My 3 year olds language and behaviour is really concerning

[adviceneededs]

i’m honestly exhausted and don’t really know what i’m expecting people to say. ds is 3 and 8 months and he left his old nursery in July to start school nursery in September and since then everything seems to be getting worse. He’s hitting, pushing, scratching, throwing things, running away when he’s told no, taking his nappy off and coming out with things that make me just stare at him because i have no idea where he’s got them from. I’m dealing with it all day and by the evening i’m just completely done.

Before July he was difficult but difficult in a normal 3 year old way. He had tantrums, shouted, didn’t like sharing and could push if he was cross but he was also affectionate and funny and could play nicely. This has really only been like this since July so i don’t think it’s SEN because surely if it was something like that he would have always been like this? It feels like something has changed rather than this being how he’s always been. His old nursery never raised anything like this with me and he was there until July, so i keep thinking something must have changed.

He’s still in nappies. I tried potty training in August and it was a complete failure so i stopped because i couldn’t cope with another battle. Since July he’s started taking his nappy off constantly. He’ll pull it off and throw it across his bedroom, wee on the floor and then laugh when i ask him why he’s done it. He sometimes takes all his clothes off as well and runs around naked refusing to get dressed. At school nursery he’s pulled his trousers and nappy down during free play and apparently tried to get another child to take theirs off too. He thinks it’s hilarious when i tell him to stop and doesn’t seem embarrassed at all.

The things he says are getting worse too. He says “i’m gonna kill you”, “i hate you”, “you’re dead”, “shut up you stupid bitch”, “fuck off you idiot” and “you fucking bastard”. He’ll say “you’re a fucking dickhead” if i take something away and “what the fuck are you doing” if i tell him to stop something. He doesn’t even say them properly sometimes, it’s more like he’s repeating phrases he’s heard without knowing what half of them mean. I don’t use this language at all, let alone around him. I don’t swear at him or talk about adult things around him so i genuinely don’t know where he’s getting it from.

Sometimes he’ll just repeat a phrase over and over even though he clearly doesn’t understand it. I’ve asked him what “i’m gonna kill you” means and he just says “kill you” back and laughs. He has apparently said to a nursery child “fuck off you little shit” because they wouldn’t give him a toy. Another time he told a member of staff “i’m going to fucking smash your face in”. I honestly don’t know where a 3 year old even learns to put words together like that. If i ask him where he heard something he either says “nursery” or starts laughing and changes the subject.

His behaviour generally is awful at the moment. He’ll throw his food on the floor, tip drinks over deliberately, spit, scream, kick doors, throw toys at the wall and hit me when i try to stop him. He has started biting himself when he’s angry and banging his head against the sofa. If i tell him no he’ll sometimes run into another room and start pulling things off shelves. He can be playing perfectly happily and then suddenly hit dd because she touched something he wanted. He doesn’t seem to think about what he’s doing at all until afterwards and sometimes he just laughs when i’ve told him someone is hurt. He’ll also deliberately do things i’ve just told him not to do and then watch my face to see what i do.

dd is 1 and 2 months and i’m finding that the hardest part. He can be lovely with her and then suddenly push her over, grab her arm, pull toys away from her or shout right in her face. Once he pushed her backwards and she hit her head on the floor and another time he put a cushion over her while she was lying down. I pulled it away straight away and she was fine but it scared me. He has also thrown toys at her, kicked her toys into her and once squeezed her face when she was crying. I don’t think he was trying to seriously hurt her but i can’t take the risk so i don’t leave them alone together anymore. I’m constantly watching him when he’s near her and it’s exhausting.

Nursery are seeing the same sort of thing. He’s hitting and pushing other children, scratching, grabbing toys, throwing toys at people and running away from staff. He’s apparently knocked a child over deliberately and scratched another child. He refuses to sit down when asked, shouts over adults, climbs on furniture, empties boxes of toys onto the floor and sometimes just runs around the room screaming. They’ve told me he’s had to be taken away from other children because he was trying to hit them. He’s also apparently told another child “i’m going to fucking kill you” which obviously made me feel even worse. They’ve now asked me to come in and talk about it because they’re concerned about how much it’s happening.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like i’m saying “don’t hit”, “don’t throw”, “get dressed”, “leave her alone”, “use nice words”, “don’t take your nappy off” about a hundred times a day and none of it is sinking in. I’m not saying he’s a horrible child because he isn’t. He’s my little boy and i love him, but i’m finding his behaviour really difficult to cope with now and i’m worried about what happens if he carries on like this at nursery.

