Alcohol provided by parent at a party for fifteen year olds !?!?!?

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dd has arranged to be at a Halloween party sleepover this Saturday with friend group at one friends home with said friends mum hosting and present

No idea which or whom of any other adults will be there . I’m assuming so based on the text I have now had

Of course I said yes initially , however by chance I have found out that alcohol is intended to be available for kids allowed to drink !!! This does not sit well with me at someone else’s house that I was never told about

Beqr in mind I was only told because I found out by chance ( friend group Mum text me and said so are you allowing dd to have a couple of drinks at this party? I said what the hell I knew nothing about this , and she’s filled me in . Her daughter told her said host is getting some drinks in for those allowed )

I then asked my dd about this and following discussion and attitude resulted in my confer and said she can go but no sleepover and will be picked up … cue the text from host parent

Host has now text me because I have said I’m not comfortable with my daughter going if alcohol is planned in to a party for under sixteens . Bear in mind this was not told to ANY friend group parents when initially arranged over a month ago and it seems I’ve only been messaged because I’ve found this out

I don’t really like this and it doesn’t sit well with me any of it

plus my daughter knew this information and didn’t tell me

Dd has never drank obviously , it’s not allowed in our house to be drinking under college age and she isn’t interested in alcohol but we know that can change around peer pressure and when you aren’t around

I just aren’t comfortable with my child being in supervision of someone who would let kids have alcohol without their own parent there or even having been in knowledge of it

parent has said herself there is a small amount of alcohol available for those able to have it

just blows my mind why would you buy alcohol for other peoples kids ? There’s no need to do that for fifteen year olds they don’t need alcohol at a girls Halloween party

I also don’t know which other adults would be there with teens being allowed alcohol some of them having never drank ever this just makes me feel sick

I am now very against my child sleeping over and have said she can go but be picked up at nine or ten and that’s the compromise now

I feel trust needs to be built and I’ve for very uncomfortable gut feelings I just would not even dream of making alcohol available for other peoples kids end of.

it’s caused a massive row last night, daughter contacting her dad to get him to allow her to sleep over and pick her up ( we are separated ) and so clearly whether I like it or not I’m just going to be ignored

please can other parents give me their input

I’m new to this as a first time teen mom

Thankyou ❤️

Alcohol is a drug and an illegal one for anyone under the age of 18.

I think it depends. A couple of glasses of beer or cider at under supervision ok. Spirits no way. I do think the host family are very brave!

I genuinely don't think my (just) 17 year old has ever been given alcohol at a party, I think I would have smelled it (no sleepovers that I can recall). Now her friends are turning 18 I do expect it to happen and just encourage her to be sensible. We do give her a small glass of wine at home at certain times or she has had cider with a meal. I wouldn't supply alcohol to anyone's 15 year old under any circumstances. And I don't agree that they're all drinking in parks at that age. Neither of mine have done this.

You are exposing yourself to legal risk here. I’d seriously rethink. If a child becomes ill a parent could sue you for any injury/harm or bring other legal proceedings. It isn’t something to be done lightly at all. And there is no way for you to prove that the illness is from the vodka not the cider you bought.

it’s really not for you to buy alcohol for other people’s kids but even selfishly it’s a dangerous move.

Can I ask why you bought them alcohol ? Had your daughter asked you to ? I'm genuinely curious about the reasons parents buy alcohol for their DC.

I think from the language used, the OP is American where the legal age for drinking is 21.

I see plenty of youngsters of 15/16 drinking after their Junior Cert results here in Ireland and it’s largely condoned by the parents. However, I wouldn’t dream of providing alcohol at a sleepover for other peoples kids. I think that’s the height of irresponsible behaviour.

I know DS doesn’t drink as he’s autistic and has quite rigid thinking about such matters. He gets very annoyed when his friends smoke or drink after a music gig.

I’ve just had the same thing, my DD13 said her friends mum will get a mixed cocktail for them to share if she’s allowed it!! Obviously I said she’s not allowed it and DD was ok with that because she knows my stance on it anyway. I suppose at least the mum in my case asked beforehand but why would anyone consider giving 13 year olds drink?!?!

I would let her stay later. Are we sure it will be a girl only sleepover? I think my main issue with other kids having drank alcohol is that it may not be a very safe space.

i fundamentally disagree with children that age drinking. I find the ‘they’ll do it anyway’ and ‘it’s safer that way’ ideas nonsense. Thankfully nobody has mentioned France yet. In cultures like France, where the norm is drinking moderately with meals, then teenagers introduced to the culture drink moderately at meals. In a drinking culture like the UK where people binge drink, there is no evidence that introduction alcohol earlier does anything but encourage them binge drinking earlier. Every single friend I had as a teen whose parents let them drink ended up a much heavier drinker as an adult.

i wouldn’t allow this, BUT - I would be cautious about turning it into a big fight. I think you should sit her down again and talk to her. Ask why she was so adamant you not be told. Explain why you don’t want her drinking full stop, and particularly lying about it.

i would be tempted to maybe let her sleep over if she can commit to no alcohol, if not I’d be picking her up around midnight, not nine. If you do this I’d emphasise the issue is she lied/misled.

i was a teen who didn’t drink partly because I didn’t want to, partly because my parents would have killed me, but I was allowed go to parties where others were drinking and I even hung out in pubs at sixteen/seventeen, genuinely drinking soft drinks.

The one time I nearly rebelled was when my mother tried to stop me having a sip of champagne at a family wedding when I was sixteen. I think your approach is correct, but at this age you have to get her on side as much as possible. The worst of all worlds is her ending up in a drunk unsafe environment feeling unable to call you.

