AIBU to not leave the shop when my toddler is having a tantrum?

[Sunshine231]

What is the appropriate response to your toddler having a full blown tantrum in a shop or other public place? I always stay and continue my shopping, albeit at speed but the looks I get from other shoppers tell me that maybe IABU and I’m supposed to abandon my trolley / basket and take said child immediately out of the store. I asked a friend and she also said she would leave straight away.

The reason I don’t do that is because a) my toddler has tantrums daily at random and I’d never get anything done if I just stopped it every time they started; b) I’m usually in the shop because we really need something, that need doesn’t go away so I’d have to return to the shop later anyway; and c) taking the child out of the shop does not magically end the tantrum and therefore help the child emotionally, they will continue until they are done whether I’m in a shop or not, so I don’t feel I’m “harming” the child by continuing what we are doing (btw I will do the whole script of I can see you’re upset, you wanted XYZ and you couldn’t have it, it’s ok to be upset etc., suggest “blowing bubbles” or blowing out candles to model deep breaths and also periodically offer cuddles while continuing getting what we need though I can’t say it really helps and sometimes seems to make it worse even).

For context an example of this was at the weekend, I told my older child we could go buy snacks for a movie night. Toddler saw a huge car thing in the shop they wanted, I said no. Tantrum immediately ensued. They are quite loud and once the tantrum starts literally anything I say to them will make the screaming more intense. I carried on getting the snacks because leaving at that point would have meant disappointment for the older child and them potentially thinking the toddler was to blame. I really don’t want them to resent each other. But I got so many people looking at me in horror as if I was being abusive and it made me think maybe I’m doing the wrong thing?

Just curious what others perspectives are on this?

Do you have the option of shopping without them if so I would do that as less stressful all round if not I would just plough on through the tantrum as things need to get done.

You don't have anyone else in your life at all? No family? No friends? No neighbours that would help? I wouldn't run out of nappies if getting them was such a palaver.

I mean this in the kindest least sarky way possible but do you really think if I had the option to shop without them I would be taking them just for the fun of it? Who in their right mind takes kids to a shop if they have the option not to?

Shopping alone is literally my idea of a very nice day out (and it very infrequently happens) 😅

But sometimes I just want to go to the shop and I honestly didn’t realise it was so wrong, it only really dawned on me that maybe I was doing something wrong when I mentioned to my friend and she was horrified that I wouldn’t just leave the shop and go home.

I’m personally not bothered by other people’s kids having a tantrum (unless of course I witnessed an adult actually being abusive to cause the child’s upset) and my toddler recovers quickly afterwards. I’m not getting angry or shouting at them for it so I never felt they are being “harmed” by the experience. I just assumed most toddlers had tantrums when they don’t get their own way 🤷‍♀️

Nothing wrong with going to the shop but if your kid starts screaming the place down, you take them out. If it's happening every time, you need some better strategies, don't you? You can't just inflict it on other people.

I didn’t really think of it as “inflicting” anything on other people, maybe because as I said, I personally wouldn’t be bothered by a crying child in a shop. I was actually thinking people were looking and thinking I was being cruel to the child rather than that the noise was making them angry.

Also I never said it’s every time. My question was more what do you do do on the occasions it happens rather than saying its every single time I shop.

Just out of curiosity what would the better strategies be that you mentioned?

My youngest (from 2y to 2.5y) could be relied on to take a tantrum every time we went food shopping. He was in the trolley seat but was so very loud! I had no choice but to take him and my daughter shopping, and to take him out each time he started would have just extended the trip for hours so I took multiple deep breaths, tried to stay calm and carried on (and usually had a silent cry in the car on the way home). Some people tutted, a few patted my arm and told me that it would get better, most smiled sympathetically and one time a man actually screamed in my son’s face (it made no difference to my son although one of the the shop assistants who witnessed it asked the man to leave). He did grow out of it but it was hard work until then. You have my sympathy! Nothing I said or did before, during or after made a difference. Just carry on with your shopping - those of us who have been through this with a stubborn, tantrum-prone toddler will understand 💐

I'm talking as mother of three grown up sons who weren't prone to tantrums but if I'm in a shop now and some poor mum is struggling with a whingy toddler I usually try distracting them quietly, eg peek a boo in the supermarket queue, just engaging with them as a stranger often makes them quieten down, i certainly wouldn't expect the poor parent to leave the shop!

