no idea this could happen not that it would have made any difference as it was the only option i had left at the time. The curse of being a woman.

Re: DD It's difficult watching them going through so much pain isn't it, you know it will pass but that means nothing to the person heartbroken at the time. I can see from the BF point of view too....who would turn down a placement in OZ!!!! It such a shame its happening at a time you're going through so much already and all maxed out. Hope she has good friends that can rally round and distract her.

Oh no @craggyrat that's gutting! Was it stolen from home or uni?

@Alwaysplayspicc it doesn't sound like the school have dealt with it very well. For the long term, and the potential for her to do this again to other people, or worse, perhaps the police should be involved? But I can totally understand that you don't need that on top of everything else. Your poor dd too, it's so hard supporting them through their emotional ups and downs isn't it. If he's already wanting to finish things, he doesn't sound very sure of the relationship, and it's much better than him going off to Oz and leaving her hanging, wondering what he's doing there, will he contact her etc. But so upsetting for her 😥

Stolen from uni again.... First stolen one was second hand and this was cheap from Decathlon but new. Grrrrrr

@craggyrat How annoying. Some people are just lowlife.

@Alwaysplayspicc The school need to step up and deal with it. They just want to be able to say we support all our pupils but this was taken out of our hands when it became a police matter. I'm sorry your DS and you are being put through this.

@shimy I don't know if transfer was ever an option, particularly in covid times. as so few universities offer aeronautical engineering. He has his degree now and is busy applying for pilot programmes with airlines but at the time it hit his mental health.

Hello to you all, sorry haven't been around much, started my new job last week.

Sorry to hear of bike 🚲 craggy, bastards.
Piccolo I too think it's time for the police re her!

Originally, the school said all the right things about us going to the police, but at the same time warned us that it would be a very long,drawn-out process and we'd need to consider carefully whether the outcome would be worth the stress.
EwwSprouts, you are spot on - the school doesn't want to have to take responsibility for excluding her, for fear that her parents will appeal, but they're happy for DS to be put through the stress of a potential court case which obviously won't change her presence at school in the meantime.

We have contacted the policeman dealing with our case, to add the latest incidents to our complaint.

How's the job going, Oblomov23? Is it a huge relief?

@Alwaysplayspicc that’s awful, is it an independent school? The fear of appeal may be real, but that shouldn’t stop them doing the right thing, their processes should be robust enough to withstand an appeal and it that’s what it takes they should do it. This behaviour is appalling and is surely a safeguarding risk to your DS (and maybe others if she starts on someone else). Have you approached the chair of governors?

@Oblomov23 glad to hear you’ve found a new job, hope you are settling in OK.

Yes, independent.
We've tried to argue exactly this with the head, but he seems to feel that he needs evidence that would stand up in a court of law.
It's crazy - this person has contacted other students, pretending to be DS, she has been accused of stealing other students' possessions, she has threatened students, she has broken school curfews, failed to turn up to classes and mock exams, all aside from interfering with DS's online accounts, but the head is firm that there's no proof unless we go to the police and ask them to investigate.

We asked whether the governors were involved and apparently it has been discussed with the chair. I'm not sure what else we can do, other than perhaps talk to a solicitor?

@Alwaysplayspicc the onus to take action really should not be on the victim - grrrr! One problem is that the school saying there is no proof not only undermines your DS, it also validates the parents' claim that she has done nothing wrong. Is there any risk that she will end up at music college or can you be confident that he will never see her again after June? The last thing you want when preparing for A levels is the stress of a police investigation, even if it is what should happen. I have no idea how helpful the police would be in this situation, with a string of what might be relatively minor crimes. School really should exclude her. Maybe you should get a personal injury lawyer to write to the school stating that due to the schools lack of action DS is suffering with mental health issues and if they don't deal with it you will be seeking compensation! That is about 25% in jest!!

