Was I overreacting about teenagers without transport home after drinking!?!

[Mumsytutu]

Morning,

I wanted to gather some perspective and others thoughts on something that isn’t sitting right with me. It’s actually really upset me but unsure if my moral compass is just a bit ‘stiff’ compared to other parents.

Last night my 14 (nearly 15) year old DS had 12 friends over in the garden for a few drinks (strict rules on no excessive drinking!!) I was struggling with the drinking part in the first place truth be told, then had a good think about what I was doing at 14! Drinking in the garden is definitely a much preferable option. (This isn’t the first garden party. he’s attended others, and has always proved himself responsible).

It was both boys and girls. We know the majority of the boys parents and they’re good kids, most came along with one or 2 ciders. Fine.

Evening was good (very noisy!) but we only have 1 neighbour so I had pre warned them and it was to be finished at 10pm, they were fine about it. The kids were fine. No dramas.

My DS confiscated some vodka from the girls to adhere to the no excessive drinking rules so I was comfortable that he was being responsible. For clarity, he had 2 ciders and the boys were mainly kicking a football around and having a giggle. Girls sat gossiping, all the usual sort of behaviour.

Boys and a couple of girls were collected by parents promptly and all was well.

That left 4 girls. About 10:30pm I went out to see what was going on as the girls had congregated on my drive, turns out they were waiting for * ‘s dad to send an Uber. We live in a village so whilst Ubers are possible, they are not super easy to get. I immediately offered them a lift home.
they refused and assured me an uber was on its way. I wouldn’t get my child an Uber personally, but each to their own.

I told them to come back inside and wait here. They used the loo before all disappearing (thanking me on the way out). I assumed their Uber had arrived.

My DS then gets a call to go to them. He disappears. I give him a few minutes and follow him to see what’s going on.

The girls are sat on the side of the road with one on the phone to her Dad asking for an Uber. (Clearly Uber has not been sorted!!). Another girl is on the phone to her mum and is clearly getting quite upset. I offer again to take them home. The ‘uber girl’ refuses on behalf of them all.

At this point, and as her dad is on loud speaker (Dad is away in a different city), I put my foot down and said I wasn’t happy they were sat on the side of the road with no transport home. I insist they let me drive them home. (Dad pipes up and tells her to “just get the lift home, she was supposed to be home for 10pm”) All the girls follow me back to my house and I take them home.

It then transpires that they were not all staying at ‘uber girls’ house (as I had assumed) and 2 of them were planning to then get a bus to another location. It’s now 11:15pm- I don’t think so!! Thankfully the buses have stopped running … so they’ll walk. We’re near the city, just no!! I insist they let me drive them and they agree. It was about a 7 minute drive!

Whats not sitting right with me (in case it isn’t obvious) is that at least 2 of the girls parents involved here have no idea their girls were just wondering around hoping to get an Uber home, if they knew they were even out! I would be furious if this was my child.
Why had no one arranged a lift with a parent and why did Uber Girls parents think this was all ok? I have no idea if Uber girls Mum was even home (apparently, she doesn’t care, this is she Dad her on the phone when he asked if she’d called her Mum). I know this is really non of my business, but it kind of is as I had to sort it out as I could not in good conscience just ‘leave them to it’.

I have a DD who is 10. This has really shocked me and certainly made me think. I would never let any of my children make their own way home after a party/ drinking etc. I’m really struggling to imagine any parent would if the knew the whole story!?

Am I being over sensitive here? Should I be doing something to talk to the parents (I would want to know, although hopefully wouldn’t ever put my child in this position)- I would rather not contact the parent, but should I be?…
Or is this usual behaviour and i’m just out of touch/ overprotective? I’m completely flabbergasted to be honest.

Would appreciate other parents thoughts, the friends I have spoken to (boy mums!) are also completely shocked.

Thanks for reading.

I don't think you can really take the moral high ground on other people's parenting when you're allowing 14yr olds to drink. Did their parents know that was the case before they attended your party? I wouldn't have been happy about either situation tbh the drinking or the lack of getting home plans.

To be honest, I wouldn't have wanted my dd to go to a garden party with alcohol at 14, so we've all got different ideas about what we think is acceptable parenting I guess.

I always insisted on picking my dd up whenever she went out, unless I knew that another trusted parent was doing it, because I wanted to be sure that she was getting home safely, but I realised quite early on that it was not the norm. I usually ended up with a car full of kids on every occasion as I hated to think of any of them being stranded. DD is 21 now and sometimes I still play taxi driver for her and her friends during the holidays when they're all home!

14 yo nd alcohol causing issues? This is a surprise?

Other than us saying just no not sure what the answer is?

My DS has just turned 14. I wouldn’t be happy if he went to a garden party with alcohol. But I agree the girls needed a lift home

Parents who are happy to let their 14 year old child to go drinking in another childs garden already aren’t bothered about their childs safety, so surely not a surprise that lifts aren’t organised.

Honestly . . . I think the kind of parents who are fine with their 14 year old going to a party and drinking are probably the type of parents who aren't going to be too fussed about how they get home either 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yeah no way I’d be supportive of 14 yr old’s drinking any alcohol at all. I don’t buy into the ‘what I used to get up to’ argument. Surely you want better for your own children?!

Notwithstanding the above, I would have just got them all in the car and driven them home once I realised they didn’t have a parent coming.

