How to say no to a friend’s daughter coming to my home?

[Janetwin]

My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose daughter (7) plays with my kids. This girl’s behaviour was always a bit difficult, willful, demanding, can be a bit mean with my kids. One day being super friendly and the next excluding one of them, locking them out of the room or the house and saying mean things. I put it down to kids though at times, when the mother comes to collect her, I’ll tell her what happened and the mother’s reaction tends to be:
“I think it’s great she feels so at home in your house”
“Well that’s what she wants”
“Oh we have bigger problems” (goes on to say the child is anxious or clinging, personally I don’t see that in the kid)
The child’s behaviour is getting increasingly worse, dangerous even. She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her. When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word. Like, literally, sat there silent. It was kinda awkward so I dropped it, assuming she would deal with the kid in her own way.
On one occasion recently, I caught her taking something that belonged to my daughter off her, and standing over my daughter smiling at her crying. I told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?” A few days later, we were out with the kids and the mother, my friend, and the child bent over double and started howling and gasping for breath. Like she had been sucker punched and saying over and over “jane hit me” (that’s not my real name but for the purpose of this post…). The mum rushed over and when I, shocked, said I didn’t touch her (both my daughters were standing beside me in shock), the mum just brushed it off with “it’s ok, sometimes she does this when she’s tired”.

I’m at the stage where I don’t want the child in my house but the parents are acting like nothing happened and, as they’re friends of ours, just keeping turning up at the door and expecting to leave the kid at ours “for play dates”. How do I approach this? We’re in a wider friends circle and I don’t think the kid behaves this way with our other friends children.

I would blow this secret out of the water instead of pussy footing round and my family punished for something that shouldn’t be mentioned. The wife has directly targeted you and your child, she justifies her child’s actions and won’t be drawn into any discussion on it. You don’t owe any one of them loyalty so just call it out and be done with it all.

I would also let it be known to the wider circle that you and your child has been made scapegoats for her husbands actions with someone you did regard as a friend but you didn’t know until recently nor condone. The wife will try to get them to pick sides and act the victim so I'd be straight that it was nothing to do with you but you won’t stand by and allow your family be victimised over something that has nothing to do with you all.

Maybe her mother will realise there's a problem when the daughter starts torturing little furry animals, or maybe not.

Your child accused me of hurting her and acted in a scary believable way to pretend this actually happened, this is fucked up, I'm not being around this shit as its weird and dangerous for me and my kids. Sort your kid out and come back when she stops being a liability

@Janetwin you need to use this ^^ as a basis for stopping the play dates.

If you want to be more gentle you could say something along the lines of "I can't take the risk of being accused of something I didn't do, so these play dates won't be happening any more"

Agree with above.
No way would i be protecting this affair that is harming your children.

Blow it wide open and step away.
What a total shit show.

I would not want this child in my house at all. Not so much the child’s behaviour but the fact that the parent is almost enabling this and not dealing with it at all! I would cut your losses with your friend and just say your kids are really not getting on very well so let’s not do play dates right now. It’s got the potential to get a lot worse as they get older.

I agree with the wording of the statement - but leave out the ''come back when ...''.

She'll use this as a 'let' to back in. Child has changed let's try again ect. No. Once you've got rid you don't want them back.

The mother has two choices

1. Believe her daughter- in which case, why would she let her daughter visit your house again? And why would the girl want to visit again if you hit her?
2. Believe you and accept why she’s no longer welcome.

put your family first.

💯this

You already have so many reasons for why you want this Bully Woman (BW) to back off. I would only use this one as an absolute last resort. It's also high drama and more likely to lead to a lot of gossip and exaggeration involving you.

I just think having read all the posts on here about reporting, that using this as the main reason will really backfire. Both the BWoman and her child are proven liars.. and it might occur to B Woman to use your excuse to say somethign untrue about the incident, in order to get her own back on you.

You don't owe her any explainations. Least said the better.. How about the following?
OP... Ive decided not to do any more play dates for a while.
BW .. But Why?
OP ... Because I just don't want to.
BW.. But why.
OP.. Because I am fed up playdates. I'm exhausting and I don't want to do it anymore.
BW. But I don't expect you too supervise playdates.
OP. Nevertheless.. I just don't want to for the time being and I don't think its unreasonable to have a break from playdates, so its not happening and that's all I want to say about it.

So sort of have different or repeated ways of saying no., Let her take offence.. its your best option. She knows exactly why you want to stop playdates So really it doesn't matter how you decline to continue. It will have the same effect, hopefully of stopping them. You may have to repeat it.

Then if friendship group says why.. all she can say is, OP only said she doesn't want to. rather than she's accusing my DD of lying about the fact that OP hit her.

I'm sorry I missed your post about BWs DH having an affair with your friend suspect that this is why she's been so hard to detach and also why she treats you so badly ( I base this on the way she responds to your complaints). There is no friendship there from her.

