Adult drama queen daughter wants to move home

[Yespresh]

To say our daughter has put us through emotional hell in the past 5 years is an understatement.

As an 18 year old she was so keen to be independent that this house was bought with a self contained annexe for her. She lived here for a few months caused havoc, moved two homeless boyfriends in (not at the same time). She took drugs, stole from us, lied, pretty sure she was also supplying drugs. She has also accused us of abusing her but wasn't able to say how or when. Basically you name it, she’s done it.

Moving on a few years and boyfriends she now has a new job as a glamour model, wants to be nearer London and she is now saying she wants to move home. We currently have a lodger in the annexe who would have to leave. It is OK that the lodger leaves and she moves home but I am not sure I can cope with her behaviour.

At the moment it is me, DH and DS26 who has ADHD at home. DS26 is not at all happy.

After a lot of research into our daughter’s unusual behaviour we realise she may have narcissism. We have been reading up about it. She can be horribly verbally abusive and will turn on you very quickly. She has zero empathy. During my recent cancer treatment and horrendous chemo she didnt make contact at any time to offer support, sympathy or even a card. The last few times I have seen her I usually stay silent but I can’t live like that. I can’t have her here and be tiptoeing around her.

So I will have to make our very nice, quiet lodger homeless in exchange for our narcissistic daughter who may decide after a week or so she doesn’t want to live here any more because we are such horrible parents.

Your thoughts?

@AfterSchoolWorry

You have one Neuro divergent child.

Neuro divergency in women is often mistaken for personality/mood disorders.

Those are far more likely than narcissism tbh.

Absolutely this!!! Presents so differently with girls!

Don't kick your lodger out. It sounds like your adult daughter needs support BUT she is taking advantage in my opinion of you always giving in to her demands. Help her find somewhere else to live by all means but don't be a doormat. Sorry but that's the way I think it comes across. Teenagers can be difficult but you don't have to put up with abuse.

I'd be assuming some sort of ND or something with the impulsiveness and struggling to cope you describe. Obviously this would be easier if she were prepared to take support to get on with those conditions. She should perhaps contact a GP, seek debt counseling - but getting her to jump through those hoops is difficult when she sounds very angry.

You can't help someone unless they are ready to help themselves.....I would keep a distant relationship with your daughter,offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on should she need it but other than that you have your own life,responsibilities and marriage to think about! if she moves back in under the same impression as before....where she does what she wants when she wants then that will throw everything else up in the air for you! Plus you won't be doing her any favours or lessons for the long run.......if I were you I would call her and tell her a.you love her and are here for the emotional and physical support But b. You can't move her back into the family home because you have a lovely lodger who is consistent with payments that you "rely on".

She has asked to stay for a few nights next week as she is working in London. She’ll be on a fold up bed in the sitting room. We will try and have a conversation with her about all of this. The last time she stayed over she wanted me to watch a film with her about a woman who dies of cancer. When I said I didn’t want to she said “it’s not about you” and wasn’t able to connect how it would make me feel with stage 3 cancer.

With an IVA she may find it difficult to pass a credit check for renting a flat, although a house share might be different. I agree offering her some financial help with a new place seems a good compromise. If you do decide to let her have the annex then I'd not give her access to the main house or a key to your house (even if you have t seal a connecting dorr off). Wha ode your DH think? I can understand why your DS doesn't want choas back in his life but it's a hard one because she is your DC too and is obvioulsy troubled.

You call her a drama queen

You have a nice, polite lodger who is happily settled and whom you are considering evicting, even though you are quite clearly aware that this will result in extreme unpleasantness for the whole family.

I'd say you must really enjoy the drama to be even thinking about this.

You probably won't like this but narcissistic personality disorder is most likely caused by parents through neglect, emotionally, physically, various types of abuse.
Have you tried family therapy? Maybe you could tell her that in order to move back she would need to complete family therapy with you and your relationship would need to improve first.
I'm sure you want to improve your relationship with her and for her to be happy and less self destructive. Maybe discussing this with a therapist would help her and you also to understand why she is behaving this way.

So I will have to make our very nice, quiet lodger homeless in exchange for our narcissistic daughter who may decide after a week or so she doesn’t want to live here any more because we are such horrible parents

You don't have to do this.

My daughter has EUPD (BPD) and this behaviour sounds very familiar.

Living with her was truly horrendous until we got a diagnosis and therapy/medication. As you say, you name it, she did it. Unmedicated she's very quick to anger, will turn on a person in a truly vicious way, has a lot of risk taking behaviour and has very low inhibitions.

They have a real fear of abandonment but their behaviour ends up pushing people away, resulting in more hurt and 'bad' behaviour.

@Yespresh

She has asked to stay for a few nights next week as she is working in London. She’ll be on a fold up bed in the sitting room. We will try and have a conversation with her about all of this. The last time she stayed over she wanted me to watch a film with her about a woman who dies of cancer. When I said I didn’t want to she said “it’s not about you” and wasn’t able to connect how it would make me feel with stage 3 cancer.

What would happen if you said "show some bloody empathy" and left the room?

Please don't hand her the power to make your lives a nightmare again Op.

If your dd is financially struggling she needs to do what any adult has to do, reconsider her career options, take on additional work, see if she is eligible for support from the government etc. You allowing her back into your home shouldn't be an option. She doesn't even like you.

