Alcohol provided by parent at a party for fifteen year olds !?!?!?

[AlertBlueDreamer]

dd has arranged to be at a Halloween party sleepover this Saturday with friend group at one friends home with said friends mum hosting and present

No idea which or whom of any other adults will be there . I’m assuming so based on the text I have now had

Of course I said yes initially , however by chance I have found out that alcohol is intended to be available for kids allowed to drink !!! This does not sit well with me at someone else’s house that I was never told about

Beqr in mind I was only told because I found out by chance ( friend group Mum text me and said so are you allowing dd to have a couple of drinks at this party? I said what the hell I knew nothing about this , and she’s filled me in . Her daughter told her said host is getting some drinks in for those allowed )

I then asked my dd about this and following discussion and attitude resulted in my confer and said she can go but no sleepover and will be picked up … cue the text from host parent

Host has now text me because I have said I’m not comfortable with my daughter going if alcohol is planned in to a party for under sixteens . Bear in mind this was not told to ANY friend group parents when initially arranged over a month ago and it seems I’ve only been messaged because I’ve found this out

I don’t really like this and it doesn’t sit well with me any of it

plus my daughter knew this information and didn’t tell me

Dd has never drank obviously , it’s not allowed in our house to be drinking under college age and she isn’t interested in alcohol but we know that can change around peer pressure and when you aren’t around

I just aren’t comfortable with my child being in supervision of someone who would let kids have alcohol without their own parent there or even having been in knowledge of it

parent has said herself there is a small amount of alcohol available for those able to have it

just blows my mind why would you buy alcohol for other peoples kids ? There’s no need to do that for fifteen year olds they don’t need alcohol at a girls Halloween party

I also don’t know which other adults would be there with teens being allowed alcohol some of them having never drank ever this just makes me feel sick

I am now very against my child sleeping over and have said she can go but be picked up at nine or ten and that’s the compromise now

I feel trust needs to be built and I’ve for very uncomfortable gut feelings I just would not even dream of making alcohol available for other peoples kids end of.

it’s caused a massive row last night, daughter contacting her dad to get him to allow her to sleep over and pick her up ( we are separated ) and so clearly whether I like it or not I’m just going to be ignored

please can other parents give me their input

I’m new to this as a first time teen mom

Thankyou ❤️

These posts are interesting as having a halloween party for 15 year old tonight. Official line that i have text the parents i do know is no drink and parents are home.. ill sit upstairs but go walkabout every now and then and phone a parent if anyone is too drunk as i expect some kids will bring drink or have drunk beforehand..
Tricky business am wondering about why we agreed at all!

I thought I was being clever for DD’s 15th when I spent all day making “cocktails” with a teaspoon of alcohol in each and a pretty umbrella. Not one of them was even sampled.

I agree with this entirely. I think the OP is being incredibly naive to think that her daughter has never tried alcohol at the age of 15.

I understand your pov, but many parents know from previous experience that house parties with 15 yr olds - especially year 11 15yr olds olds - will almost inevitably involve alcohol being brought in by at least some of the attendees, and if it is being done covertly, it makes it all the more appealing. Parents will often view it as the lesser of two evils, to try and pre-empt that by letting it be known that they will provide some ciders or lagers etc. in a supervised setting.

Before I got to the information about the alcohol which is an obvious NO and Inwpild not allow my teen DD to go….

’I don’t know which adults..’ If you don’t know who is going to be there at a sleepover, and don’t know the parents well enough to know then there is NO WAY my child would be sleeping over. Never-mind the alcohol.

The alcohol and unknown adults partying would be a big fat NO. This is an opportunity to teach your DD about judgement re personal safety and boundaries of open communication when it comes to the above.

I wouldn't trust the judgement of any parent buying 15 year olds alcohol, so dd would not be going.

Alcohol under the age of 18 is unacceptable, and the dc know that. Same as underage sex, drugs and punching old women in the face for a tiktok.

Just because other parents allow damaging behaviour, or other teens do it, doesn't mean it is ok. That is an important lesson to learn for a teenager.

I saw the state some of my highschool friends ended up in, some ruined their lives. I'm glad my parents stuck to a clear legal and moral code, so I am doing the same for dc.

The parents that throw their hands up and say 'they'll do it anyway!' are lazy and just want to go with the flow rather than doing what is best for their teenagers.

NO many parents do not know this from experience

I would absolutely not do this without asking parents first. It’s not up to other parents to decide this is an ok thing for someone else’s child at all and I would question their judgement, not about the fact they’re doing what they do with their child, but because they’ve taken a decision to provide alcohol for under age children, who might have other things going on in their lives, medication, mental health, whatever. Not to mention the peer pressure when an actual adult sanctions the drinking. Fine to take this decision for your own, but not other people’s kids. I’m sure your child is trustworthy and you’ve had conversations so it will be fine but I would not trust these parents as far as I could throw them.

I’m talking about the experience of having had older teens hosting and going to parties at a similar age. There are always some guests who will sneak in alcohol.

Is this real? A few bottles of cherry VK and a shared bottle of Lambrini were fairly standard when I was a teen. From about 15 onwards having a few drinks at a party was pretty normal. Usually a BYOB style, but sometimes the hosting parents would buy a bigger bottle of WKD or similar.

Surely making alcohol the forbidden fruit is just going to push teens to do it in a sneaky way. Better to let them experiment with something weaker when there is an adult around than drinking in a field or carpark?

And once again can we stop referring to 15 year olds as children. The infantilisation of the youth does them absolutely no favours!

I’m so surprised by these comments - wondering if it’s a cultural thing? I’m in NZ and alcohol is not on my 15yo’s radar at all. I think kids are a bit more innocent here, allowed to be “young” for longer, plus drinking rates have fallen off a cliff amongst the youth.