My strategies were always talking to mine before we went in about what they were allowed to have eg no sweets/toys today but you can choose the cereal/juice/yoghurt whatever is appropriate. Give them a shopping list and pencil and ask them to cross off what you put in the trolley, even if they can't read a pretend list on notepad and pen often kept them engaged with the process and get them to look for things on the shelves. A few stickers that they could play with on the shopping trolley handle, basically i talked non stop to them and didn’t give them chance to get bored and, of course, most importantly NEVER give in once you've said no🥴

I absolutely hate screaming kids. I have left shops if it's happening and judged the hell out of the parents who just stay.

Strategies, you know your kids. I kept mine busy helping, eating snacks, a promise of something nice after and constantly engaging them. I think they are pretty standard strategies tbh that you should be aware of. I would also keep the trip as quick as possible and just the necessities.

I used to do that and quite frankly, it helped me stay focused on what I needed to get! I know gentle parenting is about acknowledging how your child is feeling as described in your first post, OP, but as you’ve found, often makes the child worse so Id not bother! Either ignore (silently) or do the above.

Being a parent develops skills you never knew you had or would need, so remember you are amazing, doing a job with zero training and doing the best you can. No one will be judging you, we’ll be sympathising!!

My son has autism and shopping with him as a toddler was either lovely or absolute hell on earth. The things that helped me were reading a social story about behaving nicely, getting him his own little trolley to push, a list that had pictures of food we needed and asking him to go find them, getting him to help with scanning and packing.
It didn't always work and there were days I just had to abandon shopping and carry him out like a suitcase but it did get easier as he got older!

I just said that no one would be judging but there’s always one….

Yeah, all mine are autistic too so I really had to pay attention. I still left if they kicked off. We didnt go to restaurants for years because my oldest would throw his cutlery at anyone he didnt like the look of.

It depends - how quickly can I get what I need. How urgent is the item.
Where I am. Where do I need to be i.e. can I get it later.

Is the toddler on the floor or in a pushchair/trolley seat?
I think if they are mid-tantrum and people are staring it's probably beyond the 'breathing it out' stage.

I think I mostly carried on, probably muttering under my breath and sweating rather than acknowledging his feelings etc, got out and THEN dealt with it.
Distraction worked well for mine.

You're not inflicting anything on fellow shoppers. The person most put out by your toddler's tantrum is you, OP. Other adults who can easily move away come some way behind.

You are doing fine. Crack on. One fine day in the future, your toddler will cease to tantrum, and you shall shop in peace.

So you would promise a 2 year old something nice after and that would ensure tantrum free shopping? My 2 year old must be really behind as he would not understand the concept of “after” at all. All he knows is what’s happening right now. He has literally no concept of time at all. Did your kids literally never see something they wanted and get upset when you said no?

Also I do chat to them both all the way round and he had a snack which he threw on the floor when he was upset. And it usually is a very quick trip hence why I said I continue my shopping “albeit at speed”. I do the big shop online, I don’t tend to take them for long leisurely strolls in the supermarket.

I don't think you should feel pressured to abandon ship at every tantrum. I think that the last thing you need is to start worrying about strangers opinions when your child is already stressing you out.

I do think that a supermarket is a highly stimulating and stressful environment. I think the less you take young kids into supermarkets the better, and if you have to, then I think that preparation makes a difference and preempting what they might kick off about and why.

1. Taking a toddler to a supermarket to choose snacks for movie night isn't a treat. The movie night is the treat, and if you wanted snacks for it then get stuff like that in a smaller shop or have some small bags of popcorn in the cupboard or make it with him from scratch.

