DD13 called us f****g idiots. I'm fuming

[BrieFree]

I have nc'd for this.
DD13 and I have a complicated relationship. I have always struggled to show her affection and the love she deserves. DH fortunately is a great dad.

We have a severely disabled child too for whom we have to really fight for so that she gets support with therapies etc.

Anyway we were trying to get DD13 a smart phone- her first one. DH had chosen a few in our budget but she absolutely hit the roof, saying how ugly and awful they are. We are talking about pretty good Samsung phones.

She started hitting DH, then hitting her own head, then called us twats, told us to f off and said we are f*g idiots.
I told her to get out of the room and she told me to shut up .
I told DH that we are no way getting her a phone for a long time.
I want to give her a screen ban (she has an iPad and a laptop) and ground her for a week.

But tbh, I don't know if that's right. I feel such a rage and yet I blame ourselves for raising dd to be so entitled.

I do struggle in my relationship with her and counselling points to my own difficult relationship with my mum. In fact, this goes back to my grandmother and great grandmother - all had difficult relationships with their mothers.

I hate that I am perpetually angry with her. I don't feel like this towards younger dd. I want to show her love.
What is right to do in this situation?
Only helpful answers please. I don't need criticism as I get how upset dd must be. DH says she picks up on my irritation.

There's shedloads of evidence that lack of love and emotional security in early years alters how the child's brain develops. Why do you think so many adopted children, who are now in great environments, still go off the rails?

I really feel for your dd. My parents were emotionally unavailable when I was a child and teenager, it has had a profound effect on me till this day. I went onto an abusive marriage for many years, which in turn caused my children so much trauma, which I deeply regret. My dd is 13yrs old now, I had to make an active decision to change my parenting from the way I was raised. None of us are perfect parents, that’s impossible, but it’s so important not to pass on generational trauma.

Have you looked into EDMR? It’s important to act fast, to prevent further emotional damage to your dd.

Could you contact a child psychologist to help your dd?

My son was suicidal three years ago when we left my exh. He refused counselling at first but I persisted, unfortunately the trauma will never leave him. However he has come a long way and used techniques from the counsellor, fortunately he turned the corner in a short space of time and doing so well.

I think you need to push away your trauma for now and concentrate on your dd. Try and slowly bond with your dd. My dd loves doing my hair and make up, watching series on tv together, simple things matter. Take an interest in things she is passionate about, definitely spend quality time together while you DH looks after your younger child. Please find the strength and make the change for the sake of your daughter xx

Very mature.

This is proven in myriad peer reviewed neuroscience studies.

And the post you’re responding to is just immature rage bait. Not worth the effort of a reply.

Her daughter talks about suicide, she's hitting herself, she's struggling. Whatever, you think she needs more discipline. Good luck to your children if you have any.

This is a very interesting point. Thank you.

It’s all most word for word the same. Except on this thread she doesn’t admit calling her child names.

A child hitting themselves in the head is absolutely NOT a tantrum, please educate yourself on autism before making such damaging comments

I genuinely want to know what you think your parents should have done. Your sibling was disabled, of course your parents would have given them more attention. If you had two children, only one being disabled, what would you have done? Given up the disabled child? You are 52, unless you had abuse or major neglect, you should be able to forgive your parents. Parents of disabled children also have to navigate a very hard life too.

But @Redpaisleythat doesn't make it right or any less painful for the child who is neglected! An adult can rationalise it but the child is already damaged.

Almost certainly is the same poster which makes this thread even sadder. It seems nothing is going to change for this poor girl. My only hope for her is that she doesn't actually exist.

You only get one chance at giving your child a good childhood. The profound impacts of not giving your child a loving home or neglecting them go into adulthood and beyond. I find your comments to @JaneIvesvery callous.

your able bodied child needs you just as your disabled child. The impacts on the able bodied child don't just get tossed away and it's not up to the able bodied, neglected child to make peace and forgiveness for their abandonment as a child.

and to answer your question 'what would I have done?' Even though it wasn't aimed at me, I would have made sure my other child wasn't a 'glass child' and neglected their emotional needs to the point of suicide, or impacting them into adulthood and beyond. You can love both children correctly. The 2 can coexist. I have direct experience with this and I can tell you, it's horrific to go through.

Same. I agree.

Good spot @AliceMcK Hopefully op will start to heed advice.

@RedpaisleyMay I suggest that you take up knitting/Crochet? It’ll give something for those idle hands to do instead of pontificating on a subject you clearly have no experience of.

I briefly outlined my own experience - note the term Briefly - to the OP. I based my post on the initial scant information from the OP. My aim was to provide a bit of balance and my POV. Not everyone’s experiences will be the same of course.

Then you pipe up with your cod psychology.
Unless I’ve suffered abuse or neglect then I should get over myself? Wow.

Would now be a good time to tell you that I suffered sexual abuse from my mums brother? I was aged between 2-5/6.
Neglect? Did I mention my parents knew that something wasn’t right when I was deposited at her brothers? My Terry nappy would be done up all wrong on my return?
There is a glut of other history too, but I don’t need to validate myself further.

Does this satisfy you?
Does my post now qualify for not getting over it?

They truly be walk among us. sigh

You sound very critical of your daughter. It’s awful to read. I’m not even bothered about the phone issue because I think you have bigger issues.

It’s like you expect her to take all your awful life choices and just put up with them and if she doesn’t- you call her names. I think she was spot on with what she called you.

Clutch your pearls and the read how you described your daughter.

This. I agree with every word due to personal experience and a life half ruined.