Was I overreacting about teenagers without transport home after drinking!?!

[Mumsytutu]

Morning,

I wanted to gather some perspective and others thoughts on something that isn’t sitting right with me. It’s actually really upset me but unsure if my moral compass is just a bit ‘stiff’ compared to other parents.

Last night my 14 (nearly 15) year old DS had 12 friends over in the garden for a few drinks (strict rules on no excessive drinking!!) I was struggling with the drinking part in the first place truth be told, then had a good think about what I was doing at 14! Drinking in the garden is definitely a much preferable option. (This isn’t the first garden party. he’s attended others, and has always proved himself responsible).

It was both boys and girls. We know the majority of the boys parents and they’re good kids, most came along with one or 2 ciders. Fine.

Evening was good (very noisy!) but we only have 1 neighbour so I had pre warned them and it was to be finished at 10pm, they were fine about it. The kids were fine. No dramas.

My DS confiscated some vodka from the girls to adhere to the no excessive drinking rules so I was comfortable that he was being responsible. For clarity, he had 2 ciders and the boys were mainly kicking a football around and having a giggle. Girls sat gossiping, all the usual sort of behaviour.

Boys and a couple of girls were collected by parents promptly and all was well.

That left 4 girls. About 10:30pm I went out to see what was going on as the girls had congregated on my drive, turns out they were waiting for * ‘s dad to send an Uber. We live in a village so whilst Ubers are possible, they are not super easy to get. I immediately offered them a lift home.
they refused and assured me an uber was on its way. I wouldn’t get my child an Uber personally, but each to their own.

I told them to come back inside and wait here. They used the loo before all disappearing (thanking me on the way out). I assumed their Uber had arrived.

My DS then gets a call to go to them. He disappears. I give him a few minutes and follow him to see what’s going on.

The girls are sat on the side of the road with one on the phone to her Dad asking for an Uber. (Clearly Uber has not been sorted!!). Another girl is on the phone to her mum and is clearly getting quite upset. I offer again to take them home. The ‘uber girl’ refuses on behalf of them all.

At this point, and as her dad is on loud speaker (Dad is away in a different city), I put my foot down and said I wasn’t happy they were sat on the side of the road with no transport home. I insist they let me drive them home. (Dad pipes up and tells her to “just get the lift home, she was supposed to be home for 10pm”) All the girls follow me back to my house and I take them home.

It then transpires that they were not all staying at ‘uber girls’ house (as I had assumed) and 2 of them were planning to then get a bus to another location. It’s now 11:15pm- I don’t think so!! Thankfully the buses have stopped running … so they’ll walk. We’re near the city, just no!! I insist they let me drive them and they agree. It was about a 7 minute drive!

Whats not sitting right with me (in case it isn’t obvious) is that at least 2 of the girls parents involved here have no idea their girls were just wondering around hoping to get an Uber home, if they knew they were even out! I would be furious if this was my child.
Why had no one arranged a lift with a parent and why did Uber Girls parents think this was all ok? I have no idea if Uber girls Mum was even home (apparently, she doesn’t care, this is she Dad her on the phone when he asked if she’d called her Mum). I know this is really non of my business, but it kind of is as I had to sort it out as I could not in good conscience just ‘leave them to it’.

I have a DD who is 10. This has really shocked me and certainly made me think. I would never let any of my children make their own way home after a party/ drinking etc. I’m really struggling to imagine any parent would if the knew the whole story!?

Am I being over sensitive here? Should I be doing something to talk to the parents (I would want to know, although hopefully wouldn’t ever put my child in this position)- I would rather not contact the parent, but should I be?…
Or is this usual behaviour and i’m just out of touch/ overprotective? I’m completely flabbergasted to be honest.

Would appreciate other parents thoughts, the friends I have spoken to (boy mums!) are also completely shocked.

Thanks for reading.

But why do you assume they are not doing both?drinking at home, doesn’t stop you drinking in a field.

