My 3 year olds language and behaviour is really concerning

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i’m honestly exhausted and don’t really know what i’m expecting people to say. ds is 3 and 8 months and he left his old nursery in July to start school nursery in September and since then everything seems to be getting worse. He’s hitting, pushing, scratching, throwing things, running away when he’s told no, taking his nappy off and coming out with things that make me just stare at him because i have no idea where he’s got them from. I’m dealing with it all day and by the evening i’m just completely done.

Before July he was difficult but difficult in a normal 3 year old way. He had tantrums, shouted, didn’t like sharing and could push if he was cross but he was also affectionate and funny and could play nicely. This has really only been like this since July so i don’t think it’s SEN because surely if it was something like that he would have always been like this? It feels like something has changed rather than this being how he’s always been. His old nursery never raised anything like this with me and he was there until July, so i keep thinking something must have changed.

He’s still in nappies. I tried potty training in August and it was a complete failure so i stopped because i couldn’t cope with another battle. Since July he’s started taking his nappy off constantly. He’ll pull it off and throw it across his bedroom, wee on the floor and then laugh when i ask him why he’s done it. He sometimes takes all his clothes off as well and runs around naked refusing to get dressed. At school nursery he’s pulled his trousers and nappy down during free play and apparently tried to get another child to take theirs off too. He thinks it’s hilarious when i tell him to stop and doesn’t seem embarrassed at all.

The things he says are getting worse too. He says “i’m gonna kill you”, “i hate you”, “you’re dead”, “shut up you stupid bitch”, “fuck off you idiot” and “you fucking bastard”. He’ll say “you’re a fucking dickhead” if i take something away and “what the fuck are you doing” if i tell him to stop something. He doesn’t even say them properly sometimes, it’s more like he’s repeating phrases he’s heard without knowing what half of them mean. I don’t use this language at all, let alone around him. I don’t swear at him or talk about adult things around him so i genuinely don’t know where he’s getting it from.

Sometimes he’ll just repeat a phrase over and over even though he clearly doesn’t understand it. I’ve asked him what “i’m gonna kill you” means and he just says “kill you” back and laughs. He has apparently said to a nursery child “fuck off you little shit” because they wouldn’t give him a toy. Another time he told a member of staff “i’m going to fucking smash your face in”. I honestly don’t know where a 3 year old even learns to put words together like that. If i ask him where he heard something he either says “nursery” or starts laughing and changes the subject.

His behaviour generally is awful at the moment. He’ll throw his food on the floor, tip drinks over deliberately, spit, scream, kick doors, throw toys at the wall and hit me when i try to stop him. He has started biting himself when he’s angry and banging his head against the sofa. If i tell him no he’ll sometimes run into another room and start pulling things off shelves. He can be playing perfectly happily and then suddenly hit dd because she touched something he wanted. He doesn’t seem to think about what he’s doing at all until afterwards and sometimes he just laughs when i’ve told him someone is hurt. He’ll also deliberately do things i’ve just told him not to do and then watch my face to see what i do.

dd is 1 and 2 months and i’m finding that the hardest part. He can be lovely with her and then suddenly push her over, grab her arm, pull toys away from her or shout right in her face. Once he pushed her backwards and she hit her head on the floor and another time he put a cushion over her while she was lying down. I pulled it away straight away and she was fine but it scared me. He has also thrown toys at her, kicked her toys into her and once squeezed her face when she was crying. I don’t think he was trying to seriously hurt her but i can’t take the risk so i don’t leave them alone together anymore. I’m constantly watching him when he’s near her and it’s exhausting.

Nursery are seeing the same sort of thing. He’s hitting and pushing other children, scratching, grabbing toys, throwing toys at people and running away from staff. He’s apparently knocked a child over deliberately and scratched another child. He refuses to sit down when asked, shouts over adults, climbs on furniture, empties boxes of toys onto the floor and sometimes just runs around the room screaming. They’ve told me he’s had to be taken away from other children because he was trying to hit them. He’s also apparently told another child “i’m going to fucking kill you” which obviously made me feel even worse. They’ve now asked me to come in and talk about it because they’re concerned about how much it’s happening.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like i’m saying “don’t hit”, “don’t throw”, “get dressed”, “leave her alone”, “use nice words”, “don’t take your nappy off” about a hundred times a day and none of it is sinking in. I’m not saying he’s a horrible child because he isn’t. He’s my little boy and i love him, but i’m finding his behaviour really difficult to cope with now and i’m worried about what happens if he carries on like this at nursery.

