AIBU to not leave the shop when my toddler is having a tantrum?

[Sunshine231]

What is the appropriate response to your toddler having a full blown tantrum in a shop or other public place? I always stay and continue my shopping, albeit at speed but the looks I get from other shoppers tell me that maybe IABU and I’m supposed to abandon my trolley / basket and take said child immediately out of the store. I asked a friend and she also said she would leave straight away.

The reason I don’t do that is because a) my toddler has tantrums daily at random and I’d never get anything done if I just stopped it every time they started; b) I’m usually in the shop because we really need something, that need doesn’t go away so I’d have to return to the shop later anyway; and c) taking the child out of the shop does not magically end the tantrum and therefore help the child emotionally, they will continue until they are done whether I’m in a shop or not, so I don’t feel I’m “harming” the child by continuing what we are doing (btw I will do the whole script of I can see you’re upset, you wanted XYZ and you couldn’t have it, it’s ok to be upset etc., suggest “blowing bubbles” or blowing out candles to model deep breaths and also periodically offer cuddles while continuing getting what we need though I can’t say it really helps and sometimes seems to make it worse even).

For context an example of this was at the weekend, I told my older child we could go buy snacks for a movie night. Toddler saw a huge car thing in the shop they wanted, I said no. Tantrum immediately ensued. They are quite loud and once the tantrum starts literally anything I say to them will make the screaming more intense. I carried on getting the snacks because leaving at that point would have meant disappointment for the older child and them potentially thinking the toddler was to blame. I really don’t want them to resent each other. But I got so many people looking at me in horror as if I was being abusive and it made me think maybe I’m doing the wrong thing?

Just curious what others perspectives are on this?

Of course she was exposed to situations, just not when she was hungry, tired or already over stimulated. Why set your child up for failure. She has been seeing the school welfare TA (I divorced recently) who states that she is exceptionally emotional intelligent for her age. The various SALTs and ALN teachers who helped her with her isolated speech disorder (neurodevelopmental and hereditary) when she was little were all super impressed too. So i think she's okay.

If you want to go peer reviewed

"Our findings indicate that throwing daily tantrums was already quite uncommon for 2-year-olds and only reported for around 12% of the children. "

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9462137/

So no, I don't think daily tantrums is normal, and i do think you need strategies to manage them appropriately in public spaces.

Ignore people looking at you, yes they might feel annoyed but sometimes things are annoying and they'll get over it. Obviously if it's somewhere that people need to relax/enjoy like a restaurant, cafe, museum, library then that's different but with a shop situation I just think crack on and try and get through it. Whenever I see a mum with a screaming toddler I try and smile to show some solidarity! You're also doing the right thing just letting them play out, so no, you're not doing any harm to your toddler and he will grow out of it. I actually think the people who get the most flack (potentially rightly as it probably isn't great) are the parents who have a child going "I want the toy car!" And they go "no... oh no you're sad.... OK then" car in the trolley. I think as a parent you do get quite judged in these situations- parent however suits you and your child because you'll get stares and opinions either way!

I don’t think I’ve been particularly rude, a lot of people have been rude to me. Telling me my child is abnormal or “out of control” and that I’m a terrible parent because I take him to the shop now and then. If you’d read my post properly you’d see I asked for opinions on whether to leave the store or not IF a tantrum occurs. I didn’t at any time ask for opinions on whether I’m a good mum or on how to prevent tantrums which I believe are normal in a two year old. I am perfectly capable of putting my self down as a mum I don’t need others to help kick me thanks

If your strategy is to ignore the tantrum, you should leave. Just walking along and doing nothing with a screaming baby or toddler is obnoxious behavior. If instead you are trying to intervene while you continue to shop, most people will understand.

12% is quite a lot don’t you think? Daily tantrums is within the range of normal as I said. The U.K. population has approx 800,000 preschool age children. That’s 96,000 “abnormal” toddlers just like mine then??

I think 88% is quite a lot!

