Perceptions of wealth

[TeenLifeMum]

This is a bit of an odd one and I’m not sure why it bothers me, but it does. I am unsure how to approach it.

dd2 (we have 3dds) is part of a friend group that she was the last to join. All lovely except one, Ella, who seems threatened by dd and puts her down when others don’t hear. Dd ignores this as she doesn’t want to lose the rest of the group and this girl isn’t always there anyway so it’s fine. The issue I have is that dd has a perception that Ella’s family is loaded.

I’d say they’re comfortable and similar to us but dd seems to think we’re really poor by comparison. I think it’s how her parents speak and she repeats. Example being, dd might say “oh my dad works for the council” but Ella will say “my mum is very important at the council” - dh is significantly senior to her in the same organisation but it doesn’t feel right to correct it or we could sound petty.

Ella went on about their holiday to Greece, like us, but she would have had a different experience as they were in a 5 hotel. Dd had no clue what hotel we went to (it was 5*) so thinks “wow, Ella’s family is rich”.

They have brand new cars - Tesla as Range Rover. They’re both leased. We buy 3 year old cars cash and take care of them. We have fairly new VW and Fiat 500. We like our cars and morally wouldn’t buy a Tesla.

I think dh expressed it best when he said, we’re really not people who compare or do the whole keeping up with the jones’ but DD’s comments are annoying because she seems to be totally blind to the life she’s had. She’s been to 11 states in the USA, Canada twice, many European holidays, amazing hotels, theatre trips, concerts and festivals, we live in a 4 bed home with a lovely garden, yet you’d think she grew up in poverty.

I think I have to let things ride out and she’ll figure it out herself because I can’t think how to explain without sounding petty.

OP, I completely get it but that's because I'm a bit like you- I would never brag about money but would find it very annoying if people didn't just naturally assume I have it 😂

This other girl is 15 so has an excuse for being a bit of a dick. Best not to join her.

You could gently start correcting your DD. We when she says ‘Ella’s been to a 5 hotel’ you can say ‘did she like it as much as you liked the 5 one we went to’ in a curious way. And surely your dd knows enough to clock your DH is senior? Ella’s mum is irrelevant here, it’s normal for your kid to have an interest in her folks and see their work is important.

Just answer your daughter with "thats nice dear" or "I'm happy for them" . Every time. 🤣

OP, you have NO IDEA whether or not your family and Ella's family are on a " level playing field" of wealth. You just think you know and are making comparisons on what is outwardly visible. How much is in your family's pension pot? How much in Ella's? Same with ISAs etc etc.

Some really clever insights in this thread.

And plenty of bragging by loads too

I think you should explain to your daughter how privileged she is, as she doesn't seem to realise this is not the norm. It's important for understanding advantage, disadvantage, and developing empathy. Not sure i could resist saying something re the friend Ella, but I'd probably keep it to a one sentence correction in the moment rather than a big conversation.

So much for not wanting to keep up with the Jones’s.
It’s bothering you a lot that your daughter doesn’t realise you can keep up…
when stuff like that happens to my kids I tell them the truth and that they should be a bit sorry for the child who can’t keep their mouth shut, though we are the Jones’s…

I also find it very odd that your DH came home from work and told you about the car financing arrangements of one of the people he's line managing tbh.

I think for your own wellbeing you (and your husband) probably need to spend a bit less time thinking about Ella's parents financial affairs.

Exactly. Even if OP knows Ella's mums salary by virtue of her working with OPs husband (eyebrow raise), Ella's grandma might be Aunt Bessie and they all might have shares in the Yorkshire pudding empire 😂

Tell your DD that money talks but real wealth whispers. The more loaded you want to appear, the opposite is usually likely.

As lots of other posters have already said, you’re confusing two issues.

