How to say no to a friend’s daughter coming to my home?

[Janetwin]

My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose daughter (7) plays with my kids. This girl’s behaviour was always a bit difficult, willful, demanding, can be a bit mean with my kids. One day being super friendly and the next excluding one of them, locking them out of the room or the house and saying mean things. I put it down to kids though at times, when the mother comes to collect her, I’ll tell her what happened and the mother’s reaction tends to be:
“I think it’s great she feels so at home in your house”
“Well that’s what she wants”
“Oh we have bigger problems” (goes on to say the child is anxious or clinging, personally I don’t see that in the kid)
The child’s behaviour is getting increasingly worse, dangerous even. She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her. When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word. Like, literally, sat there silent. It was kinda awkward so I dropped it, assuming she would deal with the kid in her own way.
On one occasion recently, I caught her taking something that belonged to my daughter off her, and standing over my daughter smiling at her crying. I told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?” A few days later, we were out with the kids and the mother, my friend, and the child bent over double and started howling and gasping for breath. Like she had been sucker punched and saying over and over “jane hit me” (that’s not my real name but for the purpose of this post…). The mum rushed over and when I, shocked, said I didn’t touch her (both my daughters were standing beside me in shock), the mum just brushed it off with “it’s ok, sometimes she does this when she’s tired”.

I’m at the stage where I don’t want the child in my house but the parents are acting like nothing happened and, as they’re friends of ours, just keeping turning up at the door and expecting to leave the kid at ours “for play dates”. How do I approach this? We’re in a wider friends circle and I don’t think the kid behaves this way with our other friends children.

I agree with this. End this situation; it’s not fair on your children either.

Look ,I've got a SEN child who's behaviour on a normal level would be a lot to be desired. I don't put her in situations that would lead her to be disliked ,I also don't put other parents.in the position where they feel uncomfortable dealing with her not so nice traits -its my job to protect my daughter AND other ppls children . I will never understand ppl who have children who won't accept their child might be a issue .
My advice disengage say no to play dates and distance. If the parents don't feel awful or are not prepared to accept that sometimes things need addressing you have to take your own child away .

This and this alone. If she gets an injury and decides to blame it on you, you will be fucked! Dump the frigging lot of them. Protect your kids and protect yourself.

Sorry nasty little girl is out of fucking order . That's a child . Pp definitely put your own child first . Who knows what makes the other child behave certain ways . Certain adults on this thread need to shit the fuck up considering thet don't know the full ins and outs either .

Have the kid learn some fruity words while at yours. That might stop the play dates. I can provide a few for a small fee :)

Honestly you are being incredibly doormatty. You are all suffering because you are being spineless and it's clear the kid is not being parented either. The mother is turning a blind eye and with 'gentle parenting' bollocks which is clearly not working.

What a reasoned response.

It is very easy to protect your family by not having this child in your house again. Her father could be as charming as he liked but his daughter is very mentally unwell or maladjusted. I mean the child could do anything - pushing you or one of your children down the stairs or even coming at you with a knife. It is madness to have her in the house.

This family is giving me the serious creeps. I’m expecting next time you open your curtains either the mum or her psycho child will be staring in at you.

Exactly this!
You should be setting more of an example to your kids.
That behaviour is unacceptable and they should not have to put up with it

Please put your family first and politely refuse any further visits or outings with this child . Sure the adult friendship may also end but I’m not sure I’d want to be friends with someone who has this attitude

If she ever accuses your DH or sons if you have any, of anything inappropriate, your whole family will go through the wringer, and this whole thing so far will feel like a walk in the park.

Your DH desperate to save a friendship with a cheat over your kids isn't great either.

If the brats parents aren’t going to deal with her behaviour maybe you need to be more proactive for your children next time she does something pull her up on it & listen little lady if my children do that they get put on the naughty chair & I would literally sit her on a chair facing the wall for 7 minutes one minute for each year of her age if she gets down add add another minute if there are multiple bad behaviours she sits on the hot seat multiple times & if mummy doesn’t like it when she collects her tough don’t bring her back tough love is just that.

