How to say no to a friend’s daughter coming to my home?

[Janetwin]

My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose daughter (7) plays with my kids. This girl’s behaviour was always a bit difficult, willful, demanding, can be a bit mean with my kids. One day being super friendly and the next excluding one of them, locking them out of the room or the house and saying mean things. I put it down to kids though at times, when the mother comes to collect her, I’ll tell her what happened and the mother’s reaction tends to be:
“I think it’s great she feels so at home in your house”
“Well that’s what she wants”
“Oh we have bigger problems” (goes on to say the child is anxious or clinging, personally I don’t see that in the kid)
The child’s behaviour is getting increasingly worse, dangerous even. She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her. When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word. Like, literally, sat there silent. It was kinda awkward so I dropped it, assuming she would deal with the kid in her own way.
On one occasion recently, I caught her taking something that belonged to my daughter off her, and standing over my daughter smiling at her crying. I told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?” A few days later, we were out with the kids and the mother, my friend, and the child bent over double and started howling and gasping for breath. Like she had been sucker punched and saying over and over “jane hit me” (that’s not my real name but for the purpose of this post…). The mum rushed over and when I, shocked, said I didn’t touch her (both my daughters were standing beside me in shock), the mum just brushed it off with “it’s ok, sometimes she does this when she’s tired”.

I’m at the stage where I don’t want the child in my house but the parents are acting like nothing happened and, as they’re friends of ours, just keeping turning up at the door and expecting to leave the kid at ours “for play dates”. How do I approach this? We’re in a wider friends circle and I don’t think the kid behaves this way with our other friends children.

This 👆🏻

short, to the point, unemotional. Exactly what setting a boundary looks like.

You've heard the same message time and time again. Your children should matter more to you than this nasty little girl, deliberately obtuse mother and her cheating husband. YOU have an overriding obligation to keep your children safe and well, away from this demonic family. You have to judge how best to do it but it does have to be explicit and carried through. Tell your DH to grow a pair or have a grown up conversation with his friend if he has issues. Your and your children's wellbeing is not up for debate.

Cut all contact, the child could quite possibly accuse you of much worse life ruining things. The child needs help to be honest as this is not normal. I'd be telling the school and have nothing to do with any of it

What are you going to do if she accuse your DH of inappropriate behaviour?

This child gets it from somewhere. I’d give the whole family a wide berth.

I agree. I had a friend with a daughter the same age as my son. She was quite vicious, and bit both her sister and my son really hard on numerous occasions. The friend's children were very restricted in what they could do at home, but when they came to my house they almost literally trashed the place!

At the time, I felt too awkward to stop seeing them and tell them why, but afterwards I realised how horrible it was for my son, and I wished I'd protected him more.

Calling round uninvited and saying they've brought the child for a play date is simply not on. It sounds like she's the one who'll be getting a play date! I think I'd say we were going out soon for something that she can't invite herself to, like a doctor's appointment. Or better still, don't make something up, but tell her the kids need a break from each other.

The most important bit about this is the lie about you. She puts you personally in danger, at risk of being accused of hitting her or worse. Do not let the child in your house and be honest about why!

" told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?”

Um...Stand up for your child? Defend your kid? Take the item away from her. Give it back to you daughter and expel the little sociopath from your house/life???

Your children won't thank you for allowing this bully to ruin their childhood while you helplessly flap your hands. Do somthing.

I tell anyone who sends their kids for a play date I dont do gentle parenting and if they want their kid to play at my house they need to understand I have rules and standards. If I've permanently expelled several bad actors from our lives for repeated bullying.

Dont stand for it. Set an example for your kids.

Hopefully the Bully Woman is on here, since she used a MN expression, wrongly, and she’ll take note of ALL the comments.

This. 100%.

This.

start sticking up for your children. Neither this child nor your friendship with the parents are more important.

Why the school?? Police. Social services.

The school because this is not normal behaviour amd could very likely signal something disturbing going on within the childs home environment. They can notify relevant authorities if needed especially as they may see these things happening at school with other children.

When that child asked "what are you going to do?" I would have taken the item away from her and phoned her parents to come and collect her. She is testing you, she knows she can get away with it because her parents spoil her! If she is telling lies about you hitting her, that's a step too far. What next? She is a brat and you can't have that behaviour in your home. I think you have to put on your big girl pants and just tell them that she can't come over anymore, even if you put it down to the kids not getting on.

Keep away from someone one with a kid like this. Maybe alert the police (there are serious consequences of her accusing adults of hurting her-can you imagine how you'd be treated in prison, and the current thinking isn't let's not believe a kid who lies all the time). If you believe the mum is hurting/harming her as your post implies, contact social services (which of us would brush this kid's behaviour off? Any decent parent would have sought help long ago for any of this).

I had this with one of mine.

I dealt with it by saying ‘look, the kids don’t get along so let’s meet as adults. They can’t be friends with everyone’ and that was that.

You're not finger pointing at her child then and if she insists her kid likes yours just say ‘that’s not what I’m seeing so let’s just leave them out of our meet ups’

I’ve been in a similar situation (minus the affair AFAIK). Calling a seven year old “scary” and “a shit” isn’t necessary or helpful. There is obviously a toxic atmosphere at home and the kid (however messed up) is just a kid who needs help.
But she’s also not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to protect your kids and yourself. The words I used to extricate myself were basically “There is an unhealthy dynamic going on and it’s not good for anyone involved, including your child”, and then you need to stick to it. No need for name calling about a seven year old, it’s the parents who are at fault here ultimately,

Then notify social services and let the school know what you're doing, but don't tell the school as though they're PAs for social services / police or to avoid the effort of reporting yourself.

Completely agree.
You're putting yourself and your kids at risk.
We don't want her for play dates they are not fun for my kids.

The accusation that you had hit her is massively worrying behaviour.
If the friendship doesn't survive, I would consider that a double win.

You are a doormat

Stand up for your children and stop entertaining this child.
Be blunt with the parents - her behaviour towards your children is unacceptable and you will not permit it in your home.
Your home is your children's sanctuary and you are letting this child abuse it.

If you lose the friendship with the mother that's the price you have to pay to protect your children.

The child sounds like a psychopath! Absolute danger to be around. The accusation she made against you is appalling and could have been much worse.

I’d sever the friendship with the parents to be honest. It’s just not going to work.

First post nails it again

I had a similar situation with a playgroup Mum. Her son was a living nightmare, completely overindulged because of some minor health issues and I'm ashamed to say that I let it go on for far too long before I put a stop to it.

You need to stand up for your DC here. They will remember your reaction to this child forever.

Why didn't you stop the playdates after she locked your child outside in the cold "several months ago" and all the other disgusting behaviours she inflicts on them in their own home?

You ignored your own kids being bullied in their own home because you were more bothered about not falling out with the child's dip shit parents.

Why are you suddenly bothered now when she dramatically accused you of hitting her? Let's be honest, nobody would've believed it, especially as your own children were standing there.
But your kids being subject to malicious and dangerous behaviour over a long period of time is brushed off.