I grew up here and it was the same with me and my friends (late starters) although I made up for it when I hit uni years.

When we were 15/16 (yr11) our friend would have parties where there would be alcohol, her mum was always there. I dont think her mum bought it because there was alot of us and who is wasting money on buying alcohol for other people's kids. But we were allowed to take our own and obviously pooled that between kids who's parents knew and those that didn't.

Some questionable things happened there. But we were all safer than the kids getting drunk in a field.

I'd let her go. It's unlikely the mum has bought strong stuff and she isn't going to let them get wankered. Who wants a bunch of teenagers throwing up in their house.

And if it's not you that's going to have to bring her home if she is throwing up. Then everyone can learn a lesson. She's in no danger. The parent isn't going to let her get hurt, not because she cares so much about your child but because she's not going to risk getting in trouble if someone ends up seriously hurt.

My 15 year old was at a friend's house and messaged me to ask if she was allowed a drink and told me the specific drink. The parent checked every girls' phone for the answer before allowing them to have it. It was about half a can of Smirnoff ice each. I was finding with that. I can't imagine this parent is letting them have more than a glass each. In a year's time you'll be in discussions with her over how much alcohol she is allowed for after prom party. And it's better to buy it yourself and make an agreement with her than leave her to get it unsupervised from friends.

Strict parents raise sneaky kids... I think you're finding this out now.

It's the lack of honesty that's the issue rather than the alcohol.
And then the playing one parent off with the other.
Am still quite shocked at people saying oh it's fine, let her go. You are the parent and sometimes have to make tough decisions!

I’m actually quite shocked at how many parents on this thread accept their teens or their teens friends drinking and worse supplying alcohol. It’s really scummy parenting.

It’s illegal and irresponsible. Stop normalising it and making excuses

• Alcohol, even a small amount impairs judgement which teens are still learning to evaluate in social situations.
• Alcohol affects teen organs differently to adults as they are still developing

If I was aware my DD was friends with any the DDs like this I would be intervening.

Agree. I told my daughter very early that her freedom is based on her being trustworthy, and that partly decided how much she could/couldn't do. Thankfully she has been sensible and has friends who are sensible/have sensible parents and alcohol hasn't been part of their idea of a good time.

@Wisefishswimpast I think it is scummy parenting to let someone potentially leave home or go to uni with no lived experience of how alcohol might effect them.
I think it is scummy parenting to be so strict that your teens feel the need to sneak around behind your back and put themselves in an even riskier position.

A few weak drinks at a mates house is a level of risk lots of parents would be comfortable with. Calling it "scummy parenting" is nasty and uncalled for.

Well my daughter went to a hobby-related Christmas party when she was 15 and adults bought cider for her and got her drunk. I wasn’t too happy but she just didn’t go the next year(!)

My 13 year old is autistic so doesn't really socialise much, but I wouldn't have an issue with this. We let our kids try things if we are drinking (neither like it but I am aiming to demystify it). It's really much better to experiment safely rather than have free access to whatever you can steal from your parents and drink on a park bench. I'd make sure my child knew they could call me any time and I'd (judgement free) pick them up at any time, no questions asked. And that they knew what to look for safety wise for their friends too. But really, 15 vs 16 isn't really a magical birthday so can't see a major issue with it being this year instead of next.

We’re not talking about a perfect world, though. We have to deal with reality. If your teenagers go to parties, you can’t cherry pick the other guests to fit in with your idea of suitability. It is inevitable that alcohol will be at 15/16 year olds’ parties, and parents who treat it as forbidden fruit are merely enhancing its allure.

I totally get where you’re coming from @AlertBlueDreamer but it’s pretty much the norm here but they start earlier… beer/cider at parties from 13 and they seem to have spirits/buzz balls etc from 14/15. I was also horrified but always agreed to let my kids go if they wanted to with a pick up time of 11/12 ish. They all went to one or so and then decided the parties weren’t their idea of fun😅! I have allowed beer/glass of wine at home on a weekend/special occasion since about 14 but none of them like to (one thought it was great at first but now isn’t interested). You need to keep the dialogue open - if the other parent is saying that they’re assuming responsibility then I’d let them get on with it (assuming there are no boys staying over) - talk to your dd, encouraging her to approach it responsibly will stand you & her in good stead. But yes, drinking at parties under16 doesn’t sit well with me either!

This is a really old school parenting attitude. I’m not strict at all, but have an open dialogue with my teenagers. I trust them to do the right thing and know their boundaries. Sure, they’ll make mistakes. But they can (and do) tell me what’s going on. It’s way easier to parent that way than be a dictator and enforcer.

This happened with my DD, and I wasn’t comfortable with it. I didn’t stop her going to the parties, though none were sleepovers, and she rarely drank much as she didn’t like the drinks at the time. I knew this about her but still couldn’t be sure she wouldn’t come a cropper as peer pressure can change behaviour.

The thing is your DD will be exposed to all sorts of things over the next few years and you really want the open dialogue as far as possible. Also, you need to develop some trust, and it does have to earned but they can only earn it by being given some freedom.

I would have a think about what you know about your DD and her friends, her friend’s parents etc. Obviously you disapprove, and I get that, and most people here agree that they wouldn’t provide alcohol at that age, but try to balance your view a bit? So maybe no sleepover, but a later pick up?

@maudelovesharold 100% this in a vacuum ideally no-one would drink. But it is party of our culture as a nation and teenagers generally want to do things that are "grown up"

Unless you have serious concerns that the host parent is unsafe then the risk is minimal and being a teen parent is helping them navigate risks, and decision making around risks.

Having a Strongbow dark fruits in your mates mums conservatory is hardly the last days of Rome.