Husband upset after my unemployed son criticised what we spend on car

[Incitatus12]

I am a teacher and don't earn a huge salary. My husband helped me to buy a fairly humble car, a 2nd hand Toyota. Hubby also pays for the insurance on the vehicle, so actually is paying most of the costs of the car. My son, 23, unemployed and living with his dad, made the comment that I should have bought a far cheaper car (not really possible - the Toyota was cheap, as cars go) and instead spent the money to support him. My husband is really angry at the comment, saying that my son, as an unemployed person, has no right to tell my husband what he should spend his money he works hard for, on. He no longer wants to allow my son to come over for weekends, because he says he's not willing to spend money supporting somebody he calls a deadbeat and who has the audacity to tell him, as a working person, how he should spend his money. I'm conflicted.

Everyone sounds rather chippy and petulant. DS was out of order, but no need for DH to sulk about it or turn it into a feud.

Did your son know that your DH paid towards the car? Because in the OP you said
son, 23, unemployed and living with his dad, made the comment that I should have bought a far cheaper car.... instead spent the money to support him
.. which I take to mean that he's asking you to support him, not DH.

Your husband as every right to feel aggrieved! What an entitled lazy brat your son is being. I'd be mortified.

However while I would be disinclined to carry on inviting him round every weekend, I wouldn't cut him off completely . Maybe he will get a grip, stand on his own two feet and get a job one day...

Your son is a dick, biting the hand that feeds him. Tell him to get a job and support himself, he's too old to need his mummy to look after him.

This.

How was it dealt with in the moment?

This seems the sort of thing that you should have swiftly shut down, but you ignored his utter rudeness and your husband is fed up of it.

I'd have been all over that comment like a rash.

What the hell is there to be ‘conflicted’ about? Your husband is absolutely 100% correct. Your son is an entitled, selfish deadbeat layabout. Tell him to get off his arse, get a job & contribute something to society rather than leeching off it. He might then get some self-respect and stop telling others how to spend their hard-earned money. Twat.

You're son's a feckless, gormless oaf, and a cheeky bugger. Tell him to do one

Only you can judge whether your son was just saying something stupid he didn't really mean or whether he's truly that entitled. Responses on mumsnet are always very harsh and I doubt many mothers are that brutal in real life. If he is at a loss what to do about his life I think a young person could be cut some slack, but he does need direction and a plan to get his life on track and some harsh reality may need to be delivered. But I wouldn't cut him off - I'd talk to him. At the end of the day, nothing has happened here but some words so "cutting off" is way beyond what is necessary.

Your son should have kept his mouth shut, but he's still your son, I wouldn't let my partner estrange me from my children.

Your son sounds like he needs a dose of tough love. You defending him has probably contributed to his attitude. He does need to grow up and contribute. You need to work out how you are going to help him do that.

Your son is an adult who doesn't even live in your household therefore he has no say in how you and your husband spend your incomes. On the other hand I think your husband is overreacting to ban him from visiting purely for making stupid comments on matters that don't concern him. He's still your son and I think if you go along with your husbands banning him from visiting it's going to cause a huge rift in your relationship. Yes he's stupid and needs to grow up get a job etc. I have a 22 year old who is irresponsible with money and downright annoying sometimes but I'd never banish her from visiting as she's my child and I love her as much as I love all of my kids

OP, I think your DH is correct. Why should he be expected to support a layabout that your son appears to be. Your son sounds like quite the entitled wanker there, that he's your son does not negate that.

Your son sounds an absolute idiot, and your husband sounds like he was waiting for a reason to kick off.
This is such an overreaction to something that at most, requires an eye roll/kmt.

If your son is only spending weekends at yours where does he live for the rest of the week? Does he live in his own place or with another family member such as his dad or a grandparent? Does he support himself with his benefits for the rest of the week. Your husbands comment makes it sound like you and him are financially subsidising him with everything

I'm not surprised that is your husband's stance on this.

