My 3 year olds language and behaviour is really concerning

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i’m honestly exhausted and don’t really know what i’m expecting people to say. ds is 3 and 8 months and he left his old nursery in July to start school nursery in September and since then everything seems to be getting worse. He’s hitting, pushing, scratching, throwing things, running away when he’s told no, taking his nappy off and coming out with things that make me just stare at him because i have no idea where he’s got them from. I’m dealing with it all day and by the evening i’m just completely done.

Before July he was difficult but difficult in a normal 3 year old way. He had tantrums, shouted, didn’t like sharing and could push if he was cross but he was also affectionate and funny and could play nicely. This has really only been like this since July so i don’t think it’s SEN because surely if it was something like that he would have always been like this? It feels like something has changed rather than this being how he’s always been. His old nursery never raised anything like this with me and he was there until July, so i keep thinking something must have changed.

He’s still in nappies. I tried potty training in August and it was a complete failure so i stopped because i couldn’t cope with another battle. Since July he’s started taking his nappy off constantly. He’ll pull it off and throw it across his bedroom, wee on the floor and then laugh when i ask him why he’s done it. He sometimes takes all his clothes off as well and runs around naked refusing to get dressed. At school nursery he’s pulled his trousers and nappy down during free play and apparently tried to get another child to take theirs off too. He thinks it’s hilarious when i tell him to stop and doesn’t seem embarrassed at all.

The things he says are getting worse too. He says “i’m gonna kill you”, “i hate you”, “you’re dead”, “shut up you stupid bitch”, “fuck off you idiot” and “you fucking bastard”. He’ll say “you’re a fucking dickhead” if i take something away and “what the fuck are you doing” if i tell him to stop something. He doesn’t even say them properly sometimes, it’s more like he’s repeating phrases he’s heard without knowing what half of them mean. I don’t use this language at all, let alone around him. I don’t swear at him or talk about adult things around him so i genuinely don’t know where he’s getting it from.

Sometimes he’ll just repeat a phrase over and over even though he clearly doesn’t understand it. I’ve asked him what “i’m gonna kill you” means and he just says “kill you” back and laughs. He has apparently said to a nursery child “fuck off you little shit” because they wouldn’t give him a toy. Another time he told a member of staff “i’m going to fucking smash your face in”. I honestly don’t know where a 3 year old even learns to put words together like that. If i ask him where he heard something he either says “nursery” or starts laughing and changes the subject.

His behaviour generally is awful at the moment. He’ll throw his food on the floor, tip drinks over deliberately, spit, scream, kick doors, throw toys at the wall and hit me when i try to stop him. He has started biting himself when he’s angry and banging his head against the sofa. If i tell him no he’ll sometimes run into another room and start pulling things off shelves. He can be playing perfectly happily and then suddenly hit dd because she touched something he wanted. He doesn’t seem to think about what he’s doing at all until afterwards and sometimes he just laughs when i’ve told him someone is hurt. He’ll also deliberately do things i’ve just told him not to do and then watch my face to see what i do.

dd is 1 and 2 months and i’m finding that the hardest part. He can be lovely with her and then suddenly push her over, grab her arm, pull toys away from her or shout right in her face. Once he pushed her backwards and she hit her head on the floor and another time he put a cushion over her while she was lying down. I pulled it away straight away and she was fine but it scared me. He has also thrown toys at her, kicked her toys into her and once squeezed her face when she was crying. I don’t think he was trying to seriously hurt her but i can’t take the risk so i don’t leave them alone together anymore. I’m constantly watching him when he’s near her and it’s exhausting.

Nursery are seeing the same sort of thing. He’s hitting and pushing other children, scratching, grabbing toys, throwing toys at people and running away from staff. He’s apparently knocked a child over deliberately and scratched another child. He refuses to sit down when asked, shouts over adults, climbs on furniture, empties boxes of toys onto the floor and sometimes just runs around the room screaming. They’ve told me he’s had to be taken away from other children because he was trying to hit them. He’s also apparently told another child “i’m going to fucking kill you” which obviously made me feel even worse. They’ve now asked me to come in and talk about it because they’re concerned about how much it’s happening.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like i’m saying “don’t hit”, “don’t throw”, “get dressed”, “leave her alone”, “use nice words”, “don’t take your nappy off” about a hundred times a day and none of it is sinking in. I’m not saying he’s a horrible child because he isn’t. He’s my little boy and i love him, but i’m finding his behaviour really difficult to cope with now and i’m worried about what happens if he carries on like this at nursery.

I haven’t spoken to the GP yet because i don’t even know what i’d say without sounding ridiculous. I keep thinking maybe i’m making a big thing out of normal toddler behaviour but then nursery tell me he’s hurt another child and i think no, this isn’t normal for him. It’s only really been this way since July, when he left his old nursery, and that’s why i don’t think it’s something he’s always had. I just don’t know what i’m supposed to do with him.

