Alcohol provided by parent at a party for fifteen year olds !?!?!?

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dd has arranged to be at a Halloween party sleepover this Saturday with friend group at one friends home with said friends mum hosting and present

No idea which or whom of any other adults will be there . I’m assuming so based on the text I have now had

Of course I said yes initially , however by chance I have found out that alcohol is intended to be available for kids allowed to drink !!! This does not sit well with me at someone else’s house that I was never told about

Beqr in mind I was only told because I found out by chance ( friend group Mum text me and said so are you allowing dd to have a couple of drinks at this party? I said what the hell I knew nothing about this , and she’s filled me in . Her daughter told her said host is getting some drinks in for those allowed )

I then asked my dd about this and following discussion and attitude resulted in my confer and said she can go but no sleepover and will be picked up … cue the text from host parent

Host has now text me because I have said I’m not comfortable with my daughter going if alcohol is planned in to a party for under sixteens . Bear in mind this was not told to ANY friend group parents when initially arranged over a month ago and it seems I’ve only been messaged because I’ve found this out

I don’t really like this and it doesn’t sit well with me any of it

plus my daughter knew this information and didn’t tell me

Dd has never drank obviously , it’s not allowed in our house to be drinking under college age and she isn’t interested in alcohol but we know that can change around peer pressure and when you aren’t around

I just aren’t comfortable with my child being in supervision of someone who would let kids have alcohol without their own parent there or even having been in knowledge of it

parent has said herself there is a small amount of alcohol available for those able to have it

just blows my mind why would you buy alcohol for other peoples kids ? There’s no need to do that for fifteen year olds they don’t need alcohol at a girls Halloween party

I also don’t know which other adults would be there with teens being allowed alcohol some of them having never drank ever this just makes me feel sick

I am now very against my child sleeping over and have said she can go but be picked up at nine or ten and that’s the compromise now

I feel trust needs to be built and I’ve for very uncomfortable gut feelings I just would not even dream of making alcohol available for other peoples kids end of.

it’s caused a massive row last night, daughter contacting her dad to get him to allow her to sleep over and pick her up ( we are separated ) and so clearly whether I like it or not I’m just going to be ignored

please can other parents give me their input

I’m new to this as a first time teen mom

Thankyou ❤️

I wrote a big long reply which I deleted as I think it was too detailed about our life.

In summary - I have a 14 year old and I have been shocked at some of the attitudes towards alcohol and alcohol use and access from some boys his age and some parents of boys his age. Some parents are very naive about it when their child's the worst of the lot and some think it's funny. I think it's gross at their age.

16 is a v different age and stage and at that point I would be OK with alcohol in a house party with adults in attendance. More so than them drinking goodness knows what in a field or park or beach (this is where every teenager I know who's needed their stomach pumped has been, not a house party).

I have an 18 yo son who's not that into booze so it's not really been something we had to think about so much when he was younger and a step daugher whose drinking and socialising at that age was massively impacted by Covid so is a v different situation.

It's very difficult, I get you OP. Want to protect them forever. You say your daughter has never drunk, I would say that your daughter has never drunk that you know about! Teenagers will find a way to try drinking and smoking/vaping, it's what they do, as you say, peer pressure.

As hard as it is, I would try and get her to develop a healthy attitude to booze - the more you make it taboo, the more likely she's going to go out one day and get smashed and perhaps put herself at risk. A supervised party with a little, (hopefully weak) alcohol isn't going to be too awful imo. She may not even want any or even like the taste.

It’s a tricky one. The problem is, the majority of teens want to rebel in some kind of way. Their brains aren’t wired like adults’! From experience, the teens with the strictest parents tend to be the ones which rebel more and do things behind their parents’ backs. When I was a teen, the one with the parents who had strict curfews and a total alcohol ban was the one getting hold of bottles of vodka and sitting in the local park. The ones with slightly less strict parents were more sensible.

