Perceptions of wealth

[TeenLifeMum]

This is a bit of an odd one and I’m not sure why it bothers me, but it does. I am unsure how to approach it.

dd2 (we have 3dds) is part of a friend group that she was the last to join. All lovely except one, Ella, who seems threatened by dd and puts her down when others don’t hear. Dd ignores this as she doesn’t want to lose the rest of the group and this girl isn’t always there anyway so it’s fine. The issue I have is that dd has a perception that Ella’s family is loaded.

I’d say they’re comfortable and similar to us but dd seems to think we’re really poor by comparison. I think it’s how her parents speak and she repeats. Example being, dd might say “oh my dad works for the council” but Ella will say “my mum is very important at the council” - dh is significantly senior to her in the same organisation but it doesn’t feel right to correct it or we could sound petty.

Ella went on about their holiday to Greece, like us, but she would have had a different experience as they were in a 5 hotel. Dd had no clue what hotel we went to (it was 5*) so thinks “wow, Ella’s family is rich”.

They have brand new cars - Tesla as Range Rover. They’re both leased. We buy 3 year old cars cash and take care of them. We have fairly new VW and Fiat 500. We like our cars and morally wouldn’t buy a Tesla.

I think dh expressed it best when he said, we’re really not people who compare or do the whole keeping up with the jones’ but DD’s comments are annoying because she seems to be totally blind to the life she’s had. She’s been to 11 states in the USA, Canada twice, many European holidays, amazing hotels, theatre trips, concerts and festivals, we live in a 4 bed home with a lovely garden, yet you’d think she grew up in poverty.

I think I have to let things ride out and she’ll figure it out herself because I can’t think how to explain without sounding petty.

This friend will almost certainly be this way because of attitudes and comments picked up from her parents. Be careful that you don’t inadvertently instil the same thinking into your DD.

Has to be said, but you sound as childish as the kids 😆

Exactly.

How old is your daughter as frankly she sounds incredibly immature if she is believing all the other girl is saying . We’ve all met people who have done something bigger than/ better / before anybody else they know but most sensible people can just nod along or ignore .

Op your values are all wrong. Its just so weird that you and DH reacted to the story about the cars by sniping about how she didn't buy them outright

We buy our cars outright but I don't see that as a better or worse option than getting them on hire purchase . I know plenty of people who just hire their cars or whatever even though they have ample cash in the bank. I might use salary sacrifice for my next car because the tax I pay means it works out very cost effective, and I can stick the cash in an ISA. I don't really think about what cars other people have or how they buy them because I love my little runabout and don't want anything different

Your reaction is off. Who cares if some teenager thinks she is better off than you.

People choose to spend their money their money differently. I wouldn’t encourage one upmanship - there is nothing that makes someone sad for their whole life, if they are always comparing their material goods to others.

I try to encourage gratitude in my kids. We live in a safe country, we have food, a warm house, nice holidays, a happy family. We live in a world where thousands of children die every day from hunger. So we are grateful for all that we have. Others have more or appear like they have more but we know that we are lucky.

OP, I think you're getting a tough time on this thread and I have a different view to most. I feel that your concern is that this friendship is affecting your DDs self esteem and self worth (which it likely is doing if your DD is constantly comparing herself to this friend and feeling like she is less - the comment about the GCSE from the friend was awful - how spiteful that a friend can't be happy for someone else, or keep their jealousy to themselves).
If she was my DD I wouldn't try to explain or convince her of everything she has bit would challenge some of her thoughts/comments to encourage her to think more critically e.g. friend's parents have a brand new car....that's lovely for them, do you think having a new car makes someone happier/better/more important...why is that etc? I would even encourage her to think critically about the friendship e.g. friend says there must be a mistake on my GCSE....what do you think? How has that made you feel? Do you think a good friend says things like this?......I have 4 kids and find they often know the answers themselves if you can coach it out of them...but less likely to listen if you tell them how it is.

If your DD's actually coming to you upset about what Ella has said to her and telling you about it, would you not all be better off if you gently correct her misassumptions? It doesn't have to be done in a mean or superior way. Just for example, "Yes, Ms. Ellasmom does VERY good and important work at the council - your dad really counts on her - and all his other staff, of course" or "We like the Bohéme even better than the Semeli but they're both really nice, anybody would be lucky to stay at either." Ella and her family don't need to know you've said anything at all. If your daughter's GCSE age it's kind of surprising that she's not already putting two and two together herself on these things, but a little push wouldn't hurt. Then when she does figure it out you can also tell her that nobody needs to stay in a five star hotel ever and that all jobs are important but the really important thing is the redistribution of the means of production, and so on.