Nursery want to meet me tomorrow and i’m dreading it because i don’t know what they’re going to say or what i’m supposed to ask them for. Do i ask for an urgent referral somewhere? I don’t even know where i’d be referred to or whether they’d just laugh at me because he’s three. Do i ask the GP, nursery SENCO or someone else? I don’t want him being labelled as the naughty child when he’s only just started but i also can’t keep pretending everything is fine when he’s hurting dd, hurting other children and saying things like “i’m gonna fucking kill you” all day. Has anyone had a child suddenly change like this around 3/4? I’m so tired and honestly don’t know what to do next and I’m worried they’ll refer to social services if this carries on because it is concerning

You need support OP. As others have said he’s learnt this from someone and been exposed to this language and behaviour enough to be repeating it. Get an appointment with you HV or GP and ask for help

I found this a really hard and worrying read. Firstly, I am sorry that you're going through this alone.

Secondly, let's be straight about this: the language he's picking up is that of a child that is either subject to abuse or witnessing abuse. This might be him or another child at nursery.

I am surprised by your school's response. At mine, even a "shut up" gets a yellow form.

As others have said, I think you need to (a) have a productive conversation with school, (b) find out from other parents in his year if they are struggling with the same, (c) do a deep dive into who spends time with him: do you have visitors, grandparents helping, someone who walks him home from school? Look at absolutely everyone. (d) I would absolutely mention to school that it got worse since he started there and ask if they have witnessed similar behaviours from other children.

I'm afraid you'll also have to put your big girl pants on and train potty train him. Whilst it's understandable, it's not acceptable to give up because you couldn't face the battle. Most of us crawl around wiping up pee and poo for days if not weeks during potty training so get on with it. You're the parent, you make the rules - not him.

OP, I would definitely contact your GP and try to get your child assessed. I'm a primary school teacher and we have a wee boy in P2 (Yr 1 in England) who uses language like this. He especially can't cope with transitions. When he comes into school or it's home time he swears, kicks, bites and gets very volatile (as well as other stages during the school day). He was more unsettled in P1. He hurts members of staff regularly as well as his parents and grandparents. His parents are lovely and obviously very stressed about his behaviour. He now has a classroom assistant and a diagnosis. This extreme behaviour could be an indication of something else going on. It's not your fault and you and your child need help and support.

I think the best thing to do is go to the meeting with nursery and just listen to them and explain that you are as keen as they are to find out where this is coming from and make it stop.

Also, do you have a local children’s centre or something like that? I had no idea they existed tbh but have found mine so useful for advice and free activities since having my toddler. They run parenting courses too (some with a crèche apparently) so have a google and see what help is on offer. Your daughter will have a HV too and while some are useless they aren’t all. You sound so alone with this so I think find all the support you can ❤️

How awful. I hope you get to the bottom of what’s going on because as others have said, he’s hearing all of this somewhere. Screen time should be zero for a child this age!

Still in nappies at 3 years and 8 months/??

Of course the child could have learnt this type of language from nursery. If the OP is saying it's not from home, and he isn't exposed to other people enough outside of nursery to have learnt it, then where else? Yes, it could have been a screen, so the OP needs to check parental controls on any devices and internet settings.

These phrases have been learnt, from being repeatedly heard, over a period of time. It could be coming from another child within the nursery setting or an adult working at the nursery. No one wants to think about adult, who's job is to look after very young children, is rouge, but sadly it does happen. Or that another child at nursery, may be being exposed to such awful language, at home but again, yes it happens.

A nursery worker, teacher, doctor, police person etc all have positions of trust but they're human like everyone else! They're not messiah's to be excluded from the possibility of doing awful things! A DBS check, is a basic check that looks into a person's background and any adult that person lives with, to see if there's any concerns. If nothing is flagged up, the clearance will be given. It doesn't mean that person isn't capable of abuse, or hasn't abused (they've just never been caught) or is honest.

You need to hear what the nursery have to say OP. However, your child is behaving badly for a reason, all behaviour is communication. Yes, your child might be unsettled from changing nursery, that would be expected. Personally, I found 2.5-3.5 more challenging with my son than aged 2, boundaries were pushed because he understood more. My son wasn't toilet trained until 3.5 years old, it took a week, 1 accident at preschool and he was dry at night not long after too. I think you need to get advice from your GP surgery, because your son's behaviour isn't normal.

Just a thought but do you have noisy neighbours who argue and fight and he hears this at night? Does he ever go to grandparents or similar?
My DD learned some pretty bad words at school from one boy, and we did flag to the school and importantly she never used them herself - unlikely he’d have learned all those phrases from another child though I’d suggest.
My DS was a slow learner with potty training and was 3, he eventually got it.
Hope the meeting is constructive.

Your DS has heard these sentences over and over again to be able to repeat/remember them word for word and also in context . You need to think harder who it could be.

Some of the replies and advice on here are unbelievable and unhelpful.
OP - you could get some advice from your local SENDIAS service. Most have a telephone helpline. They can signpost you to further support. The behaviour described does sound extreme and while you may not feel your son has SEND- it does sound as though he is going to need more support and supervision than others his age ( certainly in the short term) and so this does come under SEND.
Social care are there to support families (despite being depicted as a bunch of child catchers at times) and they may have courses or other support you can access - so if this is suggested- please be willing to explore that.
You’ve been brave posting here and please be brave and honest with nursery about how worried you are. At this point, nursery may suggest trying to get an EHCP in time for school to ensure extra support is available for your son and his school if needed.

