Perceptions of wealth

[TeenLifeMum]

This is a bit of an odd one and I’m not sure why it bothers me, but it does. I am unsure how to approach it.

dd2 (we have 3dds) is part of a friend group that she was the last to join. All lovely except one, Ella, who seems threatened by dd and puts her down when others don’t hear. Dd ignores this as she doesn’t want to lose the rest of the group and this girl isn’t always there anyway so it’s fine. The issue I have is that dd has a perception that Ella’s family is loaded.

I’d say they’re comfortable and similar to us but dd seems to think we’re really poor by comparison. I think it’s how her parents speak and she repeats. Example being, dd might say “oh my dad works for the council” but Ella will say “my mum is very important at the council” - dh is significantly senior to her in the same organisation but it doesn’t feel right to correct it or we could sound petty.

Ella went on about their holiday to Greece, like us, but she would have had a different experience as they were in a 5 hotel. Dd had no clue what hotel we went to (it was 5*) so thinks “wow, Ella’s family is rich”.

They have brand new cars - Tesla as Range Rover. They’re both leased. We buy 3 year old cars cash and take care of them. We have fairly new VW and Fiat 500. We like our cars and morally wouldn’t buy a Tesla.

I think dh expressed it best when he said, we’re really not people who compare or do the whole keeping up with the jones’ but DD’s comments are annoying because she seems to be totally blind to the life she’s had. She’s been to 11 states in the USA, Canada twice, many European holidays, amazing hotels, theatre trips, concerts and festivals, we live in a 4 bed home with a lovely garden, yet you’d think she grew up in poverty.

I think I have to let things ride out and she’ll figure it out herself because I can’t think how to explain without sounding petty.

I think people are giving you a hard time, but the one-upmanship you’re describing is fairly common and carries on well beyond the teenage years.

Away from the Ella situation, I’d help your daughter recognise how privileged she is, while also encouraging her to look beyond appearances and feel comfortable with her own likes and choices. Whether someone else thinks they’re better than her is ultimately irrelevant.

With Ella, her best response is probably to stay unbothered rather than get drawn into competing or defending herself. People who behave like that often thrive on the attention and reaction they get, so not giving her either may take the appeal out of it.

Your daughter’s energy is better spent on herself and what makes her happy. Learning that she doesn’t need to prove anything to anyone will serve her well, because getting wrapped up in these comparisons will only hold her back and distract her from her own life.

OP, I would put your DD straight. And then tell her that the reason it seems like we have less, or seems that her dad isn't as important at the council as Ella's mum, is because it's not nice to show off. Let her know that you have x, y, z but that showing off is not something that you as a family do, unlike Ella and her family. Tell DD that your hotel was five star too. Tell her that the cars are only leased whereas you own yours. Introduce your DD to the concept of stealth wealth. And reiterate that it's wrong and bad manners to show off, and that you and your family will all continue to enjoy what you have without rubbing others' noses in it. This is actually a great opportunity for a life lesson.

OMG why on earth are you getting roped in to all this.
Just ignore it all, both your DD's comments and Ella's comments.
Jesus.

I dont think kids really know about money.
i think they probably think council tenants are wealthy as some can rent lovely new houses and have games consoles, newest shoes.
Or other parents where some have smaller house but no morgage or as you say smaller car but owned.

Have not RTFT, but as someone who went to private school but was not from a vey wealthy family, I would have appreciated more open conversations about it in my family to help with putting it in perspective.

Can you not tell your DD to just put the bully Ella down? Ie stop boasting about money/cars it’s so cringe plus the eye roll

I can’t believe you’re so bothered by the words of a little girl. Who actually cares about this stuff?

Look we live in age of social media driven by capitalism and showing of. 15 year old very impressed by it. We are comfortable. Live in affluent area plenty richer than us and some poorer. We got these comments now and then oh so rich have dinner out twice a week etc. oh so and mum got a real Louis Vuitton. Just bring them up to appreciate money and make wiser choices with money ie no credit card debt. They will work it out eventually. Smile amd spunds lovely x

Your DDs friend sounds like hard work and spoilt but equally your daughter is being indulged in what sounds like a luxury lifestyle and doesnt appreciate it at all! You either need to explain to her you have also had 5* star holidays to so she starts to appreciate them or take her to butlins for her next half term break so she learns to appreciate what she has without comparing wealth constantly.