I haven’t spoken to the GP yet because i don’t even know what i’d say without sounding ridiculous. I keep thinking maybe i’m making a big thing out of normal toddler behaviour but then nursery tell me he’s hurt another child and i think no, this isn’t normal for him. It’s only really been this way since July, when he left his old nursery, and that’s why i don’t think it’s something he’s always had. I just don’t know what i’m supposed to do with him.

Nursery want to meet me tomorrow and i’m dreading it because i don’t know what they’re going to say or what i’m supposed to ask them for. Do i ask for an urgent referral somewhere? I don’t even know where i’d be referred to or whether they’d just laugh at me because he’s three. Do i ask the GP, nursery SENCO or someone else? I don’t want him being labelled as the naughty child when he’s only just started but i also can’t keep pretending everything is fine when he’s hurting dd, hurting other children and saying things like “i’m gonna fucking kill you” all day. Has anyone had a child suddenly change like this around 3/4? I’m so tired and honestly don’t know what to do next and I’m worried they’ll refer to social services if this carries on because it is concerning

He has heard this language somewhere, quite possibly at his dad's place. I would be very concerned about what else he has been exposed to. His volatility and anger sound nothing like a typical tantrum for a 3-year-old. He seems to be expressing himself the only way he knows how and the behaviour may well escalate if you don't get to the bottom of what is wrong. Something is clearly going on with him and I would work very hard to find out exactly what that is.

I wouldn't place too much emphasis on his laughing inappropriately. That may be nervous laughter or a way to express emotion that he can't show in another way.

Although you absolutely must keep your DD and other children (and your dog) safe, and you need to teach him not to hit, etc., I don't think discipline alone is the answer. A happy, secure 3-year-old doesn't behave this way. I would look into professional help as a matter of urgency, starting with your GP.

We were going to nursery and by a road and I was conscious he could’ve easily ran into the road not that he ever has but it isn’t worth the risk. I can’t carry him home either when i have the pushchair

So did he not get any form of consequence?

It’s hard to give consequences when in public and not just out somewhere “fun” for him if it were a park or somewhere then yes we’d go home but we were on the way to nursery

It's really not. Millions of single moms in the world. You find a way. He clearly needs a lot of help to get his behavior in check. He is suffering and it will not be long until he is THAT child that no one likes or invites anywhere.

I do agree that immediate sanctions are more successful and that’s hard to do in that situation but I would have told him he would be losing his tablet/ missing his favourite tv program/ not going to the park after nursery or something! He’s got away with being incredibly badly behaved.

You need to find a way of making an immediate consequence. Maybe a behaviour jar where he gets balls in or out. Something to ask the school for advice on.

how did it go at the school?

Does anybody he spends any time with allow him to watch YouTube or similar? If he's not getting it from you, and it's unlikely he's getting it from nursery, the only place is social media or TV surely? You don't mention his Dad, does he spend time there? Spend any time with older cousins, relatives? He's hearing it from somewhere, the question is, where?

Did you speak with the nursery today? I thought they asked you to come in to talk?

I havent said it’s because im a single mum, if i was in a relationship and still just me out with the kids i’d still struggle with consequences especially when on the way to nursery near a road where theres plenty of busses and cars going past and then by the time ive dropped him off and picked him up then got home hours later he won’t relate the consequences to what happened before

I would ignore the parents getting her up over consequences. Consequences are important and have their place but I can guarantee you that no consequences that you could put in place would address your son's behaviour because it's very obvious that it goes deeper than that. It doesnt mean that he shouldn't ever face a consequence, but right now the focus should be on supporting his emotional regulation and identifying the root cause for the behaviours.

I wrote above that these issues seem to go far beyond discipline, but I also think you can't just ignore behaviour simply because you're out and about. I'm not a fan of punishments, but I believe strongly in having expectations of behaviour and lines that can never be crossed. Did you tell him clearly that his behaviour was unacceptable and that he may not speak to you that way? Or did you ignore how he acted/spoke and just concentrated on getting to nursery? The latter is definitely not the way to go. Most mums perfect The Look that shows a child when he/she has gone too far. Or a tone of voice that expresses how serious his action was and leaves him in no doubt that he must not do it again.

Respectfully you havent said he has memory issues so why would he not remember something that happened that very day if you said you not having x because you did y this morning

You do seem to make a lot of excuses for not stepping up and actually parenting.

How did the meeting go @adviceneededs ?