Far from stiff, your moral compass is decidedly limp and twisted.
If my 14 year old asked for a drinking party in the garden it would have been an emphatic ‘NEVER’.
What kind of message are you sending him and, worse still, his 10 year old sister?
Have a look in the mirror and sort yourself out.

At 14 I was secretly necking vodka in the woods with a big group of kids because my mum was so strict I constantly lied to her and she had no clue where I actually was a lot of the time. I always said when I had kids I’d be more open minded and create an environment where they could be honest with me. So I think that’s what you were doing here…. 2 ciders is waaay better than a bottle of vodka! So while a lot of people here are judging your choice, I completely get it.

I also agree it’s not great that the teens weren’t collected/planned for properly !

I agree with the others. It all sounds really lax to me. The drinking at age 14 isn't something I'd allow. I guess you don't know what tales the girls have told their parents with regards to getting home from Uber girls house. Perhaps they lied?

I wouldn't have let my 14 year old go to a party where they were going to be drinking alcohol so presumably they've lied to their parents in the first place about where they were and what they were doing. I don't think the parents are necessarily in the wrong here.

I'm pretty lax and I wouldn't have a party with booze for 14 year olds. Yes I used to drink at 14 but it shouldn't have been possible; all sorts of things happened that 14 year olds shouldn't have been trying to deal with sober never mind drunk.

I would assume that the other kids' parents thought they were doing something else somewhere else! If you have a party with booze for your kid all the other kids' safety does indeed become your problem!

We weren’t all like that as kids. It doesn’t have to be a race to the bottom.

I don’t think you should have allowed the alcohol. That’s not good. But I would definitely expect teens to get themselves home and not be driven home by the host’s mum. But if they were drunk, that’s a different story.

Did you speak to all the parents about their kids drinking at your house? You are responsible. They are children. Whilst I see you offered them lifts, you should have been sure of all these arrangements before letting them in. I would be furious if it was one of my children!

I let my DD’s 14 going on 15 friends have a garden party. The rules were I wanted all parent’s phone numbers, nobody could drink unless their parents allowed it and no hard liquors. Some kids went home in Ubers, some were collected, all were accounted for. I think it’s a learning curve for all involved.

I still don’t let DD18 get an Uber alone but DS20 has for a few years. I’ve always picked my DC up from parties and usually have a few mates to drop off too. Some parents don’t engage with lifts, relying on other parents to do their share, but it is what it is and I’d rather they all get home safely.

I think it’s probably highly unlikely that the majority of the kids had said “mum, dad I’m off to a party at xxxx’s house we’ll be drinking and finishing up at 10pm so how do you want me to get home?” I think very few often parents knew their kids would be drinking and probably just thought they’d be hanging out with their mates in a small group.

I was drinking in fields at 14 and going to clubs which were open to underage kids and would suddenly close if they were raided by the police. I went to parties where my friends (aged 14) ended up hospitalised with alcohol poisoning. My mum knew I was going and I always promised I would be sensible which I was but looking back, I was so young. I dont want my 14 year old drinking in gardens yet if I can help it. He doesn’t seem to be wanting to. It doesn’t seem to be a thing that him and his friends are doing luckily. I definitely wouldnt be offering kids to come my garden and drink.

I agree with all this. It’s not just the morality of teenagers drinking alcohol and their behaviour. The physical impact on teenagers developing brains and organs is well known.

I'm not even providing alcohol for my 17yo's birthday because I don't feel it's appropriate to give other people's under 18s alcohol. Over 18- fine. But yes the parents should have arranged suitable transport too.

I don’t think you’re overprotective at all, you just think your way of doing things is the only right way. I’m sure many of the parents didn’t think their child was going to the home of a 14 year old to be allowed to drink. You don’t really get to organise that and then bitch about everyone else’s parenting as though you’re the sensible one and everyone else is crazy.

Thanks!

interesting thoughts, thanks. Appreciate the feedback good and bad!

As I said, I struggled with the drinking when this 1st came up a few months ago. DS has never shown any interest in drinking, but, he talked to me about it, was honest and we agreed on 2 ciders max at any party and if he was irresponsible that would be the end of it. He has never given me reason to not trust him and has always withheld his end of the bargain. I have always collected him or shared lifts with a mum friend that I trust. That’s all I can go on.

Last night, all the parents that I know, were fully aware of the situation, some popped in for a cuppa. Those that I didn’t know I have no idea- but it clearly wasn’t these kids first rodeo.

These garden parties are quite a common thing. He went to one the other week with 80 kids in a field!! Some slept over (that was a hard no from me!).

He’s my eldest so first time navigating this and all I have to go on is our trust. He’s almost 15.

likewise, if he’s going to drink, I would rather have this communication. I would hate for him to sneak off and hide things. I also feel much happier he was in someone’s garden.

I can’t speak for other children’s parents and the truth they are being told, but please note, I only supply alcohol for my own Son. No one else.

I fully agree with you - this sounds like appalling parenting from the girls’ parents.

I have a 14 nearly 15 yo DD and I am always very clear about how she will be getting home and what time before she goes out. She has not been out in the evening yet but there is a big crowd of kids that hang round in the afternoon in town and she loves meeting up with them. She has just started getting the bus! (10 mins back from town but always in the day.)

Honestly I was not happy about the town at first but she had struggled with friendships at school and seems very happy now. she has been very reliable about her timekeeping.

First post nails it. You allowed 14 year olds drinking? And you're worried you're not as relaxed as other parents? Wow

What you're describing is the sort of get-together my classmates and I took part in after our A levels, when nearly all of us were 18!