Perceptions of wealth

[TeenLifeMum]

This is a bit of an odd one and I’m not sure why it bothers me, but it does. I am unsure how to approach it.

dd2 (we have 3dds) is part of a friend group that she was the last to join. All lovely except one, Ella, who seems threatened by dd and puts her down when others don’t hear. Dd ignores this as she doesn’t want to lose the rest of the group and this girl isn’t always there anyway so it’s fine. The issue I have is that dd has a perception that Ella’s family is loaded.

I’d say they’re comfortable and similar to us but dd seems to think we’re really poor by comparison. I think it’s how her parents speak and she repeats. Example being, dd might say “oh my dad works for the council” but Ella will say “my mum is very important at the council” - dh is significantly senior to her in the same organisation but it doesn’t feel right to correct it or we could sound petty.

Ella went on about their holiday to Greece, like us, but she would have had a different experience as they were in a 5 hotel. Dd had no clue what hotel we went to (it was 5*) so thinks “wow, Ella’s family is rich”.

They have brand new cars - Tesla as Range Rover. They’re both leased. We buy 3 year old cars cash and take care of them. We have fairly new VW and Fiat 500. We like our cars and morally wouldn’t buy a Tesla.

I think dh expressed it best when he said, we’re really not people who compare or do the whole keeping up with the jones’ but DD’s comments are annoying because she seems to be totally blind to the life she’s had. She’s been to 11 states in the USA, Canada twice, many European holidays, amazing hotels, theatre trips, concerts and festivals, we live in a 4 bed home with a lovely garden, yet you’d think she grew up in poverty.

I think I have to let things ride out and she’ll figure it out herself because I can’t think how to explain without sounding petty.

Oh that was long 🙈

I don’t think is about wealth but more about a girl who is a bit rude and has parents who must go on about this kind of stuff at home.

i would just brush over it when your dd mentions it - rather than trying to reassure her that you are “just as rich” I would say things like “people have all sorts of jobs and we are all different, it’s not good to compare”.

How on earth is she rude, the only example the op gave is she said her mum was imoortanr at the council

op, why does it bother you, it’s not a competition.

I didn’t give loads of examples because it was already an essay. The conversation was about her mum being important and putting down dh’s dad as less so. He was her mum’s boss at the time but neither dc knew that. Her comment about her holiday experience being so much better than DD’s and dd couldn’t imagine quite how luxurious their holiday was because it was 5 star (assuming dd didn’t stay in a 5 star hotel even though she did but had no idea about how many stars it has). It’s an ongoing pattern of sympathetic head tilts and “aw, your parents cars are 3 years old… we get new ones every 2 years”.

another example of her mean behaviour. Dd got an 8 in a gcse assessment but Ella got a 5 and said to dd that must be a mistake as no way would dd get a better grade than her. She puts dd down a lot and we deal with that bit it’s the financial comparisons that I’m struggling with. We have friends with bigger houses and dc in private school others earning far less but we don’t value people by wealth so this has never been an issue.

Agree with this. I would’ve even. Other highlighting it to your Dd, otherwise it reinforces that it’s important to be the best/have the most when theirs not even your view.
id just smile and nod

in fact just saw your dc is gcse age. That’s plenty old enough to point out to her that shes had similar holidays, her dad was more senior etc. but at the end of the day it’s Ella who’s in the wrong for comparing. I’d want my Dd to understand she’s not any better and then teach her to just let Ella’s comments go over her head. If she also just smiles and nods, Ella will get bored

The kid just sounds ill mannered and probably had grown up amongst very materialistically competitive people. Snobs basically.
Or they may be masking their own insecurity with one upmanship and telling fibs, putting others down as a defence. Which could veer into bullying.

So overall I would encourage your daughter to keep her distance from this girl and form strong friendships with others who don't make her feel less than. That judging people on their possessions is shallow, crass and foolish.

I don’t understand why this bothers you so much? You’ve given a lot of unnecessary detail in your post, like the exact make of your cars and exactly how many states in the US your daughter has been to (wtf?). Let her think her friend is more privileged. Or not. What a complete non-issue.

I never say this, but this thread has ‘stealth boast’ written all over it.

But again why does it matter if some teenager thinks they are wealthier than you, surely you just tell your daughter her hotel was also five star. Whi cares if your husband was her manager,

literally, I couldn’t care less if sone teenager thought I was wealthy or poor, if my own child was confused I’d likely explain to her many more wealthy many poorer, and about the value of money, not go on about how many holidays she’s been on,

you’re not in a competition, it literally doesn’t matter,

The issue you need to focus on is bringing up a child who is pretty spoiled.
1 - she's apparently completely oblivious to what is obviously a very privileged life (assume from GCSE comment she's 15 ish, she must have noticed she's travelled around the world in five star hotels, she's not 3).
2 - she's way too bothered about her friend's wealth and tbh it's extremely rude that she's felt it appropriate to tell you about it, if she really believes that you're poor and her friend is rich. My parents were much poorer than my school friends and in no world that by age 15 I would come back home and tell them that other parents have more than they do.