Spot on

But it’s not your friendship group, you’re so involved emotionally, so heavily focused on how much money you have v them and what they think,

your daughter has not asked for your help with Ella. Nor has she said she thinks she’s grown uo in poverty, and as said it is highly feasible they are a lot wealthier than you, the issue is why does it bother you,

Your daughter must have woken up when this girl was ridiculous about GCSE grades. It’s an absurd comment for Ella to make.

Ella’s attitude is unBritish. Tell your daughter that Ella has a lot to learn about getting on without rubbing people up the wrong way, because her baseless one-upmanship will cause her to come a cropper one day. Your family’s understated approach allows you to enjoy success without demanding the limelight. This is generally a much more polite way to go through life. It sounds to me that Ella is over compensating because she’s jealous and insecure.

I think in discussing this situation with DD, I would focus on Ella’s behaviour rather than her wealth.

I would point out that people who are secure in themselves don’t need to use material possessions - or anything else - to put other people down. I honestly wouldn’t engage with your DD discussing wealth or her perceived lack of wealth, other than perhaps to point out how fortunate she is in comparison to many others, and that there will always be people who have more than you, but also less than you. Personally, in this situation, i’d shut down any discussions of comparison (as I think you are) and tell my DD I would be really disappointed if she thought this was a proper way to behave, and focus on the fact that kind and confident people don’t need to put others down. I would also point out that children have so little input to a parents wealth that it’s a bit of an odd thing to brag about. That ultimately, she’s just holding a mirror up to her own insecurities (/that of her family), rather than saying anything meaningful.

honestly, kids can be awful, but I think engaging with who owns or spends the most type conversation is just going to put you on a hiding to nowhere.

Exactly. To get things in perspective, you could tell your daughter that what is important in life is what you DO not how much more money you have, more than some one else.

To show her your values are not how much money you have, you could eg take her to help out at your local food bank or serve dinners to the homeless, visit the lonely elderly etc ....

I'm wondering if this is 15 and Y11 - both DDs friendship groups seemed to get toxic in Y11 - slowly at first. I a lot of worry about what was next and exam stress and perhaps outgrowing where they were.

If she got a job then she'll start to experience wider world anyway and as she gets older understand money more.

TBH little put down are not always round money or status or test results but can often be anything - she may need help identifying them and learning to brushing them off - and that doesn't mean one upmanship just shutting it down or letting it be water of a ducks back.

@Smartnamechoice wow. That tracks. Sounds like @TeenLifeMum might need a hobby. Birdwatching is nice!

Morally you wouldn't buy a Tesla? I beg your pardon? What a horrible sanctimonious thing to say.. a wealth convo so typical of MN - astonishing pretentiousness once again

clarify things with her like her dad is her mum's boss, you stayed at a 5 star hotel. Things like the cars ((we do this for most things really) everyone house has X amount of money, the amount depends on how good a job you have, but even if all had the same money everyone has different priorities and would choose to use it differently. We don't value resort holidays or fancy cars but we like too have a good few holidays a year (often caravans or a couple of nights at a premier inn), others would rather have once extra fancy holiday both totally okay just what people prefer.

I would ignore the other stuff about this girl. It literally doesn't matter. Don't stoop to trying to compete through your daughter like some are suggesting. It will just upset your daughter and make you look childish. Your daughter will eventually realise herself.

But if your daughter really does think you are poor you have neglected her wider education and you need to look at subtle ways to educate her about how most people live in the UK and on far less money than her family.

You seem more bothered about this than your daughter. My son is now at uni and he’s made friends with someone who is wealthier than him for the first time. I’m pleased.

why on earth do you care? You say you're not a keeping up with the Jones's type but then your post screams that you're pissed off that your daughter doesn't realise she's 'better' than Ella. My son went through a phase where he constantly told me how 'rich' a kid in his class was - because he had a TV in his room and stuff. I happened to know this kid was actually from quite a chaotic household and definitely not rich, but it's not up to me to be commenting on the wealth of other people, it's none of my business. I do take every opportunity to explain to my son that he's quite privileged, as I think the internet can give a skewed idea of what privilege is. If you're just worried your daughter doesn't understand her own privilege that's a different conversation, but has nothing to do with Ella.