Adult drama queen daughter wants to move home

[Yespresh]

To say our daughter has put us through emotional hell in the past 5 years is an understatement.

As an 18 year old she was so keen to be independent that this house was bought with a self contained annexe for her. She lived here for a few months caused havoc, moved two homeless boyfriends in (not at the same time). She took drugs, stole from us, lied, pretty sure she was also supplying drugs. She has also accused us of abusing her but wasn't able to say how or when. Basically you name it, she’s done it.

Moving on a few years and boyfriends she now has a new job as a glamour model, wants to be nearer London and she is now saying she wants to move home. We currently have a lodger in the annexe who would have to leave. It is OK that the lodger leaves and she moves home but I am not sure I can cope with her behaviour.

At the moment it is me, DH and DS26 who has ADHD at home. DS26 is not at all happy.

After a lot of research into our daughter’s unusual behaviour we realise she may have narcissism. We have been reading up about it. She can be horribly verbally abusive and will turn on you very quickly. She has zero empathy. During my recent cancer treatment and horrendous chemo she didnt make contact at any time to offer support, sympathy or even a card. The last few times I have seen her I usually stay silent but I can’t live like that. I can’t have her here and be tiptoeing around her.

So I will have to make our very nice, quiet lodger homeless in exchange for our narcissistic daughter who may decide after a week or so she doesn’t want to live here any more because we are such horrible parents.

Your thoughts?

Nope, let her crack on
She has zero respect for you, that was a telling time when you were so ill, she showed her true colours then, if she were mine I wouldn't even be giving it headspace to be honest
Carry on with your life, let the lodger stay and keep your distance from her until she has the nous to sort herself out and be respectful to her family

I sometimes wonder if it's so hard to get a psychiatric appointment in this country because all the mental health professionals are too busy posting on MN! Nobody here can (or should) diagnose you, your daughter, or anyone else. We simply can't know, and wrt your immediate problem, it doesn't matter (both because you can't "fix" any conditions she may have, and because having a neurological difference doesn't mean that you can't also be a dickhead).

You know, from bitter experience, that you can't live peacefully together. So don't. Don't make your tenant move out, they have done nothing wrong.

You can offer support, advice and limited cash, but make it very clear that you won't be housing her. You can encourage her to get professional help, for her debts and for her mental health, but she has to engage with that, not just rely on you to supply her with what she wants.

For what it's worth, I don't think you sound cold, but you do sound exhausted.

I would say No and no to staying over for a short while either. No to sorting out her debts. Let her grow up and work it all out herself. Keep your distance and let the lodger stay. Whatever you do will never be enough, she'll never be grateful, she will blame you for all of her problem etc.
You'll never have any peace otherwise.

I wouldn't do it. Not fair to everyone else. You really can love and care for someone and still have a respectful distance.

This jumped out at me "As an 18 year old she was so keen to be independent that this house was bought with a self contained annexe for her."

That's not keen to be independent. She didn't get a job and rent a room somewhere. You let her talk you into buying a house with loads of space for her.

Don't have her back in your home. She didn't even care about your cancer treatment?

I hope you are recovering

I suspect there is a lot more going on that either you are not saying, or you don't know.
Her behaviour is common amongst young women who have suffered trauma whether sexual abuse or other kinds of trauma.

That's a No from me. If she rants & screams say you are not able to put out a perfectly good paying tenant who has a contract.

What a nasty piece of work that girl is.
I wouldn’t be turfing out a lodger for her, daughter or not

You have a spoilt child who is now an adult and you are all paying the price for this.

It will continue until you all say no. No.

I do have sympathy because I know parents of a similar child, all their other children (2) take second place. She screams, they go running.

So my advice is no. Start saying no to her.

example:

You bought a house with an annexe and she was the deciding factor in this.

Seriously? You spoilt your daughter, it's not and never will be a happy ending.

No.

Just a few things that people have mentioned.

She is signed with a model agency and drives all over the place for work. She is working this way next week hence her wanting to stay. I expect her to be out all day. Not a prostitute although I am not comfortable with it but nothing to do with me.

She def no longer takes drugs. Well she says so!

We didnt buy the house specifically for our daughter. We were moving house. She wanted her own space and DS said he wouldn’t be returning after Uni. Sadly he left Uni after a year.

