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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Adult drama queen daughter wants to move home

211 replies

Yespresh · 01/11/2021 07:58

To say our daughter has put us through emotional hell in the past 5 years is an understatement.

As an 18 year old she was so keen to be independent that this house was bought with a self contained annexe for her. She lived here for a few months caused havoc, moved two homeless boyfriends in (not at the same time). She took drugs, stole from us, lied, pretty sure she was also supplying drugs. She has also accused us of abusing her but wasn't able to say how or when. Basically you name it, she’s done it.

Moving on a few years and boyfriends she now has a new job as a glamour model, wants to be nearer London and she is now saying she wants to move home. We currently have a lodger in the annexe who would have to leave. It is OK that the lodger leaves and she moves home but I am not sure I can cope with her behaviour.

At the moment it is me, DH and DS26 who has ADHD at home. DS26 is not at all happy.

After a lot of research into our daughter’s unusual behaviour we realise she may have narcissism. We have been reading up about it. She can be horribly verbally abusive and will turn on you very quickly. She has zero empathy. During my recent cancer treatment and horrendous chemo she didnt make contact at any time to offer support, sympathy or even a card. The last few times I have seen her I usually stay silent but I can’t live like that. I can’t have her here and be tiptoeing around her.

So I will have to make our very nice, quiet lodger homeless in exchange for our narcissistic daughter who may decide after a week or so she doesn’t want to live here any more because we are such horrible parents.

Your thoughts?

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 01/11/2021 08:24

No way, she's an adult. Any stress could make your illness worse, hope things are getting better for you.

MatildaIThink · 01/11/2021 08:25

@Yespresh

I was thinking about some sort of therapy. Not sure how to approach this though. She gets aggressive quickly.

Unsure1983 I have looked into the causes of narcissism already. Yes I admit to telling both my children they were fabulous because no one ever told me I was as a child and it has always affected my self esteem.

Do you think she is Narcissistic, or that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Narcissists rarely get better and any kind of indulging them just makes them worse, NPDs never get better and any kind of indulging of them will make them abuse you even more as they will see you as an even easier target.
Mamette · 01/11/2021 08:26

No, I think I would offer financial and practical support looking for a new place nearer London. But not back into your home.

Sally872 · 01/11/2021 08:26

Nope. I would be torn if she was going to be homeless but definitely not in this case. Not fair on you, dh, ds or lodger. The only reason I can imagine you are saying yes is to stop her being angry at you. That is no way to live, and she will be angry about something else once she gets there.

timeisnotaline · 01/11/2021 08:26

Don’t do it. You don’t have to. She can be nasty to you while living elsewhere, or be nasty to you while living with you. I’d pick A!

Budapestdreams · 01/11/2021 08:28

I agree with pp. Don't let her back. If your lodger had signed any kind of tenancy agreement then you cannot legally evict them, which is what you can tell your daughter. If she is likely to still want to move in with you in months/years you will have to be blunt and say no.
By all means help her find a flat, but she will make your lives a misery again.

Dragongirl10 · 01/11/2021 08:28

Don't do it, she has to learn( if possible) that she cannot treat people badly then expect them to drop everything to accomodate her.
Also if she has form for bringing drop outs to the annex do you really wan t to go through that again? ( the boyfriend may not last)

Original poster
Yespresh · 01/11/2021 08:30

You have hit the nail on the head. That is exactly what is happening. She only contacts us when she wants something then we roll over for her. The problem is she will twist everything and badmouth us to others and we are then abusive in her eyes.

She is a party girl. We are embarrassed by her new job but it suits her perfectly.

OP posts:
Maskless · 01/11/2021 08:34

If your lodger's accommodation is, as you say, self contained - he has his own front door and does not share a kitchen and bathroom with you, then legally he is not a lodger but a tenant and you are breaking the law by not issuing him with an AST. You can buy one in Smith's or possibly download one.

Do that today then you can truthfully tell DD that your tenant has a legal right to stay.

Do not let her back in the house.

Pinkorangutan · 01/11/2021 08:34

OP could you look at this as a good opportunity to set a boundary with your daughter. Start by telling her you love her a lot but as PP said, previous actions have consequences. You have to think of the entire household, not just her and she caused so much disruption last time, you cannot entertain repeating the experiment.

If she screams at you, calmly say she is just proving your point, and if it's on the phone just say, if you continue to scream at me I will put the phone down. If it's in person, say if you continue to scream, I will leave the room or ask you to leave.

Just keep repeating your point, calmly. Don't back down. Learning to observe other people's boundaries is the best gift you can give her.

If and when she calms down, then if you can afford it you could offer to help her in a modest way financially, but only for a limited time (boundaries again) and if she's respectful and appreciative.

Sarahlou63 · 01/11/2021 08:36

Anyone who knows her and knows you won't be swayed by her 'badmouthing' you.

