Husband upset after my unemployed son criticised what we spend on car

[Incitatus12]

I am a teacher and don't earn a huge salary. My husband helped me to buy a fairly humble car, a 2nd hand Toyota. Hubby also pays for the insurance on the vehicle, so actually is paying most of the costs of the car. My son, 23, unemployed and living with his dad, made the comment that I should have bought a far cheaper car (not really possible - the Toyota was cheap, as cars go) and instead spent the money to support him. My husband is really angry at the comment, saying that my son, as an unemployed person, has no right to tell my husband what he should spend his money he works hard for, on. He no longer wants to allow my son to come over for weekends, because he says he's not willing to spend money supporting somebody he calls a deadbeat and who has the audacity to tell him, as a working person, how he should spend his money. I'm conflicted.

Leave the relationship? When op is in her dotage who do you think is likely to be caring for her? The man who sticks up for her or the jobless lay about who thinks she should give her money too?

Team DH all the way.

I find your husband's comment quite extreme. I would never consider banning my child from visiting me over a thoughtless comment. Absolutely push back on the comment and make sure he knows it is unwelcome, but to ban him from the house is pretty disproportionate. Unless of course there is more to it.

Your son is a sponging scrote. You don't have to justify how you spend your money.

Yes if the man doesn't like the parent-child dynamic, he leaves the relationship.

It's a bit OTT to say your son can't come over for weekends for the crime of being a dipshit 23 year old!

Was it meant as a joke ? "Coulda spent that money on me?"....its utterly wild otherwise.. why would a 23 year old expect financial support when they can claim benefits or work?

Tell your husband that despite the fact he's a massive twat, he's your son, you love him and still want him to come to your home. That you will have a word with him about not saying these things again, and will reduce his visits to a shorter time so he's not sponging off you all weekend. Hopefully your husband will respect that it's your home too so you should be allowed to have visits if you want them.

Why would your husband be spending his money on your adult child??? He isn't even his son and even if he was, at 23 unless you are at university or doing some sort of training you should be in full-time work supporting yourself, mummy and daddy don't usually fund you as an adult to sit on your bottom doing nothing. Sounds like he needs to focus on sorting his life out and stay out of other people's business.

That at the very least hell
apologise and starts to sort his life out instead of trying to put his hands in her husbands wallet?

Considering the level of entitlement of the statement your son made, I don’t blame him.

What did you say to your son?

It’s none of your son’s business what your husband does with his money. Why is he quitting his jobs? I’d be more concerned about that.
What does his dad think of all this as he’s the one he’s living with.

A bit of a tactless comment but when you are unemployed everything is expensive.

The problem you have OP is that they are both twats. Your son is lazy and it’s completely unreasonable of him to comment on how you spend your money. Your husband is a twat because he should not be calling your son a deadbeat or saying he can’t come to his Mums house. I have faced a very similar situation and it’s awful because that’s your child but also your husband isn’t totally wrong.

No advice sorry. Maybe just meet your son out of the house from now on. It’s not going to get better though is it? I know, immune hasn’t gotten better end sometimes I wish I just didn’t exist because it’s an awful situation to be in.

Branleuse pretty much sums it up, and an apology from your son wouldn't go amiss. Maybe you need to sit ds down and explain how the world of adulting works.

Very entitled of your son to expect someone else to pay for him when he’s capable of working. Your dh’s reaction is a little extreme, but maybe was said in the heat of the moment. To be honest, if your son has quit three jobs, then maybe your dh’s comment wasn’t far from the truth. Is your son looking another job?

Your 23 year old, unemployed by choice, son is certainly entitled. I’m wondering how someone so certain the world owes them financial support reacts when told they don’t get to tell someone who works for their money how to spend that money? So did your husband respond to him directly? Or did your son make his comment to you? He certainly needs a sharp dose of reality. As for your husband’s threat to ban your son; I assume that was said in anger and he doesn’t mean it. If by some chance your husband is serious then, of course, you don’t allow him to ban your son.

I'm 100% behind your husband on this one- how does your son think he should be "supported" presumably he gets U?C the same as anyone who is unemployed his father is supplying a roof over his head- what else exactly does he imagine he is entitled to? It is incredibly insolent to tell you you should have a cheaper car so he can have spending money- he's lucky you even talk to him-I wouldn't.

I’m not sure the DS in question will be in receipt of UC? I’m not sure the OP has said that he is? Surely the Work Coach would have got him into work by now?

It sounds like your DH is pretty much fed up with your entitled rude DS.

Hopefully DH will calm down but also pull your son up and tell him not to comment on your finances because it's none of his business

I hope you're not still giving him money?

100pc agree with this.
Some very harsh, unkind comments on here.
OP's son is her son and husband has absolutely no right to banish him from weekend visits.
A throwaway comment has become distorted and magnified.
Worst things could have been said and done!

Your son sounds a mess. He gets to be, at 23, can happen to anyone

Just laugh it off and move on, who cares what he thinks 😄 - sounds like he was joking maybe?

Your husband has other jssues with him imo and is pissed off overall tbh, but he is your son so tell him to just leave it

how does your DH think this is going to play out? You never see your son in your own home again?

I was surprised by how many adult children (most from professional "middle-class" families, if that matters) live at home and have no jobs. I knew it was hard to get a job now, but it's scary how many people are in the same situation. So while I think it's rude what he said, he is far from being an unusual layabout, as some posters seem to suggest.

What’s the conflict? Your husband can’t ban your son from coming into your home for a rude comment that wasn’t even personal.