AIBU to not leave the shop when my toddler is having a tantrum?

[Sunshine231]

What is the appropriate response to your toddler having a full blown tantrum in a shop or other public place? I always stay and continue my shopping, albeit at speed but the looks I get from other shoppers tell me that maybe IABU and I’m supposed to abandon my trolley / basket and take said child immediately out of the store. I asked a friend and she also said she would leave straight away.

The reason I don’t do that is because a) my toddler has tantrums daily at random and I’d never get anything done if I just stopped it every time they started; b) I’m usually in the shop because we really need something, that need doesn’t go away so I’d have to return to the shop later anyway; and c) taking the child out of the shop does not magically end the tantrum and therefore help the child emotionally, they will continue until they are done whether I’m in a shop or not, so I don’t feel I’m “harming” the child by continuing what we are doing (btw I will do the whole script of I can see you’re upset, you wanted XYZ and you couldn’t have it, it’s ok to be upset etc., suggest “blowing bubbles” or blowing out candles to model deep breaths and also periodically offer cuddles while continuing getting what we need though I can’t say it really helps and sometimes seems to make it worse even).

For context an example of this was at the weekend, I told my older child we could go buy snacks for a movie night. Toddler saw a huge car thing in the shop they wanted, I said no. Tantrum immediately ensued. They are quite loud and once the tantrum starts literally anything I say to them will make the screaming more intense. I carried on getting the snacks because leaving at that point would have meant disappointment for the older child and them potentially thinking the toddler was to blame. I really don’t want them to resent each other. But I got so many people looking at me in horror as if I was being abusive and it made me think maybe I’m doing the wrong thing?

Just curious what others perspectives are on this?

Single mum here, no family and work FT. I left. Every Single. Time. Didn't take long to make the connection.

My toddler would have been delighted with this as the tantrum was always caused by him not wanting to be going food shopping!

No I'm not a child development specialist hence why I have read a range of well researched and reviewed books on the subject. You need to educate yourself and you will continue to need to throughout your kids childhood, as you will have new problems, need new solutions and need to be able to confidently fight your childs corner for them.
My DD is in the Welsh education system, if you've followed the news over the last few weeks you may have seen that the Welsh education system is Fucked, guess what I'm researching, watching documentaries on, planning and preparing for ongoing battles regarding right now.
That's parenting!

You came here for advice, my advice is that there are things you can do differently to make your life and your toddlers life easier (and the other shoppers too).

Do you know what I think when I see someone's kid having a tantrum? Thank goodness it's not just me this happens too!

Most people who are parents are understanding of the situation and anyone who isn't can do one!

My daughter gets her children to take a photo of the thing they want on the grounds they may get it in the future which avoids the tantrum. Might not work with a toddler though. I would plough on regardless. Most of us have been there and I just pass by with a sympathetic look.

Have a nice cup of tea/coffee/whatever soothes you. Feet up and let all the advice float over your head. You are the Mum doing your best and they are the child doing what they think is the worst!

My kiddo wasn’t a tantrummer (he just sulked 🤣) but I wouldn’t have left until I had what I had come in for. No way would I be wasting food or leaving it for someone else to deal with.

Why did you ask for opinions and then respond rudely to people who responded (are you a child development expert? Aren't you an A* parent etc).

I understand that you can't be in and out of shops all day. But you could try leaving, once or twice, and seeing does your DS calm down faster and not restart once you have re-started and know what the trigger is so can avoid.
You have gotten some good advice about distraction and prevention. Even a two year old can look at a picture and try to find that thing in a shop, if you don't have a printer to make fancy lists (I don't) you could show images on a phone or tablet.

Shopping with small children is a knife edge though and it can go either way, with all the snacks and distractions ever dreamed of. I wouldn't continue with a tantrums child personally unless I had only 1-2 items and no queue left, so could leave in less than 5 mins.

Mine sometimes loved shopping sometimes not either way it took 4 times and it stopped. It was a pain but sometimes short term pain for long term gain is the way to go. I had no idea if it would work or not but I had to try something and thankfully it was the right something

Sometimes I cant help looking at a child having a tantrum, because it’s natural to look where the noise is coming from. But I’m definitely not judging, just thinking thank god that’s not my problem (right now) 😂
I don’t think it sends the right message to your toddler if you immediately fuss over them and leave

eta: I don’t judge either approach tbh because it does send you into fight or flight when that happens 😂

It isn’t just about you, you know. You are inflicting the screaming and unreasonable behaviour on everyone around you and that is totally out of order- I struggle immensely with shrill, loud noises and would have to leave myself if you let your child continue create in that fashion.
Remove the child immediately, if nothing else (sen excepted ) it will teach them they lose out if they misbehave. Also the inconvenience is an incentive for you to find ways to teach them to stop.

