Adult drama queen daughter wants to move home

[Yespresh]

To say our daughter has put us through emotional hell in the past 5 years is an understatement.

As an 18 year old she was so keen to be independent that this house was bought with a self contained annexe for her. She lived here for a few months caused havoc, moved two homeless boyfriends in (not at the same time). She took drugs, stole from us, lied, pretty sure she was also supplying drugs. She has also accused us of abusing her but wasn't able to say how or when. Basically you name it, she’s done it.

Moving on a few years and boyfriends she now has a new job as a glamour model, wants to be nearer London and she is now saying she wants to move home. We currently have a lodger in the annexe who would have to leave. It is OK that the lodger leaves and she moves home but I am not sure I can cope with her behaviour.

At the moment it is me, DH and DS26 who has ADHD at home. DS26 is not at all happy.

After a lot of research into our daughter’s unusual behaviour we realise she may have narcissism. We have been reading up about it. She can be horribly verbally abusive and will turn on you very quickly. She has zero empathy. During my recent cancer treatment and horrendous chemo she didnt make contact at any time to offer support, sympathy or even a card. The last few times I have seen her I usually stay silent but I can’t live like that. I can’t have her here and be tiptoeing around her.

So I will have to make our very nice, quiet lodger homeless in exchange for our narcissistic daughter who may decide after a week or so she doesn’t want to live here any more because we are such horrible parents.

Your thoughts?

It would be utterly shit for the DD to find out that she has the same ND things as her brother, who is looked after, lives at home and has the full and unequivocal support of his family while she was basically ignored because she didn't engage with GPs etc (which is something that needed much more support at the time)

But it isn't just because of this. It's also because her behaviour to her family has been beyond horrific. Certainly beyond what they can be expected to tolerate in their home.

Narcissism isn't just to do with indulging a child, or even good cop bad cop, it is to do with a child suffering some sort of trauma and then not being helped to process and come to terms with it, and instead everything being overcompensated, I thought. The fact that she has suffered some sort of trauma - whether it be sexual abuse you weren't aware of, or emotional neglect, or psych abuse, or anything else - would tie in with her cutting herself. And not attending therapy as a teenager.

Unfortunately parenting doesn't come with a manual this isn't exactly right, as there is decades of research around parenting, and a lot of guidance, informed by child development research, a huge amount of guidance. It is easier to access now than when your dc were younger though, because of the internet. But there were some pretty good books around at the time your dc were younger. I think we should be teaching it more in senior school, thinking of future generations.

I don't think you should let her move back in, but I do think that her problems are going to be to do with childhood experiences, which she didn't get enough support with, and it might help to acknowledge that to her and apologise to her. There is some really good psych help for adults, you could look into that for her too.

Just to put in my two penn'orth; a person who a mental health issue or some other difficulty can also be obnoxious/manipulative/bossy/ a drama queen. We will never know how much is down to the condition and how much is their personality as we can't remove the condition to find out. I wouldn't have her back as she clearly causes problems that adversely affect the family, but I would try to be supportive from a distance. However, I don't think that is what the daughter wants so OP I think you just need to say 'no' and mean it.

Well no, of course she shouldn't move in.

However, I don't see how you can ever rebuild a relationship with her when you have this stance of her being a drama queen/narcissist. She sounds like a young person who is hurting and distressed to me. You need appropriate boundaries to protect yourself and others in your family, but your relationship will never improve if you continue to feel very hostile towards her.

Decide what you are able to do together in positive terms, then stick to than rather than rehashing the past. Five years is a long time for someone in their early 20s. If you keep on like this, she might change but you'd be so set against her that you wouldn't see it.

The thing is, she doesn't want to move home, she wants a rent free life. She knows you have an annexe and she thinks she has the right to that free of charge and regardless of how she behaves. She doesn't want to come home to be with the family and she won't have any intention of changing her behaviour.

Fuck that.
No way.
Tell her no.

I don’t think she should move in because your relationship has broken down and living together will do even more damage. If you’d like to fix your relationship, then maybe you can find another way to do that on a different basis and maybe with professional support. A parent and adult child I know have had similar problems, the child has BPD and nothing the parent does is good enough yet they are constantly wanting to move in.

It's a tough one. If you have an adult child living with you, it's hard to deny the other adult child the right to do the same.

I'd be expecting both of them to behave like adults, to pay their way, contribute to household care, cook for the family each week etc, and to abide by agreed rules if they choose to continue living under your roof.

