Was I overreacting about teenagers without transport home after drinking!?!

[Mumsytutu]

Morning,

I wanted to gather some perspective and others thoughts on something that isn’t sitting right with me. It’s actually really upset me but unsure if my moral compass is just a bit ‘stiff’ compared to other parents.

Last night my 14 (nearly 15) year old DS had 12 friends over in the garden for a few drinks (strict rules on no excessive drinking!!) I was struggling with the drinking part in the first place truth be told, then had a good think about what I was doing at 14! Drinking in the garden is definitely a much preferable option. (This isn’t the first garden party. he’s attended others, and has always proved himself responsible).

It was both boys and girls. We know the majority of the boys parents and they’re good kids, most came along with one or 2 ciders. Fine.

Evening was good (very noisy!) but we only have 1 neighbour so I had pre warned them and it was to be finished at 10pm, they were fine about it. The kids were fine. No dramas.

My DS confiscated some vodka from the girls to adhere to the no excessive drinking rules so I was comfortable that he was being responsible. For clarity, he had 2 ciders and the boys were mainly kicking a football around and having a giggle. Girls sat gossiping, all the usual sort of behaviour.

Boys and a couple of girls were collected by parents promptly and all was well.

That left 4 girls. About 10:30pm I went out to see what was going on as the girls had congregated on my drive, turns out they were waiting for * ‘s dad to send an Uber. We live in a village so whilst Ubers are possible, they are not super easy to get. I immediately offered them a lift home.
they refused and assured me an uber was on its way. I wouldn’t get my child an Uber personally, but each to their own.

I told them to come back inside and wait here. They used the loo before all disappearing (thanking me on the way out). I assumed their Uber had arrived.

My DS then gets a call to go to them. He disappears. I give him a few minutes and follow him to see what’s going on.

The girls are sat on the side of the road with one on the phone to her Dad asking for an Uber. (Clearly Uber has not been sorted!!). Another girl is on the phone to her mum and is clearly getting quite upset. I offer again to take them home. The ‘uber girl’ refuses on behalf of them all.

At this point, and as her dad is on loud speaker (Dad is away in a different city), I put my foot down and said I wasn’t happy they were sat on the side of the road with no transport home. I insist they let me drive them home. (Dad pipes up and tells her to “just get the lift home, she was supposed to be home for 10pm”) All the girls follow me back to my house and I take them home.

It then transpires that they were not all staying at ‘uber girls’ house (as I had assumed) and 2 of them were planning to then get a bus to another location. It’s now 11:15pm- I don’t think so!! Thankfully the buses have stopped running … so they’ll walk. We’re near the city, just no!! I insist they let me drive them and they agree. It was about a 7 minute drive!

Whats not sitting right with me (in case it isn’t obvious) is that at least 2 of the girls parents involved here have no idea their girls were just wondering around hoping to get an Uber home, if they knew they were even out! I would be furious if this was my child.
Why had no one arranged a lift with a parent and why did Uber Girls parents think this was all ok? I have no idea if Uber girls Mum was even home (apparently, she doesn’t care, this is she Dad her on the phone when he asked if she’d called her Mum). I know this is really non of my business, but it kind of is as I had to sort it out as I could not in good conscience just ‘leave them to it’.

I have a DD who is 10. This has really shocked me and certainly made me think. I would never let any of my children make their own way home after a party/ drinking etc. I’m really struggling to imagine any parent would if the knew the whole story!?

Am I being over sensitive here? Should I be doing something to talk to the parents (I would want to know, although hopefully wouldn’t ever put my child in this position)- I would rather not contact the parent, but should I be?…
Or is this usual behaviour and i’m just out of touch/ overprotective? I’m completely flabbergasted to be honest.

Would appreciate other parents thoughts, the friends I have spoken to (boy mums!) are also completely shocked.

Thanks for reading.

Or maybe some want to drink, some feel pressured to have a drink in their hand and some are really not bothered but happy to join in in moderation, some don't drink at all. The same as anyone. I have friends who don’t drink and others that do on occasion and some who can go a little wild given the chance.

i don’t know. Just stating facts. There were empty cans and Confiscated vodka (see earlier in the thread).

This isn’t a case or argument. Nor was this anything to do with my original question (to which I have the answer to now).

im not trying to change anyone else mind or opinion on this, just trying to ensure I relay the facts and highlight why we have given our ok to this (with lots of strings attached!!).

This. I can’t believe you think it’s acceptable to encourage and facilitate 14 year olds drinking.

You’re getting a hard time here OP. As an experienced secondary teacher I have heard of many teens whose parents swear they never drink and are well behaved getting themselves into all sorts of scrapes. No parent is perfect (except a mumsnet one!!) and sometimes a judgement call like the one you’re making re alcohol is the most pragmatic. Many teens are going to try drinking in the long summer holidays and it’s probably better for them to be supervised and regulated - I’ve seen and heard horror stores where they haven’t been! It takes a village and all that so I think you did the right thing ensuring the girls got home safely.

I understand your points. 7 of the 12 are long term friends of whom we know the parents well. All similar families with similar values, they are good kids from nice families in local villages and their parents have similar views to me (and who I discussed this very issue with when it was first mentioned).

the other 5, these 4 girls included- clearly our values don’t align. Are they bad kids?. Who knows. I wouldn’t be thrilled about him just hanging around with the 4 of them alone based on their parents ‘zero fucks given’, but he wouldn’t hang around with 4 girls alone really anyway.

The boys are good friends. We know the boys well. I’m happy they are a good influence.

Thanks so much for this.