And before anyone says it, year, I was a child once and by all accounts a right screamer. My parents removed us every time.

I found it’s more effective if I take them out for a chat. Particularly if the weather is unfavourable! If you stay in the shop I think it just prolongs the tantrum. I always returned to it once they’ve calmed down though. I wouldn’t judge another parent for not leaving though - it’s about being the most effective with your child.

Or ignore the tantrum and they learn screaming and kicking off gets little reaction.

My toddler had a tantrum at his brothers swimming lessons today, he was exhausted from nursery and decided to throw himself on the floor screaming for ice cream. These things happen and I don't think you should have to leave the shop, but I'd obviously hurry my shop up a bit and try to get out of there asap.

My second child is a dick for this 🤣 I do continue my shopping but I actually only go in for small bits…I have three under 5’s so make my husband do the big shops!

Does it help if you stick him in a trolley even if it’s just to get a couple of bits?

When I did have to do a big shops used to give them a snack (from home) in the trolley too to try and prevent meltdown's!

I feel intense anxiety and upset when I hear a child having a tantrum. Sorry for the parents but for myself it’s awful when they stay and continue shopping.

But you’re still ignoring the impact on everyone else. Find a more effective way to teach the child, making them everyone else’s problem is a dick move, simple as that.

If your only concern is losing the trolley and starting from scratch, having worked in a supermarket before just wheel toddler and trolley to the customer services desk and ask them if you can park your trolley there while you deal with child.
Usually the change of scenery does the trick anyway.

I remember being at an art exhibition that I’d really been looking forward to at the V&A and we went around it in groups of about 15. I was with a group that included a toddler having a full on melt down and the parents didn’t leave. I was one of those people looking daggers at the parents.
I really do think it depends where it’s happening. If it’s in a restaurant/ cafe/ somewhere people go to have an enjoyable time, then remove your child. If it’s in a shop , on the bus then ride it out. Use your common sense.

Yes. And most people understand that toddlers have tantrums and are able to get on with their day w/o it impacting them too much.
Of course there are going to be people who cannot tolerate it.

Say you're in a long queue at the post office. You're about 3rd from the front and your 2 year old has a tantrum. I think if you left the queue explaining you didn't want your child to disturb everyone, the vast majority of people would understand and urge you to stay and keep your place in the queue.

Stay and shop. No need to leave unless you decide it's the best thing to do on the day. People are not judging as much as you think. My daughter had terrible tantrums (now nearly 5 and a delight at last with just the odd outburst at home).. but wow... at 2 she was so feisty and tantrums were frequent. Don't worry about others think. Many will sympathise and remember what it can be like.

As an older women these days, we have all been there. Crack on.

I didn’t come for advice on avoiding tantrums. If you read properly you’d know I was asking for opinions on whether to leave a store IF a toddler is having a tantrum. I have done plenty of reading and research thank you. I’d like to see your evidence from peer reviewed publications that it is not normal for a two year old to have tantrums daily. I have a PhD and I work in research. Reading and researching and deciding what constitutes high quality evidence and what is just background noise, is exactly what I do for a job.

It sounds like your daughter wasn’t so perfect after all if you were so terrified of her tantrums that you basically avoided taking her out anywhere at all. What a shame for her (and you) that you missed out on all those play dates just because you were petrified she might display some normal child behaviour. You cannot just avoid all negative feelings by confining small kids to the home. There’s nothing wrong with kids having feelings, a tantrum is their way of getting it out. I am not scared of my kids negative feelings and I do not avoid taking them anywhere at all, even play dates with friends just in case they have a tantrum.

I would argue that avoidance is almost as bad as what my parents did, which is stamp all feelings out with aggression. How can your daughter have learned to regulate if you never ever exposed her to any situations in which she might get upset? Kids are not robots, so you can tell me you’ve read all the books you want but it sounds like you and your poor daughter really missed on a some lovely experiences due to your pure fear of her stepping out of line.

Well I would not take my kids to the v and a that is obviously not a child friendly activity and there is no need for them to go there

I was just thinking I wonder how many of the people who are triggered by children crying, had parents who could not tolerate their crying and then I saw your comment. I assume it’s quite common, my ex is like this. A child crying makes him angry because as a child, any feelings he had were met with anger from his parents.