I agree. Unless there's something the OP isn't saying about her son, there's absolutely no reason why her grown man of a son can't support himself. I'm presuming he's got few if any qualifications and has to take shitty low paid jobs, well tough, so do many of the population.

It's part of being an adult to realise that you have to pay your own way in life and if that means working at a job you don't like you just get on with it. Work hard, do well at that job and maybe you'll be promoted or can move to a better job when you've got more experience.

If the son hasn't yet realised that then it's time to have a hard talk with him. How does he anticipate his future? Is he going to expect his mother to support him at 25 or 30? He also can't be an attractive prospect for any woman( or man) if he expects to continue to be living off mummy.

OP, he needs to know that he has no right whatsoever to comment on your spending, and especially no right to expect that you should spend on him rather than buy a( not extravagant) car.
I have an adult son and I can't imagine him in a million years ever being so entitled.

In that case you should be telling him, in words of one syllable if necessary, that someone who throws away employment opportunities as if they grow on trees, has no right to criticise someone who IS in a job and chooses to pay for his wife's car. Your son sounds immature and unreliable and in no position to expect automatic support from his parents at 23.

I agree.
This is a dominance issue; having another adult male on his territory makes him feel threatened and he's jumping at the chance to finally see him off.
A confident man would remember that he was also a twit at that age and be able to deal with it in a mature way
I am not suggesting that your son shouldn't wind his neck in, btw!

Christ, this is unnecessarily harsh. There are ways of saying things. However he is, the OP still loves her son and. No need to be confrontational about the way she’s raised him.

Thank goodness for some common sense.

OP's husband sounds very quick to jump to banning her son from her home. That's not normal family behaviour for just disliking a comment he made. Families can disagree and even argue without going no contact or banning people from their homes

The OP says that the adult DS lives with his DF during the week.

Agree. So many people missing the point of the thread to put the boot in.

Yes, a son who has "had 3 jobs, all of which he's quit". A son who begrudges you a cheap car because in his eyes you should have "instead spent the money to support him".

So let's pick his comment apart a bit.

In what way does he feel you don't support him? In what way does he feel you giving him money is 'support'? At what age does he feel he is an adult? At what age does he think adults should take responsibility for themselves?

These are questions I think you should actually ask of him.

And - when he visits you at the weekends, what does he actually do? Does he contribute in any way? I'm not talking money, but does he spend time with you, or is he there to visit his friends who are local? Obviously he won't be hoovering and dusting (although he should be responsible for the care of his room) but does he ever offer to do so much as make you a cup of tea while you put your feet up? Or does he expect to still be catered to in the way a child of 10 would be? Does he eat with you and your husband as a family, or does he raid the fridge for whatever he wants and eats in his room or on his way out the door?

As comparison - I didn't expect my son to visit every weekend at 23. He had his own life, his friends, his girlfriend, his job, his studies. He visited maybe monthly, Whatsapping inbetween. (And yes it was often to visit local friends, but we'd eat together and go out for coffee together.)

"My husband is really angry at the comment, saying that my son, as an unemployed person, has no right to tell my husband what he should spend his money he works hard for, on."
Well, your husband is right, and I'm pretty sure you agree with him, don't you? How do you feel about your son's preference that you not have a reliable car but be shovelling money his way instead? I'd be disappointed, and yes - a bit angry.

"He no longer wants to allow my son to come over for weekends, because he says he's not willing to spend money supporting somebody he calls a deadbeat and who has the audacity to tell him, as a working person, how he should spend his money."
I'd have a talk with my husband about my son's visits. Have a think first if your son is visiting you to visit you, or to sponge, or because his dad wants a break from having him all the time. Have a think about what YOU want from your son's visits, and whether or not you're actually getting that. Or maybe your weekends feel as if you're being used as a hotel/crashpad? Have a think. Discuss with your husband what you want, whether you want the visits to continue as they already are, or whether you're dissatisfied with them too in any way and whether you'd like them to change.

And most of all - give your son a ticking off. He's 23 and keeps quitting jobs and expecting his parents to funnel money his way. I'd be upbraiding mine if he pulled that shit on me.