My 3 year olds language and behaviour is really concerning

[adviceneededs]

i’m honestly exhausted and don’t really know what i’m expecting people to say. ds is 3 and 8 months and he left his old nursery in July to start school nursery in September and since then everything seems to be getting worse. He’s hitting, pushing, scratching, throwing things, running away when he’s told no, taking his nappy off and coming out with things that make me just stare at him because i have no idea where he’s got them from. I’m dealing with it all day and by the evening i’m just completely done.

Before July he was difficult but difficult in a normal 3 year old way. He had tantrums, shouted, didn’t like sharing and could push if he was cross but he was also affectionate and funny and could play nicely. This has really only been like this since July so i don’t think it’s SEN because surely if it was something like that he would have always been like this? It feels like something has changed rather than this being how he’s always been. His old nursery never raised anything like this with me and he was there until July, so i keep thinking something must have changed.

He’s still in nappies. I tried potty training in August and it was a complete failure so i stopped because i couldn’t cope with another battle. Since July he’s started taking his nappy off constantly. He’ll pull it off and throw it across his bedroom, wee on the floor and then laugh when i ask him why he’s done it. He sometimes takes all his clothes off as well and runs around naked refusing to get dressed. At school nursery he’s pulled his trousers and nappy down during free play and apparently tried to get another child to take theirs off too. He thinks it’s hilarious when i tell him to stop and doesn’t seem embarrassed at all.

The things he says are getting worse too. He says “i’m gonna kill you”, “i hate you”, “you’re dead”, “shut up you stupid bitch”, “fuck off you idiot” and “you fucking bastard”. He’ll say “you’re a fucking dickhead” if i take something away and “what the fuck are you doing” if i tell him to stop something. He doesn’t even say them properly sometimes, it’s more like he’s repeating phrases he’s heard without knowing what half of them mean. I don’t use this language at all, let alone around him. I don’t swear at him or talk about adult things around him so i genuinely don’t know where he’s getting it from.

Sometimes he’ll just repeat a phrase over and over even though he clearly doesn’t understand it. I’ve asked him what “i’m gonna kill you” means and he just says “kill you” back and laughs. He has apparently said to a nursery child “fuck off you little shit” because they wouldn’t give him a toy. Another time he told a member of staff “i’m going to fucking smash your face in”. I honestly don’t know where a 3 year old even learns to put words together like that. If i ask him where he heard something he either says “nursery” or starts laughing and changes the subject.

His behaviour generally is awful at the moment. He’ll throw his food on the floor, tip drinks over deliberately, spit, scream, kick doors, throw toys at the wall and hit me when i try to stop him. He has started biting himself when he’s angry and banging his head against the sofa. If i tell him no he’ll sometimes run into another room and start pulling things off shelves. He can be playing perfectly happily and then suddenly hit dd because she touched something he wanted. He doesn’t seem to think about what he’s doing at all until afterwards and sometimes he just laughs when i’ve told him someone is hurt. He’ll also deliberately do things i’ve just told him not to do and then watch my face to see what i do.

dd is 1 and 2 months and i’m finding that the hardest part. He can be lovely with her and then suddenly push her over, grab her arm, pull toys away from her or shout right in her face. Once he pushed her backwards and she hit her head on the floor and another time he put a cushion over her while she was lying down. I pulled it away straight away and she was fine but it scared me. He has also thrown toys at her, kicked her toys into her and once squeezed her face when she was crying. I don’t think he was trying to seriously hurt her but i can’t take the risk so i don’t leave them alone together anymore. I’m constantly watching him when he’s near her and it’s exhausting.

Nursery are seeing the same sort of thing. He’s hitting and pushing other children, scratching, grabbing toys, throwing toys at people and running away from staff. He’s apparently knocked a child over deliberately and scratched another child. He refuses to sit down when asked, shouts over adults, climbs on furniture, empties boxes of toys onto the floor and sometimes just runs around the room screaming. They’ve told me he’s had to be taken away from other children because he was trying to hit them. He’s also apparently told another child “i’m going to fucking kill you” which obviously made me feel even worse. They’ve now asked me to come in and talk about it because they’re concerned about how much it’s happening.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like i’m saying “don’t hit”, “don’t throw”, “get dressed”, “leave her alone”, “use nice words”, “don’t take your nappy off” about a hundred times a day and none of it is sinking in. I’m not saying he’s a horrible child because he isn’t. He’s my little boy and i love him, but i’m finding his behaviour really difficult to cope with now and i’m worried about what happens if he carries on like this at nursery.

