Perceptions of wealth

[TeenLifeMum]

This is a bit of an odd one and I’m not sure why it bothers me, but it does. I am unsure how to approach it.

dd2 (we have 3dds) is part of a friend group that she was the last to join. All lovely except one, Ella, who seems threatened by dd and puts her down when others don’t hear. Dd ignores this as she doesn’t want to lose the rest of the group and this girl isn’t always there anyway so it’s fine. The issue I have is that dd has a perception that Ella’s family is loaded.

I’d say they’re comfortable and similar to us but dd seems to think we’re really poor by comparison. I think it’s how her parents speak and she repeats. Example being, dd might say “oh my dad works for the council” but Ella will say “my mum is very important at the council” - dh is significantly senior to her in the same organisation but it doesn’t feel right to correct it or we could sound petty.

Ella went on about their holiday to Greece, like us, but she would have had a different experience as they were in a 5 hotel. Dd had no clue what hotel we went to (it was 5*) so thinks “wow, Ella’s family is rich”.

They have brand new cars - Tesla as Range Rover. They’re both leased. We buy 3 year old cars cash and take care of them. We have fairly new VW and Fiat 500. We like our cars and morally wouldn’t buy a Tesla.

I think dh expressed it best when he said, we’re really not people who compare or do the whole keeping up with the jones’ but DD’s comments are annoying because she seems to be totally blind to the life she’s had. She’s been to 11 states in the USA, Canada twice, many European holidays, amazing hotels, theatre trips, concerts and festivals, we live in a 4 bed home with a lovely garden, yet you’d think she grew up in poverty.

I think I have to let things ride out and she’ll figure it out herself because I can’t think how to explain without sounding petty.

I would explain to your DD how people who are wealthy don’t talk about money let alone brag, also people with expensive things often have very large debts.

Littlest DS, thinks his friend's mum is a millionaire because she has put gold wheels on a very old Porsche.

He also thought his classmate was rich because they got packed lunch where as we resigned the poor boy to school dinners.

DD equates wealth to food 😂 Rich people can eat 4 curly wurlys in one go. Whenever they like.

I think this is some sort of middle class angst I do not get.

Our kids get told by us and their DGP there lucky - they also know others have more and some less. They's just get told/corrected if they are mistaken about jobs money- no drama.

I worried older two didn't get money - teen jobs here hard to get - but they went off to uni and actually did really well with money management.

I'd work on how to politely push back - with the test results and money and all the little digs.

I'd simply work on boosting your dad's self esteem. Then if this girl puts her down she won't feel so bad.

No I disagree with you there - I think the way to stand up to a snobby bully belittling you is to stand up for yourself. If OP's daughter said "actually my dad is your mum's boss" to this girls belittling comments, I'm sure the girl would stop making them to the DD. If you let bullies belittle you, they will keep doing it.

It’s the Op that needs to work on her own self esteem

Absolutely this. I think you come across as more materialistic by stating this and being bothered that your DD has a friend who thinks she’s ’above’ you. If you were secure in your status and life, this would be water off a duck’s back. You don’t need to prove that you’re better.

haha, totally thought the same thing.

OP, you seem kind of threatened by it all, I wouldn’t care what a teenager or anyone else thought of how wealthy I was. The wealthiest people I know, those who have been work optional since their 30s, zero mortgages etc.., no one would even know by looking at them.

Also, if your dd thinks she grew up in poverty whilst having a very privileged life, you've done her no favours op. Get yourself and your dd out of your bubble and take the blinkers off.

What a bizarre outlook on life.

Just stop fixating on who has /doesn't have stuff and start caring about people for who they are.

I don't get why this girls parents and their wealth or otherwise mean anything to you?

I am far more interested in whether people are kind /interesting /funny etc

It's also weird that you conflate wealth with fairly trivial things like cars /holidays that almost anyone can finance. Most wealth is usually in investments surely?

I’ve not randomly fixated - my child is being bullied and these are the things that bully fixates on. As a secondary element to it, I’ve realised dd is unaware of her privilege. There’s some really helpful posters who have been able to pick through my brain dump of thoughts of events and work out why it’s bothered me. I don’t give a shit about comparing to others.

You began the entire thread about you “struggling” with your daughter telling you all this.

This isn’t bullying. This is you, a grown woman competing with a 15 year old who is utterly unaware of you

You do come across fixated, in what a 15 year old thinks, and now you’ve turned it on your own kid,

look I get it, I grew up poor, you dint want anyone to think you’re poorer than this girls parents, even though it is hugely feasible you are, you’re simply making assumptions about their financial situation that comfort you,

as said you’ve not said what rhe husband does, what you do, and it’s very well known working for the council is not high paying,

I think this is about your own feelings about perceptions of your wealth, your own hang ups, and not these kids,

If you really feel she's being bullied it's so weird that you've repeatedly said you wouldn't be bothered if Ella's family was actually richer than yours.

If Ella was calling your daughter fat and ugly would it be OK if she had a point?

What’s the age gap between them, and were you always as well off as you are now when the younger two were growing up?

Yeah, sorry OP, you need to be honest (if not with us, because that would be embarrassing, at least with yourself). You didn't post because your daughter is being bullied you posted because you were annoyed that your daughter's friend was telling your daughter that she's richer than you believe she actually is.

The issue I have is that dd has a perception that Ella’s family is loaded.

She puts dd down a lot and we deal with that bit it’s the financial comparisons that I’m struggling with.

If it was one of our wealthy friends I’d probably just say “yeah their parents own a company and have more than us” shrug. This is weird because a 15 year old is being competitive when we’re pretty much on a level playing field.

It’s the fact that the visible comparison that Ella raises to put dd down, which dd believes, are actually pretty equal

Dd1 is 3 years older and her other sister is her twin so 3 minute age gap. We moved to this house when they were 5. The difference is probably friendship groups.

It was bugging me on different levels and I couldn’t figure out what it was exactly because I’m not usually one to make comparisons. I knew it would be misunderstood by some and yep, I would probably read it the same so I get that. Probably why I posted on an anonymous thread and not to a friend as I get how it could come across.

It was, admittedly, a fairly poorly articulated brain dump, but since responses have helped me to organise my thoughts so I’m grateful some people worked out what I was trying to say, albeit clunkily.

Not fixated but this post was specifically about it so it does rather focus on it. Before the dc made consistent comments I’d not given it any thought.

If your child is being bullied at school, take it up with the school. If she’s being bullied outside of school, clearly the only thing to do is call Ella’s mother and browbeat her into admitting she makes your DH’s coffee at work and that all her cars are leased?

Are you always so condescending and misogynistic to assume a woman working for a man makes his coffee? Ella’s mum seems nice, her daughter is a mean girl. Dd won’t let me go to school as Ella is part of her friendship group so it’s complicated.

Do you really think Ella's mum is nice? You said in your OP that you think Ella is repeating the way her parents speak at home.

Whoosh.

Really? You think encouraging her to develop her sense of one-up-manship is going to help in her adult life?

I’m amazed she’s got to this age without experiencing this before, it’s a common fault in children (and some adults!). I find it’s usually those that have slightly less that do the bragging. The obvious way to deal with it is to ignore, not list off all the ways in which you do, in fact, have more.