I haven’t spoken to the GP yet because i don’t even know what i’d say without sounding ridiculous. I keep thinking maybe i’m making a big thing out of normal toddler behaviour but then nursery tell me he’s hurt another child and i think no, this isn’t normal for him. It’s only really been this way since July, when he left his old nursery, and that’s why i don’t think it’s something he’s always had. I just don’t know what i’m supposed to do with him.

Nursery want to meet me tomorrow and i’m dreading it because i don’t know what they’re going to say or what i’m supposed to ask them for. Do i ask for an urgent referral somewhere? I don’t even know where i’d be referred to or whether they’d just laugh at me because he’s three. Do i ask the GP, nursery SENCO or someone else? I don’t want him being labelled as the naughty child when he’s only just started but i also can’t keep pretending everything is fine when he’s hurting dd, hurting other children and saying things like “i’m gonna fucking kill you” all day. Has anyone had a child suddenly change like this around 3/4? I’m so tired and honestly don’t know what to do next and I’m worried they’ll refer to social services if this carries on because it is concerning

I’m gonna kill you
I hate you
You’re dead
Shut up you stupid bitch
Fuck off you idiot
You fucking bastard
You’re a fucking dickhead
What the fuck are you doing
Fuck off you little shit
I’m going to fucking smash your face in

You seriously think that he could have picked this language up from nursery?

If he definitely hasn't been picking the language up outside nursery, then he has heard it from a child in nursery. If that is the case, the nursery will know. My son came home from nursery, age 3, and said a phrase that was really horrible and racist. I asked him where he had heard it and he told me which boy had said it. I rang up the nursery that day and they were not surprised when I told them who it was. You might be able to find out more about this at the meeting.

If I was in your situation, and he definitely wasn't getting this language from home, I would take my child out of nursery as he clearly isn't happy there. Are there any online parenting courses available? Nearly everyone I know has gone to puppy training classes and puppies are a lot more straightforward than humans.

This is very concerning and you must be worried op.
If you are absolutely certain he has not watched anything at all with this language, hasn’t got it from you then you must consider that it’s from another caregiver. I would not be letting him out of my site. He has had upheaval- his dad has left and a new baby. These are massive events for a young child and help to explain the tantrums etc but the language is very concerning.

This language is 100% from a screen. No more device/ipad time unless you are sitting right next to him the whole time.
It is terrible for development in such a young child regardless of language anyway.
Get rid of the device and I guarantee you’ll see a big difference

He TOLD her he learnt it at nursery. And if there aren't any adults in his life outside nursery who would use language like that around kids and he's not being allowed to watch violent and sweary TV shows or anything, it must be true. Either there's at least one kid there who comes from a very bad home where adults do speak to kids like that (trust me, they exist) or there are abusive staff who are swearing and threatening violence etc when three year olds are a bit naughty. OP made it clear all the behaviour started after he switched nurseries. Something there is disturbing and frightening him. Maybe a kid at nursery is threatening to smash his face in if he touches their toy, or actually hitting him. He's copying something he's seeing. He's reacting to anything that makes him feel a bit upset or anxious the same way he's watching someone else react. And repeating what he's hearing (without really understanding the meanings). It's very clearly something about the nursery.

He definitely could have picked it up from nursery. Some children hear that stuff at home and some hear it from the internet. It isn't common but it isn't uncommon either.

The language has been picked up from people he sees lile family, parents and friends or the TV or phones/tablets. They don't figure it out themsleves.
It seems lile the shift to school Nursery triggered it you ssid above. So maybe he needs to be removed and put back into the old nursery or remain at home for a year to see if the behaviours can be changed and identify whats going on.
Remove TV and free reign to media. Don't leave unsupervised with peopoe you know who curse and show negative behaviour.

Anyone child can but also equally himself coupled with the lashing out he has been diaturbed by someone or something (media) at home, famoly, social life etc.

If it was another child the Nursery would say and warn other parents. And nipt it in the bud with the offending child and their parents. Why wouod they allow that to carry on?

First things first stop calling him a toddler, that’s putting him nearer in age to his baby sister when he’s nearly 4.

I doubt he was well behaved before and this is sudden. I think it’s more likely that you snd the old nursery made allowances for him and the new nursery are (quite rightly) not allowing it and expecting his behaviour to be like other children his age.

Why was he potty trained /attempted to so late?

Some four year olds do speak like that. Because their parents or other adults in their lives speak like that, or because they mix with other kids whose parents speak to them like that.

Some naice middle class mumsnetters haven't got a clue just how bad some families are.