1. If you have no choice but to take them when you go shopping, then make it low pressure. Feed them before you go, and also have snacks for while you're in there or distractions.

1. Try get them to help you with a list. A shopping list with pictures? Can they talk well?

1. If they get really excited about something and want it badly, I think it's worth talking to them about how great it is and how cool it is and how you would love to be able to afford things like that. How cool that would be. What you would do with it. Take photos and talk about how you are going to show nanny or whoever this cool car and talk about putting the pic in a scrapbook or getting it for Xmas (maybe)

Don't try take his mind off it. Get interested in what he wants to see.

It doesn't work if you are in a hurry obviously, but I think if the child feels heard and not dismissed, then it helps them process their feelings about it and understand that other people also want things that they can't always have straight away, and it is still nice to look and pretend

I'd not leave a shop for a tantrum, I just carry on narrating what we are doing etc. And I honestly don't think I've ever clocked anyone "judging me", if anyone notices it's generally a sympathetic smile or nod!

I think you're fine as you are, makes sense to just carry on rather than make a big performance of in and out the shop. That feels more like giving in to it and adding energy to the tantrum.

I don’t think I am really worried about people’s opinions but more so worried I might have been unintentionally doing something to harm my child. As in, maybe people are looking because it’s for some reason damaging for a child to keep shopping once they are upset? And yes the movie night was the treat not the shop obviously. My older child enjoys choosing their own snacks though. It’s obviously not worth traumatising the toddler just for that though.

I always feel sorry for the Mum having to cope with judgmental shoppers when coping with a tantrum. I had no patience for tantrums when mine were young, they were dealt with speedily with "the look" of pure hatred (my adult daughter once told me) and hauled them out of said shop. I had time, you don't.

When your toddler throws a tantrum you don't have time to rationalise, you just have to do what is right at the time. You have my total sympathy.

A toddler doesn't have the concept of delayed gratification, in the same way as 'punishment' doesn't work as discipline until much older.

Any kind of reward or discipline needs to be immediate and logical to the situation at hand.

I’m not sure I follow? Do you mean they wouldn’t have known we were getting snacks for a later movie night? I didn’t expect them to understand that. The older child understands though. Not everything we do is catered directly for the toddler. We had already been to a sensory play place for the toddler which the older child found a bit boring. I try to find a balance of doing things we can all take part in but some things are naturally more geared to one child than the other because of the nearly 5 year age gap

You can only do what you can do. You're a single parent, with only one pair of hands and you can't leave the house without your young children in tow. You won't be doing any harm to your child by not leaving the shop when they are having a tantrum. It's not ideal for anyone, but needs must.

I wouldn’t leave. I’m not really bothered about the noise either. I’ve been in shops when adults have been making loads of noise and (assuming it’s not violent obviously) I don’t care, they have a right to be there too. It’s a shop as well, it’s not like it’s impacting their use of the space, like it would in a cinema for example.
I would typically try to distract or try calm my child down, if I can’t I just tell them I can see they’re upset, I’m sorry they feel that way but we have to shop, and I’m here if they would like a hug/ let me know when they want to help shop again. but I would never leave.Half the time the tantrum is because they want to leave anyway, so that seems like I’d be teaching them the wrong thing. I don’t think it’s doing any harm, it acknowledges their feelings, offers support, but sometimes we have to get through boring things. Obviously different if you’ve got them shopping past bedtime or when they’re starving or something, but assuming that’s not the case I don’t think it’s doing any harm.
I always just feel sorry / solidarity for the mums I see with children having tantrums, you have to be an ass, or childless to judge. I think I’d only judge a bit if I saw the mum dealing with it terribly, as in screaming at a young child, but even then I’d think who knows what she’s already dealt with today.

In a shop? Do whatever works for you and your kid. Kids needs to be able to exist in public. Most people will be sympathetic, and ignore the rest.