AIBU to not leave the shop when my toddler is having a tantrum?

[Sunshine231]

What is the appropriate response to your toddler having a full blown tantrum in a shop or other public place? I always stay and continue my shopping, albeit at speed but the looks I get from other shoppers tell me that maybe IABU and I’m supposed to abandon my trolley / basket and take said child immediately out of the store. I asked a friend and she also said she would leave straight away.

The reason I don’t do that is because a) my toddler has tantrums daily at random and I’d never get anything done if I just stopped it every time they started; b) I’m usually in the shop because we really need something, that need doesn’t go away so I’d have to return to the shop later anyway; and c) taking the child out of the shop does not magically end the tantrum and therefore help the child emotionally, they will continue until they are done whether I’m in a shop or not, so I don’t feel I’m “harming” the child by continuing what we are doing (btw I will do the whole script of I can see you’re upset, you wanted XYZ and you couldn’t have it, it’s ok to be upset etc., suggest “blowing bubbles” or blowing out candles to model deep breaths and also periodically offer cuddles while continuing getting what we need though I can’t say it really helps and sometimes seems to make it worse even).

For context an example of this was at the weekend, I told my older child we could go buy snacks for a movie night. Toddler saw a huge car thing in the shop they wanted, I said no. Tantrum immediately ensued. They are quite loud and once the tantrum starts literally anything I say to them will make the screaming more intense. I carried on getting the snacks because leaving at that point would have meant disappointment for the older child and them potentially thinking the toddler was to blame. I really don’t want them to resent each other. But I got so many people looking at me in horror as if I was being abusive and it made me think maybe I’m doing the wrong thing?

Just curious what others perspectives are on this?

From 10 months old maybe earlier all crying, and tantrums in a shop/restaurant/pub or any public place, we left and calmed down outside.... By the time she was 2 she knew not to cry as she would have to be taken outside and we would do the thing we were doing when she was calm.....

If the child is distressed then the parents get nothing but sympathy from me. On the other hand, the dad whose perfectly content toddler was squealing as loudly as humanly possible (in a "OH, MY VOICE CAN DO THIS?" way, completely not distressed or crying at all) and he did absolutely nothing to try and stop the child? Nah, I'm definitely judging him for that!

OP youve had a few nasty comments.
You do you. I only had 20months between my 2 and I did whatever I had to do when out and sometimes chocolate and bribery didnt work but I still needed to get something so I persevered. Anyone judging is a knob. A knob in public, so your child has every right to be there just as they do and if they dont like noise they can stick earphones in or leave. Your only responsibility is to yourself. You will not traumatise a toddler by letting them tantrum. When theyre in that mood you cant do much to appease them so I do resort to bribery with chocolate or a toy if I can afford it cause I know once mine starts itll be a while before he stops and im a fan of picking battles.
2yr olds cant be taught (unless through fear) or reasoned with so anyone saying that is talking nonsense. Also a 2yr old can be 24m or 35m and theres a massive difference in development at that age.

The most important thing is for your toddler to realise that there will never be a time when a tantrum gets him the attention he wants. I admire mums who just keep on parenting and ignoring their tantrumming trolley toddler.

My DS has just turned 2 and absolutely does understand the concept of "we are going to X and after that we do Y". It's how I avoid most tantrums. If he knows what to expect, he's fine.

If I were to spring a supermarket shop on him without explaining what and when to expect i.e. "we are going to finish the puzzle, then put shoes on and go to Tesco",I can guarantee a tantrum.

But no, he would not understand the concept of a treat, especially if he is already upset. You don't promise stuff for after, I think it's too young.

And something might be wrong if you are getting so many tantrums.

Kids are rough. And each one is different.

My 2yo sits and has their hair cut like a little angel. Cinema? Fine. Restaurant? Fine. Take him into a clothes shop and its like a feral demon takes over. Tantrums, diving under the clothes racks, running round them while yelling what shape it is. Food shopping is intermediate.

