Husband upset after my unemployed son criticised what we spend on car

[Incitatus12]

I am a teacher and don't earn a huge salary. My husband helped me to buy a fairly humble car, a 2nd hand Toyota. Hubby also pays for the insurance on the vehicle, so actually is paying most of the costs of the car. My son, 23, unemployed and living with his dad, made the comment that I should have bought a far cheaper car (not really possible - the Toyota was cheap, as cars go) and instead spent the money to support him. My husband is really angry at the comment, saying that my son, as an unemployed person, has no right to tell my husband what he should spend his money he works hard for, on. He no longer wants to allow my son to come over for weekends, because he says he's not willing to spend money supporting somebody he calls a deadbeat and who has the audacity to tell him, as a working person, how he should spend his money. I'm conflicted.

What exactly are you conflicted about? Your son sounds like a waste of space. I’d tell your son to keep his opinions to himself until he’s actually contributing to society rather than leeching off it

Your son needs to grow up and get a job. It’s nohb what you spend on a car. He’s 23 and should be supporting himself not sponging off his family. Has he ever had a job?

He's had 3 jobs, all of which he's quit.

He's still my son.

I'd just calmly ask him to explain his reasoning.

Another one here who doesn't understand what your conflicted about?

Your son sounds like an entitled brat. Tell him to get (yet another) job.

Your son is a deadbeat in other words and a leech. Your dh is right. DS needs to get a job, keep it, lose his attitude and support himself.

I drive a Toyota- they are work horses. Great value cars.

your son needs to wind his neck in. My parents drove top of the range Mercs & BMWs & I would not have dreamed of commenting on their choice of car. When they were in their 20s they drove old bangers so why not have a decent car later on. They worked for it.

And you’ve done what about that? Your job was to raise him to be ready to enter the world. Sounds like he is a bit of a loser but you’ve never had it out with him and told him to sort his life out, since he seems to expect money from you as standard.

Most people wouldn't want to ban their imperfect child from their home. Even if they are a male child.

Son has no say on what is spent and why but I also don’t see why this is an issue. Husband annoyed son made a comment. Ok. Move on.

Hmmmm. You raised him. Did you excuse his bad behaviour throughout childhood because "he's still your son"?

Why is your son commenting on how you should spend your money and what kind of car you should drive? He has no business interfering in your finances. Does he come over and stay every weekend? Perhaps some negotiation is needed on his visits, in light of his recent rude comments.

He can be your son, you can love him dearly, but he is still deadbeat. Tell him to come back when he has a job and then you can have a serious conversation.

Your son is allowed to have stupid opinions.

Whether you should do anything about his situation in terms of continuing to support him financially from your own money is up to you.

Your husband should not be financially supporting your son (unless he wants to freely).

And?

that doesn’t excuse rudeness

just because you gave birth to him doesn’t mean his opinions trump that of your partner

Why does your son think your husband (indeed anyone) should spend any money on him?

Listen I'm the first one to say people need to be more strict on their kids, but he is still her son. Most people don't disown their children when they are disappointing. What exactly are you suggesting?

I'm not sure why you are conflicted. Simply say to your son that your DHs spending is none of his concern, and that as DS is a grown up then no one needs to be supporting him any longer, especially a man who is NOT responsible for him.

Tell DH to stop overreacting. Agree with him that your DS is an knob, but point out that you aren't banning him from your home and that he's still welcome to come see you at weekends. You'll pay for his food if DH is going to be silly about this.

It's an absolute non issue.

He may be your son, but that does not make him a saint, or right in what he says. Your husband, on the other hand, appears to be right in this instance.

Support your husband and tell your lazy son a few home truths!

Your son is talking nonsense, and should be told so, but your husband sounds like an overreacting PITA.

Yes he comes to our place every weekend, and we've never questioned this or asked him for a contribution. My husband is now saying that he no longer wants this to continue.

OP, I have some sympathy. My son is similar (nearly 21) although he's never quit a job. I think in this situation you should support your DH in his response and that the comment was out of order, but that you still would like your son to visit. I see your DH's point that your DS should be contributing at his age. I think if he comes every weekend he should be contributing to at least the food bill. I assume he is signing on, which means he's getting quite a bit of money unless he's giving it all to his Dad.

Why would you ask your child for a contribution when they only stay at weekends? No normal families are doing that. Sure an adult child who lives full time might pay some "keep". Even quite a lot of "keep", but normal parents arent charging their children to visit.

Tell your husband that you aren't about to disown your son just because he's made a stupid comment, and he absolutely will be welcome in the house, and that you don't appreciate him calling him names.

Tell your son to not make ridiculous comments, and that it's not up to him and it's none of his business.