Alcohol provided by parent at a party for fifteen year olds !?!?!?

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dd has arranged to be at a Halloween party sleepover this Saturday with friend group at one friends home with said friends mum hosting and present

No idea which or whom of any other adults will be there . I’m assuming so based on the text I have now had

Of course I said yes initially , however by chance I have found out that alcohol is intended to be available for kids allowed to drink !!! This does not sit well with me at someone else’s house that I was never told about

Beqr in mind I was only told because I found out by chance ( friend group Mum text me and said so are you allowing dd to have a couple of drinks at this party? I said what the hell I knew nothing about this , and she’s filled me in . Her daughter told her said host is getting some drinks in for those allowed )

I then asked my dd about this and following discussion and attitude resulted in my confer and said she can go but no sleepover and will be picked up … cue the text from host parent

Host has now text me because I have said I’m not comfortable with my daughter going if alcohol is planned in to a party for under sixteens . Bear in mind this was not told to ANY friend group parents when initially arranged over a month ago and it seems I’ve only been messaged because I’ve found this out

I don’t really like this and it doesn’t sit well with me any of it

plus my daughter knew this information and didn’t tell me

Dd has never drank obviously , it’s not allowed in our house to be drinking under college age and she isn’t interested in alcohol but we know that can change around peer pressure and when you aren’t around

I just aren’t comfortable with my child being in supervision of someone who would let kids have alcohol without their own parent there or even having been in knowledge of it

parent has said herself there is a small amount of alcohol available for those able to have it

just blows my mind why would you buy alcohol for other peoples kids ? There’s no need to do that for fifteen year olds they don’t need alcohol at a girls Halloween party

I also don’t know which other adults would be there with teens being allowed alcohol some of them having never drank ever this just makes me feel sick

I am now very against my child sleeping over and have said she can go but be picked up at nine or ten and that’s the compromise now

I feel trust needs to be built and I’ve for very uncomfortable gut feelings I just would not even dream of making alcohol available for other peoples kids end of.

it’s caused a massive row last night, daughter contacting her dad to get him to allow her to sleep over and pick her up ( we are separated ) and so clearly whether I like it or not I’m just going to be ignored

please can other parents give me their input

I’m new to this as a first time teen mom

Thankyou ❤️

From experience I can tell you right now that they’ll find a way. We hosted a dry birthday party for 16 year olds recently. They kept disappearing and coming back with bottles of cola rather than drink the cans we had provided. The corner shop hadn’t minded selling them vodka (now reported). They just topped up the bottles.

We managed to keep it as sober as we could so no vomiting etc but ultimately we had less control than someone who would have made it clear that (weak) alcohol would have been available which would have meant they wouldn’t have felt the need to go and get their own.

There is actually a modicum of sense in this parental decision although I think there should have been open communication about it.

I wouldnt let her go at all. They hist gas poor judgment and I wouldnt trust her. If your ex allows your daughter to go hes an arsehole. You dont need to like each other but you need to be on ghr same page especially when your daughter is going to be vulnerable.

Thank you. I suppose I have not had to think about this as my DC haven't asked (yet)

Oh god anything could happen to her, she’s 15 and her first experience with alcohol too. Will there be any men there. It would be a firm no. She’ll understand when she’s older but will hate you for now.

also really surprised at the comments here. It’s piss poor parenting, 15 is no age at all.

No, it isn’t illegal for anyone under 18. You don’t have to like it or ‘go along’ with it, but as I said upthread, it’s perfectly legal for a 16 year old to drink alcohol in a pub, as long as it’s with a meal and an accompanying adult. And as a pp pointed out - technically it’s not illegal for children 5+ to be allowed alcohol in a domestic setting.

I'll third this open dialogue and allowing them to prove they are trustworthy. Let them make mistakes without punishing them or let them have natural consequences.

So for my DD it was going to a Rugby match with a killer hangover because she couldn't let her team down.

Mostly though mine have been sensible much more so than my age group was as teens.

I personally wouldn't provide alcohol for 15 year olds although have done for 17 years old, some did start allowing alcohol at around 15.

The problem is if you come down too hard you'll make them hide things they also won't come to you when they have a problem.

I have told all of mine that I will not judge, lecture or punish them for anything they share with me if they have a question or problem just tell me. So far it has worked well. They are also allowed to call me anytime and I will come get them no questions asked.

I think at a teen party I would expect there may be alcohol. Yes it would be better if the parent had contacted you. I would not stop her going, I would probably want to pick her up at the end of the night. However I think you need to trust her. A rule in place 2 drinks only. I would worry by being strict she will go off the rails in a rebellious way. I had strict parents and I try not to be that but they know safety is important.

I’m navigating this with my DD now. It’s so difficult. Alcohol and drugs seem so prevalent everywhere. My parents were the ones who forbade any alcohol and stopped me going to social gatherings like the one is OP is describing. I went off to uni at 18 and literally went mad. Got myself into some very dangerous situations. I look back now and think I’m lucky I escaped relatively unscathed. This is only my experience of course.

OP are you American? In that case this thread makes more sense.

