Husband upset after my unemployed son criticised what we spend on car

[Incitatus12]

I am a teacher and don't earn a huge salary. My husband helped me to buy a fairly humble car, a 2nd hand Toyota. Hubby also pays for the insurance on the vehicle, so actually is paying most of the costs of the car. My son, 23, unemployed and living with his dad, made the comment that I should have bought a far cheaper car (not really possible - the Toyota was cheap, as cars go) and instead spent the money to support him. My husband is really angry at the comment, saying that my son, as an unemployed person, has no right to tell my husband what he should spend his money he works hard for, on. He no longer wants to allow my son to come over for weekends, because he says he's not willing to spend money supporting somebody he calls a deadbeat and who has the audacity to tell him, as a working person, how he should spend his money. I'm conflicted.

Not this.

Your adult son thinks you should spend your hard-earned money to support him? And that your partner should do the same? Ha! That's ridiculous, and I would tell him that in no uncertain terms.

Of course, on MN some people seem to believe that parents should financially support their adult children forever, allow them to live at home rent free as long as they like without contributing to the household in any way, then provide them with a hefty deposit to buy a house, pay for their weddings, and so on.

In your shoes, I wouldn't agree with banning DS from your house, though I'd make it clear that how you and your DH spend your money is not up for discussion.

Or - this is an issue of a man seeing an adult child mistreat the woman he loves.

There's all sorts of possibilities here.

Oops I missed that part. The son needs to mind his own business about his mum's finances..surely if he isn't working he's most likely claiming his own benefits unless his mum and dad have told him not to bother(you do get some parents that do this to keep their adult kids living at home).

Your son was rude and should be told so, and that it's none of his business. However for your husband to try to ban him from the house...what a childish response, a mean minded pathetic excuse for a man. I can only assume his fragile ego has been wounded poor baby.

even if it is the man should be capable of dealing with it in a more mature way

Your son was very rude amd ungrateful, but your husband seems to be completely over-reacting. A sharp 'None of your business until and unless you're paying for it!', and then leaving it at that, would have been appropriate. It sounds as though your husband, and perhaps your son as well, are fighting over 'who's boss' with you. And you should be boss when it comes to your own decisions about your life. Your son should not be criticizing your spending choices, and your husband should not be trying to dictate your relationship with your son.

Also, some pp seem to be automatically assuming that your son is an entitled deadbeat without knowing the full facts. Has he ever had a job? Is he applying for jobs? Is he in any forrm of training?

Yes, your son shouldn't have said that, acting very entitled, but Also sounds like your OH has been looking for an excuse to stop your son coming over. total overreaction from him.

I agree. But maybe this has been the straw that broke the camel's back. We have no way of knowing.

Id have laughed and said to DS, youre 23 I assumed youd be supporting yourself

Why has he left his jobs, and are you sure he left versus was fired?

Are you happy for your OH to ban your son from your house over a stupid comment your son made, sounds very extreme to me. There's no way I would let my OH stop my son from coming to my house.

Exactly!
Unless the OP is coming back to say her son is aggressive/abusive; him being lazy and entitled does not warrant a permanent ban from her home.

Your son being banned over a comment which was rather crass and insulting especially as he was expecting those financial resources to be diverted to him despite him being unable to hold a job down.

However, your husband has been looking for a reason to ban your child from the home and the son has handed him a reason. I suspect there’s been some underlying tension between husband and son for years.

me too!! It seems to have been blown up out of all proportion especially to be banning him from the house.

Wait. He's quit all 3 of his jobs and is currently unemployed entirely ... and is annoyed that, with the support of your husband, you've bought yourself a sensible car to get to/from your own job rather than buy a clunker that won't be reliable so you can give him money? And he mooches at your house every single weekend?

WTF have I just read?

He may be your son, but if you keep enabling this nonsense and attitude you're going to be supporting the entitled immature loser for the rest of his life.

Your son is a rude bastard but just as it was none of his business what the car cost it’s not your husbands place to tell him he can’t come to your home

I wouldn’t. It’s none of his business. He needs to get a job, focus on himself and his own finances rather than yours

If your DS is 23 then why does he do visitation every weekend as if he were still a child Op? He's an adult and yet he lives off his DF in the week and then comes and lives off you and your DH at the weekend.I'd bet good money that your DH thought by now your DS would be self funding and dropping by now and again, instead your DS won't keep a job and expects everyone to give him money. Surely there were signs he wasn't maturing long before this?

True story
almost identical situation is why I’ve left DH number 2
on top of the entitled lack of working he does a 3 hour round trip to pick up and take home said 23 year old, despite the fact he can drive and has a car, he ‘just doesn’t like it’
refuses to help, pop to the local shop etc because ‘they are resting ‘
all enabled by DH, but no gratitude, not even invited his dad to his graduation. sick of arguments about it, I have lost all respect for DH who has clearly said he doesn’t care if this goes on forever. I’m out

I would so I could correct whatever assumptions led my offspring to believe the world works this way

That's my opinion and that of Manny other posters. Have a lovely day.

This exactly
your husband is right, but regardless of whether your son is unemployed or not it’s none of his business! Deadbeat is the word!

Another thing I got sick of.
at that age my boys are popping home for a visit, from their real adult lives. Not expecting their dad to drive a 3 hour round trip twice a weekend to pick them up. Treating a 23 year old like they are in a child arrangements setup is batshit

I would just ignore that comment from your son. He is only 23. I wouldn't bar him from visiting. That is OTT and extreme. Just ignore what he said and move on.