You could tell her you love her but you don't like her disorder (thus separating the two in her mind - don't use the word personality) and that you'll be emotionally supportive when she decides to get help. But, as you know, it's unlikely she will change.

RobertsRadio · 01/11/2021 08:37

My thoughts: Stop being such a pushover and find your backbone. Keep your nice well behaved lodger and tell your adult daughter NO. She can sort out her own living arrangements, don't offer her money or support either, she is already living independently, let that continue.

Skysblue · 01/11/2021 08:39

She only wants to move back in BECAUSE you have a lodger and are happy. She’s trying to disrupt everything to make sure she’s in charge.

No way do not let her move in!! Tell her that the annex isn’t available anymore and that she’s an adult who is living independently and there’s no reason she can’t continue to do that. If pressed tell her that last time she made the whole house miserable with her behaviour and that clearly living together does not work. She will tantrum. Let her.

Derbee · 01/11/2021 08:40

You have a duty to house and look after your children.

However, when they are adults, respect and consideration works both ways. Your adult daughter doesn’t have an automatic right to your home. I would generally always try and help my adult children if I was in a position to do so, but your story about cancer treatment, and no contact etc would be the decider for me.

Just tell her it doesn’t work for you for her to move in.

As an aside, you don’t sound as if you like your daughter very much. Your language is all judgmental and cold. Your relationship may improve if you treat her and talk about her with more respect, even if you don’t like her job etc. But you can practice respect, and improving your relationship without her living in your home and butting heads the whole time

LowlandLucky · 01/11/2021 08:41

Why would you allow her to turn your home into a warzone again ? You are enabling her to upset so many lives. Having had cancer the last thing you need is the stress of a druggie that has no time for you.

MyDcAreMarvel · 01/11/2021 08:41

You have one Neuro divergent child.

Neuro divergency in women is often mistaken for personality/mood disorders.

Those are far more likely than narcissism tbh.

This if she doesn’t move back in support her in other ways.

SausageSizzle · 01/11/2021 08:42

Just tell her no. Tell her you rely on the income from the lodger and, as an adult, she needs to sort out (and pay for) her own living arrangements.

Original poster
Yespresh · 01/11/2021 08:45

AfterSchoolWorry - Please tell me more. Our adult son has recently been diagnosed with ADHD but she is nothing like him.

OP posts:
RubyRedSlippers1 · 01/11/2021 08:47

She sounds like one of my sisters! Do not let her move back in. The more accommodating you are with these people, the more they abuse you and they pick on the people who are nicest to them.

I don't know much about narcissism, but I do think my sister might be a sociopath / psychopath.

Brefugee · 01/11/2021 08:55

She's an adult. Support her from a distance but don't make your lodger homeless. Might it be that in future your son could live in the annexe? You wouldn't be able to do that if your daughter moved back.

But as pp said - it is possible that she also has personality disorders rather than narcissism (which is bandied about a lot but i don't think is prevalent as it would be if everyone diagnosed with it on MN truly were a narcissist)

Shallwegoforawalk · 01/11/2021 08:55

@AfterSchoolWorry

You have one Neuro divergent child.

Neuro divergency in women is often mistaken for personality/mood disorders.

Those are far more likely than narcissism tbh.

I did wonder this as well! True, diagnosable narcissists are rarer than you'd imagine from the way it's spoken about on MN.

Whatever the reason, I still think it's a no but offer her support from your lodger income as an alternative?

ColinTheKoala · 01/11/2021 08:55

So I will have to make our very nice, quiet lodger homeless in exchange for our narcissistic daughter who may decide after a week or so she doesn’t want to live here any more because we are such horrible parents

why would you do that? Just because she's your daughter? She can easily find somewhere to live herself (well maybe not easily but she will find something)

LogsAndSquiks · 01/11/2021 08:56

@MyDcAreMarvel

You have one Neuro divergent child.

Neuro divergency in women is often mistaken for personality/mood disorders.

Those are far more likely than narcissism tbh.

This if she doesn’t move back in support her in other ways.

I third this. Poor girl.
Original poster
Yespresh · 01/11/2021 08:56

She changed at around 14/15. She was cutting herself. We tried to get her help. She wouldn't speak to us or anyone. She was going to an NHS counsellor. DH would take her and drop her off but she later told us she stayed in the toilet for an hour and didn't go in. We never found this out, the NHS didn’t say she didn’t go to the appointments!

My DH has always been much too forgiving and perhaps indulged her too much. I on the other hand didn't so I became ‘bad cop’ to his ‘good cop’. After she had cut me off she was still talking to him.

Unfortunately parenting doesn't come with a manual.

OP posts:
CalamariGames · 01/11/2021 08:59

I agree with telling her you have signed a cast iron contact with your tenant and helping her find a nice flat. If she has a job then she can afford it and it will be much better all round.