I haven’t spoken to the GP yet because i don’t even know what i’d say without sounding ridiculous. I keep thinking maybe i’m making a big thing out of normal toddler behaviour but then nursery tell me he’s hurt another child and i think no, this isn’t normal for him. It’s only really been this way since July, when he left his old nursery, and that’s why i don’t think it’s something he’s always had. I just don’t know what i’m supposed to do with him.

Nursery want to meet me tomorrow and i’m dreading it because i don’t know what they’re going to say or what i’m supposed to ask them for. Do i ask for an urgent referral somewhere? I don’t even know where i’d be referred to or whether they’d just laugh at me because he’s three. Do i ask the GP, nursery SENCO or someone else? I don’t want him being labelled as the naughty child when he’s only just started but i also can’t keep pretending everything is fine when he’s hurting dd, hurting other children and saying things like “i’m gonna fucking kill you” all day. Has anyone had a child suddenly change like this around 3/4? I’m so tired and honestly don’t know what to do next and I’m worried they’ll refer to social services if this carries on because it is concerning

Something else is going on here. Do you watch true crime/violent series when he can hear? Maybe you think he's sleeping but he can hear it.

He is being exposed to inappropriate language, and you don’t know where from. You report a concerning change in his behaviour. He is exposing his genitals to other children. These could be red flags for potential abuse OP.

Don’t be ridiculous!

I think you need to ask nursery to help you investigate why he’s behaving like this. Where he’s heard the language from.

It sounds disturbing to me, and I’d want to get to the bottom of what’s provoked this.

You may need to go to your GP. And it may prompt some questions that are uncomfortable for you to hear or answer. But you can’t let him continue like this, for his sake as well as you and your DD.

I'm not being ridiculous. I used to work in an government organisation side by side with Ofsted. Unfortunately, children get abused at nurseries.

That language has come from somewhere. Sometimes toddlers or young children pick up a single swear word or phrase and you have no idea where it’s come from, that’s normal. They don’t learn all of the following phrases, and use them in context, by accidentally overhearing something once or even twice:

I’m gonna kill you
I hate you
You’re dead
Shut up you stupid bitch
Fuck off you idiot
You fucking bastard
You’re a fucking dickhead
What the fuck are you doing
Fuck off you little shit
I’m going to fucking smash your face in

Who has he heard call someone else a stupid bitch? Who has he heard call someone a fucking bastard? Who called someone a little shit in front of him? Who did he heard call someone a dickhead? Who threatens to smash someone’s face in in front of him? This sounds like he has been around extreme abusive, violent or threatening behaviour. You say he hasn’t seen his Dad for two months, but what about before that? He will be able to remember things from a year or even two years ago, especially if something has triggered them to come up - could he have been around language like this in the past?

I would also remove him from the nursery

Well he's picked up those words and phrases somewhere, if not at home then where? He sounds quite disturbed actually and I would be taking him to see the GP and asking for an urgent referral to child psychology.

Mine used to swear in our language but nothing on this level.
I think your child needs to be potty trained and the battle is worth it. I know it’s hard but you need to keep pushing on with this.
regaeding the hitting. You need to consistently no and move. You need to mean it.
there will be days where you will be so tired you want to give in but you must never. You must remember that you’re just making things difficult. You are the adult.
some children hit because it works. Look at when he’s hitting and why, and make sure the response stops working.

Sorry but I agree, OP must have some idea where he's heard language like that. I work with some 5/6/7 year olds who use that kind of language and I absolutely judge their parents. Either they or someone they are allowing to spend time with their child are using it, or they are allowing their child to see very inappropriate materials online. They are absolutely not getting it from nursery and they aren't coming up with these words out of their own head.

I would also be very concerned this is a response to abuse. The children I know who behave like this are generally reacting to extremely negative family circumstances or parenting. This would be extreme from a junior school child, let alone a preschooler.

I would also be furious if my child was in nursery with a child behaving like this and nursery would be well within their rights to exclude on the basis of causing harm to other children.

