AIBU to not leave the shop when my toddler is having a tantrum?

[Sunshine231]

What is the appropriate response to your toddler having a full blown tantrum in a shop or other public place? I always stay and continue my shopping, albeit at speed but the looks I get from other shoppers tell me that maybe IABU and I’m supposed to abandon my trolley / basket and take said child immediately out of the store. I asked a friend and she also said she would leave straight away.

The reason I don’t do that is because a) my toddler has tantrums daily at random and I’d never get anything done if I just stopped it every time they started; b) I’m usually in the shop because we really need something, that need doesn’t go away so I’d have to return to the shop later anyway; and c) taking the child out of the shop does not magically end the tantrum and therefore help the child emotionally, they will continue until they are done whether I’m in a shop or not, so I don’t feel I’m “harming” the child by continuing what we are doing (btw I will do the whole script of I can see you’re upset, you wanted XYZ and you couldn’t have it, it’s ok to be upset etc., suggest “blowing bubbles” or blowing out candles to model deep breaths and also periodically offer cuddles while continuing getting what we need though I can’t say it really helps and sometimes seems to make it worse even).

For context an example of this was at the weekend, I told my older child we could go buy snacks for a movie night. Toddler saw a huge car thing in the shop they wanted, I said no. Tantrum immediately ensued. They are quite loud and once the tantrum starts literally anything I say to them will make the screaming more intense. I carried on getting the snacks because leaving at that point would have meant disappointment for the older child and them potentially thinking the toddler was to blame. I really don’t want them to resent each other. But I got so many people looking at me in horror as if I was being abusive and it made me think maybe I’m doing the wrong thing?

Just curious what others perspectives are on this?

Depends what the 'tantrum' is really. If its a lay on the floor protest but not accompanied by too much noise we sit it out. If its loud shouting and screaming then we absolutely leave to save other people's peace but we only go outside to calm down and that takes as long as it takes. Once they have calmed we go back inside and finish the shopping because sometimes in life things have to be done. If the tantrum re-starts then out we go and the process starts again. The only reason I would finish my shopping is if I was already done and tantrum was at the checkout.

No, you’re fine. When this is happening it always feels like everyone in the shop is furious with you, but I’m here from the other side to say lots of us are thinking only ‘oh god, poor woman/man, I remember what that was like’. Anyone deliberately giving you evils is just being judgemental. Lots of people are looking just because of normal human curiosity as well (‘which kid is making that noise?’).

All of my toddlers tantrums are the loud screaming kind. How do you find the time to keep going in and out of the shop like that? I work full time and I’m a single mum, I am already playing catch up with time 24/7.

Also what do you do with your trolley while you’re outside? What if you go back in and it’s gone? Do you just start your shop from scratch?

And shops are not all made for easy exits, you have to go through the checkout to get out in most of the shops round here, I just can’t imagine doing that multiple times in one shopping trip 🙈

Well, it depends, doesn't it? On the scale of the tantrum, where you are, is Send involved, how essential and time-dependent the task is, etc. There is no hard and fast rule.

The usual advice is to know the usual triggers and then plan avoidance strategies. So avoiding times when they are tired or hungry. And never ever agreeing impulse purchases. This is our shopping list and we can only buy what we planned to buy. Then never waver.

I would leave the shop to wait out the tantrum if possible. If you have a trolley of stuff, ask a staff member if you can set it aside somewhere. Return when the tantrum has ended.

It's hard!

I'd tend to get a delivery if I didn't have the time to take them out. Yes, when they're older, they need to learn, but it's hard when they're at that stage, so I'd just make it easier on myself and them.

I used to plough on regardless. Stuff has got to get done. It’s kind of embarrassing but I cannot remember anyone giving me grief (apart from a woman on the train when I couldn’t get my 1yo to be quiet but we ended up having a “frank exchange of views” and sometimes that’s life).

If I see someone now with a kid having a tantrum my only thought is “thank god it’s not one of mine”.

You know I was going to reply and say I would, but my son had maybe two big tantrums to date in his whole life, and he’s nearly five. It’s obviously really different if it’s a regular occurrence!

I’d try to be aware and respectful of everyone else but you’ve gotta get through your day too.

Ah The joy of toddlers 💐

It might help to tell your toddler in advance what you will be buying, eg we are only buying food, we will not be buying anything else, so don’t ask.

Another trick if they see something they like is to take a picture of it and say we’ll think about adding it to Christmas/Birthday list.

Don't worry about people's looks, mostly they are just looking towards a noise to check everything is okay, there aren't many who would be judgey. We've all been there and you know what's possible for you and your dc.