Or give both of them an ultimatum. Say they can both stay for one year and during that year they need to sort their lives and finances out and move out permanently into a place they can afford with a job they can hold down.

I'm not excusing your DD but lockdown has been horrific for young people trying to start out in life and they might need more of a hand out than usual. However, I'd make it very clear that there are no long term guests, and she must treat you with absolute respect at all times and show active gratitude (eg keep the annexe clean, invite you over into it once a week for food etc) as a condition of staying.

Keep the lodger with you and her well away from you.

I know she's your DD...but no!!!

@AfterSchoolWorry

You have one Neuro divergent child.

Neuro divergency in women is often mistaken for personality/mood disorders.

Those are far more likely than narcissism tbh.

You are assuming facts not in evidence.

Your post is absolute nonsense.

My thoughts? I can’t believe what I’m reading. Stole from you? Utterly disrespectful to you, doesn’t give a shit about anyone else….

Give yourself a shake.

I have walked in your shoes OP. Our DD did all the things you list except the glamour modelling, ours went full on into prostitution. I know you want to help and constantly hope things will turnaround. After all kinds different interventions of support from every agency around nothing changed. DD is now nearing forty and has a criminal record. Going non contact has been the saviour of all our family.

Are you sure she does not have undiagnosed ADHD. It looks different in girls but am inability to regulate mood and risky behaviours is a big part of it. Our DD has done all sorts of things including self harm, risky sexual behaviour, shop lifting,. She was recently diagnosed at age of 18. Must women are diagnosed in their 30's or older after a car crash of an early life with often poor acedemic achievement.

Why would you have her back if that's her behaviour? Support at a distance - you run a high risk of making everyone's lives a misery. Help her get a proper diagnosis rather than what you've read on the interent - then perhaps some appropriate help can be found. No way would I have her back, especially as your other DCs would be upset and you say "She gets aggressive quickly".

Op, you have stage 3 cancer? I’m so sorry

For this reason alone (and plenty of others), you need to say no. You need to prioritise yourself and your health right now.

And typical on MN, you are the parent who tried to put boundaries in place for your daughter, and yet you’re the one being blamed, not your DH who indulged her.

Take care of yourself 💐

@Yespresh

She has asked to stay for a few nights next week as she is working in London. She’ll be on a fold up bed in the sitting room. We will try and have a conversation with her about all of this. The last time she stayed over she wanted me to watch a film with her about a woman who dies of cancer. When I said I didn’t want to she said “it’s not about you” and wasn’t able to connect how it would make me feel with stage 3 cancer.

Don't let her stay.

If you decide to pass on this delightful offer (as everyone here thinks you should, as do I) be prepared for a shed load of abuse as it may well be the first time she has heard the word "No" coming from you, which will also mean her having to pull her finger out. Stand firm-this will b better for both of you.

I think one of the main issues really is that she knows how to behave and speak to people in a civil way as she has been working in customer facing roles. If she spoke to those people like she does her family she wouldn’t be working there the next day. So the venom is saved for us. When I told her I didn’t want to watch the film about the woman dying of cancer she flipped and left the house as soon as she could. My son tried to explain it to her but she just didnt get why I wouldn’t watch it.

She says we abused her and if I ask how she says things like I didn't tuck her in. Well her Dad tucked her in and read stories every night. They were both loved and cared for. She said I didnt make her food but she had food made for her every night but she refused to come downstairs to eat it. So is this abuse????

No.

She's an adult now, she has a job - she can find and pay for her own accommodation.

@Sarahlou63

Anyone who knows her and knows you won't be swayed by her 'badmouthing' you.

You could tell her you love her but you don't like her disorder (thus separating the two in her mind - don't use the word personality) and that you'll be emotionally supportive when she decides to get help. But, as you know, it's unlikely she will change.

OP can't realistically say this. Her DD hasn't been diagnosed with anything!

Why would you even consider this???

She’s rude, selfish, nasty and disrespectful. There’s no way I’d ever have someone like that in my home even if they were my child.

She’s an adult and she earns a wage.

She started cutting at 14/15 and refused to talk to you or eat with you.
I would bet she has endured some sort of trauma. And agree the whole family should have been in therapy. This is a symptom of bigger issues.

ADHD typically presents differently and is underdiagnosed in women.

However its pretty much academic as she is an adult and you can't make her seek help, only suggest it and offer to support her through it (from a different home address).

Don't let her move home unless all there of you agree that you want your lives turned upside down again.