Get rid. You’ll make new better friends. If you let this continue you’ll be haunted later on for the rest of your days about how you subjected your child to this bully for the sake of a shallow social circle. As for the This doesn’t work for me line, I would be absolutely fuming.

I've only read the OP's responses and a few PPS.

I'm glad for your sake that the child's mother was with you when she made the false claim about being hit by you. However. This child is damaged and might do this again. The parents are manipulative and sly and in my book would not hesitate to lie as the mother already minimises and excuses her child. I would avoid mentioning the false claim in anything you say to cool down this relationship - they will very likely use it against you.

As others have said, put your child's needs first and you'll have to weather the fall-out. There 's no way of protecting them without consequences for your relationship with your "friends" so go in with that bottom line.

The mother is hopeless IMO and does not behave like a friend to you.

I would just stop making plans with them, Nothing else needs to be said, you have spoken to her several times, she knows full well the issues but wants to bury her head. Let her.

Your DH can continue to see his friend separately, preferably in a neutral space (outside both homes).

MN = Mumsnet

Put your own children first and save them a lifetime of thinking they have to "be kind" and not have boundaries with absolutely batshit individuals.

Get rid. If she shows up again with her daughter just say ‘this doesn’t work for me’ and refuse to speak until she leaves. Karma 👌 In all seriousness though, I wouldn’t be letting that child in my house again, or around my family members if i could in any way help it. Stop being a door mat, she was unreasonable with you when you tried to politely tell her about DD behaviour, and she didnt care how awkward that made you feel. Turn that back around on her and she where it goes. The worst could she doesn’t see you and then yyyyaaaay! problem solved.

There was a child who was coming around to ours and upsetting my dd in her own home. At first I thought it was a normal disagreement but when I saw her being actively mean to my child, I ended the play date, took her home and said she wasn't welcome until her behaviour improved. The mother clearly thought it was overkill but frankly I don't care. My home is my child's safe space and I won't jeopardise that. I'm also not wasting my time supervising unpleasant children.

You have to be firm in such situations and quite frankly of you lose their friendship it's no great loss.

Even if the other families in your friendship group have not been used in a similar way for play dates and have a more balanced relationship, I bet that they are aware of this girl’s disturbing behaviour. I doubt that, even if this useless mother properly kicks off, you will not be viewed as the bad guy.

I wouldn't go in super aggressively - I can’t see how that is going to help the situation. Just say “I’m sorry Lynn, but the dynamics between the children aren’t great at the moment so we will not be having playdates again”.

If she protests, you could add “I was seriously disturbed at her accusation that I had hit her when it was absolutely obvious that I had done nothing of the sort. It has made me really uncomfortable. I look forward to seeing you again but we should leave the children out of this”

Think about this scenario: girl is at your house, your dh refuses to let her have yet more chocolate/insists she gives back a stolen item etc. She could easily accuse him of interfering with her - sexually, I mean. Then you are in a world of pain with police etc Just think on that!

This little girl - through no fault of her own - is dangerous. Psychopathic tendencies can appear even with tip-top parenting but in this case, they are dangerously slack.

This is one of the more baffling threads I’ve read on here.
you watch her bully your children, and accuse you of assaulting her.
then the mum turns up at your house for an unarranged play date and you just say ok?! What?!
and whilst she’s there the mum tries to get info from you about her husbands affair? What on earth is going on.

I also just can’t work out Why you are putting your children through bullying by this other kid, just so you can pretend to be friends with this women and go on days out etc. all whilst knowing her husband is shagging someone else and not telling her. Youre terrible friends to each other. Stop putting everyone through this.

The child has psychopathic tendencies, steer well clear, and of the parents too. Unfortunately that’s what you’ll have to do, be firm.

Yes, people hate admitting that kids can be psychopaths, but indeed they can be. And whether she was born a bad seed or has been turned into one is not the OP's kids' problem to solve. Her children are not punchbags for other people's horribly behaved kids.

I'm sorry. We don't have the energy to cope with Xxxx today. Actually. I can't have Xxxx here on a play date until her behaviour matures, in a few years maybe.

Meet friend only when Xxxx is at school.