That’s not the win you think it is.
’Its normal for 15 year olds to get pissed’ 🤣

Newsflash: you can't stop teens having sex if they decide to do that. Its your job to explain and teach them about it but they still might. So if you think they will then yes, condoms would be helpful.

Drugs - well, I'm an adult and I never done drugs, and I hope my kids never will, too. We talk about it a lot though and they are aware what is what.

In the end of the day you need to raise them right and have realistic expectations. They will try alcohol and sex at some point, and you as a parent need to make sure they are safe, not pretend they will never encounter it.

dd and her friends planned the whole party to be honest. Including things like banners and balloons and dd asked for some alcohol. I would much rather agree to supply a few WKD’s rather than one or more of the girls to smuggle in some vodka. Which I think would have happened otherwise. They were all sensible, I was in the house and like I say the most popular drink was the fizzy J20’s.
perhaps I remember my own teen years too well of getting older teenagers and even adults to buy cider and vodka, drinking them with ‘mates’ in remote locations so not to be seen and getting myself into some pretty awful situations, especially sexual ones. I don’t want that for my dd or her friends.

The type of alcohol doesn't matter. They are 15, well under drinking age. I'd be furious 😡. I'd probably let her go though after a long talk because I wouldn't penalize my daughter another parent's poor choices

Just for info, it’s completely legal for a 16 year old to have an alcoholic drink (not spirits) in licensed premises, with a meal, if an 18+ is accompanying.

Agree with the pragmatic posts here. I would add that our expectation when ours were that age were that if they were mature enough to have a cider or whatever, then they were mature enough to tell us that was the plan and participate in a chat about the balance between having fun and looking after yourself.

It’s more nuanced than that.

The law is obviously not the only consideration here, but serving alcohol to 15 yr olds at a private party is legal.

Yes, and to drink at home from the age of five.

Weird but true.

I don't think I would allow my child to go. For a start, the mother/parent only says she will be there supervising, I am not sure that can necessarily be trusted - but accept that is just my experience when I was a teenager and at one party my DS went to where the parents left the children to their own devices and went out for dinner.

But, alcohol and sleepovers don't mix. Never mind the risk of overdoing t (and hopefully getting away with nothing more serious than a hangover) but I would be concerned about sexual activity that isn't necessarily consensual.

I’d never serve booze to 15yos. What if something terrible happened (e.g. a kid choked on their own vomit or had an accident).

So, I’d feel uncomfortable allowing my 15yo to sleep over at a party where the parent was allowing that. What other risks do they take? If my DC really wanted to go, I’d probably compromise and pick them up about 11-12pm. Then, if they’ve had a drink, you can keep an eye on them.

And I’ve partied hard throughout my life, from about 15yo. Luckily, my DC didn’t go to house parties at that age and weren’t bothered about booze, though they prob smoked occasionally.

It’s perfectly legal for 15 year olds to have a supervised drink at a house party. My personal view is if you restrict so much it has the potential to cause more harm down the line. Would you prefer she succumbs to peer pressure in a park unsupervised where she could end up in a drunken stupor or alone at uni where she has no idea of her limits? I actually think it’s irresponsible not ti introduce alcohol before 18, legal and with zero experience or knowledge of their own limits could be far more dangerous.

What year are they in? By the year 11 16th birthday parties, a bit of alcohol was the norm. I would prefer them to drink a couple of alcopops if they want (around 5%) than smuggle in bottles of vodka. DC1 went to a party in year 10 where one boy had brought 4 bottles of vodka between about 15 of them and there was much puking everywhere. Dc1 and a few others weren't drinking and didn't have a very enjoyable time looking after their friends. So when they did want to drink a little in y11, we talked over what we felt comfortable with.
I think once they're 16 and over, they're easily able to buy it illegally so I'd prefer to provide a small amount. We worked out as 2 cans per person at DC1's 16th and there was some left over. But they told their friends there was a strict no drinks brought in policy.
Once they get to y12 and above it seems very difficult to control.

What you need to avoid is a situation where your daughter gets in a pickle (which teenagers do) and then feels she can’t call you for help because she thinks you will be angry / disapprove.

It sounds like quite a normal party for teens to me, and it sounds like the reason you didn’t know about alcohol was because your dd knew you would say no. I would let her go and pick her up at 10.30 / 11.

What you really want to avoid is a situation where she goes anyway, without your permission gets pissed and then feels unable to come home, much better she goes with your blessing and some guidelines.

It wouldn't even occur to the 15 yr olds I know to want alcohol, nevermind sneak it. Blatantly offering it without parents knowing is insane behaviour.
And possibly illegal (I don't know UK law, it's illegal here)

I think it depends on your child. My DD is very sensible and attended a Halloween party last year at age 15 that involved alcohol. She was absolutely fine. Only one girl overindulged and was sick but the other 25 ish were fine as they were sensible

DD3 is 16.5 and in 6th form. The parties she goes to involve alcohol, let’s be honest. And if she has a party I will give them a few drinks, something fairly low %. It’s something we discuss with other parents too. It needs to be done with consent of other parents, however at bigger parties you just have to know it’s going to happen, the parents have no clue who is coming. I trust my DD to be sensible. I would not like her to be excluded from having fun at this age.

An acquaintance of mine was telling me she let her DD have a party for her friends and she (the Mum) had got some alcohol in for them. I was quite surprised. I have 14 and 16 year olds and would never offer alcohol to their friends, nor have they been offered alcohol at anyone else's house. They are not very social though and don't mix with very big groups.