Ella is an irrelevance, you have a narrow window to avoid raising a very spoiled young adult.

Your husband has nailed it, honestly. The moment you turn it into a reassurance campaign about how well off you are, you accidentally teach her that being rich is the thing that matters and that it is worth measuring.

Ours is only three, so my wife and I are probably a decade behind you on this one, but the bit I would steal from your husband is the casual fact drop rather than the sales pitch. When she says Ella's family is loaded, a breezy "those cars are leased, love, ours is actually ours" or "funny, we went to a five star in Greece too, we just don't go on about it" plants the seed without making it a lecture. Kids her age are very literal, she probably genuinely does not know what a lease is, or that a five star hotel can look completely ordinary from the outside.

I would not overexplain it though. The more energy you put into proving you are not poor, the more she learns it is a sensitive subject. Smile and nod, keep being the family that does not compare, and she will clock the difference herself. A girl who puts her down for getting an 8 when she got a 5 is telling on her own insecurity, not your bank balance.

Might be time to teach her the phrase "Money talks, wealth whispers'

Two separate issues here

the other girl and her family sound ghastly. Why does you DD choose to spend any time with her?

your Dd must be aware of her experiences? At a similar age my kids absolutely downplayed our family holidays to their friends as they were aware that very few had the same opportunities.

Better to teach her Ben Affleck's response

https://www.cnbc.com/amp/2025/03/11/youre-broke-why-ben-affleck-refused-to-buy-son-6000-sneakers.html

Tell her she's broke, so is Ella, and both of them should find better things to talk about than how much money their parents have.

He was her mum’s boss at the time but neither dc knew that.

When she mentions this surely you say - oh yes she works under your Dad.

Or with hoildays - hmm we were at a 5 start hotel love.

Surely this is just correcting your DD understanding rather than bosting or showing off wealth.

I'm not sure correcting your DD misunderstanding of her lifestyle is such a big deal TBH.

My kids have know kids with mix of incomes - sometimes much worse off and sometime even with less prestigous job had more income due to when they bought houses, whether parenst both worked from when kids very young - to how many kids they had. Never seemed to be an issue really - they understood where we stood.

Have had the put down by other parents round results academically -never actual kids - both ways pity and must be mistaken when better TBH only really mattered if it upset the kids.

Maybe model or look at ways she can gently push back if it's uspetting her.

Why do you even care? My dc thought a relative was super rich because their house is much bigger than ours but we are in London. I don’t care & just ignored it as they will figure it out soon enough!

@FrodoBigginsmy dd was moaning and asking why we couldn’t eat lunch out after her football today. My answer was I’m broke.

A leased car doesn’t mean you don’t have money though. My neighbour always has an expensive leased car, he is defo richer than me!

@TeenLifeMum

I think dh expressed it best when he said, we’re really not people who compare or do the whole keeping up with the jones’

Given the detail you've put in your OP, I'd very much think YOU are someone who does indeed like to compare.

I think dh expressed it best when he said, we’re really not people who compare or do the whole keeping up with the jones’ but DD’s comments are annoying because she seems to be totally blind to the life she’s had. She’s been to 11 states in the USA, Canada twice, many European holidays, amazing hotels, theatre trips, concerts and festivals, we live in a 4 bed home with a lovely garden, yet you’d think she grew up in poverty.

Nothing uouve said indicates your daughter thinks she grew up in poverty, I think you’re being hyperbolic as this is pissing you off so much,

and as such I actually tbink you’ve a massive chip on your shoulder about how wealthy you are perceived to be

if my daughter said to me, Jane’s mum is really senior, they must be very wealthy they went to a five star hotel, honestly I’d just say that’s nice dear and move on,

if you feel tne need to correct, then do so, but not as a competition to them. You also say your husband is more senior, but council jobs are notoriously not well paid, but you don’t say what you do, or what the girls father does.

it is hugely possible they are a lot wealthier than you. And so what if they are. You’re not in competition . Who cares if their cars are leased, but with those brands I can assure you that will cost a huge amount each month,so there is a likely hood they do earn significantly more. But again. So?

I think this is normal teenage ‘lack of perspective’ - she assumes her experience is baseline ‘normal’ (as do most kids) rather than privileged, and she is believing her friend’s bragging. She hasn’t yet realised that braggers are usually compensating for feeling inferior!

Your husband has a good way to deal with it. Personally I would also talk to DD about the grades thing and ask what she thinks it says about Ella. Would someone who is a good friend deal with their disappointment by making someone else feel bad?

"...morally wouldn’t buy a Tesla."

Lol. Oh, do get over yourself.

You say this friend seems “threatened” by your DD.

And then write a long post how you and your DH appear to feel threatened by your daughter seeing her mate as loaded

This entire thread is about how you are pissed off with your daughter for thinking her mate is in a stronger financial position than you.

Your dd is either completely insensitive to that or she’s picking that scab to rile you up even more.

And it’s working

All sounds like oneupmanship to me.

OP, why on earth do you care? Seriously, I can't fathom being even remotely concerned by this.