Was I wrong not to greet my partner's daughter's mother at handover?

[Anagomez]

I was a single mom and my son is now fully grown and in university.

My partner has a 10 y/o daughter and is co-parenting with a woman who is irresponsible, always causes trouble for us and unreliable which puts stress on us.

She is now upset because when I dropped off their daughter on my own, I didn't acknowledge her or greet her or talk to her to let her know what her daughter did in the morning. Her daughter ran to her so I turned around and left. We aren't friends and have never spoken. She is upset because she sees it that I disrespected her for now acknowledging her and her existence.

I have done hand offs, it is a short meeting wherein the child goes to the other parent, that's it.

Am I in the wrong?

You didn’t even say hello? I would see that as basic human interaction, you were pretty rude.

A good relationship, or a civil one, with your SDs mother will be a good thing for SD. With her interests in mind you should make an effort to say hello, make some kind of positive comment and then say goodbye to both (see you on Thursday etc!). If you can’t put your SDs best interests at the forefront of your interactions then your partner has made a mistake.

Depends on if you’re happy to stoop to her level or if you’d rather be the bigger person for the sake of the child.

Well, it's odd you didn't acknowledge her. I would think if for no other reason than the mental well-being of the child you are 'handing off' you might show some display of friendliness/ civility.

Beyond that, I would hope that you might be interested / keen in fostering some kind of relationship with a woman whose daughter you clearly caretake for some of the time. I'm surprised she's happy for you to do that, without some kind of relationship - no way would I allow my daughter to spend time with someone who I couldn't even say hello to or share a chat with 🤷🏼‍♀️

I feel sorry for the 10 year old in this as the mother, the father (your partner) and yourself should all be doing better to help that little girl's transitions and experiences.

YABU, you can’t complain about her behaviour if not willing to at least be civil for the sake of your step daughter

This might sound hugely patronising (to the SD’s mother) but there are a lot of people out there who don’t behave that well - and who may have never seen other people behaving well - and it’s good to model the behaviour you want to see. If you think the right way to behave is to be polite to people, show basic respect, keep a cool head etc then you should model it to her in the hope that she will then start to do it back and be less irresponsible/cause less drama. You don’t want to let her tendency to drama bully you into being nice but you do want to model a respectful relationship - she may then improve but it would certainly be a better example to your SD.

You were rude. You could have smiled, waved and made a quick exit.

You were rude, I mean you were, there can’t be any argument there. Plus in front of a child who I am sure you wish to grow up not being rude to people. However you feel about this women you can be civil for five minutes to say hello and give a brief update. If you can’t, then don’t do the drop offs. There are people I have to associate with who I am not thrilled about, I’m never rude, I can always muster a smile and a hello and a goodbye at the very least.

You literally didn't say hello or acknowledged her in some other way - no smile, wave, anything like that?

Yes you’re in the wrong. It doesn’t matter how poor your opinion of her is, courtesy matters.

She doesn’t need you to tell her what a ten year old has done in the morning, the child can tell her herself.

This is about how she feels being ignored. If she’s difficult towards you, why would she think you’d have to be nice to her?

You've probably made it worse now. If you were civil maybe she would stop being so difficult.

If you were in a car I wouldn't think anything of you not getting out to speak, but I don't get that impression... the way you've explained it does sound rude.

If you can’t be the bigger person and behave like as adult when you do handovers then don’t do handovers. What a ridiculous way to behave. Adults acknowledge one another, just to be polite. For the sake of the children who see these interactions.

To me this one is on you.

She will be awful tomorrow because she is consistently awful but you are better off being a basic level of civil even to awful people because it is disrespectful not to be and no one ever responds well to being disrespected.

Think of it this way, imagine you got a job in a prison with people on death row who have committed heinous crimes. Would you go in every day and be awful to them, being rude and disrespectful, because you know they are awful people? Probably not, I guess, because that would bring you to that level.

I think it’s rude, and probably very confusing for the 10 year old.
if you don’t want to invest in these relationships it may be best to seek out a partner without children.

Thank you for all your comments.

To be clear it's been years I've been with my partner and in that time she has disrespected my partner and I and has always expected us to just agree when she can't take the child who she sees every other weekend. And then she has let her multiple boyfriends disrespect my partner by talking bad about him to the child and I've never done that. And then she always expects her way even if it inconveniences us.

The reason I feel the need not to get to know her is because she has never been easy to deal with and never taken into account anyone else.

If you value your stepdaughter and modelling basic civility and how to live amicably in the world with people you may not always like or who may not always treat you with the courtesy you feel is your due, for her, than I don't think a quick hello is much to ask. Why wouldn't you make the transition between two households, which is not always straightforward psychologically for a ten year old, easier by smoothing things over with some basic courtesy?

Well you were rude so yes, you were in the wrong. Being a polite human costs nothing

It's been years, and you've never spoken to her?!

That’s very rude yes and I’d not behave like that in front of a child, I’d maintain basic civility,

Yes, ignoring her was rude and unnecessary in front of a child. Poor girl, having to deal with adults behaving like that.

We get it, you don’t like her. Fine. Who said you had to get to know her? Basic civility is what most people are promoting on this thread and advising you that if you can’t rise above her behaviour to treat her with even minimum civility then don’t do drop offs or involve yourself in other occasions where she will be present. You don’t seem to consider the child in this - modelling behaviour really matters and you need to focus more on what you have control over (how you behave) than what you don’t (the mother). I guess you have a choice to make. @Velveting put it very well.

A good civil relationship would be better but if she's an intentional trouble maker then you're not wrong to want to try and avoid her.

However it's not about you but the child. What example are setting her in how to deal with people.

Yes I get this and it's a tricky situation. But I always try to hold on to : somebody has to be the adult in the room. And it sucks when it's you, even though everyone else is acting like a child. But it is you. You sound reasonable and like a good person who cares about children so....that's all I've got. It falls on you to be the adult. To model the behaviour every adult in this situation should be exhibiting. When they go low, we go high, as the Obamas say. But seriously. If you care at all about your stepdaughter, be the adult she can look up to and respect x