If I was looking after your child I'd think they were traumatised and had witnessed abuse. That behaviour and language is extreme and is like what is seen and heard in abusive relationships. You need to be really honest about what he has witnessed. Is there any chance he has witnessed this when with his dad? Was his dad abusive when you were together?
It could be SEN. My DS is autistic, he was a dream when he was 2. The signs were there with his social communication delay and repetitive behaviour but he was a really calm child. 3 is when the meltdowns really ramped up. The kind of language your DS is using though isn't language a 3 year old uses unless they've been exposed to it. He must have heard it somewhere, if not with his parents maybe extended family or nursery.

Your son has been exposed repeatedly to aggressive inappropriate language. It’s not just been a one off comment he’s heard, he knows a lot of words a child that age shouldn’t. I’d be removing him from that nursery and anyone else who’s looking after him until you know what’s going on. His bad behaviour could easily be a stress response.

I think at the time I sort of explained some of the behaviours away like taking his trousers + nappy off - he was ready to potty train but then he was a disaster

Some of the behaviour seemed “normal” for a toddler at first because I thought all toddlers did things like that, at 2.5 ish he did go through a phase of biting (me and other children at his old nursery) but then after a while he stopped and his nursery reassured me it was normal and a lot of kids bite at that age and It was also mixed with the heatwave so I thought it could also have been linked to that

Then the language but it wasn’t all at once iyswim and the behaviour change wasn’t all at once either it was gradual over the past few months, but now I am concerned and I dont know where he got it from, i know posters have said think but i dont know, I dont watch true crime, the only things i really watch are eastenders and similar although he’s at nursery usually and dd is napping. He doesn’t have his own device of he wants to watch something it’s on the tv

It’s just go worse over time and now I’m at a loss and i dread tomorrows meeting

Apologies if i’ve missed questions etc i’m dyslexic so not good at reading them responding to loads at once so ill reread

Are you being honest with us OP? He has learned this language somewhere - if not at home then another environment. He has been in, like nursery, or with his Dad.

Don't be so naive! It's attitudes like yours that enabled large scale institutional abuse to go on.

Somebody is shouting this stuff at him, in my opinion. No 3 year old comes out with this stuff off their own back. Where is his father? Does he have contact with him?
Who is around him when you are not present?

If your DS is always with you or at nursery and you are 100% sure he didn’t hear that language at home, you need to remove him from the nursery setting immediately pending an investigation.

He’s heard it somewhere and the obvious fear is that a care giver is using language like that to your son or other DC in their care.

I echo the others that you have got to be extremely worried that someone at the nursery has been using that sort of language towards him. Are the nursery workers ever alone with him - eg during a nappy change that they resent doing because they think he should be potty trained by now? I would be asking those questions at the meeting tomorrow if you truly think he’s not heard it at home.

Kids don't learn words just out of thin air, so he is learning this language somewhere

@adviceneededs to be perfectly honest, it's probably a combination of things. However, I recall an episode of Eastenders coming on the TV one afternoon when ds was a toddler and I was so appalled by the foul language, I wrote to the BBC. It was nearly 30 years ago and things may have changed, or you may have normalised foul language.

Other things I'm picking up from your posts are separated parents, unreliable father, baby sister, three and a half year old who isn't potty trained.

When ds went to a nursery attached to a school, he did pick up some bad language and standards were low, although he wasn't a perpetrator. It does happen, but your son sounds extreme.

See what school have to say, if they venture SEN, grab help with both hands. Agree to parenting support. Agree to referrals.

accidentally posted the same thing twice as it was still in the text box

This is all very abnormal. No he doesn’t like like a typical kid. Embrace the help from nursery.

i think it’s the dad that’s cause the violent language.

definitely potty train asap!!

Did the language start before or after he changed nursery?

Does he have access to YouTube or anything on the TV?

He has very clearly heard the language somewhere (and I agree with pp that it's likely someone is shouting this at him - which could explain the other behaviours also). If it's not you/family members/TV then the obvious source is the new nursery.

Does he have access to YouTube? I discovered my son on there watching Peppa Pig videos but they had been dubbed over with filthy language, so if you weren't paying attention or your child had headphones in, you'd think they were just watching Peppa Pig but it was a version filled with vile language.
Have you ever asked him who says this to him? He might be able to give you some indication to know where to begin in looking into this

So many red flags, OP. You are right to say that this behaviour is really concerning.

You say he left his old nursery in July to start school nursery in September, but the concerning behaviour began in July. So did you use different childcare over the summer? Who did he spend time with in July and August? I really think it is imperative that you get to understand what he has been exposed to.