I’d much rather be open and honest with my teens and try to teach them safely. For example, if there’s going to be a party with alcohol I’d explain that it would be more sensible to stick with a small number of pre mixed cocktail cans/beer rather than start experimenting with spirits and shots which is not likely to end well. Having said that, I’d want to know how big a party was before I agreed to a sleepover. I wouldn’t be happy with a large party where lots of boys and girls (some who are likely to end up very drunk) are sleeping over together. I’d make sure my child knew they could phone me at any time (even the middle of the night) if they felt they wanted to come home and I’d go and fetch them.

My 15-year-old told me she's going to a Hallowe'en party where there will be alcohol and can she take some. I am going to get her a couple of cans of those mixed cocktails that are about 5%. I'd rather she had those than some vodka someone brought that they all drink too much of because they don't know how to drink and then are really ill (which recently happened to my 16-year-old nephew who ended up in A&E). I personally think it's best to be realistic - teens are going to drink, so try and get them to be relatively sensible about it.

Completely agree.

I’m shocked at the posters on this thread happily giving their 15yos alcohol on the premise that if they didn’t they’d be pissed out their brains under a park bench otherwise. From experience, the earlier you try drink the earlier you start drinking, end of.

In saying that, I would let her go to the sleepover as she will feel being left out really acutely. And 15 is such a hard age. Have another sit down with her and explain how you feel about the parent not saying anything and that it concerns you. Speak to her like a grown up. Say she can ring you any time if she gets uncomfortable (kids or adults getting pissed) and wants to come home. Do you know her friends well? Have you heard of them drinking before? Is a parent party happening alongside?

There’s a lot of drinking at parties in the ‘chav’ groups at my DD school (her words not mine) - not my DD groups. They are quite ‘square’ I guess. For now.

@GeorgeMichaelsCat absolutely, it isn't about being a "cool mum" it is navigating the balance of keeping dialogue open while letting your teen navigate risk and more "adult decisions" in a supervised environment.

Research suggests that the whole forbidden fruit thing is a bit of a myth, and delayed onset of drinking is a better predictor of safer drinking habits as an adult - summary here: https://www.bbc.co.uk/future/article/20240228-how-alcohol-affects-teens-and-young-adults-brains

Plus I always chuckle at the naivety of parents who think that just because they've laid on a few lagers people won't still bring vodka.

I don't prevent my child from going to parties where I know there will be alcohol, and obviously I cant guarantee that they don't partake, but I don't think it's desirable and I can't see any benefit in facilitating it.

Also - discuss a coded get out phrase - something they know they can say in front of others and you will come and get them, wherever/whenever/whatever. Eg: how’s grandpa? (Dc can pretend has been unwell). Or how is xxxx (pet that has already died) or call you a different name.

I wish this was in AIBU, you’d have your answer clear as day then.

A couple of drinks (likely alcopops) aren’t going to do any harm, she is in a safe environment. If you wait until college for her to have her first drink it could result in a disaster where she gets a bottle of vodka and doesn’t realise where her stopping point is.

I would also be worried about making her a social pariah, she doesn’t need to lose friends because nobody wants to invite the baby whose parent picks them up at 9pm

My kids go to grammar schools with a low 'chav' intake and loads of the kids aren't just drinking by 15/16 but also doing drugs. I'm more worried about that tbh.

Everyone’s experience is different. Drugs cost more money than a bottle of cider so that tracks.

I agree with you about adequately preparing your child for adult life which may include them drinking alcohol but there are better ways to address this than at an arms length party with a lot of unknowns re other adults/type of alcohol present.

Waiting until the year before they go to uni would be preferable, when they are older and their organs more mature.

I stand by scummy parenting - buying your kid fruity cider etc aged 15 is damaging and you are enabling them to be vulnerable

The message sent is - I’m allowed to do this in this situation so why not others? Drinking elsewhere which may not be supervised and place them at risk. Some teens are going to push those boundaries. While the risk of being drugged/assaulted is small the consequences are huge and it’s not one I would want my teen exposed to by the message that drinking alcohol is ok at aged 15.

Just because something happens a lot does not make it right.

@JimmyGreavesMoustache I have to disagree that this article is entirely correct. Its just a classic piece of public health stylee scaremongering that cherry-picks data to push a narrative.