Also massive hats off to you for even being a secondary school teacher. I cannot even begin to imagine.

mumsnet is WILD! 🤪

sometimes a judgement call like the one you’re making re alcohol is the most pragmatic.

It's not a judgement call.

The OP has stated the kids would bring alcohol to her garden whether she said yes or no.

ETA: And apparently the OP thinks these disrespectful kids are a 'good influence'.

14 is young to be drinking, I assume their parents didn’t know and the kids lied about the transportation.

I think you're on very dodgy ground, legally, allowing teenagers to drink on your property, whether you've provided the alcohol or not.

Sadly it's not against the law to facilitate children drinking on your property.

No one was disrespectful to our home, garden, me or my son. (Quite the opposite, very polite!)

one girl bought a bottle of Vodka which my son removed to adhere to our agreement. Nice try though.

She shouldn’t have had it with her, agreed, that was disrespectful if you like. But she didn’t argue, she didn’t ask for it back and that was the end of it. I still have it! Sealed.

you have commented a LOT on here. I hear you, you don’t like this and most likely you think we’re the pits of society. That’s absolutely ok with me. But please stop picking this apart like it’s some sort of contest. It really can just be a nice discussion even if we don’t agree.

Isn't that your own children? Other people's children maybe not? I'm no expert but what I would allow with my own child, isn't what I would allow other peoples children to do on my premises.

I didn’t supply any alcohol and strict rules in place to ensure no anti social behaviour or noise issues- as is only polite and I would have done even if alcohol wasn’t involved.

You said that these children would bring alcohol to your home anyway, even if you said no.

And to you that's not disrespectful???

Really? If you think that's respectful behaviour you have very low standards.

Very low indeed.

As a serious suggestion, if you know the parents of these 7 boys well and they are good influences as you suggest, then why don’t you all get together and discuss how you can all encourage the boys to minimise the drinking and do other things. Regular drinking during early adolescence (they aren’t even in their mid adolescence) should really be discouraged, as it truly isn’t good for their brain and there are short and long-term risks. If you genuinely don’t like your young teen drinking regularly, see if you can get the other parents on board with some changes and stricter boundaries around alcohol consumption.

I’m not a perfect parent by any means, but the risks of encouraging early alcohol consumption aren’t worth it in the long term, especially as you are an invested parent. It might be cohort dependent, so possibly not relevant to your son and his friends, but I’ve observed in my son’s cohort that it has become quite ‘cool’ to care about your fitness and health, and improving performance and physical achievements. That might not stop them trying alcohol but certainly can help reduce the regularity. It’s far harder to get up early and compete in hours of sport when you have been drinking the night before!

Lovely suggestion- Absolutly worth a discussion, thank you.

the boys are keen golfers and lots of football. I know one wasn’t drinking as he was pre training (he’s part of a big football teams academy so that’s super important and serious to him, he still enjoyed the evening!)

They haven’t discovered the gym side of things as yet but there has been talk of it.

we wouldn’t let him drink regularly regardless, with the summer there had been an increase in invites but he can’t (nor would we let him) go everytime. We are trying to moderate it x

Drinking once or twice a month is regularly though for a young adolescent who has barely been a teenager for 5 minutes. They have all tried alcohol now and can think of themselves as cool and grown up. They are starting to get into a bit of a routine around drinking regularly which is the issue I’d be trying to discourage. If it was a once off it wouldn’t be as worrying but there have been multiple parties in a reasonably short space of time. If one boy can prioritise his health and training, maybe the others can join in solidarity next party!

DS age 19 won't touch alcohol but DD just turned 18 does. She didnt drink at 14 but her cohort started around the time that GCSEs finished so she was 15 about to be 16. She has had a halloween party at our house the past couple of years, my rule was I will only supply her with alcohol for her own personal use but others can bring their own (lots of the parents are of the view that they would rather they were safe at someones house 'experimenting' with drinking and finding thier level and not face down in a field somewhere.
DD and her friends know I will always pick them up and make sure they get home safe from parties. I like to think I am teaching them to always make sure everyone gets home ok - eg I won't drive off until the girl has opened the door and is inside the house.
I would not be happy with 14 year old girls wandering around late at night, sober or drunk.

If anything happened to a child that you had allowed alcohol to without the parents consent would put you in a very difficult situation. I know you did the right thing getting the girls home but it could gave gone very horrible wrong.

Seriously op be careful. We were super anxious knowing 17 year olds were drinking at our house at DDs 18th party let alone 14 year olds. Yes these parents may seem “nice” and like minded until it’s their child harmed at your house while drunk you will see the gloves come off.

I'm still flabbergasted at the 13 year old being given a non-alcoholic beer...

I drank all sorts in the woods, parks, car parks at this age

my nieces are similar age and they’re sneaking off doing the same

so i thini allowing them a couple of ciders is ok

i would always want to pick my daughter up from anywhwre

Seems the OP is now here to justify her actions and not take any views that disagree with her into account here. Why she thinks her child should be responsible for policing what amounts of alcohol his friends came with is beyond me, she should've been the one to confiscate all that vodka and send those girls home-she doesn't even know who they are and didn't get any permission from her parents for them to be there consuming alcohol under her roof. Year 9 kids all hanging around with a parent allowing them all to drink and apparently it's not the first time her kids been off drinking at these get togethers, she's already admitted he's been allowed before now to meet the majority of his year group on fields to go off drinking. Of course she isn't gonna be too fussed about 12 of these kids dossing in her garden drinking either. She came on here looking for validation to sit on her high horse judging 4 girls parents when she doesn't even know them despite allowing those kids to come to hers drinking and clearly doesn't like that most commenters aren't nodding and agreeing with her