No need to project, my parents were just considerate of inflicting tantrums on others- something that seems quite rare according to the posters here. Not in the real world though, based on the muttering I hear the vast majority of people are judging those parents who seem to think their and their little darlings are more important than anyone else and we should all put up with crap behaviour.

But that does not make the 12% abnormal. I never said there are not a lot of toddlers who do not have daily tantrums. I simply said that daily is within the range of normal. And your little research study has proven that to be correct. Also one study is not “evidence”, I would want to see a lot more than 1 study. Maybe a systematic review / meta analysis.

Also given you’re so great at “research”, don’t you think around 800 is quite a small sample size for population based research? And wouldn’t you agree that the population was quite homogeneous in that study? It was based on 1 Dutch study site. As you will well know, that will have introduced a large amount of bias which is difficult to control for.

I didn’t look for further flaws but I’d bet that it is also difficult to study and compare between studies because measuring a tantrum is subjective and different parents will have different ideas about what constitutes a tantrum.

Also the study was published in Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics which has an impact factor of 1.5. It’s hardly Nature is it 😆😆😆😆

There is this thing called home delivery…….

Tantruming toddler in a shop doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t go to the shop to be in peace and quiet. I just feel sympathy for the parent.

Sorry OP but you do come across as quite superior in your postings. Essentially youve asked for opinions on what people do when their child has a tantrum in a shop and then come up with an excuse as to why you cant, you know better or life is just harder for you.

For what its worth your situation isnt so dissimilar to mine. I have a PhD too so just as intellectually qualified. I work full time. I am a single Mum (by choice) and have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I am also pregnant.

If my child has a tantrum and I am in the shop, as I said, we leave, sit outside and calm down and then go back in and finish the shopping. I leave my trolly near the door where security usually are - they would normally let us out the entrance too as they could see what was happening. Its not rocket science. As for how to I have time. Honestly, I make time, if it means we miss out later in the day then that is what happens and when its all over and we've calmed down I will explain why we cant do something because we wasted time earlier e.g. 'I am sorry that we havent got time to watch Bing now, but we took a long time at the supermarket because you were feeling upset and now it is bedtime'. Does my 2 year old 'get it' - nope not always but somewhere between now and him being 4 he will and the consistency is already built in. I also wouldn't have entertained going shopping AFTER sensory play when my 2yo was tired. We'd have got snacks for movie night first and then gone to play.

I dont think you are inherently damaging your child for staying in the shop but feel personally for everyone's comfort its kinder to leave. Whilst for alot of people a crying toddler is fine. I work in disability and so understand that for a huge number of people with hidden disabilities seeing another person, even a young child, distressed is upsetting for them. More than that though, as you have identified, tantrums are a form of communication. Would you want to be trapped inside with people looking at you when you were distressed? Understanding they are communicating a feeling doesn't mean giving in to their demands, but I do think showing the young child the skills to manage those feelings is a positive. I wouldn't hang around in a supermarket if I was distressed. Id leave and go and grab the bits I needed once I had calmed down.

If I did ever look over at you in a shop it would be with recognition and sympathy. Some people may just be looking up startled to the noise but not disagreeing with what you are doing.
My son had a floor spinning tantrum in Asda so I took him out as he was going to trip someone. I’d take him out of church as it would be disturbing people’s chance to pray / concentrate/ the peace. However in a supermarket, there is hustle and bustle.

Have you read the responses of the person I am replying to? Who told me my toddler is abnormal? And how her daughter is extremely emotionally mature and how she has done tonnes of high quality research evidencing how to avoid tantrums in toddlers and her child had only 2 or 3 tantrums ever. Which she achieved by barely leaving the house with the child. I am responding in the same manner and tone that the individual I am replying to is using towards me.

And I haven’t come up with any excuses why I can’t leave the shop 😅 But about 50% of responses are saying that they would stay in the shop and do exactly the same thing I do. Who is to say that your opinion is the right one and all the people saying they stay in the shop are wrong?

