Perceptions of wealth

[TeenLifeMum]

This is a bit of an odd one and I’m not sure why it bothers me, but it does. I am unsure how to approach it.

dd2 (we have 3dds) is part of a friend group that she was the last to join. All lovely except one, Ella, who seems threatened by dd and puts her down when others don’t hear. Dd ignores this as she doesn’t want to lose the rest of the group and this girl isn’t always there anyway so it’s fine. The issue I have is that dd has a perception that Ella’s family is loaded.

I’d say they’re comfortable and similar to us but dd seems to think we’re really poor by comparison. I think it’s how her parents speak and she repeats. Example being, dd might say “oh my dad works for the council” but Ella will say “my mum is very important at the council” - dh is significantly senior to her in the same organisation but it doesn’t feel right to correct it or we could sound petty.

Ella went on about their holiday to Greece, like us, but she would have had a different experience as they were in a 5 hotel. Dd had no clue what hotel we went to (it was 5*) so thinks “wow, Ella’s family is rich”.

They have brand new cars - Tesla as Range Rover. They’re both leased. We buy 3 year old cars cash and take care of them. We have fairly new VW and Fiat 500. We like our cars and morally wouldn’t buy a Tesla.

I think dh expressed it best when he said, we’re really not people who compare or do the whole keeping up with the jones’ but DD’s comments are annoying because she seems to be totally blind to the life she’s had. She’s been to 11 states in the USA, Canada twice, many European holidays, amazing hotels, theatre trips, concerts and festivals, we live in a 4 bed home with a lovely garden, yet you’d think she grew up in poverty.

I think I have to let things ride out and she’ll figure it out herself because I can’t think how to explain without sounding petty.

Between a teen girl and an adult woman, the OP

@Wildgoat - good point, the annual lease for a new Tesla is probably not far off the total cost of a used Fiat 500. So if you and your daughter want to judge their wealth by their cars, they are probably "beating" you. Which is why it's so stupid to get upset about it.

Just awful for you and indeed her small reactions. My DS went to a 'posh' school and didn't cope for a long time, feeling as though he was inferior and shoudln't have been there.. It passed, and he now says that it was the best thing I ever did for him.

As for this situation, keep the girl responsible at arms length. She doesn't sound like a positive influence in your DS's life. She sounds destructive. Cut her out as much as you can.

I have to say, while I generally agree with what pp's are saying about not wanting to get drawn into one up man ship I don't understand why you wouldn't tell her that her dad is/was actually Ella's dad's boss! It's the sort of thing that would have come out eventually anyway, as presumably Ella's mum knows exactly who your DH is! It doesn't have to be bragging but it seems weird to let her continue in a misconception.

Other than that you could make it into a bit of a joke, e.g. as soon as DD starts with 'Ella's parents...' you could say 'Ah yes, how is Ella Elevenerife?'

However overall I do agree that it might be better to just work on your DD's own understanding of how privileged she is, independent of whatever Ella's family do/have.

To be honest as other posters have said she seems quite oblivious for a 15 year old. For Ella's mum to still have a pretty good job at the council and then your DH to have been her manager he must be quite high up in corporate leadership - surely most 15 year old's know roughly what sort of jobs are 'good' jobs etc? Same with what a 5 star hotel is like.

I don’t think she’s oblivious

She’s sensed this pisses off her mum and she’s antagonising her. And it’s working a treat

I think this is bothering you far too much. It sounds as though Ella has some insecurity problems. I’d concentrate on impressing on DD that it isn’t good manners to boast or try to put someone else down. She might like to point that out to her friend if it’s bothering her. Doesn’t sound like it is though.

Yes, that much is clear! OP, if you weren’t bothered, you wouldn’t be posting, and listing your cars and how many stars your holiday hotel had! Does it actually matter if your daughter thinks you’re paupers compared to Ella’s family?

It's Ella's mum at the council not her dad. Her dad might be a tech millionaire. The Tesla would check out.
There are a lot of reasons Ella might see her mum as senior/important (maybe she manages a team, maybe she has to work in the evenings) even if OPs husband is "above" her. Maybe Ella's mum took time out of her career to raise children and still holds down, and is proud of, a good position. Maybe if she was a man like OPs husband she'd be even more senior.

DD (and friend) decided we were poor, as a matter of fact, because we had Samsung phones not iphones :)

What is immoral about a Tesla?

It really does bother you doesn’t it? Not sure why you felt it necessary to give such a detailed description of your family’s wealth.
re Dd and Ella I would just say - that’s nice, she’s very lucky to do x or have x - in a completely neutral way. When people try to show off to me about x and y - my standard response is how fabulous/how wonderful.