Glad I’m not your child. Jesus.

I think YouTube is probably the root of the language and you could just not let him watch anything beyond CBeebies for a bit and see if it fades away.

So sorry you are going through this. Nursery will want to find out whether there is abuse at home. Your job is to try and find out whether there is an abuse at nursery.

I am familiar with a case where an autistic boy was repeating phrases like this. Sadly, they came from a care worker. I think you need to raise concerns with nursery so they can investigate.

None of this is normal and is extremely concerning.

I would start by trying to figure out where he’s learning this language from. Any adult speaking around a child like this is concerning, and this must be coming from an adult somewhere,
somehow? I hope your child is ok. I would take this very seriously. It could be coming from the new nursery, or from someone who watches your child.

Another child at nursery who’s getting it from home maybe?

At best they’ll ring the nursery and they’ll be told there’s a badly behaved child who swears, they’ve had to set up meeting with parents as he’s physically abusive to other children and they have concerns about his behaviour. The school will then outline what support they’ve tried to put into place. Ofsted will say thank you and put down the phone. They’ll check the LA has no safeguarding concerns and then close the complaint.

Ofsted will only do this if the complainant can show they’ve followed all local routes first of all, if they haven’t they’ll be told to. There will be no team of inspectors sweeping in because a child swears and his mum finds him difficult to manage.

I imagine a combo of SEN (I say this as a parent to autistic 5 year old and this all sounds like my son except the bad language) and having heard caregivers talk like this

My initial thoughts would be his dad talking like this. Sorry if I missed it but does he have any older siblings? Any grandparents that look after him? I really really doubt nursery staff are saying it because parents would soon realise when all the kids are coming home saying these things but it’s not impossible , just improbable.

Why is it always the nursery to blame?? Anyway I work in a nursery and have done for 20 years get him to your Dr he needs assessed asap. If he was in my nursery he would be on a support plan and a referral for a child psychologist to come out and see him would 100% getting done. I am going through this with an extremely violent and vicious 3 year old just now

I dont6have any advice but some solidarity. My little boy is nearly five and for the last few months he has been similar, uses the f word a lot, big emotions and violent outburst when angry. I've no advice, we are working with school to get him under control and he is starting to settle a bit. It has really hampered his start to school and he isnon reduced hours until he settles down. He's not a bad kid in general, just when angry he completely loses it.

Kids pick up language from anywhere. If he has access to YouTube (no judgement here it's survival mode with two small kids) then maybe monitor that as there's a lot of AI 'cartoons' that aren't really suitable and can be a bit inappropriate. Are there any other adults/kids he could be picking ut up from when at his dad's? Maybe highlight to him what's going on so he can be more careful who he is around there. If he's doing wraparound at the achool nursery he could be picking it up there or like you say, even the bus.

Other than that, good luck!

He's nearly 4, still in nappies and displaying behaviour like this and you don't think it's SEN?....SEN is a huge umbrella of things all put under one name. You're doing him no favours not getting him checked over for it.
If you think it's his nursery, change him in the new term.

If he only spends time with you and nursery, and he’s not hearing it with you, he’s hearing it at nursery and you should be throwing some heft behind blaming them, pulling him out and making complaints. You seem very passive in all this.

How does he know taking his nappy off is wrong? What are the consequences? Hearing it 100 times a day is just background noise? He’s not digesting that. What happens in the moment when he speaks to you like that or when he misbehaves? If he’s not motivated to be good because you ask and explain why his behaviours bad, then he needs to be motivated to be good because of the consequences that come with being bad.

I don’t use this language at all, let alone around him. I don’t swear at him or talk about adult things around him so i genuinely don’t know where he’s getting it from

Nobody is born with the ability to speak. Since his "circle" must be fairly small, it would be easy to work out where he learnt this.

He is hearing it from somewhere. You have to work out where. .

If not access to screens, or from yourself then he may well be hearing it at nursery. From the staff or from another child or parent.

He has got worse you say. Since he changed his nursery.
I might do unannounced visits to it.

His nappy situation needs attention. And he knows it. He wants to be clean.

I would seek some professional advice and help as others have said.

He must be being regularly exposed to language like this. I’ve dropped the odd swear around the kids, but they’ve never even really noticed much less then taken it and constructed sentences with it. My 4yo wouldn’t have a clue. We were on a train the other day with some young men effing and blinding and my 7yo didn’t even notice.

Someone is repeatedly using language like this and in context so he can formulate his own sentences. That’s very concerning. If he genuinely is only at nursery or with you then it has to be nursery, but I also think that would be very unlikely.

He has to have learnt this language from somewhere. And if it's not you, then where?
You need to be really racking your brain on this. If there is truly nowhere else but nursery, then you need to move him and report it.