Dramatic

Yep! I’m not there yet but thinking back, I was drinking with friends at age 14. Would probably have done it more responsibly if it was supervised 😅

Sorry I forgot to add ' illegal to buy'. These 15 year olds wouldn't be able to buy this alcohol and bring it to the party so parents supplying it feels like an odd decision.

I think the approach to parenting has to be that they’re not scared to tell you stuff. Your DD clearly knew not to tell you about it, where as her friend obviously felt comfortable with her mum to tell her. That is telling. Your life will be much easier if you encourage openness and giving her some trust, not coming down hard on your DD for telling you things. I would let her go. I like the PP approach of the kids being able to call her to pick them up no questions asked.

I'd add that many things shouldn't be done just because technically they can be done. I wouldn't provide vodka to a 5 year old or a 15 year old even though technically under the law I'm allowed to.

I think you have overreacted OP. Your DD is 15 (and it's likely she has drunk alcohol before now and you just don't know). With my DSD 15 we have been honest and open about it with her since around 13 (she hasn't been drinking since that age but we new some of her peers were) and always instilled in her that if there is alcohol around when she is with her friends then we want to know, explained that we know it's "normal" to them for teens to drink etc but that we don't want her going behind our backs. This has worked for us so far. DSD went to a party not so long ago and she was honest and told us there would be drinking etc and asked if she was allowed, we bought her 3 of the pre mixed cans of cocktail to take. She was in touch with us throughout the night by text and I picked her up at 11pm she had had her cans of cocktail and nothing more. She was laughing at the state of some of the others there, apparently many parents didn't allow them alcohol and as such they got it anyway and were shotting straight vodka etc DSD didn't engage in it and was happy with her 3 little pre mixed cans. She had fun, had no reason to be anxious she would be in trouble and knows the boundaries and not to betray our trust.

By making it forbidden you will only make your DD more curious. Their growing up and need to learn for us we have found our approach to work so far. We have all been 15 and I remember what I was upto at that age. It doesn't make you a chav as other have suggested nor is it bad parenting. It's being realistic and understanding what happens in friendships and peer groups at this age and meeting in the middle somewhere with them.

Whatever your views it’s pretty bullish giving alcohol to other peoples 15 year olds. Aren’t they worried about their own liability? At least if you’ve tried to keep it dry that’s one thing but giving it to them is mental.

YABU I was allowed a small amount of alcohol in my teens, I now don't drink at all and don't miss it.

You’ve said yourself, multiple times, that it was for teenagers whose parents were ok with it. You’re not. Nobody is going to force your daughter and if she’s not interested in alcohol, like you say, then she won’t have any anyway.
Presuming it’s a few fruity ciders and supervising adults in attendance I think it’s very normal and sensible introduction.

I agree and think that teenagers being too scared to be open and honest with their parents is a real concern.

The hosting parent hasn't played this well. It shouldn't be considered so 'no big deal' that the hosting doesn't even think to mention it. I know it happens in some groups, but it isn't legal.

I don't drink (just have much more fun without it) and my teen DDs, although I have usually let them do most things their peers do and in some cases more when I feel they can be trusted, are not interested in alcohol either, seeing drinking as a bit of a sad, losery blokey thing to do. I think it's wrong to assume that most teens will be interested in alcohol and will drink 'anyway' and use this as a reason to suggest OP should soften her stance -DDs wide group of friends just aren't bothered by alcohol, yet enjoy most other aspects of teen life where boundaries are vigorously negotiated. I imagine some might think, looking at them, that they probably drink or vape or worse, being punky grungy looking city kids, but drinking really is not a 'thing' in every teen's circle, and we don't have to introduce it as adults.

I have an 18 and 15 year old and let them take alcohol to parties if that’s what others are doing. I get them 3 low alcohol beers/cider or whatever, not a bottle of vodka!

we’ve let the kids have a drink on special occasions since 24 if they wanted one. It’s not big deal to them now and my eldest was only sick once, at his first party.

my friend was always super strict, in every way. Home by 8, bed by 9 at 15 years old. No alcohol was ever allowed until he was 18. He was always a really good kid, did well at school, revised hard for exams etc, all because that was demanded from his mum. Now he is 18, he is a fucking nightmare to be honest. Stays out partying all night, comes home throwing up, is barely attending university (because that what his mum wanted him to do) and is generally a bit off the rails. Meanwhile, my son, who was always middle of the road, has his moments, allowed alcohol, allowed to stay out a bit later, has never bothered us since turning 18. He has a job, pays his bills and goes out with his mates but is never completely wasted. If we were guessing at one of them going off the rails, it would not have been her son!

It’s possible she hasn’t told you because she knew what your reaction would be. She will perhaps become more sneaky now.
I also wouldn’t buy alcohol for other people’s children but I’m also realistic about teenagers getting their hands on it.

It is very difficult and I had friends that had the same experience as you. I’m glad that from a young age, probably 13, I was allowed a little bit of light alcohol
on special occasions. I never felt the need to go mad. I’m doing the same with my children and a lot of their peers friends have the same idea. Very difficult to know how to navigate.