1. Ella is an insecure bully, and ideally you’d want your DD to steer clear of her and focus on nicer friends
2. DD doesn’t understand that she’s actually grown up very wealthy, which is totally normal at age 15, and probably needs a chat about it before she goes to work / uni and starts meeting people from less privileged backgrounds and putting her foot in it.

Assuming he works for the council, I'd say that's par for the course.

No, I never said I'd tell the teenager to say that. But I think withholding information from her DD (eg her dad's work structure) is a bit strange

Because this will be exactly the kind of gossip that @TeenLifeMum will want to know. Clearly incredibly focussed on money and how that compares with others. And sounds like DH is cut from the same cloth.

I'd just be honest. "Wealth isn't important or an indicator of the worth of a person. However, your dad is/was friend's mum's boss and you've been in loads of 5* hotels. Perhaps friend feels a bit insecure and is trying to make you think she's better so I'd just keep quiet."

Obviously it's the parents not the friend but you don't want to get yourself into trouble.

I think you also seem a bit status conscious but maybe that's part of the human condition unless we're upper class.

Reminds me of a Victoria Wood sketch "My husband is very high up in sewage".

Yeah this happens sometimes. I find it amusing given my income, but i don't take it for granted, so I don't overextend myself with 2 trips to Canada...Lots of people live beyond their means and I guess given the risks they're taking they really need to make sure you know how much they are spending.

My mistake, you said it would be "quite nice for DD to retort" that.

It wouldn't be nice at all, it would be the sort of bullying snobby little comment that surely both children should be brought up not to make.

He didn’t tell me this. It came up after dd came home saying Ella was laughing at our old cars as her parents wouldn’t drive anything more than 2 years old. Up until dd mentioning these comments over the last 6 months I had no idea dh worked with her mum and we’d never had any conversation about them until dd was telling us about Ella’s comments and dh said afterwards, to me privately, that DD’s perception is off.

I think you need to read your posts
because honestly - it just smacks that you are competing with an l 15 year old.
Your daughter is telling you all this because she knows it winds you up…. She isn’t the least bit “upset”

15 year olds…. Brain still developing, often unsure, lack confidence and immature

you aren’t 15 but behaving identically
to her

I would have no patience for this and would ask why she cares a jot what Ella has, or does because Ella isn’t very nice.

This is what I thought may be misunderstood. If Ella’s parents lived in a castle with 6 Bentleys, dd believing they lived a grander life would make total sense to me. I’m not trying to keep up. It’s the fact that the visible comparison that Ella raises to put dd down, which dd believes, are actually pretty equal.

I’m glad dd doesn’t behave boastfully but I’m realising that she does need a bit more awareness. I have a feeling she might have a shock when she grows up and moves out if I don’t do a better job educating her.

Ella is 15!!!! Fgs 15!!!

Leave her alone! She’s being a bit boasty and immature.

You are a woman. Who is competing with a 15 year old, and you’re hearing these comments second hand from your daughter… who I suspect is trying to wind you up because she knows how obsessed her mum is about keeping up with jones

So you wouldn't mind a child putting your daughter down over money as long as she was actually rich?

I agree with this. Kids get strange ideas about things. My son thinks his friend is loaded because he has a pool table in his shed. It doesn't bother my in the slightest (plus I have no idea, nor any desire to know, about his friends parents finances)

Accuracy matters and your dd is currently misinformed. You should correct that.

Questions OP, you said dd was last to join an exiting friendship group. Is this a recent joining of the group? Is there a reason dd was last to join - a new school or whatever?

It sounds like maybe Ella is put out / feels threatened by dd joining. So is trying to put her in her place by crassly pointing out her parents wealth. Which maybe the only way she feels she has an advantage.

Your dd, if she feels maybe not completely part of the group as relatively new, may be taking Ella's bragging at face value. Rather than also considering the luxuries that she has experienced in life.

Maybe that is an avenue to explore with dd - why she feels Ella thinks she is entitled to assume she is from a wealthier family (truth is no one knows). And also why it even matters if she is better off.