Was I wrong not to greet my partner's daughter's mother at handover?

[Anagomez]

I was a single mom and my son is now fully grown and in university.

My partner has a 10 y/o daughter and is co-parenting with a woman who is irresponsible, always causes trouble for us and unreliable which puts stress on us.

She is now upset because when I dropped off their daughter on my own, I didn't acknowledge her or greet her or talk to her to let her know what her daughter did in the morning. Her daughter ran to her so I turned around and left. We aren't friends and have never spoken. She is upset because she sees it that I disrespected her for now acknowledging her and her existence.

I have done hand offs, it is a short meeting wherein the child goes to the other parent, that's it.

Am I in the wrong?

Oh dear! It doesn’t matter how awful she is, nothing excuses not even saying “hello”. Your job is to be a safe person for your DSD, and model how to behave.

Even if it’s through gritted teeth, all it takes is a quick “hi there, x is looking forward to seeing you/ we’ve had a great morning / have a nice time and see you soon pet”. Otherwise you’re really just part of the problem and it’ll only end up hurting the child.

Stepmum with 17 years under the belt here. We also had an exceptionally difficult Mum to deal with but we stuck in there and now I even manage to get along well with her.

I don't mind that she wants to see her daughter, I'm glad she did and I wanted to help her out. But it needed to be on her terms it seems. It inconvenienced me but I was fine to drop her off.
The mother was upset after I dropped her off. I thought nothing of it, I thought we would see them after a few hours. I went on about my day.
But immediately after she started ranting about me to my partner and how I behaved. I thought everything was fine.
I said goodbye to my stepdaughter and then she ran to her mother. That was it.

I should imagine that she would have complained about you even had you said hello and ran down what SD had been doing since she had been away from mum. She has made sure she has you and partner on edge so you didn’t know whether to greet her or not. I wouldn’t worry she sounds a complete nightmare

It would be better for the child if you were all civil, even better if you could actually be polite and talk to each other and show some level of coparenting. you obviously don’t like her, and you’ve been rude to make that clear. if that’s the way you want to deal with it that’s fine, if you don’t want to tell her what her child has done that day, that’s up to you and no one can make you, you are not obligated to do so. I understand you also have your reasons for behaving that way. But she can also call you out on it and point out that you are also not behaving in the best possible way, because you’re not (however understandable it may be)

youre all stuck with each other (unless you leave dp) so why not just make it a bit less unpleasant. Maybe don’t bend over backwards to accommodate her so you don’t feel as resentful, but then be more polite and civil. Or leave dp to deal with his own ex.

You are involved in the joint project of raising a child who you are happy to refer to as a step daughter, and you couldn't be arsed to be civil to her mother?

This poor child. It shouldn't matter that apparently her father (unless you're all women?) has custody and she only sees her mother EOW, but that will make her feel different already. Then neither her mother nor her step mother are able to manage normal social and polite interactions with each other. Meanwhile her father (or second mother?) is palming her off to be dealt with my her step mother.

You all sound a bit useless frankly.

what's wrong with that?
My mum always said that good manners are a tool for dealing with people you don't like. I agree with Barak Obama about the high ground, it has always served me well.....and if you do it right, it can annoy the hell out of the other person while not giving them any reason to complain.

I wasn't a fan of my ex partner's ex-wife, for varying reasons. However, on the occasions I collected the children for my partner, I was always was friendly, polite and had a chat.

For your step-child's sake, you need to put aside your own feelings towards the Mum, and at least be civil and polite.

You were rude. There's no excuse for rudeness.

How do you know she has said all these things if you’ve never even spoken to her?

IMO you don’t need to tell her what her dd did that day as she’s old enough to explain.

I would have said “Bye!” to both of them before turning and leaving. (Maybe a little wave if the child turned around)

It sounds like she would have complained even if you gave her a minute by minute break down so I wouldn’t dwell.

Why are you involved at all?
Stop being used for lifts and childcare.
Tell him drop her off.
In your place I would have nothing further to do with her.
I certainly wouldn't be dropping off.
Stand up for yourself. You are being used.

What's the point of pairing where when you are ready to argue that you're right.

All you had to say was hello or wave and move on but you're really trying to argue that you were right when you were not. No one is asking you to go in for tea.

Also this sounds like a lot of childish drama.

Tbh it sounds like she’s the sort that if you had have said hello etc would’ve likely blanked you and smirked to try and make you look stupid and complained that you spoke to her, so I’d have probably done the same as you!

If she’s a difficult individual then it would have been easy to be the bigger person. Getting out, saying hello and bye, generally being polite. But the staying in the car thing seems cowardly at best. I wonder if she is trouble stirring and unreasonable, or if you’re not mature enough to handle an inherently difficult situation like coparenting / blended family without pinning blame.

I totally get why you didn’t say hello, but you’ve made your own life harder. Sometimes you should just suck it up and play nice for your own sake and I say that as someone who can be astoundingly petty.

That's very rude.

Gosh you were rude! It's just politeness and basic humanity to say Hello.

Are you this rude with others or just her ?

This situations should always be looked at from the point of view of the child. What is in the best interest of the child? Thats what matters.

I think the best interests of the child
would be for you to be friendly (within reason!) and polite so do that.

i think you were very rude not greeting the mother. I also think being rude to the mother in front of the daughter wasnt in the best interests of the child.
I understand theres has been animosity and you dont have to befriend her but common civility for the sake of the child is needed.

Also I am in a fortunate position where my mum and current step mum get on well, but before my dad dated a woman who was actually pretty hostile to my mum (and me).

Not saying you’re like that at all, but kids will pick up on stuff like that and at the end of the day the child will see it as you have been rude to / upset / offended their mum and that will in turn make your life harder. My mum never bad mouthed my dad’s ex, but she didn’t need to - the way me and my siblings saw it was that she was being rude to my mum and that was enough. Your situation sounds different but you need to think of it from how a child will see and perceive it. To you she’s a pain in the arse but to her daughter that’s her mum who she loves and looks up to.

I think you’re in the wrong but can totally understand your desire to blank her as a step mother myself. She probably would have ignored or blanked you herself, but is using this now as a stick to beat you with. You certainly don’t need to apologise, but next time I’d focus on what’s best for your SD. X

I'm not the most friendly person but even I couldn't do that. It is unbelievably rude. I'm not surprised she had something to say about it. A 10 year old would have picked up on that animosity too.

What do you get out of being rude? Just smile, say hello, how are you, how’s work etc. <name of DD> had a great time, we did this and this.

Ignoring her makes you look jealous and ridiculous.

I really like this post Beccahm.
It makes a lot of sense.