Was I wrong not to greet my partner's daughter's mother at handover?

[Anagomez]

I was a single mom and my son is now fully grown and in university.

My partner has a 10 y/o daughter and is co-parenting with a woman who is irresponsible, always causes trouble for us and unreliable which puts stress on us.

She is now upset because when I dropped off their daughter on my own, I didn't acknowledge her or greet her or talk to her to let her know what her daughter did in the morning. Her daughter ran to her so I turned around and left. We aren't friends and have never spoken. She is upset because she sees it that I disrespected her for now acknowledging her and her existence.

I have done hand offs, it is a short meeting wherein the child goes to the other parent, that's it.

Am I in the wrong?

If it was a ‘handover’ there was no handover, as that does involve some communication.

It was on behalf of him and his DD, not doing her a favour and your lack of communication lets you down regardless. YABU, but..

Can’t her DF drop her off by himself and you stay out of it completely (home or somewhere else - ie not in the car).

It’s not your responsibility, so bow out and leave them to it?

Yes, you should smile/wave/say hello. Even if she’s a cf.

Do you work, OP? I imagine so, if your children are grown up and have flown the nest. So presumably you had to rearrange work hours to do the drop off, have I got that right?

Don’t let her character dictate yours, especially in front of a 10yr old who is in the middle of this.

Do you realise how childish your comment sounds?
Even if the Mother was sitting in a car some distance away, surely you would raise your hand and smile?
Think of the poor child - what kind of lesson are you teaching her.
Sorry to say this, as I try to only post positive comments: You are in the wrong - totally. In fact you sound awful.

You might not want to be friendly or hold a conversation with her, but you should always be civil for the sake of your DSD surely.

I'm a bit torn, because I remember the utter shiteness of this - it's assertion of a hierarchy. Everything you do gets scrutinised and magnified and turned into drama.

But there's a bigger picture. You want to win the war, not the battle.

In time, none of this will matter. Think about where you want to be ten years from now.

It's better, tactically, to reduce 'attack surface' when you have to interact. A fake smile and 'how are yoooooo we've had a LOVELY weekend oh isn't it all so HARD' will either enrage them (but what can they actually criticise?), or mollify them, at no cost to yourself.

This isn't advice that you should 'be the bigger person' or 'model civility', which is always pushed onto women somehow. Just - disengage.

Think of your step daughter not yourself. A courteous hello wouldn’t hurt ! Be the bigger person

OP, I give you permission to acknowledge that the situation is shit, and that compulsory civility can feel humiliating.

It's very hard to always put other people first and be the bigger person when other people assert their rights to be the smaller person.

I don't think you are imagining the power dynamic or symbolic hierarchy (namely, she gets to be rude to you, you don't get to be rude to her).

I actually don't think you have a moral obligation. You don't. But - you can think of yourself, and protect yourself, by having strong boundaries. And one feature of protecting the boundaries (and keeping your focus on your own priorities, rather than other people's) is useful tactical behaviour - including pretending a warmth that you don't feel, and which is being demanded of you.

It's camouflage, not surrender. Make the interaction boring and she'll move onto other targets.