My 3 year olds language and behaviour is really concerning

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i’m honestly exhausted and don’t really know what i’m expecting people to say. ds is 3 and 8 months and he left his old nursery in July to start school nursery in September and since then everything seems to be getting worse. He’s hitting, pushing, scratching, throwing things, running away when he’s told no, taking his nappy off and coming out with things that make me just stare at him because i have no idea where he’s got them from. I’m dealing with it all day and by the evening i’m just completely done.

Before July he was difficult but difficult in a normal 3 year old way. He had tantrums, shouted, didn’t like sharing and could push if he was cross but he was also affectionate and funny and could play nicely. This has really only been like this since July so i don’t think it’s SEN because surely if it was something like that he would have always been like this? It feels like something has changed rather than this being how he’s always been. His old nursery never raised anything like this with me and he was there until July, so i keep thinking something must have changed.

He’s still in nappies. I tried potty training in August and it was a complete failure so i stopped because i couldn’t cope with another battle. Since July he’s started taking his nappy off constantly. He’ll pull it off and throw it across his bedroom, wee on the floor and then laugh when i ask him why he’s done it. He sometimes takes all his clothes off as well and runs around naked refusing to get dressed. At school nursery he’s pulled his trousers and nappy down during free play and apparently tried to get another child to take theirs off too. He thinks it’s hilarious when i tell him to stop and doesn’t seem embarrassed at all.

The things he says are getting worse too. He says “i’m gonna kill you”, “i hate you”, “you’re dead”, “shut up you stupid bitch”, “fuck off you idiot” and “you fucking bastard”. He’ll say “you’re a fucking dickhead” if i take something away and “what the fuck are you doing” if i tell him to stop something. He doesn’t even say them properly sometimes, it’s more like he’s repeating phrases he’s heard without knowing what half of them mean. I don’t use this language at all, let alone around him. I don’t swear at him or talk about adult things around him so i genuinely don’t know where he’s getting it from.

Sometimes he’ll just repeat a phrase over and over even though he clearly doesn’t understand it. I’ve asked him what “i’m gonna kill you” means and he just says “kill you” back and laughs. He has apparently said to a nursery child “fuck off you little shit” because they wouldn’t give him a toy. Another time he told a member of staff “i’m going to fucking smash your face in”. I honestly don’t know where a 3 year old even learns to put words together like that. If i ask him where he heard something he either says “nursery” or starts laughing and changes the subject.

His behaviour generally is awful at the moment. He’ll throw his food on the floor, tip drinks over deliberately, spit, scream, kick doors, throw toys at the wall and hit me when i try to stop him. He has started biting himself when he’s angry and banging his head against the sofa. If i tell him no he’ll sometimes run into another room and start pulling things off shelves. He can be playing perfectly happily and then suddenly hit dd because she touched something he wanted. He doesn’t seem to think about what he’s doing at all until afterwards and sometimes he just laughs when i’ve told him someone is hurt. He’ll also deliberately do things i’ve just told him not to do and then watch my face to see what i do.

dd is 1 and 2 months and i’m finding that the hardest part. He can be lovely with her and then suddenly push her over, grab her arm, pull toys away from her or shout right in her face. Once he pushed her backwards and she hit her head on the floor and another time he put a cushion over her while she was lying down. I pulled it away straight away and she was fine but it scared me. He has also thrown toys at her, kicked her toys into her and once squeezed her face when she was crying. I don’t think he was trying to seriously hurt her but i can’t take the risk so i don’t leave them alone together anymore. I’m constantly watching him when he’s near her and it’s exhausting.

Nursery are seeing the same sort of thing. He’s hitting and pushing other children, scratching, grabbing toys, throwing toys at people and running away from staff. He’s apparently knocked a child over deliberately and scratched another child. He refuses to sit down when asked, shouts over adults, climbs on furniture, empties boxes of toys onto the floor and sometimes just runs around the room screaming. They’ve told me he’s had to be taken away from other children because he was trying to hit them. He’s also apparently told another child “i’m going to fucking kill you” which obviously made me feel even worse. They’ve now asked me to come in and talk about it because they’re concerned about how much it’s happening.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like i’m saying “don’t hit”, “don’t throw”, “get dressed”, “leave her alone”, “use nice words”, “don’t take your nappy off” about a hundred times a day and none of it is sinking in. I’m not saying he’s a horrible child because he isn’t. He’s my little boy and i love him, but i’m finding his behaviour really difficult to cope with now and i’m worried about what happens if he carries on like this at nursery.

I haven’t spoken to the GP yet because i don’t even know what i’d say without sounding ridiculous. I keep thinking maybe i’m making a big thing out of normal toddler behaviour but then nursery tell me he’s hurt another child and i think no, this isn’t normal for him. It’s only really been this way since July, when he left his old nursery, and that’s why i don’t think it’s something he’s always had. I just don’t know what i’m supposed to do with him.

Nursery want to meet me tomorrow and i’m dreading it because i don’t know what they’re going to say or what i’m supposed to ask them for. Do i ask for an urgent referral somewhere? I don’t even know where i’d be referred to or whether they’d just laugh at me because he’s three. Do i ask the GP, nursery SENCO or someone else? I don’t want him being labelled as the naughty child when he’s only just started but i also can’t keep pretending everything is fine when he’s hurting dd, hurting other children and saying things like “i’m gonna fucking kill you” all day. Has anyone had a child suddenly change like this around 3/4? I’m so tired and honestly don’t know what to do next and I’m worried they’ll refer to social services if this carries on because it is concerning

My 3yo will call people c**ts and i have no idea where she got this language from! It is really tough but hopefully your som grows out of this.