He’s nearly 4, he’s not a toddler. It’s important to distinguish him, in your mind and how you deal with him, from his very young, baby sister. Toddler makes it sound like he’s a lot younger than he is.
A child his age is able to understand a delayed consequence. So you won’t be watching x because you did this on the way to Nursery.

He doesnt have a tablet, the only screen time he gets is a film but he doesnt have that everyday and he doesnt watch the whole film anyway hes usually playing so theres not much to take away. I had already said no to the biscuit from greggs due to his behaviour. I told him it wasn’t acceptable but he just got more and more angry.

The meeting wasn’t especially productive they just told me what I already know about his behaviour. They said about how he can go from being quite settled to very angry very quickly and that he refuses to join in certain activities and will sometimes shout over staff and do the opposite of what he’s asked

They said his language is becoming increasingly concerning and asked if I knew where it has come from and i said no, I dont use any of it at home and the only other place he goes apart from nursery is to see his dad but not regularly ant not for a while but I don’t know if they believed me tbh

They said they’re concerned about him pulling his joggers down and taking his nappy off in the classroom and trying to get others to copy. I said taking the nappy off is the same at home but a relatively new thing but potty training was a fail (which they know) but they said when he does it he is asked if he needs the toilet and he screams no at them but when he’s taking the nappy off he doesn’t seem upset or distressed in any way

They said they’re going to speak to the early years at the school and sen support to see what they can do and keep recording the incidents to see if there’s a pattern and that we’ll have another conversation in a few weeks

Hes already hit his sister twice since being home and not responding when I put him on the naughty step and screamed at me because I wouldnt let him take his nappy off , i don’t know what to do with him his behaviour is exhausting and i feel like always counting down the minutes to bedtime

You really need to seek help asap, OP. This is extreme behaviour. Don’t try to deal with it on your own. Call your HV and tell them you need urgent assistance. Speak to nursery and see what they can do to support you. But you need to do something and do it quickly.

A 3yo telling his parent to fuck off is really shocking. The violent language and behaviour is coming from somewhere. I very much doubt it’s nursery which means it can only be his father. You may need to have a difficult conversation and involve social work.

I also think that nursery should have raised this themselves as a safeguarding concern with the relevant authorities. A child that age using violent and threatening language and the undressing and trying to coerce others to do so is a massive safeguarding red flag and they should have a process to follow.

With the nappy removing, I honestly would not make a big deal about that, I’d just take it as an opportunity to keep taking him to the toilet? He obviously doesn’t like it…

He has learnt those words from someone.
there must be someone else looking after him…..

You should retry toilet training. Taking his nappy off is a good sign. Don’t put one back on and offer an amazing reward every time he sits on the toilet whatever he does or doesn’t do. Just keep doing that. No battle needed.

Seriously reconsider who else is looking after him as it’s not normal he knows this sort of vocabulary.

It’s clearly his dad if he’s the only other person involved.
you need to stop contact to be honest…

What makes you so sure he's not being threatened in nursery? It could be the staff - nursery workers have been prosecuted for worse abuse than that, now and then. Sexual abuse, sometimes. Or it could be that he's getting threatened by another child.

If it is due to his dad im not sure why it’s happening now when my ex hasn’t had him alone since around jan before his birthday, he’s seen him twice since on his birthday and dds but that was here and i was with them the whole time because it was a really quick visit

I did think the taking his nappy off was a sign for potty training so i tried but he didn’t sit on the potty or toilet once and was just weeing everywhere , i tried for a week before i gave up and he didn’t use the toilet once so that’s another issue

@adviceneededs
what rewards did you offer for using the toilet? When ds was toilet training I literally had smarties in my hand and every time he walked to the toilet or sat on the toilet or even attempted to get near the toilet I would give them out liberally - can you do something similar? I then migrated from smarties to giving a toy car for every wee in the toilet. I bought a multipack and literally made a huge fuss every time he went. Can you do something like this?? When he wees on the floor; I’d just do nothing. No reaction. It will happen but he’ll quickly realise he prefers the prizes! X

You can start off by making him sit on the potty for a smartie. No mention of doing a wee. And Everytime he sits on the potty wee or no wee, give a smartie.

if even getting him to sit on the potty to win that very first smartie is an issue; you can make it into a game initially- like ‘here’s a packet of smarties- sit on the sofa as quickly as you can for one! Ready-Go!’ And give smartie for something really simple. Then change place ‘sit on floor’ or whatever etc etc, until he learns the game means a smartie if he listens. Then sit on the potty! X