19 year old sons girlfriend is pregnant

[Susa1]

My 19 year old sons girlfriend is pregnant.

He called me freaking out last week soon as the test was done and said they didn’t want it then the gf goes out that day with the test and shows all her family and friends. So now they are keeping it as she’s made that decision and he hasn’t had a say. To me it’s all off she has pcos apparently and was on the pill that she ran out of and didn’t want to speak to a doctor as she doesn’t like speaking to people. Yet now she’s gong to have to with pregnancy. Her mum went out that day of finding out and bought all pink baby toys as she her words hopes for a girl and is buying a pram this week of finding out after a few days late with her period. Am I being wrong here or is the way they have handled it crazy?

Yes I wanted better for my son he has just started a pathway to a great career and almost driving his life was on the up. His gf has never worked or has any interest in doing so and this concerns me as I want my son to have a good life not struggle.

This. Unless someone penetrated him with a penis it isn’t rape, and as a rape survivor I take exception to that minimisation.

Fyi you dont get confirmation at drs anymore.You book in for midwife appointment at 8 or so weeks

Steady on. According to some posters on this thread the best we can expect from men is the chest-thumping rutting of everything that stays still long enough, and expecting abstinence and/or normalised condom use is just whistling up a gum tree. I’ve been accused of misandry by pick me women many times in my life, but I have to wonder who the real misandrists are when their opinion of men is so low . . .

So if he had said he didn’t want it she should have an abortion?

Presumably any such measure would invite a wave of men filing lawsuits every time the pill was being taken but failed. I can’t think of any way you could conclusively prove a woman wasn’t taking the pill at the time of conception that didn’t infringe her legal rights.

This case is slightly unusual in that apparently the girl has openly admitted (even boasted of?) lying about it.

So then he’s still risking her getting pregnant because the pill is not 100% effective even if taken correctly every day, without being ill or being on other medication.

Of course if she lied about being on the pill that’s awful but the pill doesn’t stop pregnancy 100% and so realistically it doesn’t matter if she was on it or not.

It’s very different to lying about wearing a condom because a condom is there to protect against STDs.
That’s why removing a condom is a crime but lying about the pill isn’t.

The male pill is something that will available one day but I would always tell my DD to use her own protection too because she’s having to rely on him telling the truth, taking it properly and not becoming poorly or taking something that counteracts it.

I hate when people say women get pregnant to ‘trap’ a man. It’s so misogynistic.

The only possible way a man can ever be ‘trapped’ is if a woman pokes holes in the condom he was wearing or uses the semen from the used condoms to get themselves pregnant - neither of which happened in this case and so he wasn’t trapped.

I feel for you. Total nightmare. I am sure you are unhappy about him being linked with her for life now. Think the tone of comments is unnecessarily unsympathetic

To all the people being so judgemental, don’t forget they are 19. Having better judgement of character, common sense and even thinking your girlfriend is lying to you isn’t something you can just assume at that age. It’s a rubbish situation for him to be in, yes he should have worn a condom, but if she was lying to him, and they’ve not changed their pattern of sexual behaviour, why would he suddenly be using a condom? She betrayed his trust and trapped him.

if they’d had sex and he had taken the condom off, known as ‘stealthing’, she could have him arrested. Can he do the same to her for not being honest?

yes I’m sure none/most of you didn’t get pregnant at 19, but I’m willing to bet you got in the wrong car, went to the wrong house, believed lies, made crap judgement calls and even got into a bit of trouble or hung out with the wrong crowd sometimes? Anyones brothers do stupid things? Putting everything on his shoulders when he’s actively been lied to is incredibly unfair. We all know teenage girls can be compulsive liars and very manipulative, as they are often smarter than young boys in that way.

I had a terrible boyfriend at 19, he was from a public school background at the boys school twinned with my girls school, from a lovely family but he was controlling and abusive behind closed doors, but I was stupid and got manipulated into not walking away sooner. 17-21 was awful for my parents as they couldn’t drag me away from him! But I was immature and couldn’t see it, you can’t judge teenage me for that!

it’s not just as simple as ‘wear a condom’, and anyone that just spouts that off as the only answer is being ridiculous!

🤦‍♀️

I don’t care if the man watches the woman take the pill every day. If they haven’t had sti testing and aren’t in a very long term, committed, monogamous relationship, not wearing a condom every single time is just plain stupid.

How old are you?