As said upthread, the person you call a lodger is actually a tenant as they have self contained accommodation, this means they have rights. Please don't get rid of them to allow trouble back in your lives.

@Yespresh

She has asked to stay for a few nights next week as she is working in London. She’ll be on a fold up bed in the sitting room. We will try and have a conversation with her about all of this. The last time she stayed over she wanted me to watch a film with her about a woman who dies of cancer. When I said I didn’t want to she said “it’s not about you” and wasn’t able to connect how it would make me feel with stage 3 cancer.

You should not even allow this. She is manipulating you. You know talking to her will not work. She’s old enough to sort herself out. It’s not like she’s homeless or has no money. Plus she’s an adult. She’s guilt tripping you into this. Next thing you know your whole household will be upended, lodger gone and your life hell.

Let her move to London! On her own of course.

Sounds like an ideal solution to give you some peace.

@AfterSchoolWorry

You have one Neuro divergent child.

Neuro divergency in women is often mistaken for personality/mood disorders.

Those are far more likely than narcissism tbh.

That’s my thought too. Some of her behaviours match ASD..... The rudeness/bluntness and not understanding how it’s rude so defending themselves when called out on it and having no concept of how their words can hurt feelings.

Vulnerable to drugs/unsuitable relationships

Inability to independently do adult activities like planning a career so lurch from one pipe dream to another.

Unable to understand social cues or etiquette so has no idea that cards/calls/support is just what you do when a family member is ill.

She changed at around 14/15.

Mine changed later. She's in her 20s now and has been diagnosed with ADHD and BPD - she masked most of it pretty well and i am furious with myself for not knowing that she needed help.

Perhaps you can support your DD without letting her move back?

Good grief. Can we cut out the amateur psychology? You’ve never even met this young woman.All you have is a few paragraphs of info from her mum, yet in the space of less than 100 replies she’s been diagnosed with BPD, NPD (which doesn’t even exist as a disorder in DSM6), sociopathy, psychopathy and ASD. Getting diagnoses for such serious conditions is a long and difficult process, and delivered by psychiatrists and psychologists and other mental health professionals, not Sandra from Mumsnet who read about it in the Daily Fail and whose friend’s cat’s vet was a bit like that too.

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what she is or isn’t. What is important is that she will make family life unpleasant and even dangerous if she moves back home. I can’t imagine for one second that she will be interested in counselling (and besides, there’s no point in doing that if there’s an underlying condition because all you’re doing is treating the symptoms not the causes).

OP, just tell her the lodger has a contract and is going nowhere - then offer to help, though if she has an IVA, be careful about what you agree to.

she hasn't been "diagnosed" with anything. PP have, not without reason, pointed out that there is already a non NT person in the family, that it does run in families and that - and this is HUGELY important - in girls things often present differently.

It would be utterly shit for the DD to find out that she has the same ND things as her brother, who is looked after, lives at home and has the full and unequivocal support of his family while she was basically ignored because she didn't engage with GPs etc (which is something that needed much more support at the time)

She’s a adult, I would tell her she can’t move in as someone else is living in the annex, it would be unfair to kick them out and it would mean you won’t be getting the rent (I’m guessing she’s not planning on paying rent). She’s old enough to sort her own accommodation out and if she’s working she can afford to live somewhere else.

Absolutely no, do not let her move back in.

Perhaps look at it this way- I think you will be able to better support her if she isn’t living with you. If she were to live with you, you would quickly become worn down by all the drama and abuse, and you would be stuck in firefighting mode.

Basically, letting her move back isn’t what is best for her !

Best of luck - this sounds like a difficult situation to manage.

I agree that it sounds as though there may be neurodiversity and/or mental health issues at play here.
I think you do need to keep firm boundaries in place but that you could also do with shifting how you think and speak about your dd. Her behaviour sounds very challenging but it really sounds like you dislike her, describing her as a 'drama queen' whilst you acknowledge that she struggled with her mental health as a teen. Do you think those problems just magically disappeared?
You can't force her to seek help but your relationship might improve if you challenge yourself to view her with a bit more empathy and understanding.

Her behaviour sounds horrendous.
It could be due to underlying issues that haven't been diagnosed, especially as spectrum conditions can run in families, so she could also be diagnosable, by a professional who recognises the differences between male and female presentation.

But at the moment, your issue is that you do not want her there because her behaviour to you in the past has been bordering on cruel, however "unmeaning" it was. And you would be throwing out a lodger for your daughter who could be gone again in a week or 2.

My first impulse would be to say No to her having the annexe back. Put her up in the house for a few nights but leave the lodger out of it - that's non-negotiable.

I would also put a few conditions in place - that she's not to do certain things while at your home, including drugs, stealing from you, any risky or illegal behaviour - and that she should be polite, or at least civil! to you all while there.

It's your DS's home too and he has some kind of right to expect that his home and world will not be turned upside down by her cycloning in and out again.

Beyond that, well, there's not much you can do now she's an adult. You can suggest, guide, offer - but you can't MAKE her do anything.

She sounds ghastly.

I would keep the lovely lodger.

Definitely keep the lovely lodger. Whether she has psychological issues or not is irrelevant, her moving back in will make your family's life hell.

And it doesn't sound like she will engage with help for any issues that she has anyway.