Perceptions of wealth

[TeenLifeMum]

This is a bit of an odd one and I’m not sure why it bothers me, but it does. I am unsure how to approach it.

dd2 (we have 3dds) is part of a friend group that she was the last to join. All lovely except one, Ella, who seems threatened by dd and puts her down when others don’t hear. Dd ignores this as she doesn’t want to lose the rest of the group and this girl isn’t always there anyway so it’s fine. The issue I have is that dd has a perception that Ella’s family is loaded.

I’d say they’re comfortable and similar to us but dd seems to think we’re really poor by comparison. I think it’s how her parents speak and she repeats. Example being, dd might say “oh my dad works for the council” but Ella will say “my mum is very important at the council” - dh is significantly senior to her in the same organisation but it doesn’t feel right to correct it or we could sound petty.

Ella went on about their holiday to Greece, like us, but she would have had a different experience as they were in a 5 hotel. Dd had no clue what hotel we went to (it was 5*) so thinks “wow, Ella’s family is rich”.

They have brand new cars - Tesla as Range Rover. They’re both leased. We buy 3 year old cars cash and take care of them. We have fairly new VW and Fiat 500. We like our cars and morally wouldn’t buy a Tesla.

I think dh expressed it best when he said, we’re really not people who compare or do the whole keeping up with the jones’ but DD’s comments are annoying because she seems to be totally blind to the life she’s had. She’s been to 11 states in the USA, Canada twice, many European holidays, amazing hotels, theatre trips, concerts and festivals, we live in a 4 bed home with a lovely garden, yet you’d think she grew up in poverty.

I think I have to let things ride out and she’ll figure it out herself because I can’t think how to explain without sounding petty.

Do you really think teaching a teenager to say to another "well my dad is actually your mum's boss" is a good way to improve these behaviours from both sides? Nasty little snobby response that would be.

I think your daughter needs to start learning the value of money pronto.

My kids are very privileged. Private school, big house etc. but they work (we live on a farm so appreciate they have opportunities). DS wants to go on a rugby tour that will cost 4K in 2 years. He has planned out how to earn 2k and we will cover the rest. He spent 6 hour working today to start saving.

Wr also had caravan holidays whilst they were growing up. As my husband put it if you start them on 5* hotels expectations are only going one way!!

mine won’t but a costa because they know they have to work for half an hour rolling a field.

And how do you even know the cars are leased?!

I don’t have a competition. Dd comes home upset about the latest put down and I don’t really know how to respond. If it was one of our wealthy friends I’d probably just say “yeah their parents own a company and have more than us” shrug. This is weird because a 15 year old is being competitive when we’re pretty much on a level playing field.

You said that what you are “struggling with” is your DD going on about the fabulous things her friend affords

This is weird because a 15 year old is being competitive when we’re pretty much on a level playing field.

OMG @TeenLifeMum this is toe curling

My DD also has a friend similar who has treated to drag dd by her african hair (dd is half jamican) anyway we just ignore it enjoy our holidays and carry on DD also thinks shes had a hard life,shes far from and is also 12!

Try teaching your child not to judge people (herself and you/DH included) by what material things they have, and how to stand up for herself when people are rude to her (about anything, GCSE comment being the only actually bad example you've given) rather than trying to think of clever ways to get your daughter to tell this other child that she's poorer than she thinks.

Exactly 😂
You're not on a "level playing field", you're an adult and she's a child ffs.

We’ve done caravan holidays in Europe - brilliant when dc were little. The 5 star was when I thought it was our last family holiday with dd1 (adult) so I treated us.

i know the cars are leased because we know the parents - dh works with the mum and she was very open about not wanting to own a depreciating item like a car. Totally their choice.

I think you’ve got the nail on the head and helped answer my question. It bothers me that dd has not grasped the value of money. She does have a job so maybe that will help as that’s new.

Genuinely surprised when you mentioned GCSEs because I was picturing 7 year olds. You’re doing your dd a disservice not to talk about money at home, the spending decisions you make, different financial choices. Even if it wasn’t through this friend, she’ll be massively overexposed to the flashy version of apparent wealth bolstered by credit card debt through media and social media.