I cannot understand how he can possibly know how to say all of these things if not from at home? He has to have heard them to know them. Are you suggesting he’s heard all of this at nursery? Where else does he go where he would have heard any of this?

I am sorry I hope stuff works out

My 5 year old DS wouldn’t know words like that.

Does his father swear like that to him? I’d be pretty confident he’s not picked it up from nursery.

Who else looks after him apart from you and nursery?

This is concerning. It's not behaviour I'd relate to bad parenting, he's looking for a reaction. And the language, that's a lot of phrases which he'll have needed to have heard multiple times to have remembered them.

I'd expect nursery to raise the language as a safe guarding issue, the phrases suggest he's either seeing someone being abused or watching this online.

The behaviour is more usual even though extreme, they should be able to help.

Who does he spend time with apart from you? What access to screens does he have?
This is all very extreme behaviour for an almost 4 year old child.
What actual responses or consequences happen when he exhibits this behaviour? Say he deliberately hurts his sister, what happens to him then?
See what school has to say and take any and all help they’re prepared to give. Any referrals, let them do it.
Get a GP appointment and start getting ok some support.

This. He hasn’t picked this up from other three year olds, op.
I’m amazed nursery haven’t reported this to social services already, it’s astounding behaviour from a child still in nappies.

I would self refer to Early Help. I'm not sure if it exists everywhere but I'd guess there'll be something maybe but a different name. It's part of children's social care designed for these kinds of behavioural problems. Supposed to be supportive and helpful to deal with things early on before a child gets asked to leave the nursery or they raise concerns about language used at home (not saying you are, you've said you don't, but I imagine nursery will deny it's there too).
Can he go back to the previous nursery? Does he spend time with anyone else who might've exposed him to people or TV using this awful language?

He has heard it somewhere. Children learn language by copying us. Listening to us. They dont invent swear words that happen to be the real ones. You must have an idea? Who else looks after him? Who else lives with you?

I’d try not to get too worried about the meeting tomorrow- hopefully the nursery will be supportive and have some behaviour management strategies they can put in place for him.

I would be concerned about where he is picking up those phrases from - he must be hearing it somewhere to repeat it - does he watch stuff online like YouTube video or anything? Or has it come from someone else- family/friends? I’d totally cut screen time if you think that might have any influence

I sympathise with the typical tantrum behaviour and issues with siblings but what you’re describing does sound a bit extreme. If you are worried about his behaviour (sounds like you are!) I would start with the GP and see what they say.

Hopefully others with better experience will come along to reply soon

You need to be very honest and ask yourself where he has learned such foul language from. Nobody is born knowing words like that. If not from you (I believe you) then who?

Sorry OP, this is way beyond typical 3 nearly 4 year old behaviour. Work with nursery, don’t deny the behaviour, ask them for help and recommendations. They will probably need to apply for funding for behaviour as he needs a 121 to not hurt others and be inappropriate. The language is awful. Where has he heard it?!

He has heard that language somewhere. Where? Try to think where....

Ask nursery for referrals and support. A trained child psychologist will have more tools and skills to get to the why. And offer strategies

No of course i’m not blaming nursery and I havent said that he has learnt any of this behaviour from them . At home it’s just me and dd and I dont swear at him or his sister(or anyone!) and dd cant talk. Screen time is limited and his big obsessions and things he watches the most are toy story and cars

He is with me most the time if not at nursery his dad but isnt consistent and last saw him for dds birthday 2 months ago but he cant here and didnt use any of the language that ds is using now. It was a brief visit and we didnt argue and i was with them all the time as it was literally being her presents then play for a bit then he went

Im sorry that you're going through this. My 3 year old can be similar though language is not as sweary. I would attend any parenting course on offer not because am saying it is a parenting issue but because that can sometimes be the first port of call to getting these things looked into further. I would also try using language he can do so ie rather than don't hit , soft hands or something like that can work unless in total meltdown territory where their thinking brain isnt in control . Wish you the best

Please take him to the GP and consider that he may have changed behaviour as a result of being abused. Do not question him yourself about this. Speak urgently to NSPCC. It is very common for abused children to act out on others what has happened to them. https://www.nspcc.org.uk/about-us/contact-us/

Go to meeting and ask for all the support they can offer. DS could be reacting to the recent ibg changes in his life, or he could have SEN which is only becoming apparent when baby behaviour is no longer appropriate.

The lack of toilet training concerns me, most normally developing children are trained by the age of 3, even if they have accidents when they are engrossed in something.
Bit try not to worry, you are not dealing with this alone a d school is far more likely to refer you to EdPsych than Social Services.

Where do you think he’s heard that language? You have to have some idea.

If hes taking his nappy off maybe it’s time to try again? Ask for any help offered tomorrow. You’re right this isn’t normal behaviour.

It is literally impossible for him to know all of these words and phrases himself. He learnt it somewhere. Surely you can think where he might have heard it.

He's copying the behaviours from somewhere, I'm surprised the school hasn't informed social services as there are a lot of red flags.

Sounds like it's from his dad. Lots of red flags in what you said about him.

We have started seeing more aggression from our similar aged boy after we moved home and nursery. However he does not do it at nursery, only at home, where he spits and hits if he is told no. After big reactions and consequences did not work we are trying ignoring the behaviour after firmly saying we don't X. Its helping. The language is highly concerning though, even when acting aggressive my child has never said anything remotely like this and like others I wonder if he is likely hearing it somewhere, even if just once and then it has been reinforced by getting a reaction when he says it. In summary I think some negative response to big changes is normal toddler behaviour but what you are describing is beyond that

If the bad behaviour and language has only started since he changed nursery and he definitely can't have heard it from you or your family, surely it has to be a nursery employee? Do you know any of the other parents to ask them about their experiences of the nursery?

I would report this to Ofsted asap.