Alcohol provided by parent at a party for fifteen year olds !?!?!?

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dd has arranged to be at a Halloween party sleepover this Saturday with friend group at one friends home with said friends mum hosting and present

No idea which or whom of any other adults will be there . I’m assuming so based on the text I have now had

Of course I said yes initially , however by chance I have found out that alcohol is intended to be available for kids allowed to drink !!! This does not sit well with me at someone else’s house that I was never told about

Beqr in mind I was only told because I found out by chance ( friend group Mum text me and said so are you allowing dd to have a couple of drinks at this party? I said what the hell I knew nothing about this , and she’s filled me in . Her daughter told her said host is getting some drinks in for those allowed )

I then asked my dd about this and following discussion and attitude resulted in my confer and said she can go but no sleepover and will be picked up … cue the text from host parent

Host has now text me because I have said I’m not comfortable with my daughter going if alcohol is planned in to a party for under sixteens . Bear in mind this was not told to ANY friend group parents when initially arranged over a month ago and it seems I’ve only been messaged because I’ve found this out

I don’t really like this and it doesn’t sit well with me any of it

plus my daughter knew this information and didn’t tell me

Dd has never drank obviously , it’s not allowed in our house to be drinking under college age and she isn’t interested in alcohol but we know that can change around peer pressure and when you aren’t around

I just aren’t comfortable with my child being in supervision of someone who would let kids have alcohol without their own parent there or even having been in knowledge of it

parent has said herself there is a small amount of alcohol available for those able to have it

just blows my mind why would you buy alcohol for other peoples kids ? There’s no need to do that for fifteen year olds they don’t need alcohol at a girls Halloween party

I also don’t know which other adults would be there with teens being allowed alcohol some of them having never drank ever this just makes me feel sick

I am now very against my child sleeping over and have said she can go but be picked up at nine or ten and that’s the compromise now

I feel trust needs to be built and I’ve for very uncomfortable gut feelings I just would not even dream of making alcohol available for other peoples kids end of.

it’s caused a massive row last night, daughter contacting her dad to get him to allow her to sleep over and pick her up ( we are separated ) and so clearly whether I like it or not I’m just going to be ignored

please can other parents give me their input

I’m new to this as a first time teen mom

Thankyou ❤️

We absolutely know from the research on alcohol misuse that teens who are allowed to experiment with alcohol in the home are more likely to become adults with alcohol misuse disorders.

Realistically, I think a lot of this comes from parents who have a problematic relationship with alcohol wanting to normalise it so they can carry on drinking as they are. In the homes where I’ve seen it, the parents definitely have a drinking problem - and I say this as someone who is a recovering alcoholic, I can spot someone with a drinking problem a mile off.

I wouldn’t be happy with it, no. I have had my dd offered alcohol at a sleepover at 12 (yes, 12!!). How I handled it would depend on how much I trusted the parent. If I knew them well and felt they were trustworthy, I’d possibly consider the sleepover. But they aren’t exactly proving themselves very trustworthy, are they?

I think I would band together with the other parents and have a very strong word with them about the girls not going or not staying over and make sure the word got across that drinking wouldn’t be tolerated. How are they going to police who is drinking and allowed and who isn’t? It sounds a recipe for disaster. My guess is these parents will be drinking heavily and not paying any attention after drink number 2. 🙄

I was part of the orchestra/aiming for Oxbridge or Med school crowd and pretty much all our parents were wealthy professionals and we rotated around houses for house parties where parents would have bought crates of beer

Plus I always chuckle at the naivety of parents who think that just because they've laid on a few lagers people won't still bring vodka.

This every single time!

None of my friends had parents that would let us do this. So we would go into the woods or on a field. Often if you didn't want to go home early you would lie and say you were staying at a friend's house and then just stay out all night. There were always creepy older boys who would buy alcohol and had either a moped or a saxo. Such a different time!

Yep, the poshest school in my (also quite affluent - although I live in the cheapest bit!) area is known to be the worst for drugs.

Regarding the first paragraph, not necessarily at all. I never drank at that age or smoked/vaped, some teens are just not interested in all that.

I wouldn’t buy alcohol for other people’s kids if the parents were against it, but personally I’d rather my 15 year old drink around other adults openly than in secret. Teenagers find away to access alcohol one way or another.

I think by being too strict you may make it more appealing to your daughter. My 16 year old is allowed 2/3 glasses with us occasionally

It was definitely the norm when I was growing up in the 70s but often from an earlier age than 15. There was much more of a pub culture in those days too, and most house parties would start off in the pub amd then move to the house at closing time. It was just the same with house parties when my daughter was in her early/mid teens in the late 2000s. Drugs of all kinds were very widely and easily available in my teens, and when my daughter was a teen. I don’t think I knew anyone who hadn’t had a drink or at least tried cannabis by the time I left school - either at my grammar school or friends at the local comprehensives.