Around here these sorts of drinking gatherings are only a thing from Year 12 onwards, it’s definitely not a 14 year old thing. But that’s not the point.

As the parent of a 16 year old, I totally agree, I can’t understand how so many parents don’t appear to give a shit where their kids are or how they are getting home. I often feel like a taxi driver because I will pick my daughter up from a party, and end up being asked to drop 3 other kids home because they don’t have any other way of getting home.

Well he's already struggling with discipline at school but apparently not at home.

So that speaks volumes to me.

I find this with kids way younger than 14 as well. Mine are 12 and 8. Some parents are insane in what they let their kids do and the freedom they give them. The world is not a safe place for an 8 year old girl to wander freely.

I’m a social worker in the UK and I consider this to have been a bad idea from the outset. It would be considered a safeguarding concern that you have allowed a group of 14 year olds to drink alcohol at your property. If spending had got out of hand and the police attended, your details would have been passed to social services as a cause for concern. Same if the kids were still at school and a teacher became aware. There are age restrictions for a reason - the maturity levels of the children, their brain still developing, the likelihood of it encouraging greater drinking and risky behaviour. I think it’s even worse that you didn’t check with all of the parents of the children there beforehand that they were ok with their children drinking. I would have been furious if my child at that age attended a party and I found out alcohol was there. I would have raised merry hell.

We are the parents and have to make unpopular decisions sometimes as it’s about keeping our children safe. In my view 14 is just too young to be allowing the introduction of a powerful substance. Alcohol, unfortunately, can be worse in terms of its addiction levels and its harm that some drugs are.

Normal; doesn’t speak even the lowest volume!

Pot Kettle Black

I live in an urban setting and have never heard of 14 year olds having garden parties, though I don't doubt some children are drinking at that age.

I also think it is possible the parents simply didn't know where they were.
The might be lax.

My youngest is 19 and we are still collecting every night she goes out.
Unfortunately I cannot trust taxi's.
I took taxi's at that ahe but don't want to risk it.

Some of my daughters friends get taxi's with boyfriends or share one together, getting out at one house.

Girls are demons for vodka and even the most diligent of parents can get a fright to find they are doing sly drinking, when they collect them from somewhere.

My boys and their friends were far more law abiding, just being shy of 18 before having alcohol.
But not my daughters.
It reenforce even more to me that they need collecting every night.
Which is not fun at 2am!

Yep, he's allowed to do what he wants at home.

i have messaged Uber girl via my DS and told her if she is EVER in that situation again and can’t get home, my DS and I will collect her.

A bit OTT, if she EVER can't get home you and DS will drop everything and go anywhere to pick her up? Really? Perhaps you're focus should be working out why DS is always in trouble at school, and working on that.

I agree that I would always be aware of where dd's are and how they intend to get from place to place at that age. Mine travel through cities on trains and buses so are quite savvy when it comes to cost of transport and planning/reading timetables though - it sounds like in rural areas maybe this isn't as taught by schools or parents as a necessity where it should be? Relying on technology and phone signals isn't very wise in rural areas, especially as you say if Uber doesn't usually work there. I think young girls are often quite reluctant to go out these days and it shows in things like this and when they walk out blindly into roads rather than using crossings a few meters away.

Normal to you obviously.

But that doesn't mean it's normal to all of us.

i have messaged Uber girl via my DS and told her if she is EVER in that situation again and can’t get home, my DS and I will collect her

Wait, what

Yes, just about to start yr 10.
this conversation came up about 2 months ago- I wasn’t expecting it but it seems half the high school has had one of these get together s (this being a very very small one!).
he took zero beer a few times, cider a few times. Never over stepped our agreement- if he takes it too far, it would stop.
he’s never broken our trust on this.