I’m curious if the split on wear a condom or condoms are difficult varies by what was going on with the aids crisis when we came of age.

Having watched my grandfather’s partner die before the disease had a name, I fall firmly into the condom camp.

@ForLimeHiker - I am sure you are right that 19 year olds don’t make the best, most mature decisions - which is why teaching them to use a condom every time is a good idea. If it is a habit, there is less risk of them not using one, due to a daft/immature decision.

Women have agency too.

If two people are in a relationship then they agree contraception with each other. It’s not realistic to expect a condom to be worn every time.

Where on earth did she get a sleeve at that age?

I hate the 'we were 19' excuse. My parents use that to justify stupid decisions all the time (they were that age when I was born). Decisions that affect me my whole life, even now.

I was pregnant at 19. I got married before I got pregnant and had a responsible conversation with my fiance about what would happen if I got pregnant (I told him I'd be having the baby, so he should be aware of that). Some of us think. I remember one occasion where I refused to get in the wrong car when I was 19. Ran my own household, was at university.

I was a bit sillier at 16, though still pretty sensible in general. Did get in the wrong car once and wish I'd known more about handling boyfriends and their demands then. Grew out of it by 18.

In which case imagining you won’t be a parent as a result of having sex is also unrealistic…

Good for you? But again, you’re (presumably) female, and women generally are less silly. I had a horrible boyfriend behind closed doors who was seemingly lovely in the open, and that was about the worst thing I did. He was abusive but I was never ‘off the rails’ etc. I was sensible too, very wary of strangers, never had msn/internet chat rooms as was too nervous after parental warning etc, but just because some people were sensible doesn’t mean everyone is. Teenagers can be and are often stupid and make poor judgements, they aren’t grown up yet, despite what the law says. How many 19 year olds are at university, married and pregnant and running their own households? Most 19 year olds at university are getting drunk, shagging and sleeping all day!

True, it's not the norm. I left school at 17 and, before we left, we got a very long session from the university student health team who came to our school about sexual health. I think it scared the life out of me.

I do think 19 year olds should be well aware of the gravity of the decisions they make around sex and having babies. If they aren't appropriately educated, that's a parental failure. If they are appropriately educated and still do stupid things, then they need to deal with the consequences and hopefully that will give them a clue.

I’m in my 30’s, and I can say quite safely say when I was in a 4-year relationship from 17-21 we were not using condoms after the first year or so, I was on the pill and there was an understanding if there was a pregnancy it would be terminated. Never had to happen thankfully but I never felt unsafe in that regard and wouldn’t say looking back I feel stupid about it. Been with my now husband for 10 years and even after we were married with our first child we agreed if I got accidentally pregnant before we were ready for a second that there would be a termination. Again, hasn’t had to happen.

You agreed on termination but you don't know how you would feel if it actually happened. Your DH should also be well aware that he gets no actual say in it (especially if he was just a boyfriend), so should wrap it if he isn't comfortable with that and that you could change your mind. Once there's a baby, he has no actual say.

So if I meet someone and they tell me they earn 6 figures and we start renting an expensive flat together, but they lied and are actually unemployed, thats on me for believing them? They’re not to blame at all?
Or if I buy a car and the dealer tells me it works great, only for it to break down after 2 miles, thats on me too for believing then?
At some point in all relationships, don’t we just have to trust the other person?

If the first guy got away with it to the point you were ready to move in, you'd have to be at least very unobservant. There's a huge difference in the lifestyle of a person with that kind of job and income and someone unemployed.

As for the car, I've never bought one without getting a mechanical inspection and report first. So I'd take some responsibility if I'd failed to do that. However, there are warranties and things that might cover that sort of thing.

Trust but verify.

I definitely agree that you don’t know how it might feel, but when my husband also supports me through pregnancy, c section recovery, funding my year off and looking after the family, I can’t expect him to accept having a baby at the wrong time just because I got pregnant and might want it. There does have to be some mutual say/understanding. We are a partnership and those women out there who force the situation aren’t being fair to the household? I’m sensible and understand the implications of nursery fees/household expenses and if it’s not the right time, don’t bring a baby into it.

Or you could have an agreement that on the chance the contraception fails, there’ll be a termination.

The notion that it’s either condoms or baby is ridiculous.

Indeed.

It's also a man's right to ditch his wife and run off with his younger secretary after said wife sacrificed her career to support him in growing his and maximising the family income. Doesn't make it right.