I wont be telling either of them they have a year to get out. We would on the other hand subsidise their rent for a year. DS is not in the right frame of mind to be leaving anyway.

"She is signed with a model agency and drives all over the place for work."

Then she should be perfectly used to renting a hotel/B&B wherever she is working. Say no.

She is signed with a model agency

Is she? Which one OP? Do you have any evidence? Have you seen a contract? I have a lot of experience in this area, and will very quickly let you know exactly what kind of set up it is. Did she have to pay for her portfolio shots? Does she even have a portfolio? If you'd like me to run through it with you, please PM me.

Hi TwinsandTrifle, I know she is signed with them as she appears on their Instagram which all looks quite savoury. She is also doing grid/ring girl stuff. Thank you but her business isnt mine and she wont thank me for interfering.

@AlfonsoTheUnrepetant I genuinely don't understand how you can see any of the posts here as being disgraceful. The OP said she had read up on NPD and thought her dd had it, and people responded to that, and she has also said her dd was cutting herself at 14. It isn't a question of blaming or shaming, or being an armchair psychologist, the facts given here do indicate that something went wrong in childhood, whether it was trauma, or a disorder not diagnosed, or anything else. If I were in the OP's shoes I would want to hear all these perspectives. And many of the people posting have probably had personal experience on some level.

@Yespresh another thing you could do is talk to a psychologist yourself about what you dd has said to you, and what she has experienced to your knowledge, as you may get some useful insights about how to interact with her and how to point her in the right direction of help. There is really good help possible nowadays for adults who experienced trauma or have disorders, though I think often you need to go private. Best wishes for the future for you both and your health too

@julieca

I suspect there is a lot more going on that either you are not saying, or you don't know. Her behaviour is common amongst young women who have suffered trauma whether sexual abuse or other kinds of trauma.

I completely agree with you here. I actually can't believe the lack of empathy or understanding for the daughter - especially as her mother has even said she self harmed, took drugs, accused them of abuse and they even think she's a narcissist. It's very sad.

@Mamamia344 I find when a young child starts misbehaving, most look for the cause and wonder what is going on. When it is a teenager, it is totally different.
I also think anyone who says my DC accused us of abuse, but dismisses it by saying she couldn't say what the abuse was, is probably not going to be displaying an open attitude to potentially learning for example that her husband sexually abused her. I am not saying that is what happened by the way, but if a child talks about abuse you have to have an open attitude that you could learn about something awful done by people you totally trust.

I agree with @julieca and @Mamamia344. It's very possible there is some proper trauma underneath the difficult behaviour.

Whatever the cause of it, and behaviour like this doesn't come out of nowhere, the young woman herself needs to want to engage with help. Without that nothing is going to work.

OP, I think you need to balance your love for her and her needs with your own needs and your family's. From the sound of it, it's not going to work if she comes back to live with you. From your posts it sounds like really, you know that but don't like it. But you're the one in the situation and you're the one who can judge best.

Personally I would be gently asking about the abuse and not labelling her a drama queen.

btw when I say 'behaviour like this doesn't come out of nowhere' it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your parenting or family. Unfortunately things can and do happen that the family never knows about but the person still shows the effects of trauma.

OP I would have a look at presentation of ADHD and ASD in women and girls to see if any bells start to ring.
If so, it may help you to understand her behaviour.
Also, if she is neurodivergent, it will help her to know this and understand herself.

Tbh her lack of contact whole you had cancer would make me say no. And I'd tell her that. That says it all about what she thinks of you.

Absolutely not. Use the lodger money to support her in another place if needs be.
Given that it sounds lije the force of her will and / or personlity has shaped your response and her expectations in the past expect a backlash. However, the alternate living arrangements will give you time and space to start ro re adjust the boundaries and the relationship over time.
Are yiy or have been scared of her / anxious? This cd lead to decisions that wont be good for yoy if thet are made from a place of anxiety so hold yiur ground and take care of yourself

An update.

She came and stayed for a few nights and is moving to London. Not here. She was actually quite reasonable.

She gave no apologies for her behaviour, she still hasn’t asked how I am cancer wise or shown support, she is extremely self centred. She changes her mind constantly about what she is doing. She is basically a younger Katie Price.

Her modelling is going very well, keeping her busy. She is keen to point out it isn’t sex work apparently.

Thank you for all the kindness but she now doesn’t want to move here. Phew.