For one, the whole "gas pedal without brakes" analogy is a massive oversimplification that most modern neuroscientists actually reject. The article also completely trips over itself with a classic chicken-and-egg problem: it claims alcohol causes stunted brain growth and impulsivity, but there aren't actually any studies that have managed to prove that.

It's just as likely that teens who already have naturally higher impulsivity or different brain wiring are the ones seeking out alcohol in the first place. Plus, it’s pretty dishonest to take terrifying data from studies on chronic, severe alcoholics and apply it to a young adult having a blue wkd at a halloween party.

Finally, dismissing the European model and praising a high drinking age completely ignores real-world sociology. Driving drinking underground doesn't stop it; it just forces teens to binge rapidly in dangerous, unsupervised environments where they’re terrified to call 999 if something goes wrong. You can see this in the data from countries with a higher drinking age.

Hate hate hate the word chav. I thought we'd got past it back in the 2000's

anyway I wouldn't mind a couple of alcopops but I would mind not being told about it.

I would personally say no to the sleepover. When My DS was younger he wanted to stay over with a group of friends. I was glad I said no when the supervising mum got drunk and everyone had to be picked up in the early hours.

We’ve regularly had both DS friends over from 15. We would buy a crate of beer for them to share, so it would equate to about 2 cans each to go with their Dominos.

DS is now 16 and they all come with packs of beer themselves (bought by parents) and they get collected by parents at the end of the night.

Being too prissy over alcohol just makes teens secretive about it and they go off the rails when they get a chance. If they want to drink they will.

Are we all forgetting getting steaming down the park on a quarter bottle of Chekov vodka you got some crackhead to buy you outside the corner shop for a fiver, after you’d lied to your mum about staying round your friends house, was standard practice in the 90s.

Kids now are much better behaved than I ever was.

I think your attitude is spot on, @PixiePun .

It was perfectly normal for teenagers to be introduced to alcohol in a measured way when I was growing up, and most of my crowd were. I was allowed wine diluted with soda water with Sunday lunch at about 12 YOA and a weak G&T beforehand at 15. The same approach was adopted with my brother, who is 10 years younger, and he's never been a problem drinker or got into trouble of any kind due to drinking.

None of us went mad on alcohol when we were older, although we did get pissed now and again, and none of us ended up in hospital or a police cell through drinking or had to have our parents called to take us home.

Not allowing kids to find their limits re alcohol is asking for trouble when they go to college imo. I live near a university city, and won't go near it in the evenings in the first few weeks of the autumn term. A friend who lives in the city reckons "Freshers Week" should be renamed "Puke on Pavements Week".

@Wisefishswimpast if someone's parenting is so bad that their teen can't understand "I'm allowed to do this in this situation so why not others?" then I think you have a different issue on your hands.

Your teen presumably knows it is not ok for example to jump up and down at a funeral but it is fine to do at a trampoline park.

Perhaps if your (or anyone's) teens are too immature to understand different places have different expectations then banning alcohol entirely is sensible.

Learning how to navigate these situations is part of becoming an adult, 15 is a perfectly normal time for them to take an interest in social drinking.

Oh dear.

I don’t know where they get/got the word ‘chav’ - it is a very quaint term! I hadn’t heard it since the late 80s early 90s - when she first used it.

I am not getting into the rights /wrongs but wasn't this totally normal when we were growing up?
I spent all my teenage weekends at house parties where the parents had bought alcohol for the teens....and this was in a very MC /affluent area. I think the parents saw it as infinitely preferable to us going out clubbing and so did we. I felt safe at house parties. Whereas clubs and pubs were full of lecherous and gropey older men

This.

Same here in what’s considered a pretty affluent area.

Agree, when I was at university the drug taking crowd were the ones who had gone to private school/boarding school and their tales were outrageous. This included people who had gone to many of the elite public schools.

@MargotLeadbetterOBE Chav was still very much in use when I was secondary school in the mid 00s
I wouldn't say teen drinking is a chav thing though, the emo and goth kids were just as likely to get pissed as the helly hanson slick back side pony girls