OP I don't care about finances or showing off, but I'd have to say "well that's not right, your Dad is Ellas mums boss" if DD said that to me about the work bragging, or with the hotel example I'd say "yeah your hotel was five star too".

Not in a bragging way, I'd just be factual about it. And I'd also tell DD that having more than others isn't important etc etc.

But really you're letting your DD be put down by a nasty girl without even having the facts. I imagine it would be quite nice for DD to retort "well my dad is actually your mum's boss" and actually at the moment she can't shut Ella down even if she wanted to, because she doesn't know the facts.

You seem to be as insecure as Ella is. Ella's parents may well be wealthier. Your family may be wealthier. But who knows. And honestly who cares?!

I have a teenager a similar age and I honestly do not care whether or not we are poorer or richer than his friends. Or whether or not he, or his friends, think we are poorer.

Plus, just because a teenager has been to 11 states or stayed in 5 star hotels doesn't make them happier, or from a "better family".

Honestly OP. Give your head a firm wobble and listen to your dh who seems to have his head screwed on.

Me again. Its very telling that you wrote your Opening post about wealth. But left the more important point about the GCSE nasty remark to an update.

You need to direct your attention to helping your dd navigate around unkind remarks and not the comments of an irrelevant teenager's perception of your wealth!

I thinks she’s definitely old enough for you to say when another example happens “what a shame she needs to brag and put you down. You’ve had the same x,y,z but we don’t bother going on about it because there will be people who aren’t so lucky and it’s not nice to brag or compare. I’ve noticed Ella does this quite a lot and I don’t really like it ”.

I find it odd to care about this. Just ignore her and move on.

It's because your bringing your daughter up properly but she doesn't know any difference and plus u obviously don't brag !
So I would assume your DDs friend.knows your DDs situation and she is being classless by trying to make out she is better somehow and is also insecure I wouldn't worry too much your daughter will soon realise ,she doesn't need to change because it makes her look secure and confident you should be secretly proud you know your situation it doesn't matter about this other girl 💕

How do you know so much about the other families finances. I don’t think I’ve ever known If someone’s car is leased or owned

This! Leasing cars is expensive. You sound as bad as they are for mentioning their cars are leased but yours are owned.

Just explain it to her. She is old enough, explain your values and the truth. Give her something, even a quiet self knowledge that things are not always as they are portrayed by people.
My mum did me a massive favour when I was in my teens and into American rap, and said… do you really think these millionaire rappers are just sitting around drinking and smoking weed all day.. if they were how would they get all their business and songs created for kids like you to spend their money on.’ It really made me think about what people say about themselves vs what their actual reality might be and what they actually do.
if you want your daughter to have your values then you have to explain them to her, why you make the decisions you do about cars, what car leasing vs car ownership is, why you don’t drive Tesla’s, why you don’t boast about DHs job.
otherwise she’s just going to think that this girl is rush and she is poor and rich people drive Tesla’s and swap their cars every three year. When the reality is nothing like that.

FrogsLoveRain
I thought that too. But of course the OP needed to tell us about her cars, holidays and DH's job.
The small matter of her daughter doing well at an exam / assessment and the nasty comment from the other girl seemed less important.

I feel embarrassed for @TeenLifeMum . Hopefully though you didn’t mention this fierce competition you have ongoing with a 15 year old to anyone in RL beyond your husband!

It’s just perception. You notice things about other people that you don’t notice about yourself. Dd is always telling me how posh a friend is or how HUGE her house is. Then I go to pick her up from the friend’s house or meet the friend’s family. They will be by no means posh. We live in a big 5 bedroom detached house on 5 acres with formal gardens and outbuildings and paddocks. We have by far the biggest posh house of any of her friends. They all live in like pretty standard Victorian terraces or typical 3-4 bed new builds, but because one has 3 stories, she thinks it’s massive. Or it’s a new build with a lazy spa, she thinks it’s posh because it isn’t our old draughty farmhouse.

You often don’t see what you’re used to. Anyway, I do point it out to her sometimes because I don’t want her to take her privilege for granted. But at the same time, I’m glad she’s not walking around being massively stuck up either. She doesn’t really care that her house is bigger than everyone else’s a
or we are probably more posh than them. And I’m happy to generally not make a big deal of it.

In any other format it doesn’t, I agree, but she’s doing it in a way of putting my dd down. It’s like micro bullying but in a really weird form.

This is a really odd thread. Nobody should care. DD had a rather insecure friend who though she and her family were the bees knees. We just rolled our eyes but dd had twigged by 12/13.