The language is the most sinister thing as it has come from somewhere that you don’t know. Who is your DD dad if you’re not with DS dad anymore?
otherwise it’s screens or a rogue child or staff member at nursery - the managers might not know if it was a sneaky mean staff member, every nappy change being horrible to him maybe.
Do you know other mums from both nurseries you could ask if they’ve heard of anything similar?

I taught in a school nursery 3-4 year olds. Some very boisterous play with feelings running high, never ever heard any of those words from boys or girls.
He has to have heard those words from someone or somewhere.

He's using the language in the correct context (so he's using 'angry' phrases like 'I'm gonna kill you' when he's thwarted or upset not randomly)? Then he's definitely got them from somewhere where he has experienced or heard them being used in context.

It's not TV, is it? I know it seems unlikely but is there any chance he's creeping downstairs when you're watching TV alone and you're not seeing? I used to do this myself when I was small - I didn't sleep a lot and I'd tiptoe down to hide behind a chair when my parents were watching TV and then creep back - they never knew I was there (although I did get caught occasionally). I never saw or heard anything worse than Steptoe and Son, but it might be a possibility?

I’m gonna kill you
I hate you
You’re dead
Shut up you stupid bitch
Fuck off you idiot
You fucking bastard
You’re a fucking dickhead
What the fuck are you doing
Fuck off you little shit
I’m going to fucking smash your face in

I have a current three year old, who has two older siblings. My eldest might occaisonally say something like 'I hate you, it's so unfair' if being told off. Despite this, my 3 year old has NEVER said anything even remotely similar to anything on the list. She is completely innocent.

I'm sorry but I don't belive you for 1 moment that he has never been exposed to anything untoward and you have no idea where it's come from. I think you know exactly where he has heard it. You need to be honest with yourself, if it's coming from you or your partner then you need to get help as your poor child is being corrupted. If you genuinely didn't know then it's coming from nursery and you need to ring the police.

This especially: 'Fuck off you little shit' someone has said this to him, and I doubt it was a nursery worker in full view of colleagues. Was it you?

Why everyone is so quick to jump to not blame the nursery I wonder? This change happened with a move to the school nursery. There literally have been 2 cases recently with nursery staff abusing children (and one very well established reputable nursery).

Yes I think he could.
you think a nursery worker is never ever alone with the children? A worker maybe SHOULDN’T be alone but you are 100% sure ?

She said she split with her sons dad when she was pregnant with DD so presumably he is the father of both children.

Didn’t op say it started in July? He left the old nursery in July but didn’t start the school pre-school until September (school attached nurseries only run in term times).

That suggests it isn’t the nursery causing it.

Also I would say if he is using these phrases in anger (the way they are designed to be used, not just copying an interesting new word) then he is not only being exposed to the swearing, he is being exposed to someones anger and aggression and that is probably why is is acting out

It isn't impossible he’s picked it up from a child a nursery who is constantly exposed to this kind of language. There are some truly awful parents out there who speak to their kids like this, or speak to other adults like this around their kids.

His behaviour significantly got worse in July, when he left his old nursery. Don't underestimate how much of a big change that is for a child.

The language he is using and the way he is using it, suggests that he has been exposed to that language a LOT. More than just hearing it on the bus.

So, it could be from adjusting to changing nurseries, and now the language he was exposed to is coming out in addition to his behaviour.

Or, he around, the same time he left nursery, something has happened to him.

This sounds really tough for you. If his new nursery staff want to meet with you that’s a good thing as together you can make a plan.
Are you in the Uk?
If so, you can call your health visiting team and request a health needs assessment. They can support you with his toiletting and behavioural difficulties.
you can also self refer to Early Help online for some support at home.
You could consider giving consent for new nursery staff to contact old nursery if helpful.
Your son said he learnt the words at nursery so that is likely true.
Try to think of today’s meeting as a positive move to make a plan together. Be honest with the staff and say you’re struggling and would like support.
Good luck

He left his old nursery in July and stayed home with her in the summer, which is when the behaviour began. He has only started the new nursery in September and they have raised concerns about his behaviour since starting.

So he may have learned these words at nursery, if so, it would be from the old nursery.

I just wanted to express support OP. It’s clearly not normal and your little one is telling you through his behaviour that something is very wrong. I hope your nursery can provide good advice. If not, and if you still have a health visitor or a baby clinic you can go to with DD, try asking them too. As a single parent it’s hard even to research how to get help I know, so do keep going and he is still so little, he can be helped.