Was I wrong not to greet my partner's daughter's mother at handover?

[Anagomez]

I was a single mom and my son is now fully grown and in university.

My partner has a 10 y/o daughter and is co-parenting with a woman who is irresponsible, always causes trouble for us and unreliable which puts stress on us.

She is now upset because when I dropped off their daughter on my own, I didn't acknowledge her or greet her or talk to her to let her know what her daughter did in the morning. Her daughter ran to her so I turned around and left. We aren't friends and have never spoken. She is upset because she sees it that I disrespected her for now acknowledging her and her existence.

I have done hand offs, it is a short meeting wherein the child goes to the other parent, that's it.

Am I in the wrong?

'a woman who is irresponsible, always causes trouble for us and unreliable which puts stress on us.'

Why would you feel inclined to say hi to someone like that? I wouldn't.

In fact, I would probably tell her that I won't be going to the trouble of taking her child back to her at all, there is no reason that she could not come to you to pick them up; (she sounds lazy as well as all the other tings you listed).

She should have thanked you for going out of your way to drop her child back to her.

Yes it's rude and very strange behaviour. You should have at least acknowledged her , it's odd to just turn and walk away without saying hi, and bye when you left. Even if you don't like her it's common courtesy and the behaviour to model in front of a child

You behaved really badly in front of a child and her mother. You certainly have a lot of opinions about someone you have never spoken to and get second hand info from your partner. Maybe she also thinks that you do things that inconvenience her!

Every adult in this scenario was wrong. Poor kid
If you can’t be civil and act like a reasonable person, then stop doing handovers.

I voted YABU at first but have since read your other comments and I don't think you are BU. I thought it was the first time you'd met each other but you've been return your partner and co-parenting for years, right?
She could just as easily have said hello to you and asked you what you and the DC had been doing earlier in the day.

For the child's sake the adults in her life should at least be polite to each other. No one is saying OP should pretend she is the ex wife's best friend but she should at least be polite

If you can’t behave properly in this scenario, then you shouldn’t do handoff.

The mother does need some information like any health deviations and homework that needs to be done. That information might better be exchanged written though. You don’t need to give her an update on what is going on in the child‘s life. She should be following that herself by getting copies of all electronic school communications and by talking to her child on the phone.

I can't believe you didn't even acknowledge her, even for the little girls sake, you don't have to like her but a hi or whatever might mean a lot to a 10 year old,

Poor girl how awful that the grown ups in her life behave this way she deserves better. You shouldn't be doing the handover at all at this point get her dad to do them..

It’s a bit awkward you didn’t politely acknowledge her. I’d never blank someone unless I was intentionally trying to be mean.

But this isn’t your kid, you’ve never spoken to her mum, why are you in charge of handovers? Her dad should be providing all the updates. You just need to give a polite wave.

Good, so she's showing some maturity as a parent who now wants to communicate for her child's sake.

I'd follow that lead and see if your boyfriend can do the same.

It's the only way to put the past firmly in the past.

So interesting thing about this.. during drop off and pick up I used to stay in the car, I don't see why I had to get out since my partner was there. So she complained to him that I never got out. So I started to get out of the car and then she complained about me being there.

You're letting yourself down here. And that child stuck in the middle of it

Hello. Smile. Goodbye. It’s not hard. Your opinion of her, and your judgement of how many boyfriends she has had etc etc, should not be a bar to you being civil. You sound fairly immature and petulant. Not a good example to your SD..

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being passively rude to some people. Others obviously disagree.

I think it's poor form to make transitions between her mother's and her father's care, post-split, unnecessarily difficult for a ten year old stepchild the OP is presumably fond of, if a quick hello would give her the sense that not all the adults in her life are at loggerheads.

She didn't say thank you to me.
And I dropped her off in the middle of my day at a time that was convenient for her on a day that she wants even supposed to see her child.
I tried to arrange an earlier time because she said she wanted to see her child. I am all for that but it also has to coincide with my day because I was busy too. So she was being difficult when they were trying to plan and nothing came of it so I thought I wouldn't have to do the drop off. Then on the day, 2 hours before she asked that I drop her off. So I had to rearrange my day, make time for the drop off and she was upset she had to wait for me.

the way you refer to her is a clue here. You're using many many words to avoid EX
Ex-wife
Ex-partner
Ex-whatever

but no she is 'my partner's daughter's mother'

Not even Becky, just someone's parent. You're dehumanizing her and clearly dislike her.

Dropping her child off and turning away without a word is pretty rude. I find it's good to force myself to interact cordially with people I don't like, it's a victory when I maintain my composure, don't take their bait etc.

In fact I've made a few problematic people in my life into allies by forcing myself to see the whole person not just the bad side they present to me. This is the mother of someone I hope you care a lot for, treating her with basic respect and even kindness might improve life for all involved.

Imagine your stepdaughter knowing her stepmother and father despise her own mother. Not a nice position for a child to be and before you say you hide it from her, she knows.

Well that was a bit ignorant of you. Did you not even say goodbye to your stepdaughter?

This was my other thought too. She didn't say thank you to me or hi or bye. I at least shouted bye. It was a general goodbye.

Of course I did.

So don't do it, if it generates this much ire? Let her father handle drop offs.

You seem to be more focused on your stepdaughter's mother being a nuisance than on your stepdaughter's welfare.

Poor child, none of the grown ups in her life seem to be at all grown up.

I have no idea why you are getting all these replies telling you that you are rude.

The woman sounds awful and rude and I wouldn't go out of my way for her at all.

Just let her dad go, it is causing you/her stress if dad does it you won't annoy each other.