You might need to put a bit of work in on the social and empathetic side of things if you’re afraid of what dd will do with the information that Ella is making a massive tit of herself. But don’t shield her from financial wisdom.

@TeenLifeMum i actually think it’s really hard to learn the value of money as teens these days but along with how to debate well, resilience and cooking, is one of the most important things you can teach as a parent!

So now she's only been to one 5☆ hotel, on a special occasion? Your OP said "She’s been to 11 states in the USA, Canada twice, many European holidays, amazing hotels, theatre trips, concerts and festivals". Didn't exactly sound like slumming it in Eurocamp tbh.

I don't think this is an issue. My dc will often talk about how ‘lucky’ their friends are or perceive their friends to be better off. It's true in some cases, not in others - I just remind them that their life isn't too shabby and say the only thing worth being rich in is love.

It kind of sounds like you're irked that you are better off than them but not getting the recognition for it tbh. But if it's really that you think you're dd is unappreciative of what she has, then that's something to work on with her. Maybe instead of pointing out you're richer than her friend, get her to volunteer with people who are really struggling so she can see just how fortunate she is.

🙄
I’m not having these conversations with a 15 year old. Dd is 15 and coming home saying stuff that is slightly baffling. We have similar lives yet to listen to dd you’d think she grew up in poverty compared to someone who lives a pretty similar standard of living.

oh and I do get how it could be taken the wrong way however there’s some helpful posts helping me work out what’s bugging me about the situation.

You just laugh and say ‘Don’t give it another thought, sweetheart’, or ‘The bailiffs will start by repossessing your bedroom TV’. You don’t start listing how many stars your last holiday hotel had.

This.

Eldest DC (when it was just him and we had endless time and disposable income, ahhh...) went on serious holidays and life experiences. Front row seats, suites, etc.

He wouldn't have known any different at the time, because 7yr olds don't compare the standard of holidays, but by at least 12-13, he had a very good idea that it was top end. At GCSE age, to come whining to me that his mate was going on 5 star holidays, but with no comprehension of his absolute privilege of the same or better in context, would just not be a thing.

Ella is a boaster, it seems. But you need to work out why your DD is so invested in the "rich life" of Ella, so unaware of what should be glaringly obvious similarities and why you are so bothered by it.

"to listen to dd you’d think she grew up in poverty"

she's a bit spoiled then probably, as is her friend. Maybe remind her that neither she or Ella has any money and even if they did, it's pretty gross for anyone to fixate on someone else's bank account (or indeed on their own)

European holidays were eurocamp - highly recommend - when little. USA and Canada were a mix of hotels, Airbnb and visiting family. Nice hotels for weekends in London etc but I don’t know what star they are.

yes this is what’s bugging me. I think she is spoilt but other 2 are seemingly more aware of their privilege. I think Ella has highlighted that for us. Dh and I also didn’t grow up well off. I really appreciate what we have so I guess I’m frustrated dd doesn’t.

I don't understand how this is casing your DD to be upset?

It isn’t

The only person upset is the Op

It sounds like you are struggling to cope with the fact that this others girls parents are wealthier than you. Honestly, this is a parenting issue. You need to teach your dd about her own privilege and tell her to stop behaving so spoilt. .

Oh right, sorry it sounded from your first few posts that you were annoyed that Ella was bragging about her family's wealth when actually you think her family are only about as wealthy as you. It also sounded like you wouldn't mind as much if Ella was actually rich.

Now I see that you're now worried about your own child being spoiled and having no perception of her own privilege. Not about Ella at all. Might be worth a new post, perhaps on the parenting boards, about how to make your children realise the value of money / not fixate on materialism.

I think all the focus on nice/amazing hotels in Greece, Ella's mums car's financing, and your husband's work hierarchy rather diluted the actual question.

You sound just as obsessed with comparisons.

It’s sounds like it bothers you more than your daughter to be honest.