Adult drama queen daughter wants to move home

[Yespresh]

To say our daughter has put us through emotional hell in the past 5 years is an understatement.

As an 18 year old she was so keen to be independent that this house was bought with a self contained annexe for her. She lived here for a few months caused havoc, moved two homeless boyfriends in (not at the same time). She took drugs, stole from us, lied, pretty sure she was also supplying drugs. She has also accused us of abusing her but wasn't able to say how or when. Basically you name it, she’s done it.

Moving on a few years and boyfriends she now has a new job as a glamour model, wants to be nearer London and she is now saying she wants to move home. We currently have a lodger in the annexe who would have to leave. It is OK that the lodger leaves and she moves home but I am not sure I can cope with her behaviour.

At the moment it is me, DH and DS26 who has ADHD at home. DS26 is not at all happy.

After a lot of research into our daughter’s unusual behaviour we realise she may have narcissism. We have been reading up about it. She can be horribly verbally abusive and will turn on you very quickly. She has zero empathy. During my recent cancer treatment and horrendous chemo she didnt make contact at any time to offer support, sympathy or even a card. The last few times I have seen her I usually stay silent but I can’t live like that. I can’t have her here and be tiptoeing around her.

So I will have to make our very nice, quiet lodger homeless in exchange for our narcissistic daughter who may decide after a week or so she doesn’t want to live here any more because we are such horrible parents.

Your thoughts?

Just say no. It isnt possible as someone else is now living there. You know its the right thing to do.

No. Don't make someone homeless after treating you like that. At her age she should be self sufficient and earning enough as a 'glamour model' to pay for her own place. Tough decision but you know it's the right one. Don't be a doormat and stop enabling her.

Agree with those saying she is much more likely to be on the ND spectrum than be a narcissist. Not only do girls present differently, every person on the spectrum is different.
I wouldn’t let her back into your annex, but I would try to find other ways to support her, and perhaps move towards having her assessed for ASD/ADHD.

So she about 23?

Why doesn’t she get a flat share? Much more appropriate for everyone.

Nope. Absolutely not.

Why are you embarrassed by her job?

@RubyRedSlippers1

She sounds like one of my sisters! Do not let her move back in. The more accommodating you are with these people, the more they abuse you and they pick on the people who are nicest to them.

I don't know much about narcissism, but I do think my sister might be a sociopath / psychopath.

Agree with others saying you can support her in other ways as she may be neuro divergent.

I will say that this sister of mine was supported in every possible way. She was allowed to live with my parents rent free the whole way through her twenties. She verbally and even physically abused my mum who was very sick. My dad had to physically pull her off our frail mum. She is a big, heavy, strong adult and this was not easy. When my mum ddied she moved out but had her rent and university fees all paid for for many years. She's actually very clever and has a very impressive job. But she tormented our dad, accused him of murdering our mum which was completely bizarre. She then got bored of that and then moved on to one of our other siblings. She has tried it with me too and I've just very casually stopped letting her have any contact with us.

My sister may also be neuro divergent, but she is also a bully. I wish my mum had been able to stand up to her.

Support does not mean you have to become a doormat.

I don't know whether your daughter treats you badly or whether you should let her move back in.

What I do know is that it is ADHD is very heritable and it's highly likely she has undiagnosed ADHD and also that one of her parents - probably the one she clashes with the most - also has ADHD.

Why put yourself through it again?

I don’t imagine her line of work offers steady income. My concern would be is she still involved with drugs.

I would offer assistance and support but to sort herself out, not a home or financial. As a parent that’s unimaginable but I think it’s time for tough love and self preservation!

I'd definitely use the lodger as an excuse for her not to move in.

Don't do it, you will regret it forever. As others have said, she's 23 years old so an adult. She's had all the material support she can expect from you. If she needs money then there is plenty of work out there fore her to fit around her modelling. Offer her support in terms of advice but be strong this time and tell her you're not evicting your lodger to bring her back into the annexe. Don't refer to it as her home - it isn't any more.

During my recent cancer treatment and horrendous chemo she didnt make contact at any time to offer support, sympathy or even a card

I’m not really sure why on earth you’d drop everything for her, when she didn’t for you?

Don’t do it. You have to consider yourself and the rest of the family. I wouldn’t be helping her with the rent on her own place either she’s 23 FFS! The sooner she stands on her own feet properly the better. If you find discussing it difficult then practise a few stock phrases out loud like “I’m afraid that’s just not going to work- change subject”. Repeat. Or at worst invent a sudden cat/ door/ house emergency and leave the call.

No.
Then.
Grey rock.

I wouldn't rush to diagnose her. Plus 23 is very different to 18. However, 23 with a party lifestyle vis a nice quiet tenant in my annexe wouldn't be a hard choice.

So I will have to make our very nice, quiet lodger homeless in exchange for our narcissistic daughter

Will you? Says who?
What are the consequences if you don't?
Is it purely that she wants the convenience of basing at the family home for London, or is she in any specific need?

The consequences if you do are an inconvenienced lodger, a pissed off DS, a frazzled you ... & your partner/DH (you say "we" so imagine so)?

So 4 people upset, just to (literally) accommodate 1 person who is likely to behave destructively & cause discord again?

You don't say how old DD is, but what did she learn of consequences, after her last rampage through your annexe? Might she not benefit from being faced with them now? As in - no, you don't get to waltz back into our home, given your previous behaviour?

I'm sure the thought of saying no is horrible.
Both because it's natural to want to help DC, but also because she's bound to kick off when you do.
But if you keep giving in ... when are you going to stop?
How much power & control are you going to hand over to 1 person, at the expense of the other 4?

Wow I feel for her actually.

You clearly don't like or respect her. You are very dismissive of her problems

She was self harming at 14/15.
She has got involved in drugs
she has ended up in glamour work.

She sounds like she needs some help to be honest.

No

I'm not at all saying she should move back in! Thats obviously not productive for either of you, just that she is obviously unhappy with some mental health issues and really could do with an adult on her side to support her. Hopefully she will be able to access some support.

Moving back in isn’t an option for her.

Absolutely not. She's a grown adult not a child and I think you will be enabling her behaviour by letting her back, as well as having to deal with the fallout for your son. Feel bad for your tenant too, given the current rental market.

The didn’t go in to the appointment is interesting in that she told you. She knew it would stress you out.

Basically she deliberately creates drama, she thrives on it.

I know one person who is very like this, extreme drama follows her. We have one shared experience in life and that is sadly we were both sexually abused as children. We all react differently but my sister is in denial it happened and has never made any attempt to process the trauma. I had therapy when I had my DS as it brought it all flooding back.

My therapist said the reaction of some is to be self destructive, it’s self hatred really, they are in denial it happened. I love my sister but after decades of her appalling behaviour I cut her loose after she attempted to seduce my DH. he showed me the messages she sent. I saw it written down, she slipped up.

The only thing you can get her to do is get her to engage with therapy. I’m sorry I have suggested that this is a possibility but reading the description of her reminds me so much of my sister.

I wouldn't.
I would support her in other ways.

@WholeClassKeptIn

I'm not at all saying she should move back in! Thats obviously not productive for either of you, just that she is obviously unhappy with some mental health issues and really could do with an adult on her side to support her. Hopefully she will be able to access some support.

OP has tried to get support for her in her teens.

DD didn't engage, & hid in the loos while pretending to attend appointments.

It's all very well saying she needs help, but how is OP meant to facilitate that, now the DD is an adult, & doesn't accept she has a problem?