I'm with Monkey here Piccolo. The school seems to have a misguided view on safeguarding the girl only, with no regard to your son's mental well being, he is the victim here. If she continues to be this unhinged without any recourse, what could she escalate to? This is happening on the school's watch, so legal advice may be the way to go here...

@Oblomov23 Congratulations on starting the new job. Hope everyone is friendly & your settling in well.

The police have already told us they would investigate her for stalking & harassment, coercive controlling behaviour, and misuse of a computer.
Obviously, these are all beyond the school's remit or capabilities, but our point is that all the other incidents that have been directed at DS are very definitely within the school's powers to deal with ( and additionally, they have had other areas of concern with her behaviour towards other pupils and her academic progress)

A police investigation, when DS has A levels and I'm going through cancer treatment is the very last thing any of us want.

At this rate, I can't see her making it to music conservatoire but who knows? The music world is very small, especially in London.

@Alwaysplayspicc if the police think there's enough evidence to charge her for those crimes, how on earth are the school saying there's no evidence? It's truly bizarre - or are they worried about losing her fees...

School just says it's above their capabilities "as school teachers".
At a guess, I think they don't want to put their name to any kind of action against her, for fear of her parents getting lawyers involved. Far neater them if we get police involved and she is found to have committed a criminal offence - there would be no potential for appeal then.

Thanks for all the well wishes for new job. Only been there 2 weeks, so it's early days but they all seem nice.

@Alwaysplayspicc The situation just gets more and more bizarre! I think I would be looking into the school's formal complaints procedure.

I have a weekend Home Alone with nothing much in the diary as DW and DS are away windsurfing, so of course I woke up ridiculously early and it's a chance to get the house straight. DD is currently stressed by a coursework essay; she doesn't see why artists have to write essays! Luckily her A-levels have given her some confidence in doing them. She is currently waiting to hear about a potential part-time job, so fingers firmly crossed.

Ours has brought home a boy. He is lovely and they are s so happy, laughing and laughing. It is a long distance relationship though and they are tricky so I do worry for her.

Ah that's lovely @Zebracat , did you decide against the airbnb in the end? Great that she feels comfortable enough to introduce you to him. Long distance is hard, but it can work if they're well suited. Fingers crossed!

Hope dd gets the job @PhotoDad . My dd has finished her training for the caring job and come home with loads of paperwork . She now has to complete 8 shadowing sessions before she goes out on her own.

Glad she's happy @Zebracat .

Hope your DD is successful @PhotoDad .@crazycrofter - that sounds like a full on job! I admire the work ethic.

DS has a new old bike £75 from our local church charity - refurbed folding bike. They are fab for second hand bikes. Bike 1 was from there.... we will take it down at Easter. 6am at boathouse is bad enough if you're cycling but far worse if you're walking....!

DD is home until Thursday or Friday 😊 It was going to be Thursday but she’s found out she doesn’t need to go to teaching practice on Friday after all. She seems to be in a generally good place where she’s happy away but also at home - she’s said she just felt a bit tired of looking after herself, and it’s nice to be home. Good happy medium imo - we were talking about homesickness as it’s struck her that it’s possible to hate the year abroad and have to come home. I think she’ll be fine though.

I do like the first day after she comes home, when I wake up and realise her room is occupied again. I don’t expect to see her for a while though!

DD is coming home on Saturday - just as DS breaks up for half term. So we’re going to have a full house (DS is a weekly boarder, so we only usually see him at weekends).

Craggy So pleased your DS managed to get what sounds like a bargain from your church charity for all of £75! wish we could get something like that near us.

Glad to hear about all the big kids coming home and now wondering when DS will announce he is coming home. It is rather nice when you wake up to the sound of giggling or thumping footsteps on the landing (DS2 walks like he is angry with the floor!) and the house isn't just echoing back at you.

Today I have taken a tentative step to resume my daily exercise routine. I did the circuit walk which was quite painful but completed it. Tomorrow I plan to resume add on the uphill walk, & pilates.

@Alwaysplayspicc How are you feeling?