I’ve always collected and another mum takes them. many parents I know are ok with this, with strict rules and always collect/ trusted friends mum brings them home.

i have life 360 so I can track him.

i was just shocked at the lack of care in the case of these girls. They had hardly any clothes on (I know this is normal). It just shocked me. Dad in another city sorting out an Uber!?

This doesn’t apply to drinking at home, under 18s are legally allowed to drink at home in the UK.

As a ‘social worker’ you should know kids are drinking more than 2 cans of cider in parks all over the world. These young people were drinking a limited amount in a controlled home environment. This isn’t illegal.

As a social worker, I think your concerns should be about the parents who couldn’t be bothered to collect their teenagers more than the gathering with 2 cans of cider, monitored by an adult.

Ok im from the rural midlands and I was drinking at 15 but times are very different now. My town is very strict about IDs so that culture of underage drinking doesn’t really exist ( according to my neighbour who has just turned 18). My own DD is 14 and like hell would she be going drinking at someone’s house. There is no such parties among any of her friends ( and I have a pretty big group of friends who all have boys and girls her age). So firstly you were being unreasonable to throw the bloody thing in the first place. I can’t say what arrangements I think are suitable for collection because she wouldn’t have been at your house in the first place but any pick ups would be done by me or her Dad. She wouldn’t get into an Uber I don’t think in any case. You know if you live rurally that it would be an issue so perhaps you should have checked before hand.

( I noticed the snarky comment about what the girls were wearing. I’m not sure you’re in a position to take the moral high ground here )

I cannot imagine buying my Dd alcohol when she is 14, it just wouldn’t feel right
I was probably out getting drunk from around 14/15 and yes it potentially much more worrying situations, but I don’t know what the answer is, I’d just feel weird supplying the booze and giving the go ahead for it

Incidentally, ive told my DDs never to get in a car with an adult she doesnt trust. Especially one insisting they get in the car.

But we also have the "ive messed up rule"...
Basically if they do something they arent allowed, end uo someehere unsafe etc, tgeu just have to ring and we will come. They will be in trouble the next day, but not immediately. Safe first.

I agree to an extent but I think OP is overlooking the fact that alcohol impairs judgment, and otherwise sensible teenagers with alcohol inside them (not even drunk but intoxicated), can make stupid wreckless decisions. Perhaps that's why they were sitting on the pavement with no clue of what they were doing and had to be forced to accept a lift which most sober teens would have jumped at. Its probably a good thing that the Uber didn't arrive - teenage girl, under the influence getting into a stranger's car?

You invited 12 14year old kids over to drink in your garden but you're suddenly worried about how your child's friends apparently have crappy parents? Get off your high horse and check your own ideals before slagging off these other parents who you don't even know. Clearly you didn't check with these girls parents that they'd be ok with a grown adult allowing their daughters to come drinking on your property considering you've posted that you don't know them. I can imagine some of those kids you don't know didn't tell their parents there was alcohol involved

I assume you are looking back at my old post.

for clarity, I ended up in a meeting with the head teacher whilst exploring moving him to another school and having his assessed. His maths teacher was removed from his class and his French teacher left the school. Since then, we have had hardly any issues at school and the latter half of year 9 he has been a different child 👍.

Yes I agree she put these girls in the position by inviting them to be drunk at her house in a rural area. I do think a lot of parents of boys don't consider these things because they feel they are safe to get Ubers and be out alone etc.

To whoever asked if I’m assuming DD isn’t drinking in a field as well as at parties, to be honest there are not enough days in the week! They do often hang out after school in parks and the like, but her whole friend group plays sport, has tutoring, have family and volunteering responsibilities, so they’re not downing drinks at every opportunity. They’re good kids, who enjoy a party every month or so and learn from any mistakes. I think that’s normal at 15/16 and I hear similar stories from across the country where my friends have kids of similar ages.

I also think, ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether the girl’s parents knew they were drinking or not, or indeed if they were drinking or not. They clearly had no clear plan to get them home and that’s the concern.