If you start comparing, you will never be happy and neither will your daughter rise above it and find things in life which are worth talking about , like family and memories and time with each other , which you can't put a monetary value on. If you start to think and let your daughter think that money and having more than someone else is the most important thing you will never have enough
So every time she talks about a comparison talk about what you do have , which has no obvious financial value

Ella is petty, and I'm afraid it sounds as though you are letting yourself get drawn into it op.

They are both relatively fortunate, but neither of them are from big stakes wealth. They are two small dots in a infinite multitude of dots and the concept of who is the bigger dot is ridiculous.

I actually probably wouldn't get into the whole "well we have 5 star hotels too" dynamic. Tell your DD to focus on what matters and ignore Ella. I'd do this by saying "Ella seems to think she is rather a big fish in a small pond, it's about time she grew up and focused on what matters" and model indifference to the sorts of things Ella is trying to leverage. If you demonstrate to DD none of that matters, Ella's jibes will fall on deaf ears. Let your DD be bigger.

Yes, further to my last, I agree with this ...

Completely this. I’d be using these examples as ways of teaching her that it’s about Ella’s insecurities and not the facts. And actually dad is senior but we don’t need to talk about it because we are fine with who we are and don’t need to show off. Also we stay in 5* hotels but don’t need to show off so we didn’t talk about it with you - but if Ella mentions it again, ideally ignore it as she is showing off, or else you can correctly point out that you did too.

Sounds like you are the one with the problem here lol. Keeping all that score, crazy town. I bet Ella and her parents have never even thought about this kind of thing. You are being silly and insecure. And a little bit pathetic if I’m being honest.

I think there are two things here. Ella's comment about your daughter's GCSE grade does sound nasty and that would worry me. And if your daughter feels bullied, that's really important.

But you must separate it out from all the nonsense about wealth.

You seem simultaneously annoyed that Ella's parents have instilled in her a sense that she is financially fortunate, and cross that your own DD doesn't share that sense.

That's bonkers.

If Ella thinks it's significant that the hotel was a 5 star hotel, or the car is a Tesla, it will be because her parents brought her up to understand these things as significant. It could be that they're massive snobs, of course. But it could also be that her parents have repeatedly said 'Ella, you are very lucky, look at this nice life we give you'.

You want your DD to feel lucky too - though you have slightly different priorities and interpret slightly different things as status symbols.

Another person again could do the whole 'Four Yorkshiremen' about your choices and point out that you're very lucky to be able to buy nearly-new cars or to take your child all over Europe. If your DD were more vocally grateful about what you provide for her, I guarantee there would be some other child, somewhere, who could feel snubbed and upset that she was mentioning all of these exciting trips, or these fancy cars, or whatever.

If you fixate on these details, you give your child the message that the details are what matter, and they're not. Please don't get into who is senior to whom at work! That's so petty. You just need to keep reassuring your DD that it's not ok for someone she considers a friend to say things that are designed to be unkind. Leave out the rest.

I wonder if you maybe need to start just having some much more open conversations with her about finances and financial choices. I have done this with my kids since they were 13/14. I would talk about mortgages, debt, how some people lease their cars and some people buy them outright, how some people prioritise holidays and keep a smaller house, others have a bigger mortgage because they're home bodies but don't have as many holidays. Not all in one go, but as conversations came up and often in the car chatting as we go. They understand some people can look like they've got lots but it's mainly credit and others can look like they have a very frugal life but they earn loads but just don't like a flashy lifestyle.

I articulate choices with them such as 'yes, you're right we could do that cinema trip this month but I would rather use that money towards a holiday later this year' and let them understand that the vast majority of adults have financial choices to make. I think it's healthy - as others have said, sometimes children who have only ever experienced 5 star hotels, £1000 laptops at Christmas and designer clothes, will only be disappointed in adulthood most likely. And equally, they have nothing to work towards.

Both of mine got jobs at 16 and worked really hard in part time jobs and understood the value of money and come to me quite openly about financial questions now as they are going in to early adulthood.

Maybe you just need to use this as an education point. Explain that you are actually in a very similar situation but different people have different priorities.

You say you are not the sort of person who compares

but then you do exactly that

why does it bother you?

your OP is one big contradiction

Wise.

I was thinking the same. It's totally bizarre to know (or care) if your child's peer's family's car is leased.

It's weirdly convenient that Ella was bullying over the age of your cars and her mum had just happened to mention to your DH at work that theirs were leased. Quite a coincidence.