Adult drama queen daughter wants to move home

[Yespresh]

To say our daughter has put us through emotional hell in the past 5 years is an understatement.

As an 18 year old she was so keen to be independent that this house was bought with a self contained annexe for her. She lived here for a few months caused havoc, moved two homeless boyfriends in (not at the same time). She took drugs, stole from us, lied, pretty sure she was also supplying drugs. She has also accused us of abusing her but wasn't able to say how or when. Basically you name it, she’s done it.

Moving on a few years and boyfriends she now has a new job as a glamour model, wants to be nearer London and she is now saying she wants to move home. We currently have a lodger in the annexe who would have to leave. It is OK that the lodger leaves and she moves home but I am not sure I can cope with her behaviour.

At the moment it is me, DH and DS26 who has ADHD at home. DS26 is not at all happy.

After a lot of research into our daughter’s unusual behaviour we realise she may have narcissism. We have been reading up about it. She can be horribly verbally abusive and will turn on you very quickly. She has zero empathy. During my recent cancer treatment and horrendous chemo she didnt make contact at any time to offer support, sympathy or even a card. The last few times I have seen her I usually stay silent but I can’t live like that. I can’t have her here and be tiptoeing around her.

So I will have to make our very nice, quiet lodger homeless in exchange for our narcissistic daughter who may decide after a week or so she doesn’t want to live here any more because we are such horrible parents.

Your thoughts?

Don’t do it. Give her lots of support
which won’t be enough to find a flat or room nearby and batten down the hatches against the rage.

Don’t do it.

You would be letting your abuser (back) in to your home.

No one should have to do that no matter who the abuser is.

I wouldn't let her move back, it's as simple as that.

Just say no, you love her but she cannot live with you. She is an adult and her behaviour has consequences. Really. Go hard line.

Don't do it. She isn't going to be happy but that's easier to cope with than her living with you.

It doesn't sound like you want her back.
I would use the lodger as an excuse. He's just signed a new tenancy contract, hasn't he?
She's 23 and has a job - it's time she stood on her own two feet. Hard for you to say that to her with her brother still at home, I do understand that.

No. It will potentially impact your health, & your DS's wellbeing. Can either of you cope with that? She needs to grow up & learn to cope. You know the accusations will happen again at some point.

I'd look into the causes of narcissism before throwing that term about because it won't reflect well on you.

Would a good compromise to say that the lodger is settled but that you could help her financially from that income to help her pay for a small place or room locally for a while while she finds her feet. Less disruption but you are still helping her.

Either say outright no or yes only on condition that she agrees to both individual and family therapy. It’s unlikely that her behaviour has developed independently of the family dynamics.

No way! You've already experienced her behavior once

Don't do it.

No no no.
Don't do it.
By all means help her settle somewhere but don't disrupt your life again or ever again.

No it's not good for either of you

Don't be a mug. Support her from a distance, but don't invite drugs and abuse back into your home.

I was thinking about some sort of therapy. Not sure how to approach this though. She gets aggressive quickly.

Unsure1983 I have looked into the causes of narcissism already. Yes I admit to telling both my children they were fabulous because no one ever told me I was as a child and it has always affected my self esteem.

@Unsure1983

I'd look into the causes of narcissism before throwing that term about because it won't reflect well on you.

This.

You’ve indulged her to the point of buying a house based on what suits her, as an 18 year old.

And now you appear to be considering booting out a perfectly fine lodger to indulge her again.

You’ve raised a young woman who believes the world revolves around her and it sounds very much like you’re not going to change your behaviour, until you do, she certainly won’t change hers.

Nope

Don’t do it.

I know she’s your daughter but you have your life all settled and it would cause too much disruption.
It also seems to me she wants to do it for her convenience only.

That old Mumsnet classic: “No is a complete sentence”

She will never learn that actions have consequences if you keep bailing her out. You need to say that her “request” (demand) doesn’t work for you. Why would you choose to go backwards towards the chaos when it sounds like your life is much more settled without her living with you. If she has housing issues she needs to speak to the housing office at her local
Council and do a benefits check to see if she is entitled to anything. Citizens Advice can help her with both of these things.

No of course not. She doesn’t even like you. She’s a massive liability and possibly previously a criminal.

You know that. You know based on what you’ve written no one will tell you you should have her back.

No. Time for her to grow up.

It would be a no from me. You have a good tenant, why on earth would you give them notice to invite the enviable trouble back?
Stop being a doormat and say no.

You have one Neuro divergent child.

Neuro divergency in women is often mistaken for personality/mood disorders.

Those are far more likely than narcissism tbh.

Think of yourself and your son. Don't do it.

Offer support or money for therapy although she wouldn't imagine she has a problem and all difficulties would be probably your fault anyway.