That's the thing though - some teens just aren't. My 17-year-old doesn't like alcohol, wouldn't vape or go near drugs, and doesn't even swear! God knows where he came from as I am quite liberal and was the complete opposite at his age! I do think, from my own experience though, that strict parents make sneaky kids. I had a strict stepdad and completely rebelled. My kids don't have any reason to rebel though!

I wouldn’t personally but if I was going to I would tell parents.
My DD is now an adult but when she was 15/16 we let her drink in the house a bit (nothing that exciting, fruity ciders really and she wasn’t that fussed and tbf it was lockdown!). When she was 18 we had a party in the garden just for close friends; as she was turning 18 first of her friends I did the parents the courtesy of letting them know there would be alcohol there and it was up to their daughters if they drank it (all 17 nearly 18). I wouldn’t have provided it at 15 though, not worth the hassle. Even in my example one girl was sick everywhere!

I remember when I was a kid, say 14, going to house parties and my mum (as did lots of other parents) would get me a bottle of woodpecker cider to take. Now if I had asked her to get me wine or spirits it would have been a big fat no but for some reason cider was acceptable.

When my son turned 15 he had a few friends over and asked me if they could have a bit of alcohol. I messaged each parent asking for permission and vetted what they had. One of his friends turned up with Sours or whatever it's called but I didn't allow that. It was under strict supervision though and I think I sucked the fun out of it as I kept making them walk in straight lines in the kitchen. My DS is now 24, doesn't drink at all, and personally I feel I handled that in exactly the right way.

I wouldn't provide alcohol myself but realistically there is always alcohol at teenage parties, whether it is provided or not. It doesn't need to mean that she can't go. You're punishing her for something that she hasn't done.

This is why our parents used to let us. They knew we were safer a house party with sober parents supervising than in a park /nightclub/pub

Mumsnet does make me giggle. It seems all these mumsnet posters have saintly teens....... where do the saintly teens hang out??? Or is it more likely that they are sneaky teens.... ? Who knows.

They are 15 and supervised by adults, I dont see the problem. When I was 14 my Dad accidently bought vodka instead of smirnoff ice for my birthday party....now my parents were viewed as the 'bad parents' for a while but we all got over it! Ive been very straight laced my whole life, never touched a drug or smoked and I put it down to my parents trusting me and letting me experiment with alcohol etc as a teen...better to be supervised than sneaking off to the local park! Oh and my parents were by no means 'chavs'

Pretty normal in year 11, to let them have a bit of alcohol. A couple of beers or cider.
I went to pub for my sixteenth in the nineties!

I’m curious how you manage to get your teens to stop at 2/3 drinks at a party? Or do you think they have more and just hide it?

I have friends saying their 15 year olds have been at a party and they took 3 drinks with them, some seem to deal well with the 3 drinks, others less so. I do think its almost like they are 'learning' how to party and if the parent in charge is responsible (and I don't think this parent has covered themselves in glory here) then its a good way for them to learn how to socialise safely.

That said, my 15 year old and his friends don't really go to parties yet and maybe my attitude will change if/when that starts for him/them.

Can you provide links to the research you mention?

My 15 year old son is also going to a Halloween party on Saturday, where there will be some alcohol available.
To be fair he told me about it upfront, and hasn’t tried to hide it. I have told him that it’s ok for him to have a drink if he wants one, but have asked that he sticks to either lager or cider and stays away from spirits for his first party. As far as I know the parents will be present at the party, and OH will be picking him up, time tbc.
My view is he will be 16 in January, is a sensible lad and generally tells me what he’s up to (obvs I’m not naive to think i know everything!) but I do trust him to be honest with me.
I also remember being 15 and spending my Friday evenings either at the local pub or in the park with my mates and a bottle of Strongbow cider.

You can't control it ultimately but I only buy her 3 to take and I then trust her to make the right call. If she betrays my trust she knows that next time there is a party she won't be going. It's a fine line and a balance and I don't for one minute think that my DSD wouldn't push the boundaries if the mood took her but in all honesty I think you will find that most teens don't actually like alcohol and it is simply more of a peer pressure/fitting in etc type situation. My DSD will be allowed to have a glass of wine or fizz with her Christmas Dinner and maybe a pre mixed bottle or can later in the evening on Christmas Day too. She also has the odd cocktail whilst on holiday with us.

I think it seems young, but is the norm from 16/17+ in my experience (sixth form age).

Absolutely. I was going to say the exact same thing.

She was secretive because she knows it’s wrong and then she went whinging to daddy because she couldn’t get her own way. I’d be talking to her about that.

Why do 15 year olds need bloody alcohol at a Halloween party anyway?

Also I was never bought alcohol by my parents as a teen, just went to pubs illegally from about 14/asked random people to buy us booze. We got drunk all the time from 14 onwards and my parents mostly didn't know! So all these saintly teens on here may well be sneaking around, but I also think teens drink less these days.

No problem with this! Rather this than getting pissed in the park like I did at that age.