I just carry on, if they are on the floor I will wait with them and apologise if we are in someone's way, if they are in the trolley/in a sling I just carry on.
I have had lots of therapeutic interventions for my oldest (now 6, likely autistic) and across the board all the training and professionals I have been involved with have said that the worst thing you can do during a tantrum is keep talking to them. Offer a few short words of reassurance, stay calm, but shut up essentially. I do that with all of them now and although they do tantrum still, it is over quicker than when I used to try and coax them along and talk them through it. Talking comes after once their thinking brain is back online.
If people are giving funny looks in a shop just ignore them, I would guess most people are are sympathising with you anyway but the few that aren't can just move away from you - children are allowed to be out in public.

How often can it possibly happen? I had three boys and. can remember having to leave places a few times over their entire childhood. Delivery wasn't a thing then but my ex used to do shopping rather than leave me to drag the kids out. Or I'd go when they were at school or nursery. For you, I dont know why you wouldn't just get delivery if you can\t control your kid every time you go out.

I do tend to order online for the big shop. But ordering online for every eventuality gets so expensive assuming you mean like uber eats or something when it’s something you need last minute? Maybe the movie snacks is a bad example as it’s not an essential and was maybe a bad call on my part as I could just have not suggested we go get snacks.

I’m really quite surprised anyone has time to go in and out of a shop multiple times to accommodate toddler tantrums though

My 2 year old doesn't like busy shops so going in them will guarantee a tantrum with her screaming the place down but I have to carry on because like you said I'm in there because we need to be so I just get on with it, I don't really care if people are staring all adults know how toddlers sometimes are and it's not always avoidable.

I think it depends on actual situation and you on the ground at best palced to judge that. Sometime sonly thing to do is leave - other times ploughing on especailly if you have more than one child.

DS every time had one about going back out to pick up eldest who be upset if we were late - I did find ways to sometimes avoid that but it wasn't always possible. We did a lot of on-line shopping when they were this age to avoid some of the needed shopping trips but could not avoid all.

While it doesn't feel it at the time - most people are not judging but just greatful it's not them.

I haul her up off the floor, take her straight outside, wait for her to realise histrionics won't get her what she wants, then give a good telling off once she's calmed down. Then we go back in.

I do the photo trick with my older child, it works for them but the toddler is too young to understand that. I also really don’t think they would understand the concept of this is what we are and are not buying. They are only 2, maybe behind a bit in comprehension

Neither of my kids had a tantrum in public phase (by chance), but I only feel sympathy when I see it. As I’ve got older I’m much more sensitive to loud noise and so would perhaps look like I’m in discomfort but I wouldn’t be intending to look pissed off (I try my best not to let it show on my face if I am struggling with the noise).

yanbu you need to buy food it’s a basic need and you don’t have any options except expensive emergency deliveries (which I am constantly blowing money on!) but if my toddler does this in a shop I usually open a carton of juice or box of rice cakes etc to distract him and keep his mouth busy

Tantrums are rarely at random, look for the patterns and triggers - hunger, tiredness, overstimulation are the big ones, manage yours and your toddlers life to manage those.

People will look, it's a normal response to a distrubance nearby, it would be odd if they didn't. Some will be pitying you whilst having flashbacks to their own toddlers worst tantrums (Matalan, when i thought i could squeeze in a return between pre-school gym and lunch - fucked up there - see above point about triggers!!), some will look because they find the sound of a distressed child deeply unsettling - a normal maternal response, some will judge because they have never had kids/ not yet and don't get it. Just ignore them.

But, removing someone from the situation is a good strategy, whether they are a toddler having a tantrum or an adult having a panic attack. You will be teaching a valuable life skill by taching your toddler of the need to do this.

I have been very fortunate not to have had tantrum prone kids. I don't think it is through anything I have done other than I am very consistent and stay very calm when a tantrum occurs. (I actually get more upset myself when they are singing and messing about in the aisles!) Pp suggestion of not saying much and remaining available is good.

But I wanted to comment here to say that I have been around my friends' kids during a bad tantrum and I have also seen strangers' kids mid tantrum in shops and have never expected them to leave the shop to deal.

I think if it's a restaurant, museum, library etc then yes as there is an element of disturbing others time and enjoyment but I don't think that applies at a supermarket.

I would just order it online and have it delivered. 🤷‍♀️

I'd stay and shop too. Obviously build in as many tantrum minimising tricks / schedules as possible but don't abandon the shopping.

I would ignore the tantrum, carry on shopping, talking to them like ‘ok let’s get this pasta for tea tonight, and we need the milk for breakfast…’ they’re getting attention, but they’ll sharpish realise they’re not getting the kind of attention they want and you still get to finish what you are doing.

Because if you’re a single mum who doesn’t have an “ex” to do the shopping for you, then you do sometimes have to leave the house with the kids. What if you realise you have run out of nappies and you’re alone with the kids? Those delivery apps are so expensive although sometimes I do use them in a pinch if the kids are tired, or it’s late etc.,

I work when they’re at school / nursery. I can’t just pop out of work to head to the shops 🤣

Yes I agree a restaurant, museum, library I would definitely leave. In fact I would very rarely take the toddler to any of those places unless it was specifically a kid friendly type of place