I reduce it as much as I can. Sometimes I just have to do it. Sometimes with a toddler in the trolley or over my shoulder screaming 🤷‍♀️

I've only had one full blown tantrum in a shop. I had two kids with me at the time and the younger one joined in for fear of missing out so I physically couldn't have left as neither of them were going willingly and I can't pick two of them up at the same time.

I actually think it's one of these situations where it's fine to leave if you want and it's fine to stay if you want. I wouldn't worry about the other shoppers - it's unlikely you'll inflict it on the same person more than once😅

Other parents will understand. If it's not my child and they're not being abused then a random childs tantrum isn't going to bother me.

You arent harming him by ignoring him. In fact, I’d recommend ignoring him even more. If he kicks off, pop him in the trolley and carry on interacting with your older one. The less energy and attention into it, the better. No script needed IMO.

I do think it’s worth reflecting after to see if there’s anything you might have done to avoid this situation in the first place. Of course sometimes children need to do things they don’t want to do. But could you pop out at your lunch break or on your way to work instead? Could you go to a smaller shop for treats for your older one? Have a stash of fun things in a cupboard for the next movie night and your older one can ‘shop’ in there? Just a few things to limit these experiences and then you won’t be so drained the next time as it will be less frequent.

What do you think might be “wrong”? From what I’ve read and discussed with the health visitor the frequency of his tantrums seems to be within the normal range.

However he is a really loud child so even a minor upset probably sounds like a huge tantrum to an outsider. His dad has a really loud voice so I’m assuming it’s a fun genetic quirk he’s inherited.

Also I’m assuming 2 year olds vary in their comprehension level. Just because your 2 year old understands doesn’t mean they all do. I’m glad your 2 year old is so advanced. My 2 year old is obviously a bit slow on the uptake, or as my nanna would say “the lights are on but no one’s at home” 😂

You need to learn how to parent. You child obviously has the upper hand. Having multiple tantrums, daily, is a sign that your parenting isn't working for you or your child.
Don't burden everyone else with your out of control child. Get your shopping delivered instead.

It depends:

Screaming like they're being murdered and throwing things off the shelf/running around - leave
screaming like they're being murdered but contained in a trolley - I might leave if it didn't settle quickly
anything less definitely stay

I’m not drained by it though, it’s never really bothered me until I started to think people might be looking because I was doing something wrong or harmful to my child. Then my friend also confirmed this thought.

To be truthful, if it isn’t damaging him long term then I couldn’t really give a crap if he’s having a tantrum other than obviously feeling sorry for him that he’s distressed. Im not bothered by the noise personally. It’s hardly a night at the opera but I don’t find it particularly “draining”.

And yes I could baracade myself in the house to avoid this situation ever again but my question was more what do others do WHEN the situation occurs. I’m not asking how to avoid it happening because the answer to that is very obvious (not going to the shop with him)

The difficulty for me is if I couldn’t get away from your kid in the shop and then I had to leave (leaving my trolley etc) as the noise of a kid screaming cuts right through me and is completely unbearable to me.

I’m not suggesting YOU take him out if you can’t but while he’s going through this behaviour try to minimise trips with him to small shops 😂 (for the good of everyone else).

I got deliveries when my kids were that age. They just tantrumed every bloody time and nobody needs that.

You crack on with what you need to do. It’s not easy but you’re there for a reason. On rare occasions, perhaps leave but it’s not the way to deal with it everytime. You’d never achieve anything otherwise and the child learns they call the shots every time.
You’re way more conscious of the situation, people will be looking in sympathy and remembering what it’s like. Ignore the res 💐

Well you know more than my health visitor and many of the expert parenting bodies out there. I’ve never really thought of him as out of control, no concerns with him at preschool and he attends full time. I shall keep him confined to our home in future, no more impromptu movie nights for us 😅

I’m not sure where I indicated that I don’t minimise it but I do have another child to think of and I’m a single parent. I’m not taking him shopping multiple times per day just for the giggles. It’s maybe a once or twice a month thing. I was really asking what other people do IF this happens not asking how to avoid it or trying to say it’s a daily occurrence.