I personally wouldn’t tell my child they can’t watch bing because they got “upset”. Being upset isn’t, in my view, something to punish. I also wouldn’t as a grown adult leave a store just because I’m feeling upset. But again each to their own. It’s ok to disagree.

I agree if they are doing something dangerous which might harm themselves or others I would also remove them. The tantrums I am referring to are just loud crying, but contained in a trolley or a pushchair.

Someone mentioned a post office queue and I did once have to leave the post office because my child was crying loudly. A queue is in close proximity to others and I wasn’t going to continue queuing while my toddler was distressed just to send a £2 Vinted parcel, so I do agree it is situation dependent.

I think I’m more inclined to leave if the thing I am doing is purely for myself and is a want not a need. I guess I tend to stay if we are there for something that is for one of the kids and / or is something we actually need / can’t go without. Also if I can finish the task fairly rapidly. Obviously if there is a large queue then this would not be possible so leaving is the better option.

Losing out by getting to leave the shop?

I hate shrill noises too, I am very sensitive to sounds but a kid having a tantrum usually makes me feel compassionate for the mother dealing with it. I wouldn't have any strong opinion on how she should manage it and I wouldn't want anyone to leave on my behalf.

There are loads of annoying things about people doing their shopping at the same time as me. You can't avoid it. I can't expect everyone to leave, and the screaming kid is only thinking what we're all thinking

I hate shrill noises and screaming but how much of a douche would you have to be to mind the noise of a toddler tantruming??? It's not like the parents are encouraging it, and its not like the parents are in the supermarket for Funsies- they are there because, like the rest of us, they need something.
My cousin had world shattering tantrums when she was little and grew up to be the most easygoing teenager. Parents can congratulate themselves on 'tactics' but sometimes it's just down to luck.
Some children have very reduced tolerance - your child is 2, of course they are still learning to be patient! If they are still throwing themselves on the ground at 30 then I would be concerned!

Parents might not be encouraging it, but if they rent doing anything about it, i.e. removing the little darling, I would argue they are the douche, but hey your answers say all I need to know bout your behaviour.

I was once in a shop and a kid was kicking off. Another customer looked at him and said OH BE QUIET! The shock stunned him into submission. Priceless

Why not just sort out your shopping into delivery or click’n’collect? Any top-up shop i need to do is because i’ve let things get gradually less organised. Then i use Whoosh and organise myself better again

I used to order online. I ordered nappies in bulk from amazon etc. I limited the need for 'emergency' shopping as much as possible. I basically did everything in my power not to have to pop to the shop with my children as noisy, tantruming is horrible for the child, the parent and for everyone else.

I’m not saying I don’t use delivery services. Obviously I do. But sometimes, and I don’t mean very frequently, I do pop in the shop with the kids. Either as you mention, because I’ve not been organised enough (and that’s 100% on me) or because I felt like grabbing something (usually for the kids, such as the snacks for a movie, this is really very occasional not a weekly or even monthly thing). My question was what do you do IF you’re in the shop and a tantrum happens. I’m not asking for ways to avoid going to the shop

Teach your child to behave in shops, but also leave when they kick up a fuss teaching them that this works- the public

Sometimes it helps to say oh I wish we could get the truck, it’s a great truck etc, I’m a bit sad we can’t bring the truck home today but I’m looking forward to chicken for tea and pudding.

I think it depends. If they start like that I would either take them out or wind up my trip quickly, grab the essential item and leave.
i would also make sure shopping trips are easier, use the pushchair and a small trolley, have lots of snacks and toys at hand, do not go anywhere near the toy isles, let them hold some of the items as you go round.
i used to put mine actually sitting inside the large trolley and make it a fun ride and they were contained. Couldn’t fit as much in but I could get what I needed and they found it fun. Giving them snacks on the way round helps as well. I guess just try and find a trick that works. And keep well away from the toys!