Husband upset after my unemployed son criticised what we spend on car

[Incitatus12]

I am a teacher and don't earn a huge salary. My husband helped me to buy a fairly humble car, a 2nd hand Toyota. Hubby also pays for the insurance on the vehicle, so actually is paying most of the costs of the car. My son, 23, unemployed and living with his dad, made the comment that I should have bought a far cheaper car (not really possible - the Toyota was cheap, as cars go) and instead spent the money to support him. My husband is really angry at the comment, saying that my son, as an unemployed person, has no right to tell my husband what he should spend his money he works hard for, on. He no longer wants to allow my son to come over for weekends, because he says he's not willing to spend money supporting somebody he calls a deadbeat and who has the audacity to tell him, as a working person, how he should spend his money. I'm conflicted.

You seem to have spawned an entitled waster. Enjoy your car.

You tell your son that when he is earning his own money he can spend it on whatever he wants too. Until then, he can butt out and stop trying to tell grown adults what to do with their own money. If you wanted you could spend the whole lot on jam ant it would still be none of his business.

Your husbands reaction is extreme and totally unreasonable.

How are you supporting your son at tbe weekend? Surely, you husband doesnt begrudge feeding and watering him. I wouodjt be provincial anything else.

You need to tell your son that he needs to keep his opinions to himself and at his age he needs to support himself.

He is a very entitled young man.

I view this differently.

id have laughed off my son’s comment and said something about when he’s working then he’s welcome to discuss finances and what things cost but until that time - zip it

I would not accept my husband calling my son names and saying he can’t come over.

your son clearly needs some support and guidance but this is a separate issue and I would not allow your husband to slag him off and that wouldn’t be tolerated

That’s my opinion

Is this comment the tip of the iceberg here though?

Your husbands reaction is extreme and totally unreasonable.

I bet her poor DH has had years of his snarky entitled behaviour and is at the end of his rope.

Did you tell your parents how to spend their money or better still suggest they buy a cheaper car and give you the money? I bloody doubt it. I hope this is rage bait as it's working, I can't believe you're giving your son any consideration.. He sounds like a loser, you are partly responsible possibly for his entitled attitude. I would be mortified if my child had his attitude especially factoring in quitting his jobs.
He could make suggestions on how to run finances when he's living independently and got lots in his savings etc. I really hope this is a wind up. I would be annoyed with you if I were your husband. Your husband has overreacted and needs to calm down. He can't ban your son from your home, that's not fair. Over this anyway. You need to give your son a reality check.

Then the correct thing to have done would be leave the relationship. Not try and dissolve the relationship between a mother and her child.

DH is absolutely right. That's a dreadful thing for him to think never mind say aloud to you. Are you bank rolling your DS? I'd be giving him no money at all and would be hoping his Father would be of the same mind. Don't enable him - if you love your kids you have to show them the right way - even if that is difficult.

Tell your son to wind his neck in, it’s not his business how other people spend their money. He needs to get a job, and keep it, and he’ll have his own money. He currently sounds like an entitled waste of space and I can see your husband’s point of view.

Your husband’s reaction is extreme. That level of anger is not justified. Your som has no business making the comment he did but it’s just a comment, not something that deserves to have him banned from his own mother’s home.

Your husband might be helpful when it comes to purchasing a car, but there is no man that would tell me my own son can’t come to my home and continue to have a place in my bed. I wonder if there’s more to this than a cheeky opinion about a car.

Fair!!

23 year old son - place in your bed? 🥴

Why is your son unemployed at 23?

Read it again...

Son sounds like a bum but if you're gonna enable it...hey ho.

I'd be mortified if my son got to 23 and was telling me I should be spending my money taking care of him because he was unemployed. How has it got to this? Seriously, my son is 8 and such a sweet child, I want to know how I can avoid him turning into someone like this.

If he’s quit jobs, then he won’t be entitled to job seekers etc will he?
which means someone (you or his dad - or both) are subsidising his arse while he dicks around.
I can see how infuriating that would be to your partner and how this crass,rude,bloody entitled comment could be a final straw

It's not about disowning him. It's about it being none of his business how his mother spends her own money and being told so. Especially as some of it was given to her by her husband who has nothing to do with this adult child. Her son can still be her son even if he gets told to get lost and get a job if he wants more money.

Team husband here. I know "he's your son" but he sounds both rude and entitled.

I think firstly I’d talk to your DH. Yes, your DS is lazy and yes he’s made a ridiculous comment but he’s still your DS and should be welcome in your home.

Then, separately, talk to your DS. Explain that you and your DH both work and what you spend your money on or don’t is entirely up to you, as it is for most couples. I’d also ask him why he feels that you should be supporting him? Neither of mine need support and both are younger than your DS.

Does he currently sign on for UC OP and what if anything are you currently paying for him?

I always tend to find that conversations like this go better if you’re somewhere neutral, like a coffee shop, so that tempers don’t flare.

Highly unlikely this is the first shitty comment from your son towards your husband and it’s no surprise he doesn’t want to accommodate a lazy unrelated adult man who makes shitty comments under his roof every single weekend. Who would? It sounds like a contact arrangement a child has, not normal for a 23 year old. Doesn’t he have friends or hobbies to occupy him?

Right on both counts.

I was just thinking the same. Maybe it’s just habit from when he was younger but it’s like his parents are sharing custody of a full grown man!
Kindly OP, that comes across as pretty bloody odd

Just tell your son not to be silly and point out that at 23 he’s an adult and needs to take responsibility for financially supporting himself. Just like every other adult has to do. Sounds like he is used to getting money from you, which is why he’s behaving in such a self entitled way? You need to take a hard line here, and step back from giving him money. He will then come to the realisation that no job = no money, and might make more of an effort to get and keep a job.