God can you imagine being so angry and someone patronisingly saying ‘Oo I know you’re upset, it’s ok to be upset, Thats a big feeling isn’t it’ etc etc
It would make me 10 times angrier than I was initially.
I’m all for gentle parenting but I think there are times for it and mid screaming tantrum is probably not it. Wait and talk about it afterwards if you want to, reassured them you’re there if you need them but I would stay firm with the ‘no’ and even explain why but then just shut up and crack on; dont keep poking and making it worse whilst in an active tantrum.

i also find setting expectations before we go about what we’re buying etc helps massively.

but to the original question; yes, when my kids tantrum I keep shopping or doing whatever it is (after they’ve stopped - I just stand still until they’re done if they’re not in the trolley)

I don’t disagree that a lot of the gentle parenting stuff is patronising and sometimes I feel a bit silly doing it but there’s so much noise about how to parent best and I’m always worried about getting it wrong. My own parents took the harsh parenting style, fear based, with a lot of shouting, smacking and being isolated if you were upset. So I am very much parenting without a manual so to speak.

I think I probably do typically take the “say less” approach when he has a tantrum at home but maybe in public I am just a bit worried I’ll look like an abusive parent just ignoring my child while he’s clearly distressed.

My sympathies OP. My son had the most awful tantrums. I mean full blown, hanging upside down screaming blue murder or super- glued to the floor type. I was a single parent too but I did generally used to leave the shop until such time as he calmed down, which took ages. However, I only had the one child to consider and it was 45 years ago when the general public was far less forgiving about such things than they are now.

My DD had only a handful of memorable tantrums as a toddler/ pre-schooler, she also had a speech delay/ speech sound disorder (2 years of SALT). I don't think everyday is normal, and there are so many things you can do to help.

Everytime my DD did tantrum I'd reflect on it, what led up to it? what could I have done differently?

Generally it was down to
HUNGER (she still get massively 'hangry' now at 8) ,
OVERTIRED (she stopped napping at 2 so I didn't have to factor in naps so much as being very respectful of a 7pm bedtime),
OVERSTIMULATED (she could only managed one organised activity a day). Friends used to plan playdates at cafes after playgroup/ wraparound lunch club/pre-school and then wonder why their kids had massive meltdowns and the whole experiences was a negative one, I'd just make my excuses and get DD home because I knew what would happen if I took her, thus no tantrum! The friends would comment on how DD never tantrumed, it was a concious effort, sometimes I would have loved to go for cake too.
Also being UNWELL, she has an incredible immune system, often when all the kids around her are dropping like flies her only symptoms will be that she becomes entirely unreasonable and sleeps in longer than normal, not properly managed as a toddler 'unreasonable = tantrum'.

Also, language wise, there is much you can do here, read or listen to 'how to talk so little kids will listen', I never made it through the whole book but it explains that when language develops they learn the verbs and nouns first, the 'fluff' (contractions, prefixes, suffixes etc etc comes much later), so if you tell a small kid to 'don't run' all they hear is 'run', so they do it, possibly putting themself in danger, you get stressed because of the danger and the fact they didn't listen, and they think it is funny (what toddler doesn't love chase with mummy), so the whole situation escalates in seconds. If you had just said 'Walk' or 'Stop' the thing you actually want them to do they would have likely done it and life would be good. It takes bit of mental effort for a little bit, but OMG it works so well, and you will soon just do it without thinking.

So yes there is a LOT that you as the parent in this situation can do to manage it better.

Depends so much on context that there isn’t a convenient answer. What I would not be doing is to try reasoning with them, a sharp no you need to be quiet can be far more effective

Are you a child development specialist? Everywhere I have read says it is within the normal range (range being the pertinent word here because the range of normal is so vast at that age). So your toddler had only a couple of tantrums EVER and you went through this stringent review process all of the 3 times it happened 😂 you sound like an A* parent and your child sounds perfect, huge pat on the back for you

In the name of inclusion SEN children are no longer sent to separate schools or hidden away in education.
genuine question for those who say just stay at home and get delivery or leave. Children have to deal with their education being disrupted because other children with higher needs do exist too. Why should adults expect quiet shopping either. They need to be more tolerant.
Toddlers are too young at toddler age to know if there is SEN involved yet anyway.