Would it work if your DH also said to her DH..something like
"Look your wife knows about your affair with x and she keeps coming round to grill OP about X. Something is bound to leak. So you need to stop coming round to the house and stop the playdates."
That should take care of the Dad.

As to the friendship group. If they all side with B woman.. then they are not friends either. I don't think they will dump you, but you could keep a low profile with them. I'd be very cautious about what you tell them about BW.. let them find out what she's like for themselves, unless there's someone you really trust.

I do think, its worth mentioning to the school, if they are at the same one... that you have had to ask the parent to stop playdates and mention some of the bullying behaviour towards your DD, and ask them to just keep an eye on things at present. Because then its on record.
I hope you get somewhere with this, it's a horrible situation to be in. Best of luckx

This

OP what you've mentioned isn't just a slightly naughty child. It's something you need to steer clear of.

Wise words from @DuckbilledSplatterPuff

She told you it wasn’t working for her when her daughter locked your daughter out in the cold and that kid still stepped over your doorstep? OP for goodness sake tell her she’s no longer welcome, and her awful mother too. Bullying you and your daughter in your own house! Tell the parents to get lost and their daughter. Then get new friends - you won’t have any trouble doing that, but they might. Nothing wrong with setting strong unapologetic boundaries - it happened all the time during the 80s and 90s when I was a kid. Ooh I’m angry for you, OP! 😡

If she didn't have a history of making false allegations you could manage her in your house with close supervision ie. not letting her and your kids go off to play in a bedroom or where you can't see them.

As it stands the only way it'd be safe for her to be in your house would be if you had another adult in the room with you both all the time.

That's too much effort unless there's some good reason for it.

Quite honestly, put your big girl pants on and be direct. Tell the parents straight that you have highlighted behavioral issues a number of times that don’t seem to have improved and are indeed getting worse. As such, she will no longer be having their child in your home. Create a boundary and stick to it.

I'm really sorry after the last false accusations I'm just not comfortable having her here I'm sure you understand and shut the door.

Will you be waiting until she emotionally AND physically hurts your children? And you...
Because your children are affected by this and yet you aren't standing up for them. Why?

Yikes, that is some troubling behaviour! Dishonest, callous, cruel, lacking empathy...I hope she doesn't grow up into a sociopath!
Protect your children and let the adult friendship go. It's not worth it.
I'd be honest and say you don't like her behaviour and perhaps have some specific examples to hand so they can't brush it off.
Sounds like mum is in denial, but you might get through to her that this isn't normal behaviour.
Anyhoo, she likely won't take it well so big girl panties on! Your children come first.
You don't have to be unkind, just stay factual and polite and let her know your daughter doesn't enjoy the play dates.

If you're afraid of a confrontation with her, stop responding to her messages except for short answers, don't arrange to see the adults and don't reply to requests for play dates. Metaphorically back away quietly!

I'd suggest they are not as "good friends" of yours as you think they are of they are letting their daughter bully yours. It may all come to a head and you could realise they are as problematic as their child!

This

Absolutely not. I'd probably ditch the mother as a friend. Her child is an awfulbrat who bullies and lies due to her non-existent parenting. I would be telling them exactly this and cutting ties

Tbh i think shes learnt some of this from her parents. I think its weird theyd just show up for playdates if you hadn't offered.

And tbh the locking your DC outside would have been enough for me to end it.

I think either you own it and tell them youre uncomfy with her in your home when the children dont always get along and theyre aware she sometimes makes false allegations about adults shes with. (Thats dangerous for both her and the adults shes unsupervised with)

Or whenever they show up just say oh sorry its not convenient for her to stay atm until they take the hint.

But I wouldnt be in charge of a 7 year old who pretends I hit her when shes tired, she wouldnt be alone with me or in my house without a parent

Just hope the mother reads this and gets the message.

Please do also tell the school about this incident, and that you have concerns over this child and her behaviour / lying. That way, when she makes an unfounded assault allegation against some poor teacher, they will have something to push back with.

Agree 100% with everyone who advises stay well clear. Are the children at the same school/in the same class? If not you can make a clean break. If they are,then do watch out for the bullying (because that's what this child's behaviour suggests) potentially amplifying once the kid knows she can no longer come over. I had a similar situation at primary,parents thinking the sun shone out of their clearly troubled child's(finish popular phrase) , child's behaviour got worse at secondary and they ended up in a PRU. It sounds like a broken "friendship" with the parents is a price worth paying for your DDs mental wellbeing. Good luck xx

It isn’t normal tired behaviour to dramatically pretend an adult has assaulted you. Your friend is burying her head in the sand. You need to be assertive though and put an end to the play dates until she can behave in an acceptable manner. Kids will get things wrong but this is a pattern of concerning behaviour.